Hi!
So here is some background; I informed my wife before we started our relationship that I had gender issues. I didn't know.if the future had me as a guy, or a girl, or a girl with the wrong plumbing or what. She said it didn't matter to her and that she would stick with me through it, and support my transformation. Awesome.
I show her my female getup, she helps a bit with style, cool.

Fast forward to today: she is not comfortable with my transition. She doesn't understand why such a perfect example of a man would want to ruin it all... just like my ex before her. We have been fighting a lot. She says she hates tje transition, but os dealing with it for my sake. I don't know what that means.

Today was my appointment for bloodwork to see if my body can handle HRT. I can start within the next few days. Do I work with my wife until she is comfortable, or do I make the appointment and start my journey?

Start your journey...she knew what she was getting into before getting married.

Also, you may want to get ready to divorce. I'll bet she files before too long...and if she doesn't, you probably will want one.

Good luck with this.

From the amount You have posted, I am not sure she would ever be comfortable with Your transition... Sorry to sound harsh, but this rhetoric she is using... it sounds so similar - especially that piece about having such a perfect male specimen and ruining it with female hormones. She is not believing that You are actually improving Your self - for her You are ruining her image of person she has been with and loved truly and unconditionally. The HRT would be the ultimate litmus test of Your relationship - our relationship started to struggle after I came out to her and it sort of stabilised after I started the therapy. I noticed how she started to make slow and subtle steps to reconcile - but as soon as I told her that I have started the HRT... her attitude changed abruptly and she did not want to have anything common with me - the whole idea of estrogen being in my body just plainly disgusted her. But this is just my story - Yours might be different!

In my opinion, you need to weigh the need to be yourself with the need to be in a relationship.  I don't think that they are necessarily incompatible.  Keep open the lines of communication.   Maybe even consider having your S.O. join you in a therapy session to talk through some of the issues.

If there is still love, there may be a path to understanding.  Ignore the naysayers for the time being.

I would agree with Jamie.  If you love this person then I think you should at least make the effort to work through it.  Unfortunately the others may be right in the long (or even short) term; but I wouldn't want regrets down the line that I didn't make enough of an effort for somebody I truly cared for.

Am there, doing that.....

While I will post the full story of my journey with my wife, I will say that somehow, after all the problems; we just keep working through or stumbling through or falling through each problem.  It has been painful at times and she left (twice).  Then she comes back and against the odds, we are still together.

It takes communication; open, honest, full all out communication.  Then, giving and taking with compromise from each person. 
Then, just as you figured out that you were going to transition because you are a woman, she has to figure out and accept you, regardless of how you look or your sex.  That may or may not happen.  But until she makes that decision, it can be really messy.

Jugs,

Jen

Hello! In my case the dysphoria was just too strong to fight and I had to start the steps for transition. It was a constant and tiring battle between the woman inside and the male exterior. No one can possibly know how ruthless dysphoria can be. I lost a lot including family, friends and work as well as many other things when I notified (I hate the term coming out) all of them of the upcoming transition. It was not easy, but you need to be honest with yourself and understand it can't be bottled up without negative effects. People still tell me that it was a choice to transition. I tell them who would choose something that takes everything away from us, causes financial difficulties and causes us to lose our identity we had for so long. The first step is to see a therapist to get an official diagnosis. Do not bypass this extremely important step. As for your situation, is it possible she did not think you were serious? Is it possible she is afraid of her family and friends reactions? Does she feel like it will make her look bad or put a spotlight on her? Have you asked her if she will stay if you go ahead with transition? My advice is to let her read the section of this forum labeled for significant others. It may ease her mind if she knew more about gender dysphoria. Get her involved, informed and then have a long conversation with her about your future whether it is married or something else. It is possible she will get a better understanding of what we face on a daily basis. You cannot successfully transition until your mind is at ease. This is only my opinion though. So a recap: Seek out a therapist. Educate your wife and go from there. Good luck baby! BIG HUG 

From the "been there, done that" department...

