In search of new resources to read I came across to this forum too. I've been posting a little in tgboards but this seems relatively more active place so here we go again. Introductions.

So.. I like to say that my name is Sara, I'm currently unemployed, somewhat social outcast, born in -90's. I enjoy writing, photography, video games, movies, pretty clothes, cosplay and what else. I happen to have a male body and my real name is not Sara (at least not yet) so yeah. There we go.

I don't know if I can call myself trans* yet as there is still too much confusion to be solved. I'm not comfortable with my body, that's for sure, but this all has started bothering me quite recently, a couple of years ago. In before that I do recall having periods of time when I had this kind of thoughts, but I can't remember I'd have seriously wanted to be a girl in my childhood for example. Bah.. I'll have to start from the beginning (or from the earliest things I remember).

Age 10-12 or so would be a good place to do that. I don't remember exactly anymore, but somewhere around that age I started having feelings that I think now were the first "signs". I can't recall I'd have wanted to *be* a girl back then (or then I've just forgotten), but I do remember that girly things started to interest me and I remember feeling ashamed by that. I started stealing stuff from my sister (shame on me, I know). I went through the laundry to find clothes which I wore when I was alone and stored to my hidden stash just because I somehow liked them? Later when my sister started using makeup, I went for those too and everything she didn't use or what she was throwing away found their place from my room even when I didn't have slightest clue how to use them. I'd have wanted to but the shame and fear of being found out were too strong. This continued up to age 15-16 or so when I was able to purchase my own and didn't have to take risks of stealing stuff anymore.

At school I was the quiet weirdo in the corner. I didn't care how I dressed so I kept using clothes that my mum bought me quite a long time. I simply didn't care. I didn't bother going shopping as I figured any t-shirt I could wear would be the same, any jeans I could wear would be the same. I also remember being afraid that I'd end up buying "girly" clothes by accident as I didn't really know how they differed (other than obvious ones ) and thought that I'd be laughed at even more if I accidentally ended up wearing shirt with "too open cut" or jeans that displayed some girl fashion brand logo. So I kept being the weirdo who sat in the corner of the classroom and preferred to be left alone most of the times. I had two friends in primary school I can remember.

At age 14-17, however, I started to somewhat crawl out from the shell, started talking with my classmates more during the lessons, changed my clothing style completely to as far from the others as I could (somewhat gothic style to express the differences between all the rappers and fruitcakes my school was full of). This only made it worse. Being different from others and especially stating out in that age that I wasn't interested for example having sex at all nor I was watching girls the others were nor I talked about their boobs and asses was like a social suicide to me. Looking back it wasn't that bad though, I didn't want to hear their exaggerated sex fantasy stories anyways and wasn't following any sports, didn't want to go to the army, uhm what else.. Well anyways, from here on I got labeled as gay in my school. Luckily it ended quite fast and I never saw most of my classmates again.

I started drinking and begun to be somewhat depressed. The feelings of being outcast grew stronger. I started thinking things like why wasn't I that interested about having sex like "normal guys"? Why wasn't I that interested about even having a relationship to begin with.. (I had my first girlfriend in age 16 though but I was never "looking" for it, it just happened.) And most importantly, why did I have this desire to dress like a girl?! I still did crossdressing in private, but the feeling came and went away in cycles and I never thought there was more in it. It was just a role in my head I had to pull up from time to time, right? Well, no.

After turning 18, I had stockpiled tons of girls clothes in my hidden stash which I had purged at least three times in the past. I now owned a car and the desires of dressing up grew more "intense". I wanted to go out as a girl, driving was an easy way to do that, and soon after I started to fantasize about being one. Still, it came and went away in cycles and I endured it. I was dysphoric for a while, then I forgot all of it for a while, 'till the feelings came back. I tried to push those feelings away from time to time, promising myself that I don't need it, waste of money, I'm happy like this, I don't want to dress up anymore and I want to have a girlfriend and just be normal. Needless to say, didn't work. The feelings came back haunting me even faster.

Fast forwarding to current situation, I sit here writing these words all dressed up, hair done, nails polished and so on (no makeup though, I wasn't going anywhere today.) and yet I don't know. I'd love to be a girl. I feel I should have been born as one, but I'm unsure if I want to *make* myself one. The confusion is tiring, I'm out to a few friends IRL as a crossdresser but I still can't really grasp if there's more in it. On the other hand, I don't even know what woman's life would be, yet I feel it should be my life... I've no clue what it'd mean to be treated as a woman or what would I "gain" if I'll transition, but half of the time I keep thinking that I should.

I've started learning to change my voice, I dress up regularly whenever I just have a chance. I've grown my hair and nails long and started to take care of my skin, shaved all the body hair away and yet I can't fully grasp what I want. Transition scares me, coming out scares me. Being not sure about anything scares me the most. I mean, I can forget all these feelings for days still if I've something else to do, but the moment I'm left alone they come back at me. Or if I'm too long without such moment like if traveling for weeks, which causes that my first thought after returning home is to inform everyone that I want to be alone for a day of two just so I can be Sara for awhile again.

