Is that part of your avatar then?  Stepping to the edge arms out?  I like to think you have some golden wings that can carry you aloft for endless soaring and carving the rising thermals.

Thanks for helping me lol

Most of my Anxity related to gender issues dissolved slowly as I started living as myself.  The Anxity seemed to disappear at about the same time as the fear of being attacked for being different.  I slowly faced my fear and my presentation slowly changed from daggy male to androgynous feminine clothes on clearly male body to man in dress to bearded lady. With many other terms used to describe my appearance over the last 5 or so years.  I've had a number of stumbling blocks thanks to a"gender specialist shrink" and some binary TransWomen.  But now living full time as a gender diverse person/ bearded lady/ M2WTF.  Currently trying to save for SRS.  Only Anxity related to Identity that I still face is that I will never find someone who will Love me as I am.

Anxiety is a horrible, horrible thing. I've had insane anxiety issues since I can remember and I'm still to scared to go see a therapist (mostly because I don't think it'd help).

I used to cope with razor blades. From 8th grade to junior year in college, I carved up my body good 'n' fine. Then I met my wife (who coped the same way) and we quit together. Though life has considerably improved, anxiety is still there. I try my best to cope in nonviolent ways, but sometimes, I have to lash out. So I go on anger marches with my dogter and get into minor sluggin' moshpits with trees in my way.

If I'm not full of violent-rage-anxiety, I usually deal with it by sleeping or listening to music. I have a trigger album (that's like a drug and saved my life multiple times over during high school) I listen to when there's absolutely no hope or joy or life left anywhere. As soon as I put it on, I cry like a baby as everything else melts away with the music; I end up with sleepy, tear-swollen eyes and a stuffed nose and can usually fall right asleep. Upon waking, I'm "sane" again. It's great. Sleep is so good for this and music is even better. Then again, music and sleep combined is what I'd recommend.

Alcohol, drugs, razor blades and all that other ->-bleeped-<- isn't technically coping. It functions in the same way as a trash can no one wants to empty; flatten the palm of your hand and push it deeper so you can pile more stuff on top. It's a short-term sedative and will ultimately lead to explosion. Oh, and it's incredibly addicting. I've read multiple sources claiming that cutting is more addicting than heroine. Best to not start either. No long-term fixes there!

Quote from: Gewaltraud on September 30, 2013, 04:57:08 AMIf I'm not full of violent-rage-anxiety, I usually deal with it by sleeping or listening to music. I have a trigger album (that's like a drug and saved my life multiple times over during high school) I listen to when there's absolutely no hope or joy or life left anywhere. As soon as I put it on, I cry like a baby as everything else melts away with the music; I end up with sleepy, tear-swollen eyes and a stuffed nose and can usually fall right asleep. Upon waking, I'm "sane" again. It's great. Sleep is so good for this and music is even better. Then again, music and sleep combined is what I'd recommend.

I used to be like that... until music itself started giving me panic attacks. I don't listen to much music anymore. :I

Quote from: Gewaltraud on September 30, 2013, 04:57:08 AMAlcohol, drugs, razor blades and all that other ->-bleeped-<- isn't technically coping. It functions in the same way as a trash can no one wants to empty; flatten the palm of your hand and push it deeper so you can pile more stuff on top. It's a short-term sedative and will ultimately lead to explosion. Oh, and it's incredibly addicting. I've read multiple sources claiming that cutting is more addicting than heroine. Best to not start either. No long-term fixes there!

There's coping, and then there's coping, IMO. There's really no such thing as perfectly healthy coping; the only way to be totally well is to overcome the anxiety. But for most of us chronic people, that's a crapshoot. Sometimes you just have to be OK with coping in a way that leaves the least amount of fallout. Alcohol works for me right now-- a drink a day helps, but I know the consequence is that getting drunk has become a dangerous pursuit and I have to settle for a buzz even if there's an open bar in front of me because I'm such a heavyweight now. The endorphin rush I used to get from self-harming has now been outsourced to my husband, which we now call "BDSM". The consequence of that is... nothing, actually, and getting it through an impartial third party is much safer for me. It's coping, but it's not coping, you know? It's a condition that I'm learning to manage on my own.