After two years of marriage, knowing that I was feminine when we married, knowing I wanted to crossdress (still hadn't admitted being transgender to myself, but amassing information and persuading myself that I didn't need/want to transition) my (now-ex) wife "let" me dress in drag.  I had bought a wig, breast forms, an outfit, even shoes previously with her blessing... one weekend with the kids out of the house I tried it out.  She was horrified.  She claimed that it was such a shock, seeing another woman in the house, that she couldn't stand it after all.

I believed I had to bury that in myself in order to stay with her.  Twelve years later I was still burying bits of myself, my bisexuality (which she had been "fine" with before, even supportive, but which disgusted her later), my hopes, my dreams, my joy... everything.  Things turned very emotionally abusive after that two year mark, too, and I thought I had to change myself to stay in the relationship, because I had vowed to be with her for a lifetime.

It took getting out of that marriage to begin to believe I had any self worth.  Lots of therapy, too.  Then I got a girlfriend, who was very gender-queer herself, who was masculine to my feminine, who would protect me and hold me, and I thought, OK, I can do this... I can be a "man" to the world if I can have this.  This, too, soured; she began to resent my feminine side, said that it forced her to be masculine all the time, etc.  She tried to take away my clothes, to make a "man" out of me.  She had all kinds of theories about why I was the way I was and was certain she could "fix" me.

I broke up with her soon after, and it wasn't pretty.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you must be honest with yourself and true to who you are; if you compromise on that, your relationship will be at best an armed truce.  If she truly loves you, if she can accept all of you, things will work out.  But, in my opinion, you have to be willing to let her go in order to be true to yourself.  You also should be willing to work with her if she does try; perhaps your gender therapist can work with her as well, or refer you to someone who can work with you as a couple.

It took me nearly forty years to stand, truly, on my own feet and be true to myself.  The difference is quite amazing.  Good luck on your journey, sister. 



*edit: PS- I now am in a wonderful relationship with a lovely woman who truly wants what is best for me.  Even her children have accepted and welcomed my transition.

Quote from: Jamie de la Rosa on October 07, 2013, 03:36:24 PM
In my opinion, you need to weigh the need to be yourself with the need to be in a relationship.  I don't think that they are necessarily incompatible.  Keep open the lines of communication.   Maybe even consider having your S.O. join you in a therapy session to talk through some of the issues.

If there is still love, there may be a path to understanding.  Ignore the naysayers for the time being.

I would agree but at the same time i would not let her back you in a corner. Make sure you have some finance outside just in case. Also i would maybe just talk to a lawyer for some insite to if it does end bad how to process things.

I am saying this being my X keep leading me on by saying oh its all ok, i have no trouble with you living part time a few weekends out of the month. I also was on HRT for 5 years (she knew all about it) and it came down to one day all hell broke loose. I never had a clue it would end so nasty. In 1 weeks time i got slapped with a restraining order (no access to house, cars or anything of my life), spouse support order and a notice of divorce, frozen and emptied bank accounts on top of all this she went to my boss and outted me. Got canned. . It ended real fast and bad, i just was lucky in the fact i had a little money in a old account she had no control over. Also my parents helpd out much they could.

Not to say anything like that would ever happen, just never keep your eggs in one basket, plan for the worst and hope for the best when it comes to spouses. I found later that my X was taking clues from friends to keep the hatered alive.

Good luck and hope you find a way past all this. It is one thing that almost killed me but i made it. Oh and for my X what goes around comes around. She to this day is still so pissed at me being i have passed everything she said i would fail at.

Izzy

Going through similar thing right now. My wife will not stay married long term if I transition. We have been together 31 years and love each other.  She asked me if she grew a beard and took testosterone would I like it or stay with her.. and the answer was no..
My wife too said I am perfect the way I am.. look like one of the actors on NCIS and so handsome..and thinks I will ruin my life.

The dysphoria is bad.. I try to fight it.. at times decide no.. I wont do it.. and a few hours or even moments later there I am again.. the girl inside wanting out.. it sucks.
I am working on for the next 4 weeks trying to resolve and just be me as I am and not transition.. but I get my letter for HRT October 31st.. If I had the E now I would take it.. could not refuse the pill...
Good luck on your decision.. the process should not be rushed...take time and really think it through.. therapy very important.
Carrie

I appreciate all your replies. See, in the past, she was hurt by several women. She had a girl she wanted to marry, who ended up leaving before she could propose. Her mother was cruel, an ex girlfriend of hers was cruel (cracked her teeth, and broke her ankle. used to rip her hair out too), and over her life, she's just decided that no matter how attractive women are to her, she just can't trust them... And now I'm becoming one.

