I need some help, i am out to no one and live in a bad place to be trans, but a a week or so ago the councilor at my school got replaced with a much nice one that so far has not shown any of the hatred i have around me, i think i want to come out to her since shes a professional but i don't know how it'd would go at all.

I am starting to think about death more and more as my body grows sicker, i reconize i need real life help but have no idea where to turn.

Any help would be great.

*hugs tight*

First, big hugs hun. These feelings are hard to overcome but you can do it. Second write her a coming out letter and spill the beans so to speak. Tell her everything and don't hold back. Let me tell you that after I wrote mine yesterday/this morning a lot of my angst and agony over these feelings went away. Just being able to reassure yourself that yes this IS the path in life that you want to go down will help ease your current pain and the uneasiness of everything going on around you. If you feel that you can't personally hand her a letter or tell her in person then try emailing her the letter as a random person. Now that I wrote my letter I really can't wait for Wednesday to come when I get to meet my therapist for the first time and show it to her and just talk things out. You can do it girl!

Quote from: Xhianil on October 07, 2013, 05:07:39 PM
I need some help, i am out to no one and live in a bad place to be trans, but a a week or so ago the councilor at my school got replaced with a much nice one that so far has not shown any of the hatred i have around me, i think i want to come out to her since shes a professional but i don't know how it'd would go at all.

I am starting to think about death more and more as my body grows sicker, i reconize i need real life help but have no idea where to turn.

Any help would be great.

Hey Xhianil,

First, don't think about death.  While you are currently going through very tough times, they can one day be a distant memory in a bright future.  There is no reason to rob yourself of that opportunity.  I understand why these feelings exist, I have them myself from time to time, but realize why they aren't proper and how you can make things better.

As for the counselor, if you want to talk to her and feel comfortable, go ahead.  If you feel a little uneasy about coming out, perhaps you could discuss other issues first?  For example, you could address the depression and isolation you feel before telling her your trans.   Maybe get a feel for her first?  I'm not suggesting you hold off telling her your trans, but I do think it's important to discuss your depression with someone.

Good luck!  I hope it goes well.

I can't write a letter, I'm not so good at trying to put down words sometimes. there also may be some legal issues if i tell her about my depression and thoughts.

I don't want to think about killing myself, but everyday i walk to school and reach the busy street i think how easy it'd be to step out, that theres little reason for me to be here so why not?

I have few good dealings with people since I'm alone here, i don't even know how to make small talk, let alone come out to someone.

I thought the same thing about writing a letter. I honestly haven't composed a letter since I was in high school and that was 12 years ago! But after I got down the first few words then walked away from the computer and came back more and more of what was in my mind made it to the keyboard and onto the screen until I felt like I said all I could say. Even then just putting all of that into a word file gave me a lot of closure over all of the good and bad feelings I have had about coming out and why I have to do it.

You might want to try to anonymously send the councilor an email as your coming out and maybe even create a separate email account just for this one purpose so it's not attached to you in any way other than as a digital existence. Just getting the olive branch out there can make a huge difference.

Quote from: Xhianil on October 08, 2013, 12:52:12 AM
I don't want to think about killing myself, but everyday i walk to school and reach the busy street i think how easy it'd be to step out, that theres little reason for me to be here so why not?

I can tell you why not. It's because the real you wants to live and experience life. Right now is a hard time but those come and go. We all have these thoughts, I know I have too at a few points where I really felt like I could just happily let everything go and end it but every time I'd get remotely even close to doing something drastic Megan would pipe up and give me a talking to.

I can't write at all, i can't ever put down my thoughts, after a life of repressing them they are now hard to express, and even with regular writing its hard, tell me to write a essay and I'll be staring at a paper till the end of time.

IP addresses can be tracked very easily, i know from experence.

The real me is scared, shy and lonely, never feeling much love from anyone.

One way is to ask for a meeting and just say that you are having problems with life and that you need to talk to someone.

Let her take it from there. That is what good counselors are trained for.

There are worse things than death and walking in front of a truck may not kill you but leave you with a shattered body unable to do anything.

At the moment things look and feel dismal and it is very hard to accept that life can get better.

I do know that.

My school life resulted in a terrible event that very nearly destroyed everything that made me human. I could not see anyway to keep going to school where the people who attacked me where there every day and they took fun in telling me what they had done to me.

My life was not worth living ..... but it was, very much so.

So is yours Honey, so is yours.

You can always pm me if you need someone to talk to. You are not alone now.

