Hi Ciara,

I think so many of us can relate to exactly where you are right now.  I'm not too much further down the road than you are but I agree that taking some steps has been helpful in dealing.  First I came clean with my (then girlfriend now) wife.  I then began seeing a therapist which has been tremendously helpful.  I even went to a group meeting last week which is something I never thought I would be able to do.  All of this has been helpful.  I would strongly advise seeing a therapist as a first step.  I assure you that you have no idea just how many ways your keeping this entirely bottled up inside is impacting the rest of your life.  Wishing you peace and fewer tears.  I've been there, I've shed them and I am sure I will shed many more along the way.  I thank everyone here for giving me the strength to take one small step forward each and every day.  I thank my therapist for helping me to see where I can take bigger steps I didn't think I would ever be able to take.

Xoxo,
Terri

Might I suggest some small victories to savour? Next time you have to leave Ciara again don't leave her completely, before I made my changes publicly visible I used to make sure my toenails were fabulously painted and my legs and bumbum were clad in some lovely lycra and girly undies. Ok, you might have to be a little careful but you will feel like you are beating the system that is keeping you down every time you manage it. By the time I made my public transition I no longer owned any male undies or socks.

Alex

Quote from: alexjrogers on September 27, 2013, 06:50:47 AM
Might I suggest some small victories to savour? Next time you have to leave Ciara again don't leave her completely, before I made my changes publicly visible I used to make sure my toenails were fabulously painted and my legs and bumbum were clad in some lovely lycra and girly undies. Ok, you might have to be a little careful but you will feel like you are beating the system that is keeping you down every time you manage it. By the time I made my public transition I no longer owned any male undies or socks.

Alex

Now that sounds like a plan. Thank you Alex, I will definitely consider that in future.
You are right. I should not try to leave her completely, but should hold on to part of her all the time.
Thank you,
Ciara

Everybody,
I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and support you have all shown me. I have been through a difficult period but have made it out the other side safely with your support, love and kindness.
I will love you all forever.
Ciara.

::HUGS::

It's frustrating to finally know who you are, and accept it, but not be able to express it. Right now, I can't even afford or even find clothing to help me start transitioning visibly. Almost all my friends know and some of my family. I'm pretty much "out" to everyone. But I can't do anything about it.

::HUGS::

It sucks. But I hope that we both someday find ways of expressing ourselves for the world to see and know and accept.


MJ

Quote from: Ciara on September 27, 2013, 07:20:54 AM
Everybody,
I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and support you have all shown me. I have been through a difficult period but have made it out the other side safely with your support, love and kindness.
I will love you all forever.
Ciara.

Its our pleasure sweetie xx

Hey Ciara,

How's it going?  I'm hoping you are okay.

BIG HUG Ciara!! Hey baby, just think of it as putting on male camouflage for safety or security. You are a woman and sometimes we have to do what we do to protect ourselves. Anytime you need me I will be here. DO NOT ever give up who you are inside, that is no way to live and will cause untold anguish. Lean on me and the others here and you will have the strength you need to go on. I am like you as far as feeling, concerns and fears. I just lost a 16 year marriage, kids and all the other things we risk losing. For me it was worth it so I could spend time on just me. I am on HRT now and will eventually get SRS not because it makes sense, but because I have to be who I am outside to match my inside. If you have to remain male on the outside for whatever reason, NEVER, deny or "kill" what you are on the inside. Feel free to PM me if you ever need a shoulder.

Quote from: learningtolive on October 04, 2013, 08:57:23 AM
Hey Ciara,

How's it going?  I'm hoping you are okay.

Hi LTL,
Its lovely to hear from you. I am okay now. I went through a bad spell, I had some serious problems at work and while trying to deal with that, my wifes father passed away. He was a good friend and his passing left a void. I had a lot of trouble getting back to the male pretence as my dysphoria was more severe than I had ever known. It was probably stress. I'm okay now.
Thank you for your support.
Ciara.

Hi Ciara. I'm new here. Maybe it's already known, but why are you in the closet? Being yourself obviously means the world to you, as it should. People are open-minded. Being transgender is no longer stigmatized, I don't think. I've been coming out to my friends, and they've all been nothing but supportive. I came out to my mom, too. She's struggling with it, but she keeps reassuring me that she loves me no matter what.

You have to be you. By staying in the closet, you're doing yourself a disservice. What are you trying to gain by hiding your true self? Are you trying to impress people who don't respect you? Are you trying to look "normal" in the eyes of people who aren't worth your time?

