Sorry, I know this is pretty long but I really, really need help.

I finally came out to my parents the other day. My mother sort of forced it out of me as I was talking to her on the phone. I had been away for a few days to go on job interviews and when I got home, the entire family attacked me.

They can't seem to grasp the concept of what it means to be transgender so they've resorted to saying that I'm gay because they found out that I was visiting my girlfriend who lives in the area where I was job searching.

My mother is an ultra religious Christian and my dad is very bigoted so being gay is a "disgusting sin" to them. I tried to explain to them that it's not wrong to be gay but that I'm not technically gay anyway since I feel that I'm a man in a woman's body. That only made them more outraged though because "god doesn't make mistakes". At one point my dad even screamed at me to "look down between your damn legs, you're not a man" and he and my mother both agreed that they would rather have had me become a prostitute and come home pregnant than have spent time with my girlfriend (even though nothing happened).

I'm not sure how to deal with them. I know they've abused me in the past but I still love them, especially my mother. I thought that at least she would understand me but she has a childlike faith and there's no reasoning with her. It's heartbreaking to know that I'm hurting her so much over this. I tried to tell her that I'm not a mistake, that god made me this way for some reason but she wasn't having it. Her and my dad told me that being transgender or gay is not only a sin but also a communist conspiracy used to warp peoples' minds and turn them away from god. That should give you an idea of the type of craziness and naïveté I'm dealing with here.

My mother is making herself sick over this and my dad has been threatening to kill himself. I feel like I destroyed my family.

They keep telling me to either cut off all contact with my girlfriend or leave home and never come back because they don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I chose to leave but I can't because my dad has already threatened to take my car away or report it stolen if I try to since it's registered in his name. He's also threatened to smash my computer so that means I won't be able to find help. I'm stuck and don't know how to get out of this mess. My girlfriend's family doesn't have a car right now or else they would come to get me.

My dad did say he and my mother would see a gender therapist with me to try to "fix" me but I'm not sure how long it will take to find a decent therapist and make an appointment. I'm afraid my dad will start getting physically violent with me since he's physically abused my mother, my sisters and me in the past. I'm hoping that a gender therapist will be able to reason with them because they may listen to a professional but if things get worse I might just make a run for it to my girlfriend's house even though she lives hours away. Until then, I think I'll try to get them in to a therapist's office.

Are there any Christian gender therapists out there who might be able to reason with my mother? I don't want her hurting because she thinks that I'm some kind of evil sinner who's going to hell. I live in the Pittsburgh PA area and I've looked for some kind of Christian therapist who deals with transgender issuse but I can't find any.

For now I've decided to stop engaging them since it's impossible to talk with them sensibly. Is there anything I can do other than just leaving? I don't want to leave my family in this turmoil whether they deserve it or not.

 Rember you will have to make the choice in the end. All we can do is help you make it.
Truthfully  I  think your mom does support you I think she's just afraid to go aginst your father.
One reason I see for you to stay is to be a great big brother and protect your sister from getting beat. Outerwise why put your self through that much stress
Ok lets put it this way would you rather go live with your girlfriend and be the man you are and be happy  or stay at home and possible have to pretend your a women and be sad

wow. thats really extreme. im sorry, is there anywhere you can go stay to be away from them?

Big hug! There's a lot you could do other than leave, but really, why? Hanging around people who don't accept you isn't going to help you grow and thrive. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Contravene on June 30, 2013, 04:13:36 AM
My mother is making herself sick over this and my dad has been threatening to kill himself. I feel like I destroyed my family.

It's important to keep in mind that this is not your fault, and it's completely on your parents.  They are reacting to the extreme, buy by reacting this way they are only hurting themselves.

Don't feel responsible for their actions.

if transportation is the only thing keeping you from leaving, there are absolutely options for you. have you considered taking a bus to where your girlfriend lives? there are plenty of affordable public transportation options. If you need to talk to someone about transportation logistics but don't want to go into super-thorough detail about you/your girlfriend's locations in such a public place, feel free to drop me a PM. A couple years ago, I moved 800 miles via MegaBus to get out of a less dire but still unhealthy family/location situation.

Also, whatever you do, don't feel like you are abandoning your family by leaving. sometimes things like this are best sorted out with some time and distance, especially when there is a history of abuse. A big part of abuse comes from rash reactions and people not thinking things through. Time and distance can do a lot to prevent that.

I know it's a crazy situation and it seems unsolvable right now, but you'll get through it!