That said... I've finally gotten fed up with my depression enough to make me see my GP about it rather than go through a therapist. I've tried everything under the sun to help with that, and nothing's working well enough. I draw the line at worrying about my job security. Wish me luck in trying to get medicated. :V

ah, so you've drawn a line?
i should've done that. i'm worrying about way too much, money (which i don't have too little of), job security (which wouldn't be anything to worry about if only i could keep myself together. depression is my only enemy here), family (i manage to worry about all, including myself), etc.
in the end i decided that i'll drag myself through this current crisis. 3 weeks left to do the impossible, and after that, i'll get serious about killing my anxiety.

i've also had fits of anger. nothing that would make me self harm, i'm not really a masochist, or at least not in that way. if i ever cut, it will be in order to bleed to death. but there was a long period where i had to resort to the grotesque in order to calm down from a rather homicidal mood. guro hentai is nice... not that i'd actually like any of it to happen irl. it's best suited for fiction. i'd also listen to violent music, imagining the most horrible ways of killing some people who deserve much worse than death.

for some reason the violent feelings have been exchanged with anxiety. it might have happened before without me remembering it. i think i like the situation better now that i don't feel like i need to kill someone to get on with my life. something must have changed in a good way.

Yeah, I had to draw a line someplace. If I think about it too hard, it's actually kind of arbitrary, but pretending that my shot at a Martha Stewart-esque life could be in shambles is what really did it. If my caring about it is going to be superficial, then line is going to be superficial too. The reality is that my marriage would all but fall apart, I'd be facing bankruptcy, and I'd be one step short of homeless if I lost this job. But the white picket fence is easier to imagine as a goal than knowing that I'm sidestepping all of that. So I do what works. :T

I've had fits of anger so bad that I was one fiber of strength away from grabbing a fork and jamming it into someone's face. But for me, it's not that I need to take it out on someone, but rather that someone needs to hurt, catharsis needs to be had, and as a masochist I'm totally OK with it being me. (Not even going to get started on how much being a masochist has attracted all kinds of nasty abusive people to me in the past; needless to say, though, that now I know how I work, I'm tougher than ever.) Quite frankly, I don't really trust myself to be able to top someone else in a healthy way anyways. If I want someone to hurt, I don't want them to enjoy it whatsoever. There is one way that you can be mean and sadistic without hurting anyone, though... writing. I got through some of my worst years by writing.

Anyways Taka, take care of yourself, and I do hope that these 3 weeks are over sooner rather than later.

i'd rather have the three weeks last forever, since that would give me more time to finish the work that needs finishing. but then they' wouldn't be hell, so... yea.

i've hurt people through online role play. but that was for fun, not for relieving stress. i'd be too mean for role play if i did it to relieve stress. the problem i have with this want to hurt someone, is that the first person i'd kill if my self control broke, would be my neighbor (he's done unspeakable things to people i love). one thing is when certain family members or others anger me enough that saucers start flying. but when i find myself going through all the horriblest ways i could possibly manage to kill the neighbor, it's a little... evil and calculating in a way that isn't too easy to explain as some anxiety problems.

Quote from: Lo on September 30, 2013, 05:46:48 PM
I've had fits of anger so bad that I was one fiber of strength away from grabbing a fork and jamming it into someone's face. But for me, it's not that I need to take it out on someone, but rather that someone needs to hurt, catharsis needs to be had, and as a masochist I'm totally OK with it being me. (Not even going to get started on how much being a masochist has attracted all kinds of nasty abusive people to me in the past; needless to say, though, that now I know how I work, I'm tougher than ever.) Quite frankly, I don't really trust myself to be able to top someone else in a healthy way anyways. If I want someone to hurt, I don't want them to enjoy it whatsoever. There is one way that you can be mean and sadistic without hurting anyone, though... writing. I got through some of my worst years by writing.

Oh my, yes. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I've always been more of a masochistic-type of person - anything bad that ever happens to others or to myself, I always blamed on, well, myself. And I'm guessing it's due to my insanely religious-abusive childhood that helped push me into the direction of "punishing" myself for my "sins" via cutting/choking/punching cement walls/etc. I've never really felt the urge to harm other people until about a year ago. Since I never had to control my rage or violence, as I'd just take it out on myself, I find it incredibly difficult to control myself in situations in which I'd like to beat the living hell out of another person.

[Disclaimer: very personal and potentially offensive content]
As far as sex goes, I have a small confession, though I must first clarify that my libido is either dead or I never had a proper one to begin with. In any case, sex is *not* at the top of my list of necessities in life. My wife and I once watched "Ted Bundy" and I found myself awkwardly turned on by a lot of his (sexual) actions: the beating, forcefulness and urgency of the sex (not the fact that it was rape, just the way he went about it) and the utter disregard and disrespect of the person after she was killed (and violated again). I was so disturbed and affected by finding this film "on-turning" that I'm almost convinced that if I were a male, I'd probably be the exact same way. I've also told my wife about a fantasy I have, but will never live out: beating her to a bloody pulp in bed. There's BDSM on the one hand, which is controlled and usually very safe and then there's uncontrolled and unleashed violence for the sake of violence which would probably result in major injuries and/or death. But in my tiny world of violent thoughts, sex is just one (even tinier) scenario. 

