Hi all,

I have sometging that has been running thru my mind for a while.

I dont have to explain what being tg feels like, but what if the inside is also a child? Im 39 and work hard to be a responsible adult but my mind longs for the days of my youth despite how horrific it was. I feel i was robbed of my youth. Either by the fact i was not born the right sex, or because my father was an abusive ******. So does anyone else feel likelike that? What can you share about it?

Is there more to me than just being tg?

I am biologically a 25 year old woman, but I am a 19 year old boy mentally.

It was like that definitely for me. When I transitioned my body was 23 years, my "male persona" thingy was trying to behave accordingly, but upon transitioning and seeking out my inner true self, I found that of course I am younger there as I really had stopped developing at normal speed at least during puberty when I shielded up the most. I visualized this a bit like the true me was beginning to place shields around me in elementary school whenever something happened like not being able to join the girls in their games during breaks. Plus boys and girls teasing me. So I set up emotional shields painted with some weird boy-like appearance. In high school that got much worse and so the shields were larger. At some point I could not really see over them anymore and thus just had a vague idea about what is going on out there and so in a way stopped aging mentally. When all of that broke down and I tore down the remaining shields, I was vulnerable and feeling like I am a girl, not a woman of my age. I got a bit of flak from TG people actually for calling myself a girl ("You are not a girl, you are a woman, you should not focus so much on the girly stuff...etc"). But thats who I was at the time and being just 23 I could get away with more than lets say at 30 or 40, in terms of how I behaved or dressed for parties. It was in many ways more like I was a teenager - a wild guess would be that I felt to be around 15 or 16, not 23. I read teenage girls magazines and such. I think this was a valuable time and I rather quickly grew up from being a girl to be a woman. I still feel like I am not my age though - its just like I simply lost a couple of years like they do in these movies when people are in a coma for 5 years or so.

Now if you actually feel like a very little girl, lets say 6 or 8 or 10, thats a bit of a bugger as of course you cannot re-develop from that age on openly. You would have to internally allow yourself to grow up in a bit faster way at least until teenage years

I noticed that many many TS people have such a pattern. No matter how old they are in body - during transition they all seem to go through puberty first, physically with HRT but also in the mind and soul as they develop their true self that was hidden away. And I think thats the reason why at least some of the TS women in early transition dress not appropriate for the age, use too much makeup and are generally a bit "girly" in the expression. But then - puberty does not last forever and after some months to a few years its over and one has grown up to be a bit more mature in the gender of the true self.

Well im glad im not the only one then. I get what your sating about our inner child growing up. Because at 39, i vew myself more as 25 and getting old as i grow older. Thanks for.putting mind at ease. If anyone else would like to share their story, i would love to hear it.

Quote from: anjaq on September 24, 2013, 11:53:04 PM


I noticed that many many TS people have such a pattern. No matter how old they are in body - during transition they all seem to go through puberty first, physically with HRT but also in the mind and soul as they develop their true self that was hidden away. And I think thats the reason why at least some of the TS women in early transition dress not appropriate for the age, use too much makeup and are generally a bit "girly" in the expression. But then - puberty does not last forever and after some months to a few years its over and one has grown up to be a bit more mature in the gender of the true self.

I readily agree that this is, in a sense, going thru puberty and this time I'm enjoying it.  Parts of me look like a teenager and that's a tonic for this old thang.  I adore feeling girly and allow myself much more latitude at home.  In public i am happy but a no nonsense girl when it's called for.  I may not be young but I can be immature forever

Wow I think you summed it up well. Every person I have talked to try and fails to explain it in a way like that. I see that this is what I am doing mentally. I am prehrt, but in the coming out process I feel much younger than I am physically. I am not sure what will happen once I go through my second puberty.

You are lucky to have that realization so soon Gadgett! Hold that thought and work it into your life.

When I was 24 and had SRS, I knew I had missed a large part of 'growing up girl' and immersed myself in a world of women so that I could develop as a person and I did. Within a couple of years I had 'matured' (psychologically and socially) in an age-appropriate way.

I trundled along happily through life, none the wiser, until my 60s when I went to see a psychologist for help with certain issues. During the counselling, the psychologist picked up on my very abusive childhood and in the course of dealing with that issue I came to realize that a core part of me had been walled up since about age 8 as a protection against the abuse. The counsellor was GREAT at helping to "de-program" the negative effects of the abuse but I was left with this aspect of an "inner child" and how to integrate that into my adult life and, truthfully, that is  something I am still working on but I am ever so grateful for having found that, beneath all the shields and layers of protection, there is still a part of me that is so pure, gentle, and innocent. In a way it is a blessing - I don't think many people have retained a 'child aspect' into adulthood - but it is also challenging to let the 'little girl' aspect show through without putting up all the shields again.

