Hey I'm 26 from Cheshire in the UK.

I've recently come to the incredibly confusing discovery that I have some sort of gender issue. I've always identified as male but feel as if I've repressed my female side a lot, and it seems to be leaking out. Causing me a tonne of confusing thoughts and feelings.

I'm a big guy so feel if I ever were to attempt to pass I would look ridiculous, and some of the photos I've taken of myself in female clothing seems to verify this to my own mind. The person in my head is female, slim and petite which is completely the opposite of me.

I guess I am looking for myself and for some answers. I hope I can find some here maybe.

This whole situation is incredibly new to me. I literally identified as male 4 days ago and after trying on some underwear just out of curiosity I found it felt so much more right. It also felt like I unlocked a door and a chink appeared through which stuff I'd been repressing started to flow. I don't know if that makes complete sense or if its just odd.

I remember way back when I was a child wanting to be a girl, I'd even break the social norms and play with girls toys and things and I remember it being a thrill because it was not allowed really. I think that got hammered into me though and that side of me was pushed down as I got older.

When I was 15 I came out as "gay" as a joke to my best friend but before long I realised I wasn't actually joking and I did find guys sexually attractive. To me guys are much more sexualised than girls are, I love the male genitalia (Including my own which has caused me all sorts of extra confusion) but I don't think I could fall in love with a guy, but I guess I've never met Mr Right and being a guy who never put much effort or time into being "gay" and combined with the fact I've had lots of romantic and sexual relationships with girls. So I figured I was bisexual right?

After having these confusing thoughts and talking to a m2f girl I met I figured there was more going on under the surface than I imagined. I didn't want to wear girls clothing as a sexual thing (I have a lot of kinks but that just didn't seem to be the basis of this one)....actually the thought of being out as a woman gives me more of an excited thrill than a sexual one.

So I am working out who I am, what I am...and after doing some reading I've found there are some trans-people who don't have body dysmorphia, which settled my mind a lot too. I figured if I liked my cock then it must mean I don't want to be female that badly?

I'm right at the beginning of this journey, to wherever it may be leading. Thanks for your patience and if anyone ever wants to talk to me feel free, I'd love to chat.

In reading your post, I am reminded that not everyone knows that gender is not merely binary, but a spectrum.  There are masculine women who are comfortable with being women.  There are feminine men who are comfortable with that, too... and there are the people that truly feel they are in the wrong gender, and know it so strongly that they will do anything, including altering their bodies with hormones and surgery, to align properly with who they know they are.  There are even people who have no gender, and do not desire a gender... or who express male and female either simultaneously or at different times.

I am transgendered, meaning I really do not match the genitals assigned to me at birth (and I sure as hell don't match the hormones in my veins), but I used to believe I could be OK with the body I had, if only I tried hard enough, and even strongly advocated that position.  I know now that I was deceiving myself into taking an "easier" path, denying who I truly was and denying myself the possibility of who I might become.

So... if you don't want advice, please skip to the end of this post...

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I recommend you research... spend time on these forums, ask questions, continue to explore... you may be in the early stages of a truly transformative experience, or you may be merely learning more about the world and yourself.  No harm in either of those! 

Then, if you feel like you are questioning your gender identity, please find a therapist who specializes in gender-based therapy.  They will work with you to help you understand *you* better... and help you be the person you want to be, no matter what gender that is.

And please do not let your body get in the way should you determine that you need to transition.  One of my favorite female friends is 5'10" and about 350 lbs... she is transgendered, and does not look very feminine at all in the stereotypical fashion (having to shave her face three times a day does not help, and she can't afford laser or electrolysis) but she presents female and, amazingly, *passes* on a daily basis, and is very happy in herself.

</Unsolicited-Advice-Tag>

No matter what you chose, you are at least open and questioning... you will learn amazing things about yourself and the world around you.  Much luck on your journey! 

Hi confused, a warm southern California welcome to you.   

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Thanks for your welcomes and your kind words.

I am thinking maybe my genitals are something that may come with time, once I feel I can comfortably Be the girl I feel like. But right now its not something I am concentrating on. I have been considering hormones though. I'm not sure what my first step is. I know I need some tutorials on makeup and get my hair done properly, I think that will make me feel tonnes better, as well as getting my very first girl outfit.

As it is I feel this is moving incredibly fast and though scary its exhilarating too, less than a week ago I hadn't ever seriously considered myself as anything but male, and now when wearing male clothes makes me feel stupid and wrong. And seeing how beautiful some of my girl friends are and wondering what I would look like wearing that dress/top/jeans. Its moved stupidly fast but I feel finally as if I'm doing right by myself. Its odd.

Hi Confused87,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7695. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.


Janet  )O(

Hi Confused87, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. You'll meet lots of new friends here, see you around the site, hugs, Devlyn