Sometimes I get so angry at the world or specific people in it that I have to control myself by strangulation until I'm too weak to do anyone any harm. That's the quickest fix. Searching for a razor blade in moments of blind rage just make the anger and frustration levels go up - there's no time for patience. I'm taking 40 mg of citalopram a day, which is supposed to help with anxiety, stress and depression and, according to my wife, it's helped a bit, but once in a while I still have to punch me a good ol' tree. I would consider therapy if I weren't so paranoid that I'd be instantly locked up, not taken seriously or am beyond help.

i just learned that it's called atelophobia.
much easier to give a googlable term than to try and explain what it is that i fear so much. fun to see there are so many different phobias, not so fun to know that one is applicable to me.

Quote from: Taka on October 02, 2013, 01:30:34 AM
i just learned that it's called atelophobia.
much easier to give a googlable term than to try and explain what it is that i fear so much. fun to see there are so many different phobias, not so fun to know that one is applicable to me.

Hah! I didn't know there was a specific phobia name for that either. I'm guessing there's probably a phobia for everything. Still cool to be able to google it now, though.

Meds for me, talking to trusted friends and music. It really helps to have a support system 

What's the difference between anxiety and having a bad day?

Quote from: Pica Pica on October 02, 2013, 03:40:55 PM
What's the difference between anxiety and having a bad day?

Pica Pica, have you been scuba diving in your bathtub? Keep an eye out for the rubber ducky...

Quote from: Pica Pica on October 02, 2013, 03:40:55 PM
What's the difference between anxiety and having a bad day?

having a bad day is when everything just goes wrong and i get sad, upset, angry and can't wait to get it over with.
anxiety is a more like... even if the day is wonderful, a gnawing fear of "something" keeps ruining every single moment. i'm convinced that someone is out to get me and will do it any moment, or that whatever i try to do, it will go wrong, or..

bad days have bad things happening. anxiety makes me expect bad things to happen for no good reason at all.
bad days combined with anxiety are hell. calling them bad is too much of an understatement.

Quote from: Pica Pica on October 02, 2013, 03:40:55 PM
What's the difference between anxiety and having a bad day?

Anxiety is when your body's fight-flight-freeze response is triggered for no reason, and often. Physical symptoms include high blood pressure, heart palpitations, cold sweats, clammy skin, shortened breath, racing thoughts, malaise, fatigue, hypervigilance, nausea, diarrhea, diminished appetite, diminished sex drive, inability to concentrate, and many others. And that doesn't even include panic attacks, or side-effects of chronic and untreated anxiety, which can include heart problems, stomach ulcers, insomnia, a compromised immune system, migraines, teeth grinding, and hormonal imbalances, among others as well.

It's much, much more than just a bad day.

I've had days where I was trying to go about my business while being absolutely and totally convinced that I was doing to die. Yes, it's nigh impossible to function when you think you're going to get hit by a car 50 times a day, or that you're going to fall down the stairs, or get pushed in front of a train, or that needles are going to appear out of nowhere and stab you in the face.

My anxiety, as someone else said is caused socially.
It's more because well, I pass, sure, but if they're thinking they are misgendering me and that, I would never know and that may make them feel bad. I don't want other people feeling bad for making me feel great.

It also comes from if anything went wrong (aka binder ripping in half, packer falling out) and they noticed. Would they run? Laugh? I sure as hell don't want to find out. That's what I think about in my day to day basis. But to deal with it, usually I just assure myself it's gonna be fine. Cliché, right?
Clothes help me feel a little better -- just going out and buying new clothes and looking good. Maybe cutting my hair just that bit shorter. Doing whatever it takes for my stomach to stop twisting, you know? 

In the end, what calms me down is going on my blog, speaking to friends on Skype, eating fruit and listening to music. All at the same time.

In that case, I have anxiety about once every five years and then for about two days, the last time was my most recent birthday. It wasn't much fun. I used to be a far more anxious person. A lot has happened since then and most of it bad - I found having the bad things I feared happen to me cured me of the anxiety of it.

Quote from: Pica Pica on October 03, 2013, 02:01:56 PM
In that case, I have anxiety about once every five years and then for about two days, the last time was my most recent birthday. It wasn't much fun. I used to be a far more anxious person. A lot has happened since then and most of it bad - I found having the bad things I feared happen to me cured me of the anxiety of it.

that actually sounds like one of the better cures for it, to have something bad happen without dying from it.