Unfortunately you are in the midst of a very toxic and potentially dangerous situation. You are having emotionally manipulative techniques used on you by both parents and there is a possibility of violence against you by your father who you admit has a history of familial violence. You need to move away and put some time and space between you and your family without letting guilt feelings overtake you. I had to put my mom and my sister on the back burner for ten years. I didn't see or speak to them during that time until they changed their attitudes. You have the right to be who and what you perceive yourself to be and it's none of their business. Sounds cold, but that's how you have to deal with it for your own good. ((Hugs))

I would stop trying to talk to them about it and do everything you can to get out on your own as soon as possible.  Meaning - sit tight and do what you need to leave ASAP - get a job if you don't have one all ready and save money, etc.  I have no idea how possible that is for you, but you have to make it work. Time to move on from your family - for your health, safety, and quality of life.

You can't argue or convert their level of ignorance and hatred - not at the same time you are battling them to accept you simultaneously (in their minds) as having a girlfriend and being transgender.  The most open minded parents have trouble with this - it is 10000000x worse with parents who believe what yours do.

If you drop it completely (in front of them only of course) and just act like you're moving out because you're an adult and want your own space, you might even get to keep your car.  It will probably be a bit of time before you can move out safely, right?  That time will be a buffer to dissipate the threats of him reporting it stolen. Maybe. Tread carefully with this one, of course.  Don't let that car be your leash.

When they talk to you about any of it, just be civil and smile and say you are putting it on hold for awhile while you sort yourself out.  Which is completely true. You are putting it on hold with them, not with yourself.

They want you to go see a gender therapist that will talk you out of it, not work out your feelings.

Leaving home doesn't mean abandoning your Mother. It means giving yourself some space from them, and them space from you. Eventually, time will help you work out these problems with them.  But honestly - that is not going to happen while you live with them. It will take years most likely.

You need a backup plan at all times to leave the instant any violence or threats of violence appears - like other people have said, get bus passes, stash some cash - keep a bag ready.

TLDR - you have to stop talking about this with them or the stress levels in your home will eat you up and ruin your life as long as you live there.  Act like you are putting it on hold.  Be as nice as possible and do not create friction. Pander to them, and then leave ASAP.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, everyone.

Unfortunately I don't have anywhere to go that's closer to home but I can always get away to my girlfriend's house if I need to so that might answer your question Tristan.  I really don't mind driving the couple hours to her house though and it might even be better that she's so far away because the distance would deter my parents from coming after me if I did need to stay with her.

Things seem to have calmed down a little but I have a bag packed and some cash ready to go just in case. I've been keeping my distance from my family members as much as possible and haven't been engaging them in any conversation so that's helped a little too. Occasionally my mother will ask to talk to me but it only breaks down into her yelling at me and me calmly listening to it then walking away. I haven't talked to my dad at all yet and don't plan to if I can help it.

As far as the whole therapy thing goes, Spacerace, you were right. They had agreed to let me choose a therapist but now my mother is insisting that I see a Christian counselor instead who obviously will support her strict religious views rather than helping her understand everything from a neutral, psychological standpoint. I'm not really sure how to deal with that problem yet but I guess I'll deal with it when the time comes. For now I've let them know that I've put everything on hold like you suggested. I don't have a job yet but I've been working really hard to find one and even have a few intervews again tomorrow so getting a job is my priority right now and everything else is on the backburner. It will take a bit of time before I can move out safely but hopefully not too much longer.

Like everyone else suggested I won't be staying here for long, it's just not worth it. I've taken abuse for and from all of them, I'm tired of being their whipping boy and scapegoat. I wouldn't be surprised if they just don't want me to leave because when I do they'll finally have to confront each other and their own problems rather than just taking it all out on me. Distance will definitely be good for everyone and it's about time I left anyway.

That sounds really rough Contravene  *bear hug*

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time with your family.  I know you are probably feeling guilty about breaking up your family and upsetting your mom... but please remember that they are the ones making the ultimatums and telling you to join them in their vision of righteousness or get out and never come back.  Even if you tried to change to please them and keep the family together, it doesn't sound like they will ever accept you.

As to what to do...  I'd recommend talking to the folks at the Pittsburgh Gay and Lesbian Community center.   
http://www.glccpgh.org/  or  Phone: 412.422.0114
Tell them exactly what you've told us here about your situation.  They should have the skinny on available programs and youth and women's shelters in your area, (if you need one).    If transportation is the only thing stopping you, they may be able to help there as well.

I'd also recommend checking out your local YMCA and YWCA.  I'm not familiar with the ones in your area, but many of them have temporary housing options and programs to help you find work and establish yourself. 