Guess I've taken a first step for getting better already though, as I've recognized that it's not only a role I have to let out from time to time, but rather a permanent part of me which just has emerged slowly. And I know, therapy. I got there after a long struggle but had to drop out for now until I get other aspects from my life fixed. Going back asap though.

<3 Sara

Hi Sara,

Welcome to our little family. Over 7720 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Janet  )O(

Greetings from the cold northwest!
And welcome! You're not an outcast here, do not worry!
Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you find the resources you need on this site

Hi, Sara.  I am sorry to hear you are in the "cold north," so greetings from warm and sunny southern California.  Come join the other "snowbirds" who visit here in the winter. 

You know, Sara, you seem to have recognized your "girl inside" a long time ago.  Many of us feel set apart from our peers growing up.  It is, I think, all part of the dysphoria.

I am glad you are taking steps to better understand your gender identity.  Keep up the good work.

Hi Sara and welcome 

I agree with Jamie's thoughts 100%.

After reading your introduction, I can relate with a lot of what you said. I've been down that road plenty of times.

Heeey and thank you all

As Jamie D pointed out I forgot to mention that "Cold North" in this case actually means it. Finland is where I'm from.

Trying to escape for the winter though, it'd be awesome if I could spend the summers here and winters somewhere warm but not yet with this budged

Yup! Finland is cold. I used to live in Toronto, Canada, so I know what it feels like! Now I'm living in sunny Florida!

Hi Sara, welcome to Susan's Place from the relatively cool, somewhat northern, Boston area! See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

Had a discussion with one of my best friends today whom I've known since I can remember and (what are the odds, really? ) who also came out as TG a couple of years ago which made me think more about my past and thought process.

Apart from school where I didn't fit in at all, I also visited our military service (we have it mandatory here. 6/9/12 months of army service OR 12 months of "civil service" which is basically doing regular work in any state owned company 8h/day without getting paid a dime from it OR 12 months in jail from refusing to go either).

When I was underage I didn't want to go to the military, even though the pressure from our society was/is high. A couple of years ago (when I was about to turn 18) we were practically forced to the army, "remember it was our veterans who kept this land independent", "you aren't a real man until you've finished the army" and so on. It's built-in to our society that every man should go there and choosing the alternative service was/is considered as "gay" or "avoiding responsibilities". The situation luckily has gotten better during the past few years, and choosing the alternative service isn't so rare anymore nor it carries so huge stigma in these years either. Of course there still exists those conservative families who want their sons to wear the uniform but overall the change, in my opinion, has been quite dramatic during the 2010-2013 alone. Maybe there is hope for humanity.

Anyways.. at 18, I submitted my letters to the alternative, civil service thinking that's it, I'm gonna do crap work for one year and I'm done with it after that. It took around 2 years until they called me to the service, I had almost forgotten I ever applied there. and when I got my letters I just stared at 'em thinking if this really is the path I want to take.. I have my own ethical reasons not to pick up a rifle with intention of harming other human being with it but still I started thinking "what if there is something I'm going to miss if I'll go straight to civil service" and so I replied them requesting change to regular conscription. Army worked quite a lot faster than the civil side and I got my next letters after a few weeks, stating that my service would start right after a few months, Jan 2011, so I packed my bags, had to quit my job and prepared for whatever "fun" I was going to face in -30ºF.

I stayed 4 months with intentions of trying to understand it, the organized chaos, the reasons for it and the people running it. Then signed back to civil service and completed my duty for this land by spending the rest of the year filing documents and doing paperwork in one of our bureaus.

During the conversation I had with my friend I realized that the army was probably the place where the gender confusion really got me. If I didn't "fit in" at school, I surely didn't fit in there. I remember walking in the barracks, where figuratively speaking one could smell the testosterone in the air and the whole.. place was so full of sexism that I had hard times to find anyone to talk with. I'm that kind of a person who doesn't take almost anything personally nor I get offended but I just couldn't.. talk.. with people who thought the only fun jokes were gay jokes, the only fun story was the tale of Private X who happened to get laid during previous vacation.

I realized that I wasn't like that. I didn't even want to be like that. Ever. it didn't offend me personally but it confused me a lot when I couldn't relate to any of it and I still can't. (After a while I found mutual interests with my "combat pair" so I had someone to talk with, but still.) I remember laying on my bed back there and thinking that "I will never understand men.. wait.. what did I just thought"

Just felt like writing again.

I like the smell of gunpowder better than the smell of toner cartridges!   

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 29, 2013, 07:19:14 PM
I like the smell of gunpowder better than the smell of toner cartridges!   

Hugs, Devlyn

True enough. Can't say I didn't learn a lot while in there (suddenly things like waiting a bus in the rain feel like nothing when you've been in a forest in -30F for a week and a half, probably the worst time of my life, still crazy experience ) but I don't like our system, it's outdated and futile in modern world. Waste of money and resources. Nobody wanted to be there, everyone were just trying to slack and avoid any work so the effectiveness is not nearly as great as it could be with motivated, volunteered people. I just thought I did everyone a favor with signing back to civil service where I was able to earn money doing freelancer job, socialize with my friends, look for a new apartment and such.

<3 Sara