Hi everyone! I hope most of you by now know me as the eternal cheerleader and optimist. I try to be upbeat and support all of my brothers and sisters that belong to this family. One of my key attributes is the ability to tell the truth in good times and bad. Being said, I want to tell you about a recent issue I had with myself. Saturday night I went to a get together of medics I had worked with in the city for a long time. I went as "Jessica" to this party, one of her second outings, and really caused a stir both good and bad. Some of the medics there left and some stayed when I arrived and dropped the hydrogen bomb. After things settled down a little and the alcohol flowed, none for me, but thankfully plenty for them, I had a good time and felt really relaxed. The problem started the next day. I woke up feeling very good and proud of myself for getting on track in such a big way. I made my way into the bathroom and as soon as I saw my male reflection in the mirror I threw up. I started to shake and cry and threw up again. I wrote my BFF, Gina, for a shoulder to cry and vent on. Her reply helped, but I spent most of the day in bed crying all curled up. As I lay in bed I thought of how long the "T" had been in me and the damage it did to my exterior. I felt I would never be even close to the goals I had for myself in relation to transition and almost gave up. Maybe it is the "E" and "Spiro" in me now that gave me these emotions and made me vulnerable, I don't know. I started to think of my new family here and how I did not want to let any of you or myself down and doubt myself. So, I got out of bed and made a promise to myself that I would start this topic to show everyone that we all lose faith and direction at one time or another. I started to feel a lot better the more I typed. I want everyone on this forum to know that no matter how strong we are, it is OK to feel bad as long as we do not stay there long. It was the thought of all of you that gave me the strength to get up, look into the mirror again and get it together. My purpose with this is to reinforce the positives we have and that even the strongest of us with great esteem do have moments of doubt. So all of you out there struggling, I understand and I have the same feelings and sometimes doubts you do, so you are not weak, you are human and as long as we all stick together, we will complete our goals and be who we want. I love all of you here and wish the best for all of you. If you get knocked down, rub some dirt in it and get back up as I did.

This is not an easy journey!

I don't think there is a moment that you can be comfortable until the 'self' kicks in. No matter how we try 'he' is there in either a physical appearance, a gesture, a vocal change, a memory.

We accept the compliments and acceptance from friends and colleagues and think over the comment of how courageous or brave or strong they say we are. Every such compliment can also be held as a insult of not accepting ourselves for the women (or men) that we are.

We are the only ones who know that pain and we can never explain it to even our most loving supporters of what it means. It is meaningless unless you are transgender.

Then the glance in the mirror and he is there again, the comforting bath and male organs float to kill our self esteem.
But there will be a time when you look in the mirror and Jessica is there, and he has gone.

It, for me, was an odd and unexpected surprise. I came back from the hairdresser and looked in the mirror liking what I saw. I sat down with a drink and suddenly realised that he was dead.

I was shocked. He had gone and he has never come back. I was Cindy - as you will be Jessica.

It changed my life, he was no longer in the mirror, he was no longer in the shower, he is no longer.

He has not been missed. I do love him for trying to protect me. But it was time for him to leave and he went with grace.

I don't know when this happens for each of us, but it happens.

I am a completely different woman to the one that was here when he was sharing my life.

Look forward to it and revel in the knowledge that today you are closer to her than you were yesterday.

I wish I could take your pain away and throw it like confetti, I cannot, but you will.

And remember that you and I are very lucky women, we don't walk this path alone. We walk hand in hand with our sisters.

My love to you my sister

Cindy

Thanks Cindy! The best news we have is when we kill him.....No trial!!!

Jessica,
I understand how you feel. I've been having feelings just like that too lately. I'm still pretty young but every time I see my naked body before the mirror I'm filled with so much disgust. I don't have any words of future encouragement since I'm still in the pre everything stage but what I have seen is that with some luck the E will help erase what a lot of the T did being in you for so long.

Big hugs

Thanks Megan! Have a great day.

Jessica, my love, that's a very strong post you've written with a lot of conviction. 
I am glad that I was there for you in your weakest moment, but I knew that you could pull yourself through it and come out on top! Go girl!  I'm very proud of you! ]

Thanks my dear sister and BFF!  I just felt everyone needed to know the strong have weak moments as well as they do. 

Big hug! Sharing our experiences helps everyone, doesn't it?

 "If you get knocked down, rub some dirt in it and get back up as I did."

Amen to that!  Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Devlyn! Ever in Oklahoma holler! 

