Realizing that I am going to have years and years of work to get out the programming I have been subjected to by "well meaning" doctors, family and church folks who tried to make me "normal". I had an episode last night where I was in a possibly hostile situation and automatically flashed to male mode destroying a calmness I had experienced for a couple of months since finally deciding to transition. It scares me to think that post transition I might accidently do the same thing and destroy my NEW future. It really rattled me to realize just how good they programmed my automatic responses. It was almost like when I was a paramedic performing patient care protocols, I just reacted without thinking, kind of a muscle memory reaction. I am still shaking, badly!
