Hello.. my name is Emily, I've been lurking on this forum for the past few weeks and I'm a little nervous to be posting this.. I just joined the site (literally 5 minutes ago) and I recently came to the realization that I had been living a lie practically my entire life. I feel that by joining this site and posting, its like a mile-marker for me.. i hope that doesn't sound stupid. On the personal side, I'm a social butterfly and I'm very kind and caring and i tend to love too much sometimes lol. I enjoy being with friends and I love to talk to people... I'm actually a bit of a blabber as you will probably see in this post... Sometimes i dont know when to shut up lol. I'm a musician in the sense that I sing and play multiple instruments, as well as write songs. To me music is more than an art form or a form of expression... it speaks to me in certain ways and adds color to my emotions, it runs through me like blood, i can't live without music, its literally the closest thing to a legal drug that gives me instant gratification and relaxation... Among other things.
Backstory:
At first I felt like I was just a cross-dresser or like I was just very feminine, but after further reflection on my past and talking to other people... I came to the realization that I'm just not happy as a male... and i've been pretending to be male out of fear of being 'emasculated' or being seen as something I'm not supposed to be.. So how messed up does that sound? I've been pretending to be something I'm not so that I can hide from being who I really am... THAT sounds healthy hehe...
I'm 23 and I haven't even been to a gender therapist yet... but for some reason that I cant really explain, i just know this to be true... I can feel that this is real... and I can't begin to describe how correct I felt the first time I managed to fully dress up and behave the way I wanted to behave... now I understand why Ive always hated my body no matter how skinny or buff or muscular or attractive i got... now I understand why I've always felt like I was lost or in the wrong situation or just not being represented physically the way i do emotionally... Even my best friends (who are the only ones ive told) told me that this was OBVIOUS, but i never realized this until now... and it could very well be the reason behind my endless battle with depression over the last 15 years.. I know I might sound naive or maybe 15 years of depression sounds like nothing... but my depression has always just "subsided" and never fully gone away... and every time i began to feel it coming on... it was always the same thing.. "i dont know who I am... im unhappy with myself... i hate my body, my reputation.. i hate being me."... Im not saying that my depression is definitely based on this.. but i have a strong feeling that living in the wrong body has been the cause of it... and as I reflected on my past even MORE, i realized that over the years I was NEVER happy as male.. i just pretended to be because its what I thought was normal.. its what I thought was how its SUPPOSED to be.... and honestly... now that I know this about myself, I cant begin to describe how happy I am that there is a way to fulfill this emptiness in my life that i've always felt... for the first time in my life i feel calm... not panicking.. not anxious... not depressed... that has to mean something...
Ive always constantly strived to appear more female physically because ive always disliked my male figure... and i never asked myself why... well, now I know. Not to mention that when I was able to dress up fully for the first time, i spent time with my best friend and for the first time i felt like i was equal to her... the moment i took my clothes off and switched back to my male appearance (out of obligation) I felt an overwhelming sadness in 2 things... 1. I had to pretend to be male again, and 2. I have to see my ugly body again.. (not saying men are ugly... just that I feel ugly for looking like one)
Once again... Im not expert and I'm new to all this still... but seeing as this is an introduction, i thought id say my story and why Im here and etc.
Now, if there is one thing that haunts me... is that im completely terrified of what comes next... simply because I'm married and live among a very old fashioned family.. I'm completely terrified.. but I only fear the uncertainty.. not the journey.. not the process.. i look FORWARD to the process with a positive feeling and attitude.. I just hope I can gain some insight or ease my nerves by finding out more and more and becoming more comfortable with it and learning to accept who I am..
Anyway, sorry if this introduction got too long or too detailed. I hope the things i've said have made some sense... they seem to all make sense when i word it in my head but when i actually put it to words on a post or on paper, i can never seem to properly explain myself.