Oh my dear, dear Jessica Merriman, here is a BIG HUG from me. I am so sorry to hear that you were so low, especially after your success the previous evening. I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share with you.
I know how it is to go suddenly from a high to a low. When it happened to me recently you were there for me with your love, your kindness and your support. I know that pain, I also have shed those tears.
I too am here for you my dear sister.
With all my love,
Ciara.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 08, 2013, 08:01:26 AM
Big hug! Sharing our experiences helps everyone, doesn't it?

  "If you get knocked down, rub some dirt in it and get back up as I did."

Amen to that!  Hugs, Devlyn

Very good point there Devlyn. It only makes us stronger by being able to share our problems. 

Thank you Jessica.  I also like to think of myself as resilient and optimistic and then there are days when I still see "him" in the mirror.  When I first came out full-time the only mirror that worked was the blurred reflection from sliding glass doors.  I am feeling much better now and appreciate your acknowledgement of telling the truth.  Yes, that truth does include days when we are heartsick and blue.
You are an inspiration girl and your truth does not let us down, it makes you even more real.

Big warm hugs

For what it's worth, Jess, in the short time I've known you, I feel you embody a lot of traits which benefit everyone here immensely. You know how to motivate, to encourage, to empathise, and to offer that most precious of things: yourself. I'm sorry you were in a place where you felt vulnerable, and in a bad place. However, it's my belief that sometimes, setting foot off the path we walk serves only to remind oneself how important that path is, and makes one all the more eager to once again set foot upon it.

I have a great deal of respect, and admiration for you. And wanted you to know that the most important reflection, that of your heart and soul, the reflection which everyone else sees, can never be anything other than beautiful, and graceful. What shines out behind the mirror of your eyes is worth more than anything. And in that... you are someone who should be treasured, and loved, and appreciated for who you are.

Doubts are human. Self-questioning, sadness and fear... all are human. But so is strength, and resolve, and tenacity. Along with the desire to move forward. To take those dark places and attempt to bring light to them.

I'm proud of you, hon. Just wanted you to know that. *hugs* The greatest strength lies in knowing the value of others' strength.

I really appreciate all of the great responses. It means a lot to me to be able to help and do things for the people who helped me out. I am tearing up a little now, but for good reasons. I love my new family here as it took me in when mine threw me out. Thanks everybody! I love every one of you. BIG HUG BACK AT YA! 

jessica, at times, I feel like I could see the girl shining through and at times, I dont see it all, just this man eating me up in the mirror. Dont despair. You are a very positive person and a light for everyone. With all the negativity, there is some positive and a light at the end of the tunnel. hugs to you

Thanks Izzy! It is appreciated my newest sister! 

*hug*

Ok, so I cried while reading your OP, Jessica... I feel that way often, though I am still pre-HRT.  I suspect I have a hormonal imbalance, given how emotional I am. 

And then Cindy made me cry with hope.  My male shell has done a great job of protecting me, my family, and my loved ones, but I can't wait until he can go away.  I'm learning and growing so much, so quickly... but I can't wait to just *be*.  It's supposed to be a long road, I'm not supposed to rush it, but forty years seems a bit too much time to spend in life's penalty box.

I'm with you in spirit, Jessica.  *hug*  Thank you for sharing this deeply personal post.  I feel a little better about my own emotional response to my body as a result.

Here's hoping, for *all* of us, that we reach that glorious day Cindy describes so well.

*hugs to all*

Wow!
as I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, from sharing very simular to your feelings and having no regard for that reflection that looks back at me from the mirror. I to hope to for the day that Jerri is the only reflection myself and others see. it has been a long road and I have long ways further to go, even past that we will always have the memory of who we were to drive us down on those off moments. Thank you for sharing this, I needed a reason to shed a few tears today, I better clean up and get back to work. xo Jerri

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 08, 2013, 01:26:48 PM
I really appreciate all of the great responses. It means a lot to me to be able to help and do things for the people who helped me out. I am tearing up a little now, but for good reasons. I love my new family here as it took me in when mine threw me out. Thanks everybody! I love every one of you. BIG HUG BACK AT YA! 

I feel exactly the same way about this place! hugs

Jessica and Cindy, hugs.

Jessica, I read your post and what you said was so very important. You went and delivered a hydrogen bomb. Some stayed and some left. These people were your peers and you stood your ground while looking at other people's eyes. You did not point out the pain from those who left but you pointed out the pain when you looked into your own eyes the next day. You are so strong and what I think you saw was the result of your identity growth. The pain was not there prior to the event but it was there after because you grew who you are.

Cindy, you pulled a cup of water out of my eyes, your account is so beautifully said. I agree no others know the pain or the freedom.