Cindy

Quote from: Xhianil on October 08, 2013, 01:38:22 AM
I can't write at all, i can't ever put down my thoughts, after a life of repressing them they are now hard to express, and even with regular writing its hard, tell me to write a essay and I'll be staring at a paper till the end of time.

IP addresses can be tracked very easily, i know from experence.

The real me is scared, shy and lonely, never feeling much love from anyone.

Even if it's only just for yourself start writing the letter that will stretch out to the end of time. Just getting those emotions, experiences, self doubts, worries and discomforts out from being bottled up from within will bring some ease to you when you aren't ready to reach out to a person in real life yet. That's something I wish I'd have know earlier when I was so miserable. We will never judge you over what you have to say about yourself if you want to post it here or in pm's.

You sound exactly like the old me before I made the first real step after years and years of hiding it from everyone. I would make up every excuse in the book not to address my feelings on the outside. I would say all of the same things and all it did to me in the end was hurt myself from it. I'm scared, shy and lonely, I have loving people around me yet I feel all alone because they don't know the real me. I haven't been in a situation where I've faced outright hatred since I was in school. But I feel all alone because I haven't reached out to another human being in person yet and now it's time to do it. That first step is so hard and it looks so high up there but you gotta give it your best shot. We are humans and we are social creatures, we need to have contact with other people and even as difficult it is sometimes we just have to jump into the deep end of the pool and start treading water without knowing how to swim.

Big hugs

Quote from: Cindy on October 08, 2013, 02:25:23 AM
One way is to ask for a meeting and just say that you are having problems with life and that you need to talk to someone.

Let her take it from there. That is what good counselors are trained for.

There are worse things than death and walking in front of a truck may not kill you but leave you with a shattered body unable to do anything.

At the moment things look and feel dismal and it is very hard to accept that life can get better.

I do know that.

My school life resulted in a terrible event that very nearly destroyed everything that made me human. I could not see anyway to keep going to school where the people who attacked me where there every day and they took fun in telling me what they had done to me.

My life was not worth living ..... but it was, very much so.

So is yours Honey, so is yours.

You can always pm me if you need someone to talk to. You are not alone now.

Cindy

This is such great advice and hope you consider it.  You don't need to come out or write a letter.  Nor do you have to share more than you want with the therapist or anyone here.  Just ask her if she is willing to talk.  You can share what you want and wait with disclosing you are trans until you feel comfortable.  At least, you will be getting some help and facing the depression and self-confidence issues that are plaguing you. 

Hugs to you first. I hope that the new therapists will be able to let you open up. If you talk about feelings you have. You don't have to talk about death or anyrhing. You just need an outlet. I don't think letters will work because your still keeping it to yourself. Is there any chance a friend could help you. But I have no resources in the friends department to vent out.

Quote from: izzy on October 08, 2013, 01:19:37 PM
Hugs to you first. I hope that the new therapists will be able to let you open up. If you talk about feelings you have. You don't have to talk about death or anyrhing. You just need an outlet. I don't think letters will work because your still keeping it to yourself. Is there any chance a friend could help you. But I have no resources in the friends department to vent out.

It's not a therapist, it's a councilor.

I can't write down a single word, at all...

I am very much friendless offline...

I have nobody offline too. I wish I could offer you some hope to vent out your feelings. Its difficult. For the most part I am in a bad relationship with my mom. She said its queer what I am doing and I am strange and scary to her.

Quote from: Xhianil on October 08, 2013, 01:38:22 AM
I can't write at all, i can't ever put down my thoughts, after a life of repressing them they are now hard to express, and even with regular writing its hard, tell me to write a essay and I'll be staring at a paper till the end of time.

Sweetie, you're already doing it. Here.

The trick is to not think of it as a letter, or an essay.

Imagine you were writing to someone here. Heck, even use this thread. It doesn't have to be long, or wordy (like my rambling nonsense, lol). Just a few words to start with, like the trickle of a river, to say how you feel about yourself. Maybe we can all help you work out how to say what you want to say. And you don't even have to show it to anyone if you don't want to. Just think of it as a way to... get things clear in your own mind about what you would tell someone if you were going to.

Small steps, hon. One at a time. *hugs*

And remember, courage isn't an absence of fear. Courage is mastery of it.

You'll get there, I believe in you, even if you're in a place where you don't believe in yourself. You've already come so far in expressing yourself, you have lots to be proud of. Keep going.

Figured you guys deserve a update, basically i talked to her anonymously and it failed, no councilor help for me, yay...