Great poll, K. Yet another one I couldn't resist...dang you!
Here are my answers (and some of the reasons why)...well, you asked for it...
Rejection - It is difficult enough to admit to ourselves that we are not what we were raised to be. After a lot of internal struggle, we finally come to accept that this is who and how we are. That alone is scary and takes a while to reach, and I would never have made it without the wonderful folks here at Susan's. Still, there comes a time when you have to start living as your true self and tell those around you how you really feel inside. So, you tell your best friend...then maybe a family member. We would like to think our friends and family would understand, but we can never be 100% sure, and we have heard so many stories of unacceptance that it takes a big leap to tell those closest to us. Yes, this is a very big fear in my life.
Self-success - I'll share one of my favorite quotes at the end, but I think it answers this fear with the opening lines..."Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." It is the old fear that if I do too well at something that everyone will expect me to be perfect or that I will suddenly become "the expert". It is self-doubt and feelings of self-worth (am I really that special?) that hinders me and prevents me from reaching my potential.
Financial - I have a great job that I truly enjoy (at least most of the time
). I have a fear that if I express too much of gender identity that I could lose it. No, I would not be fired because of how I looked or what I did, I would simply be added to the list of those let go during the next layoff. Things are scary enough in today's job market (and I could be laid off any time) without adding something that is out of the mainstream. So, yes, there are financial fears preventing me from being my true self at work.
Feeling Guilty - Being raised in the church (Southern Baptist) I was spoon-fed guilt from an early age. That was one of the major hurdles I had to cross in my self-acceptance. Knowing how my decisions affect those I care about, there is still an major struggle between doing what I know I have to do for me to be happy and knowing how it hurts those I care most about. In the end, I have to do what I have to do, and the guilt of hurting others is part of the price I must pay for being myself. I had the same issues when I left my wife several years ago...I know it impacted her and it impacted my son, but it was either leave or completely withdraw from life. The same thing applies here, but it still makes me feel lousy.
I hope this helps some other folks out there who are struggling. If you are going through any of these and want to talk to someone who is as lost as you are, drop me a line.
.......Laurry
Quote
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson
A Return to Love (1992), Chapter 7