I can definately relate to the shielding.

Basically fron what I'm gathering here, is that the child aspect is based from the abuse, where the tg aspect makes her a little girl instead of a boy. Definately something to think about.

Quote from: Tessa James on September 25, 2013, 01:25:32 AM
I may not be young but I can be immature forever

I just love that quote......It really makes me smile!!! I'll remember that one.
Thank you,
Ciara

Quote from: Northern Jane on September 25, 2013, 06:24:39 AM
During the counselling, the psychologist picked up on my very abusive childhood and in the course of dealing with that issue I came to realize that a core part of me had been walled up since about age 8 as a protection against the abuse. [...]but I am ever so grateful for having found that, beneath all the shields and layers of protection, there is still a part of me that is so pure, gentle, and innocent. In a way it is a blessing - I don't think many people have retained a 'child aspect' into adulthood - but it is also challenging to let the 'little girl' aspect show through without putting up all the shields again.

A big yes to that. I dont remember any childhood abuse, but the whole thing applies to being TS as well. And while I did develop a lot from that, I still get cut off at times due to shielding. I notice that if I get a bit stoic or emotionless - maybe because of fears or pressures or work related stress - then I loose the connection to my more gentle and vulnerable inner self. I think to protect that part of me, which is no longer a little child, but also not a tough woman (and I would not want to be that way) some shielding is needed in this society, I try to make it now so that I can take it away if I want though

Im transitioning late into 30s, and I noticed as my contructed persona is flaking off chunk by chunk, that the person inside starting to show is quite immature.   I would definitely describe me a girl, not a woman- though physically adult.

That said, I am confident the responsibility aspects of my brain are developed and adult.  The friction between being both adult and immature is coming though as mourning.  I cry a lot when I think about the empowered, lovely young thing I could have been had I known trans existed and hrt was possible.
Now I have a short window to learn the ropes of my new role, seperate shield persona from self and explore who exactly I am- all within an environment of relationships and expectations that go along with those which where forged by my old self.
In my quiet moments I look around the house and feel like I just was handed the keys to this guys life- memories and body - but its not me.  Not my memories experienced by authentic me.

Having that layer of unauthentic filtering has made my memories unauthentic in a way.  Therefore my teenage years, twenties, thirties... it all has to be sifted through, new values assigned to those experiences and invalid ones lived anew by my new, authentic self.

So I feel... twentyish... I would say and a bit like a rural girl thrown into the city- having to quickly and embarassingly learn what city life expects of her.

Though completely committed to my wife, she is, in a way, my only sexual experience... the many before her where not really my experiences.  It wasnt me and that wasnt my body.  I feel horrible thinking about wanting to explore my sexuality as the new me, but as this forum is about truth and reality I feel its important to confess those thoughts are there and they are strong.  New me is young and inexperienced at being me.

My childhood was abusive but not physically or sexually, I was constantly shown I was not valued by my parents.  My school years where painful,  awkward and filled with rejection, lonliness, bullying and feeling ill at ease in my (perfectly normal) body.  I daydream about living it over as a girl... perhaps exploring this is a way to reevaluate those memories.

Quote from: Emmaline on September 26, 2013, 07:42:12 AM
So I feel... twentyish... I would say and a bit like a rural girl thrown into the city- having to quickly and embarassingly learn what city life expects of her.

I just had a moment of this. Went with a group of people to some pubs and clubs and this guy was hitting at me all the time really seriously and I was kind of at a loss about how to get rid of him. I managed to avoid him then and he started hitting on someone else in the group, but that was sooo annoying. When we left, we two kept talking about this annoying guy the whole way back to the hotel. I didnt tven realized up to that that he was jus tmoving on to her. Well, drunk guys are weird - and even now I still have to learn a bit more how to deal with such things

Quote
My childhood was abusive but not physically or sexually, I was constantly shown I was not valued by my parents.  My school years where painful,  awkward and filled with rejection, lonliness, bullying and feeling ill at ease in my (perfectly normal) body.  I daydream about living it over as a girl... perhaps exploring this is a way to reevaluate those memories.

Yes of course - in tat sens yes it was sort of "abusive" but not as tough as if this would have been topped by actual physical assaults or such. My parents actually loved me, but the guys and girls at school not so much. Luckily not too much bullying in general going on at these schools, but yeah I was in that group of "outsiders" who got picked at a lot. I try somtimes to look at my memories and see what I can make of them in the present context. Much makes more sense that way (seeing myself as me as I am now but at a younger age with the wrong sort of body).