This is going to sound stupid and really blunt but,,,,

For some reason my dysphoria is the worst this time of year(not sure if that makes sense but w/e), so the last week has been kind of....really awful. My self-esteem is ->-bleeped-<-. I feel stupid, ugly, and useless. I have no motivation or energy to really do anything, and I've only been sleeping 4 hours each night. I feel like dying everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I'm disgusting. Hearing my given name or being called 'sir' and ->-bleeped-<- is physically painful, like someone punched me really hard in the stomach. I wish I could just like, cry and at least have some kind of emotional release, but somehow I can't and it just sucks.

screw everything ugh

Quote from: shiriru on October 05, 2013, 09:51:24 PM
This is going to sound stupid and really blunt but,,,,

For some reason my dysphoria is the worst this time of year(not sure if that makes sense but w/e), so the last week has been kind of....really awful. My self-esteem is ->-bleeped-<-. I feel stupid, ugly, and useless. I have no motivation or energy to really do anything, and I've only been sleeping 4 hours each night. I feel like dying everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I'm disgusting. Hearing my given name or being called 'sir' and ->-bleeped-<- is physically painful, like someone punched me really hard in the stomach. I wish I could just like, cry and at least have some kind of emotional release, but somehow I can't and it just sucks.

screw everything ugh

Hugs hun! I understand how you feel 100% and it's not one bit stupid to feel this way. This time of the year is bad for me as I was born in December and have always had issues surrounding all of it from how I've felt all my life but since I've accepted who I am and want to move forward in life towards that goal all of those emotions have become stronger than before but in a good way. Yes It hurts so bad every time someone says Hey man or Mr, it's even worse when a family member says it, especially when it's compliment on how much of a man you are. But they don't know what I "we" know about who we really are. Have you been seeing a therapist? Crying is hard since it's something we've done our best to repress that emotion for years and years to appease the macho side. It was very hard even as emotional as I got and couldn't cry but those tears will eventually flow and when they do they will FLOW! Then it becomes easier the next time you just need to cry to get some relief from all of these emotions. Just remember that this is the very start of the journey, it's one of the toughest moments as we have so many good and bad things happening at once. When your down looking at the reflection in the mirror start up a conversation. I know it sounds crazy but some of the best relief moments I've had lately is talking to my image in the mirror.   

Quote from: Megan on October 05, 2013, 10:06:55 PM
Hugs hun! I understand how you feel 100%. This time of the year is bad for me as I was born in December and have always had issues surrounding all of it but since I've accepted who I am and want to move forward in life towards that goal all of those emotions have become stronger than before but in a good way. Yes It hurts so bad every time someone says Hey man or Mr, it's even worse when a family member says it, especially when it's compliment on how much of a man you are. But they don't know what I "we" know about who we really are. Have you been seeing a therapist? Crying is hard since it's something we've done our best to repress that emotion for years and years to appease the macho side. It was very hard even as emotional as I got and couldn't cry but they will eventually flow and when they do they will FLOW! Then it becomes easier the next time you just need to cry. Just remember that this is the very start of the journey, it's one of the toughest moments as we have so many good and bad things happening at once.

that actually makes me feel a little better thank you,,,,

And yeah, I've been seeing a therapist(Thursday couldn't come any sooner tbh,,,,,,)

Quote from: shiriru on October 05, 2013, 09:51:24 PM
This is going to sound stupid and really blunt but,,,,

For some reason my dysphoria is the worst this time of year(not sure if that makes sense but w/e), so the last week has been kind of....really awful. My self-esteem is ->-bleeped-<-. I feel stupid, ugly, and useless. I have no motivation or energy to really do anything, and I've only been sleeping 4 hours each night. I feel like dying everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I'm disgusting. Hearing my given name or being called 'sir' and ->-bleeped-<- is physically painful, like someone punched me really hard in the stomach. I wish I could just like, cry and at least have some kind of emotional release, but somehow I can't and it just sucks.

screw everything ugh

I totally understand on multiple accounts.  I wish I had something good to say, but I too can understand these thoughts. At the very least, venting is a good way to let it out and talking to others can be quite therapeutic.  You can have an emotional release here and we'll all help you through this the best we can.

Stay strong and don't let all of this defeat you.

Pronouns, Sir and my given name cause are uncomfortable and I want to yell out. I say please don't call me sir (the worst) and some have stopped but most just continue ( I am not out publicly). As I progress in my transition and identity build the more discomfort there is.

shiriru, you are not alone and you are normal. When I make positive traction in addressing my dysphoria I feel better bit by bit. I have a lot of dysphoric triggers. I have addressed many and I am starting to align, the specific dysphoric event decreases and then I focus on another to tackle.

You are the only one who can make it go away. It takes a lot or work, identity growth and addressing the items that are dysphoric; Hugs.

Quote from: learningtolive on October 06, 2013, 02:25:49 AM
I totally understand on multiple accounts.  I wish I had something good to say, but I too can understand these thoughts. At the very least, venting is a good way to let it out and talking to others can be quite therapeutic.  You can have an emotional release here and we'll all help you through this the best we can.

Stay strong and don't let all of this defeat you.

thanks,,,

Then one day the Ugly duckling woke up and found she was a beautiful young swan.

Hang in their Honey. I was never ever going to pass. I was an old ugly man - go see my pics in before and after!

Then one day, very recently,......my hairdresser came to me (he knew me before and helped my look) and said. 'The woman who left as you came in asked for your name, she was sure that she worked with you, just before you took time for maternity leave for your last baby.'

It happens Honey and we are here to help until it does.

Love and Hugs

Cindy