Hey, I'm Courtney. I don't know any of you. You don't know me. But I have no one to turn to. No one to talk to. Maybe that's my own fault. But my being lost has led me here. I've never really been able to just type out my thoughts, share something about me that no one really knows. Although I'm assuming you all can already guess? I'm transgender. At least that's the conclusion I've come up with. I have no reason to doubt it. I'm just going to type out a little bit of my story. Maybe a few questions along the way. You don't have to read it if you don't want. I'm sure my story isn't any more of a struggle than yours is. Here goes...
(btw I had a tough time determining whether this should be put into introductions or transgender talk, I put it in introductions but if moderators feel that it would be best to move this to transgender talk, please feel free to)
Well, I'll keep most of my information private along the way but lets start with some back story. MtF pre-everything. And by everything, I mean everything besides the realization that I am trans and general knowledge about trans issues. I come from a family of all boys, of which I am the youngest. I don't remember much of my childhood (When I speak of childhood I speak of ages 0 - 10). I have a recollection of an event here and there, but most of it's cloudy. I learned things quickly as a kid. One of those being that I knew, being a boy, that any emotions I had about wanting to be a girl were not socially accepted. It only took once... one time grabbing my mothers lipstick when I was a child and being explained to by an adult (my mother) the social norms of society. "Boys don't wear make up. Only girls do". I'm paraphrasing of course as that conversation happened 13 years and I don't remember the exact words, but I got the gist of what she was saying right away. That wasn't my "AHA! I'm transgender!" moment, as I had no idea what transgender meant or that transgender people even existed, though it was the only moment I needed to hush me up from then until now (with one exception along the way which I will mention later if I don't forget) about my inner feelings concerning my gender. From that moment on all my emotions became suppressed. I regret being so ashamed then. If I would have known better at the time, I would have made it more evident to my parents that their little boy wasn't a little boy...
There aren't many actions from my childhood that I can really distinct as signs of possibly being trans (though I do remember constantly wishing in my head to be a girl, that's where those wishes stayed). I can think of three off of the top of my head, although how significant they are depends on the reader. I honestly myself don't really know how significant they are. Probably not at all, just social stereotypes maybe. One I already mentioned was the lipstick around age four. The second was just memories of what kids love to do, playing pretend. For me, when I was with others, I would always take a boy role. Whether that be a Disney character, or a made up one. I knew I had to maintain a mask of a male role even then. But when I was alone, I would always pretend to be the princess, damsel in distress, or the girl hero. I enjoyed it. I felt that it suited me. But being afraid, I kept those feelings silent all those years. And the last thing, although just a personal observation I made, was that my favorite stuffed animal in the whole world ( a bunny ) I "gave" a girl role to. I always referred to it as "she", and would get upset when aunts, uncles, and grandparents accidentally called it "he". I overlooked that for so many years... but now that I look back, both of my brothers had favorite stuffed animals too. But they always referred to them with male pronouns... my childhood best friend (boy) who lived across the street also referred to his stuffed animal by male pronouns. I'll be honest, I don't know how significant that is. I mean, am I just looking for justification? Or is there actually significance behind that observation? It's strange, I know beyond a reasonable doubt that I am trans, but I still look to the past for justification. As if I have to think of examples from the past to prove myself to others when the time comes. Should I even have to justify myself to others?
Lets move along, towards middle school. This was most definitely a confusing and stressful time in my life. Puberty hit, and my gender confusion got worse. I wanted to be a girl so bad but at the same time I was physically attracted to girls. I was so confused. This brought me down into a depression that still lingers today. I am not happy in my body. I'm sure anyone viewing this who is trans can relate. I've contemplated suicide multiple times, but to be honest, I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. I didn't understand myself. I hated myself. I prayed to God every day that he would turn me into a girl while I slept. I begged, pleaded with Him. Tried to make bargains with Him (I say this to show my desperation at the time and although I still consider myself Christian I completely respect others beliefs and in no way do I wish for this to start a religious debate). This was also an era in which I began to crossdress at home in secret. When no one was home I would sneak into my moms room and take her shirts, bras, and pants and try them on. I'd pretend to be a girl while everyone else was away. And that made me happy in the moment, but afterwards I felt ashamed. When my parents or brothers came home I would be so scared, like somehow they would know. I was so paranoid and fearful about them finding out that I would check myself 4 or 5 times to see if I still had my moms clothes on ( like somehow they were going to magically appear? Silly me ) even when I had put them away. I had gotten returning my moms clothes down to a science. So paranoid that I would be caught if I didn't put the clothes in the exact position I got them in ( Like my mom checked to see if here clothes were moving positions by a few inches while she was gone? Once again... silly me ).