If you don't want to flat-out come out of the closet yet, you could do things like wearing nail polish in daily life. Pick a girl thing to bring out nonchalantly. It doesn't necessarily show that you're trans; it's just something you like.

As an anonymous person over the internet, I'm totally rooting for you, Ciara!

Quote from: Ciara on October 04, 2013, 08:13:17 PM
Hi LTL,
Its lovely to hear from you. I am okay now. I went through a bad spell, I had some serious problems at work and while trying to deal with that, my wifes father passed away. He was a good friend and his passing left a void. I had a lot of trouble getting back to the male pretence as my dysphoria was more severe than I had ever known. It was probably stress. I'm okay now.
Thank you for your support.
Ciara.

I'm sorry you went through such a rough patch, but glad to hear you're better.  May I ask, do you think there is a way for you to address your dysphoria?  I realize you are in the closet and don't want your wife to know.  That's totally understandable, and I don't want to push anything on you that is uncomfortable.  But short of transitioning or coming out, do you think you could find peaceful ways to resolve some of the dysphoria?  What are some things you wish you could or ways that you'd like to address the feelings?

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 04, 2013, 09:01:15 AM
BIG HUG Ciara!! Hey baby, just think of it as putting on male camouflage for safety or security. You are a woman and sometimes we have to do what we do to protect ourselves. Anytime you need me I will be here. DO NOT ever give up who you are inside......

Hi Jessica,
Thank you so much for being there. You can be sure that I will NEVER give on who I am. I love being a girl and I could have no self confidence or self respect unless i believe in myself. I will never give up on the girl inside. I will never give up on Ciara.
Thank you for caring.
Ciara

Quote from: learningtolive on October 05, 2013, 12:20:47 PM
I'm sorry you went through such a rough patch, but glad to hear you're better.  May I ask, do you think there is a way for you to address your dysphoria?  I realize you are in the closet and don't want your wife to know.  That's totally understandable, and I don't want to push anything on you that is uncomfortable.  But short of transitioning or coming out, do you think you could find peaceful ways to resolve some of the dysphoria?  What are some things you wish you could or ways that you'd like to address the feelings?

Hi LTL,
Most of the time my dysphoria is okay. Acceptance and love of the woman I am is usually enough, but sometimes when under stress i may need a little more. At times like that I may wear something feminine if possible like jewellery, perfume or discreet clothing. I'll also plan some time to have some girlie time so I have something to look forward to. I also find it helps to go walking alone and let Ciara have time to herself.
Right now I am alone at home, I'm in male dress but I am absolutely a girl and that makes me feel okay.
Thank you as always for caring.
Ciara.

Quote from: Ciara on October 06, 2013, 09:13:43 AM
Hi LTL,
Most of the time my dysphoria is okay. Acceptance and love of the woman I am is usually enough, but sometimes when under stress i may need a little more. At times like that I may wear something feminine if possible like jewellery, perfume or discreet clothing. I'll also plan some time to have some girlie time so I have something to look forward to. I also find it helps to go walking alone and let Ciara have time to herself.
Right now I am alone at home, I'm in male dress but I am absolutely a girl and that makes me feel okay.
Thank you as always for caring.
Ciara.

Have you thought about therapy?  Maybe it will help you with coping a bit more?  At the very least, talking to people and understanding our triggers better can do a lot of good and help us deal with the hard times when they appear. 

Also, I think it should be noted, that you talk about Ciara, as though this person was somebody outside of you -- a person you long to visit -- when in fact, Ciara IS you! There's no leaving her behind, because she and you are one in the same. Male or female, you are YOU. It's just obvious to you and apparent to the rest of us, that you're supposed to be female.

PS: I hate mice.

Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on October 07, 2013, 10:32:14 PM
Also, I think it should be noted, that you talk about Ciara, as though this person was somebody outside of you -- a person you long to visit -- when in fact, Ciara IS you! There's no leaving her behind, because she and you are one in the same. Male or female, you are YOU. It's just obvious to you and apparent to the rest of us, that you're supposed to be female.

PS: I hate mice.

I know that Ciara is me and I do love that. I also know that I speak in the third person sometimes and that is my mechanism of coping with the fact that I must live and present as a man.
You mentioned in your earlier reply that transgender is no longer stigmatised. I only wish that was true for middle aged married fathers in small towns in Ireland - unfortunately there is little acceptance here.
Thank you for your kind support.  I have no doubt that I am and always will be female.....that is what I treasure most.
By the way, I don't understand your reference to mice!!!

The mice thing has nothing to do with the topic at hand; as I was typing, I could hear them running in the drop ceiling above my head.