So here's what we've compromised: She wants 3 kids. We have 1 (not my biological, but I love him just as much), and we are working on another one. She would like 3, but I'm almost 30 now, and I want to at least go on blockers. If I can't get it up while on blockers, then I'll go off till she gets pregnant. If she can't get pregnant by the time I turn 29, then I am making the decision to continue HRT and start living full time. I won't go past 30.

I feel like I've been stalled with this agreement, but at the same time, we both did want more kids, and to have a child together between the two of us that we can call both of ours, as well as our current child's brother. She has done things with me sexually that she would normally do to girls, to see if she could get used to the whole thing again. She is legitimately trying, I'll give her that. She is just afraid of the ultimate result of being married to the thing she fears most.

Fane,

I have been in your situation several times. I so wanted a close sister or woman to woman friendship type relationship however it just never worked out.

My only suggestion is to enjoy your life. Start HRT. Perhaps your partner will understand & change however it is very unlikely from my experience.

Good luck.

I don't know what exactly I can say on the issue here; but, I hope you will still be able to transition and keep your marriage intact. My wife has been Bianca to my Dante in my journey into womanhood and I wish every transgendered person would never have to make the sacrifice of fulfillment or love. I sincerely hope you are one of the fortunate few that doesn't and that I can remain in that coveted category for my foreseeable future.

In my limited insight I would say time seems to have been my friend. Slowly she has come to terms with the fact I'm the same person she loves whether I'm male or female. The only reason for delay at this point is paying for cryopreservation of sperm for the children we both still want (waiting for the endo's insight on the subject).

Bona fortuna amicae, and may love be with you all the way!

Quote from: WFane on October 08, 2013, 04:30:06 PM
I appreciate all your replies. See, in the past, she was hurt by several women. She had a girl she wanted to marry, who ended up leaving before she could propose. Her mother was cruel, an ex girlfriend of hers was cruel (cracked her teeth, and broke her ankle. used to rip her hair out too), and over her life, she's just decided that no matter how attractive women are to her, she just can't trust them... And now I'm becoming one.

While I'm sorry for her pain, I think her past with women is more of a plus than a minus. At least she has loved and been attracted to women in the past. That gives you something to work with.

I would approach it like anything else in any of my relationships.  If they knew about it going in, and/or it's an essential part of my identity and/or personality, they have no say in it.  If they love me, they'll love and support ME and whatever I do to be happy with MY life.  If they have a problem with me doing what I need to do, then it's THEIR problem.  If they leave me over something I do for myself without hurting them, good riddance.  Many times, it leads to a breakup, but I'm better off without somebody who wouldn't allow me to be myself.

I am fully prepared to lose my son and wife. I've told her that if she ever wants to leave the relationship, or even turn the relationship poly, all she has to do is say something. She knew going in, and she still knows. I feel that she only wants to keep me because she doesn't want to start over with anyone else. I believe she also doesn't trust anyone else with oir kid.

Regardless, I need her to make a decision. She has had plenty of time, and now she is slowing me down. I'm not getting any younger...

I'm in pretty much the same boat, except been on HRT for six months.
At first my wife said to do what I had to do, and what made me happy. I had already been living full time for about a year, so it wasn't the appearance. Within about three months she  said she felt she was losing me. Not physically, just the man she married was going away. This was kind of the point!
She said that what I was (what was I?) (maybe a really gung ho crossdresser?)before was easier to understand. On HRT, I wasn't just a guy in a dress anymore.
May marriage is holding on by a thread. If I had to guess, I'd say we'll stay together, but barely. We sleep in separate rooms, and act like room mates. Suprisingly, it works quite well.
I would say it would take a REALLY special person to not only accept transition, but to stay in love through it. I hope it works out for you, cause it's an uphill battle.