My boyfriend tells me all the time that he is always proud to be seen with me and he is as good as he says; he takes me anywhere proudly.

I love that man. ^____^

I don't think I would have the mental strength or the desire, to be with someone who was ashamed of me beyond the 'getting my head around how to handle this with friends and family' stage.

Good luck, whatever you choose! :-)

Akira x

Quote from: Cindy on October 07, 2013, 07:31:40 AM
I'll wade in (for a change )

Men are just as insecure as you/we are, they need to know the boundaries to treat us in. We need to know their insecurities and help them. If they are losers it may not be possible and we ditch them. Or them us BTW.

A relationship doesn't just happen, we work at them.

Recently, my BF asked me to dinner with his Mum. I was nervous, I asked him if she knew about me, he said yes. That made me even more nervous. We hit it off fantastically. She never mentioned me being trans, she seemed oblivious of the fact. She was delightful.

Afterwards I asked him why he had told her that I was a transgender; as I was ready to inflict physical damage to part of his anatomy that he seems to like a lot. He replied innocently that he hadn't, he said that he had told her that he really liked me.

Men are strange creatures.

So are women.

That's just a really awesome story!! He tricked you, and in such a good way (or maybe you tricked yourself? ). It sounds like she'd be fine with it anyway.

I don't know if I'll end up as lucky... I don't even know what I want in terms of this stuff... all I know is that I'm keeping cool about stuff like this for a long time, yet! (I'm not quite separated/divorced yet - probably in 6-12 months, though ).

I'm all about short replies today, apparently.

I wouldn't accept anyone like that, man or woman, for a moment. I've been with a number of guys and none of them would blink twice about introducing me to their family. I wouldn't date a guy who didn't have enough self-confidence to actually 'be' with me. I'm a great girlfriend and know my own worth. If a guy doesn't live up to that? GTFO.

Standards, ladies. Get some.

Protip: having higher standards and the self-confidence to pull them off gets the good ones, no matter which team you're playing on.

Drop that zero and find your hero.

If a man doesn't have the courage to be open about who he's dating than he's not worth your time.

Quote from: Kelly the Post-Trans-Rebel on October 07, 2013, 01:33:38 AM
I wouldn't date someone that was ashamed to be seen with me..

^------

Am dating a guy who doesn't care and its the only way I will have it.  He sees me as a woman (and I am already in stealth around him ).

We just don't go around his mother, due to her being homophobic and not wanting to add drama

I guess I have a different opinion but I would agree with my boyfriend. I don't want his family or friends to know because it's not their business. If I can pass without any questions asked from the people he knows, then what's the problem? You're his girlfriend and that's all they need to know.

Quote from: Magnolia88 on October 07, 2013, 12:09:10 PM
I guess I have a different opinion but I would agree with my boyfriend. I don't want his family or friends to know because it's not their business. If I can pass without any questions asked from the people he knows, then what's the problem? You're his girlfriend and that's all they need to know.

I think the issue isn't related to outing yourself, its to do with people being ashamed to be with you if/incase they can tell your trans.

Quote from: Akira21 ♡♡♡ on October 07, 2013, 12:14:59 PM
I think the issue isn't related to outing yourself, its to do with people being ashamed to be with you if/incase they can tell your trans.

This still doesn't completely make sense to me.

If they're ashamed about you, then yes... get rid of them.

If they're having a difficult time telling their family, maybe you need to remember when you first came out. It's not an easy thing to do. It takes time. They may need help doing it. If you kick that guy to the curb it just plays into the fact that the sensitive guy finishes last (or in my case the sensitive guy got married, had kids, and came out trans years later... but who's keeping score).

Quote from: kabit on October 07, 2013, 12:27:04 PM
This still doesn't completely make sense to me.

If they're ashamed about you, then yes... get rid of them.

If they're having a difficult time telling their family, maybe you need to remember when you first came out. It's not an easy thing to do. It takes time. They may need help doing it. If you kick that guy to the curb it just plays into the fact that the sensitive guy finishes last (or in my case the sensitive guy got married, had kids, and came out trans years later... but who's keeping score).

What doesn't make sense? They are ashamed of people knowing they are dating a transsexual woman. It has nothing to do with having trouble telling anyone they just don't want anyone to know because they don't want to get made fun of.  They want their trans girl but they want a "discreet" relationship because they don't want anyone to know about it.

No way in hell would I be someone's "dirty little secret."  I'd rather stay by myself as I have for so many years. I may not have much self esteem, but I've still got a little...

I've been the dirty secret,at first I wondered why I only saw Richie for a week every month then I found out that it was when his" real girlfriend "was having her period.I'm a magnet for dirtbags!

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on October 07, 2013, 03:37:57 PM
What doesn't make sense? They are ashamed of people knowing they are dating a transsexual woman. It has nothing to do with having trouble telling anyone they just don't want anyone to know because they don't want to get made fun of.  They want their trans girl but they want a "discreet" relationship because they don't want anyone to know about it.

I don't think you read my post? Just the first line?
Shame and fear are not the same thing. I agree with anyone who says to leave the people shamed by you... but I don't see much difference between them telling their parents their girl is trans and us coming out to our parents in the first place. Some had that easy... mine are probably not talking to me for the long term at this point -- which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to see them often.

Shamed? No... I'm not ashamed. Yet it's still the hardest thing I've ever done. I imagine it's nearly the same for most men and women dating a trans* person.