Anyways, still talking about middle school here. In 7th grade I bought myself an iPod touch. Oh my goodness how that purchase changed my life... through that iPod I learned what transgender was. Randomly searching on the internet for "how to be a girl" thinking that there was some magical pill or something that could fix my problem. It was then I opened the door to the world of people just like me. People with the same problems and emotions. A community of people that I could relate to and learn from. And after months of research figuring out the hows and whys and the emotions of others, I realized I wasn't much different from them. I realized that transition was possible. I could be a girl. At first a was relieved, but then I read further into it. I read about the negative viewpoints people have towards trans people. That began to scare me. I realized that the Christian church (I use this once again to explain my situation and not to start a religious debate. I have no intention of offending anyone and my sincerest apologies if I inadvertently do so) was generally not accepting of LGBT individuals. This was a huge problem for me, because my family was (and still is) a generally religious family. I realized that it would not be a cakewalk, and that I had to make a decision about what to do. To this day I regret letting fear get the best of me in middle school. I thought I was so old then, so "well established" in life, and that a decision to transition would be my downfall because I thought I was already too old ( and for the third time, silly me
). I let fear get the best of me. Now that I look back, oh my goodness if I would have began transition in middle school, I would be so much further along! I question though whether or not my conservative parents would have even allowed me to go to therapy, let alone transition. So I don't know, maybe fear was the best thing for the time.
Now moving along more to the present. Pretty much identical as far as progress, I can pretty much sum up my Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior year of High School into this:
I was too afraid to come out. I stayed fairly incognito, and just continued to research transition and try to muster up the courage to tell someone. Tried to keep my grades up. I did an okay job ( 3.5 GPA ), but not as well as I could have. Progress towards transition just remained stagnant all of those years. I had taken two steps into transition: Realization, and Research. But considering that's all I did in the 5 years I had known that was trans, I was, and still am, very disappointed in myself.
The only real progress I've made in high school happened just this last summer. I finally came out to someone. I told a girl from school. I was so scared. So afraid of bullying that when I sent her the message telling her everything, I was prepared to kill myself. The only time I had ever gained the courage was that night. I don't know where it came from. I gained enough courage that night to tell my darkest secret to someone, and gained enough courage to be prepared to commit suicide if her response had been negative. That's how afraid of people I was, even her, my best friend, I would have died rather than put up with losing my best friend. Well, obviously by your reading my post she was supportive
She didn't have much knowledge about what transgender was, but she said she was my friend no matter what. I was so relieved. After all that time, I finally took a third step... telling someone. Through that experience this summer I've come to the realization that taking my life due to nonacceptance would not have been a reasonable option. So I'm thankful that she was supportive, because in the heat of the moment, I could have made a terrible mistake.
Well, that's a summary of my experiences that have lead me here. I tried to keep it short and sweet but it appears I might have dragged on quite a bit. I needed a place to just sit down for a couple hours and just talk about my feelings, even if no one reads this, it was good for me to just put it down into words. If you did read this, maybe you'll read a little further. Below I'm going to put a little plan for the future, to be honest even with all the research I've done, I'm still not sure how to really begin. Or maybe I do know how, but I'm just to scared to start.
I have come to the conclusion that it would be in my best interest to begin transition in college (considering my most likely unsupportive family and all). My plan is to go to a trans-friendly college. Hopefully I can begin transition early freshman year and be finished ( if there is such a thing as finishing transition, some would probably argue that there isn't, and to be honest I'm not in the position to disagree ) by the end of senior year. Most importantly I want to go to a college whose healthcare plan covers transition ( there are a select few from what I've heard, if you know any, please let me know ). This is something I did not research until very recently and still I don't know much about it at all. If you have any advice regarding transitioning in college, please, please, please share it! Anyways, even before college though, I have a few things I feel that I probably need to do. I would like to begin to see a therapist, get my letter of recommendation for HRT and be on my way. I'd at least want to begin taking testosterone blockers to prevent me from getting any more manly than I already am. Once again though, I have trouble gaining the courage to go even see a therapist. Fear is my worst enemy, and maybe some of yours as well. How can I overcome it?
In conclusion, wow, if you read all the way to here, thanks for taking the time to read a bit about my life so far. I know there are a lot of people on here who are already very far into transition. As I said in the beginning, I am pre-everything and one thing I know is that I don't know it all. Please share with me any advice, inspiration, or even criticism that you have. It will all be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
Courtney