Of course, if you are under 18 everything is a bit more complicated. 
If you are really in a bind, check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline at  http://www.thehotline.org/
Good info and links to local help.

+1 to SunKat's advice. You never know whether there's some place in your area where you could stay that might be safer for you.

I'd also recommend running like Forrest Gump. Particularly from that 'Christian counsellor', who as you so rightly said is likely to just try to browbeat you about what a massive 'sinner' you are. I'd imagine they're likely to try to 'pray away the gay', and that's not what you need in your life.

You're doing the right thing: keep your head down, save up, and get the heck out of Dodge as soon as humanly possible.

Stay safe.

I'm so saddeneds when I hear about situations like yours. As a parent I could never imagine treating my child like that. I'm sorry that you are going through this and you don't deserve to be treated this way. I think that people here have given you some good advise. Just do you best to keep yourself safe. I hope things workout you seem like a bright kid and things will get better. Your parents are ignorant and abusive so getting away from them is key.

Please let us know how you doing.

Rea

Quote from: Contravene on June 30, 2013, 04:13:36 AM
Sorry, I know this is pretty long but I really, really need help.

I finally came out to my parents the other day. My mother sort of forced it out of me as I was talking to her on the phone. I had been away for a few days to go on job interviews and when I got home, the entire family attacked me.

They can't seem to grasp the concept of what it means to be transgender so they've resorted to saying that I'm gay because they found out that I was visiting my girlfriend who lives in the area where I was job searching.

My mother is an ultra religious Christian and my dad is very bigoted so being gay is a "disgusting sin" to them. I tried to explain to them that it's not wrong to be gay but that I'm not technically gay anyway since I feel that I'm a man in a woman's body. That only made them more outraged though because "god doesn't make mistakes". At one point my dad even screamed at me to "look down between your damn legs, you're not a man" and he and my mother both agreed that they would rather have had me become a prostitute and come home pregnant than have spent time with my girlfriend (even though nothing happened).

I'm not sure how to deal with them. I know they've abused me in the past but I still love them, especially my mother. I thought that at least she would understand me but she has a childlike faith and there's no reasoning with her. It's heartbreaking to know that I'm hurting her so much over this. I tried to tell her that I'm not a mistake, that god made me this way for some reason but she wasn't having it. Her and my dad told me that being transgender or gay is not only a sin but also a communist conspiracy used to warp peoples' minds and turn them away from god. That should give you an idea of the type of craziness and naïveté I'm dealing with here.

My mother is making herself sick over this and my dad has been threatening to kill himself. I feel like I destroyed my family.

They keep telling me to either cut off all contact with my girlfriend or leave home and never come back because they don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I chose to leave but I can't because my dad has already threatened to take my car away or report it stolen if I try to since it's registered in his name. He's also threatened to smash my computer so that means I won't be able to find help. I'm stuck and don't know how to get out of this mess. My girlfriend's family doesn't have a car right now or else they would come to get me.

My dad did say he and my mother would see a gender therapist with me to try to "fix" me but I'm not sure how long it will take to find a decent therapist and make an appointment. I'm afraid my dad will start getting physically violent with me since he's physically abused my mother, my sisters and me in the past. I'm hoping that a gender therapist will be able to reason with them because they may listen to a professional but if things get worse I might just make a run for it to my girlfriend's house even though she lives hours away. Until then, I think I'll try to get them in to a therapist's office.

Are there any Christian gender therapists out there who might be able to reason with my mother? I don't want her hurting because she thinks that I'm some kind of evil sinner who's going to hell. I live in the Pittsburgh PA area and I've looked for some kind of Christian therapist who deals with transgender issuse but I can't find any.

For now I've decided to stop engaging them since it's impossible to talk with them sensibly. Is there anything I can do other than just leaving? I don't want to leave my family in this turmoil whether they deserve it or not.

Hi there Contravene,

I'm sitting here with sadness on my face as I type.  Your story is heartbreaking.  I'm so, so very sorry for your pain.  I understand.  My mother, a hyper-religious woman from a Greek village, where my great aunt was removed from the earth for sexual contact with a priest when she was 19 and in the prime of her life.  My mother came with all that village shame in her, and so, when her son came out as gay--you guessed the rest.

It took her ten years to figure it all out.  She did, eventually, and over that decade, many wounds on my heart, which I do not talk with her about.  Hers was a 'biotheological' theory "God punished me for wanting a girl as my second child" she roared at me, with a vein popping out of her neck, that I can still see to this day "and so he flooded my uterus with female hormones".