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know how I'd find out... I'm a long way off from any new love But I'd hate to put my faith in someone just to spurn that relationship because they wouldn't come out about their girlfriend on demand.

Quote from: kabit on October 07, 2013, 04:03:48 PM
I don't think you read my post? Just the first line?
Shame and fear are not the same thing. I agree with anyone who says to leave the people shamed by you... but I don't see much difference between them telling their parents their girl is trans and us coming out to our parents in the first place. Some had that easy... mine are probably not talking to me for the long term at this point -- which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to see them often.

Shamed? No... I'm not ashamed. Yet it's still the hardest thing I've ever done. I imagine it's nearly the same for most men and women dating a trans* person.

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know how I'd find out... I'm a long way off from any new love But I'd hate to put my faith in someone just to spurn that relationship because they wouldn't come out about their girlfriend on demand.

Ya I don't think you are getting the point being made.

Quote from: kabit on October 07, 2013, 04:03:48 PM
Shame and fear are not the same thing. I agree with anyone who says to leave the people shamed by you... but I don't see much difference between them telling their parents their girl is trans and us coming out to our parents in the first place. Some had that easy... mine are probably not talking to me for the long term at this point -- which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to see them often.

Yes that's it. I also am very understanding about this... I guess it does not even make me feel dissapointed about my bf... perhaps more so about being trans. Because I can't change that for him or make it any easier.

If I was comfortable enough being out, then I'd expect my partner to not be ashamed of afraid to be seen with a trans person. But since I'm hoping to be stealth...I'd want that person to respect that and not tell anyone unless I knew in advance. So I wonder if the whole shame/fear thing applies to people who strive to be 100% stealth. I guess, if push came to shove and I was outed, I'd want them to have my back. Obviously in my case it would be a gf and not a bf, but you get the picture.

The point is, if they want a serious relationship they can't expect to *never* tell them about you can they? So in effect its a statement that they are not serious.

Quote from: Marina mtf on October 07, 2013, 06:45:00 AM


hey girls, I am 40 and believe me I plan to transition also because I think I deserve a real love story.

It's pointless (for me) to modify my body for myself only. My Disphoria is also related to the relationship field,
I want a man to fall in love with me but a hetero man, not a gay man (I have not against gay, but they
would love my male part, which I hate).

But...

... but I understand the problem here. In the initial part of transition, if I am not passable I may tolerate
some kind of discretion. But later not.

I am your gf, period. So I want to be treated like all the other gfs you had, cis or not.

Ditto ... but 49.

Quote from: Akira21 ♡♡♡ on October 07, 2013, 06:17:51 PM
The point is, if they want a serious relationship they can't expect to *never* tell them about you can they? So in effect its a statement that they are not serious.

Sometimes I think a lot of transwoman (and men) make the mistake to dream about going stealth... because allthough it might have advantages.... it has a lot of disadvantages... Also a lot of transwoman seem to think they are stealth, when they are not. Stealth means that nobody will notice. Nobody. That includes other transwoman and people with a 6th sense. Of course when you transition very young...it can be possible...
The disadvantages: When people DO find out when they are already close friends with you, it might hurt them and they might feel betrayed (huge disadvantage).  Also I have noticed that I personally feel the need to define myself as I am... and that is not only just a woman....I define myself also with the struggles I went through...its part of what I have become. Also I want to be proud of who and what I am and be open about that.

Sibila I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have good news for you. There are men that will love and accept you completely. I met a wonderful guy only 2 mos ago who accepts me for who I am completely. Even though I'm not 24/7 yet he's vowed to support me through my transition and everything. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy all the time even when I don't feel that way. He told me we'd be a couple before I ever established that I even liked him lol. And as naive as it sounds I believe him. We've talked about many issues that could arise and he's 10000% on board. He found me after being in a similar situation as you. I was in love with a guy for 6 yrs who never took me anywhere. No movies, dinner, walks, nothing. I knew his sister, mom, niece & nephew, best friend, He knew my mom and friends and everyone was cool with our relationship. The fact that I'm 95% passable didn't make a bit of difference. In the end I left him because it was his issue to deal with not mine. I've been single for the past 5yrs and now a wonderful man just walked into my life.

Don't put up with any man who isn't 100% comfortable with you being trans, trust me I've been there and I have the tear stains amd 6 wasted yrs to prove it. You deserve to be respected and not treated as some secret. Believe me there are lots of good men out here who will accept and respect you. Don't settle for less. This just gives them permission to take advantage of you and the next girl. Keep you're head up and keep you're options open He'll find you too.

Quote from: Sibila on October 07, 2013, 07:57:48 PM
The disadvantages: When people DO find out when they are already close friends with you, it might hurt them and they might feel betrayed (huge disadvantage).  Also I have noticed that I personally feel the need to define myself as I am... and that is not only just a woman....I define myself also with the struggles I went through...its part of what I have become. Also I want to be proud of who and what I am and be open about that.

Other disadvantages are I've found are
1: Backstory Weirdness.
You have to redact your personal story. To avoid all references to your male self and that often involves not talking about anything on a huge array of topics. "Why were you depressed as a teenager" "Why did your mother not talk to you for a year. did you do something really bad?" "You said you went to the hospital yesterday I hope everything is alright." "Oh what will you need surgery for?" ect It's a minefield. And what you left with it surprisingly little.

It's stressful really quite stressful and it gets harder the closer you get to people in stealth life. because they might tell you really personal details that might well have required them to suffer stigma, and you want to say "Yeah I know what it's like" but you've got to censor yourself.