But time for a surprise, she'll stay married to me if my new name and gender isn't changing our marriage license or other things that show we are husband and wife.      

At least this is the way she's leaning now.  We talked about it for almost an hour, and she rightfully said I don't tell her everything that's going on in my life.  I do hold things back because I feel some of it only makes her mad, but she said what actually makes her mad is finding out after I started doing something. 

Maybe I'm afraid of having her stand in my way.  And when I kind of said something about this she said that won't happen because she now supports what I'm doing and understands I'm not stopping, and that I'll have surgery in a little more than a year.

So I'm confused.  And told her I'd ask a few questions about how my name change will effect things in our marriage.  But those will be in another post when I figure out what to ask.

K

Big hug! I remember your post a long time ago saying you had hashed it out with her and going forward all your cards were on the table, no more secrets. I'm not faulting you, but it sounds like you've granted yourself "wiggle room" again. What changed, if it's my business?  And if I'm misremembering, please forgive me. Hugs, Devlyn

Tough situation, Kathy.

As someone who has been there, I'll give my thoughts. Please ignore them if they're not right for you.

Sound like she's telling you she wants the unvarnished truth. As her spouse and someone who loves her, perhaps it's best you honor her wishes. Yes, it risks your marriage, but what is a marriage without trust and honesty?

However, you also have a right to insist that she allow you to be yourself, wherever that may lead. Again, it would risk the marriage, but what is a marriage where one is afraid to let the other grow and change?

You also have a right (others will disagree, perhaps) to insist that she face the reality that you are already a woman (if your profile gender box is any indication), in which case her only choices will be to remain married to one or not to remain married to one.

Good luck. I hope this helps. I've been there and I know what a rough ride it becomes.

Devlyn:
No.  You're right.  We had put everything on the table, and I think ..I KNOW.. it's my fault because with the distance between us allows me to stay silent about some things. 

JoAnn and I have so many common interests, and we enjoy spending time together.  Why I can't just say what's going on is a mystery.  Have a telephone appointment with my therapist on Thursday and guess I have some personal issues to talk about this time.

Suzi: 
I do tell her things everything eventually.  And when I was in California she knew as soon as I saw her, but while I've been here in Michigan it's always after a new step in transition begins. 

I've been anxious about her visit here in October because we can finally be together again and talk more.  And she can see what I do every day to get ready.  But she's also one of the most inappropriately honest women I've ever met, and she'll tell me what she thinks of my choices in clothes, hair style, and makeup.  She will do this without thinking about how it might hurt or encourage me, but it's her way and it always gets the point across quickly.

I don't know what's going to happen.  But I'd love to stay with JoAnn, and live out our lives together. 

That last sentence is key. It's going to take a lot of work from both of you.