I can laugh about that story--sometimes--but sometimes I still can't.

Can you 'do' anything?  I'm very cautious here.  I'm not sure I have the wisdom to intrude on another's life and 'be prescriptive' with direction or directives.  My heart tells me to just show you kindness.  And then you'll figure this all out yourself, in time.  I can't see the future--and don't know if your mum and dad will come around.  Some do--many do.  Though some children end up rejecting the parent/s because the scarring is so hurtful.

No logic with my mum did anything.  No exegeses (and I did try these with her--the Bible only mentions the term 'arsenokoitai' - three times - the word they say means 'homosexual'.  A whole nother chapter.  Let me know if you think a scriptural analysis would get through to your folks.  I'm happy to share  what I learned about the ancient Greek version of the Bible (that preceded the Latin Vulgate version around 400 ad).  PM me if you would rather that privately done.

Anyhowz--my regards to you.  And courage for your journey.

Stav

I know I haven't been around for a while so I figured I would give a short update on how I'm doing. I was going to start a new thread but I decided to reply here because I wanted to thank everyone for their advice and encouragment so I hope no one minds me bumping an old thread. I didn't mean to just drop off like that but things were getting pretty difficult.

Things have gotten a little better with my family mainly because they don't see me much. There hasn't been a violent outburst from them in a while so I'm thankful for that too. My mother is still on her religious tangent and no matter what I say, I can't get through to her, she's only interested in the Bible passages that can be twisted to reinforce her hatred so I've given up on that. I would still be interested in learning about what the Greek version of the Bible says just out of curiosity though.

In the meantime I've gotten not one but two jobs!  Which is the main reason I haven't seen my family much. My main job is in my field so it's an awesome start for my future. It's kind of embarassing that I haven't been able to move out yet but as soon as I have enough money in the bank, I'm packing up and getting out of here.

Things are looking up for me finally.

Thanks for the update man, we appreciate it. I am glad you are working and in control of the situation as much as humanly possible. I hope things with your family gets better.

Seems like you are making major progress in your life, so congrats - I hope things continue to improve, and it is nice you got a job you can use to build your resume in the field you want to go into to.

Quote from: Contravene on September 27, 2013, 08:00:23 PM
It's kind of embarassing that I haven't been able to move out yet but as soon as I have enough money in the bank, I'm packing up and getting out of here.

Don't feel embarrassed at all about not being moved out just yet. It takes time, and it really has not been that long since you started this thread at least. It is good you are being responsible about it while still keeping a goal in mind.

good luck!

As cold as it sounds, it sounds like you're better off without your parents. If they bring up religion to justify their views then you're really going to have a hard time getting through to them.

Contravene I was in the same spot growing up. Although my father rarely ever used any physical violence as abuse. His method of choice is and was emotional, financial, verbal abuse.

I moved out when I was 21 and still identifying as a boy. What I learned was that my parents would try to "be nice" to me and still give me things which they would use to control me. Please don't fall for that and try to do as much as you can on your own. I left and fourteen years later my parents still abuse each other and try to control me. I haven't spoken to my father in over a year and my mother sees nothing wrong with him. All my leaving the house did was speed up the confrontations between them.

I also agree that being transgender is something that god gave you not as a punishment but a gift to do with as you will. Your family has religion but god only asks for faith. Safe travels and keep your chin up.

Im very saddened by your situation, coming to terms with being trans is very hard enough but to do so in a toxic environment is extremely so.

I feel you need to remove yourself from that environment.  You must protect yourself first and foremost, in this case its clear that reasoning will not work.  A parents role is to nurture and protect.  A follower of christ loves and forgives first and foremost.  You are being abused and it is not your fault and it is not your responsability to fix your abusers.  Get away, get some fresh air and distance and focus on caring for yourself.

  Some gender centers can help with finding accommodation, temporary or otherwise.  Contact social workers in your area and ask for help.

Threatening to kill himself is a manipulative, hateful action- it is not a christian act.  Suicide was made a sin early in the church formation to stop martyrdom which was creating dwindling number of christians at the time.  It's been a sin ever since.  Regardless of if god makes mistakes or not, gods truths are not your fathers to dictate or rule on.  God moves in mysterious ways and gender variance is a fact in this world. Your father is not a christian, he just dresses like one.  Discard his arguements, dont let them effect you.  Be strong and look to nourishing and protecting yourself.

Speak to therapists, social workers, anyone who can possibly help you get some space.

I hope you find your way through these dark times.  There is a lot of happy, light times ahead.