It seems like no matter what I do, no matter how much progress I seem to make, it is ultimately for nothing. I got misgendered a few times when I was out clothes shopping with my aunt (but I had plenty of other experiences during this same shopping trip where that didn't happen.) But ever since that time yesterday, I have felt more and more depressed. It's to the point now where I just feel....empty...I feel no joy, no sorrow....nothing at all.

It's times like this when I feel like: "Is this even worth it? What's the point?"

I have tried and tried to do everything I possibly can to make this gender transition work and something always happens eventually that makes it all seem like it's completely pointless and it's all been for nothing.

I feel like taking a nap since I am feeling this way. With any luck I won't wake up but I know that won't happen.

It just sucks because I thought that I had finally beat this damn thing once and for all, when it turns out I am never going to beat this even though I have tried so hard to get through all of this.

That idea about killing myself just after New Years Day is looking better all the time. The only reason I am not doing it right now is this is a prolonged holiday season, one of my great-aunts just died after a battle with cancer, and I want to do this noise show (even though something will go wrong and everyone there will end up hating me and it will just be a disaster.)

I just hope that when I do die that my wishes are carried out. Sure, I will be dead and gone and have no way of knowing if it happens or not. But, I really hope that they are followed through.

*hugs*

Please don't harm yourself. If you do, others will be hurt as well.

For myself, I know on "bad" days I think about ending it also...but then, after a while, I find that I can still move forward, that the world didn't end just because someone I don't even know said, "thank you, sir."

It does get better.

Keep going. Always keep going, do what you can, and when you can't do any more THEN you rest. But not now. Don't rest before your time is up!

miss bungle you are such a loving person and yes its a rocky road and i think the journey is never smooth when mountains have to be moved. Keep carrying on because you deserve so much.

Quote from: Miss Bungle on October 10, 2013, 07:21:21 PM
I laid down and cried for a long time but I don't feel any better. I just feel...hollow. I should go for my nightly walk but I don't even care. It feels like nothing matters, that I'm just ticking out the clock until it's all over. It sucks because this feels like how it used to be years ago.

I thought those days were long gone and yet, I feel like I am back there again. Sure, a lot has changed since then but it just feels like it is all for nothing.

I don't know what to do.

I don't think there is anything that I CAN do.

It seems like I am doomed to play this pathetic farce out until the end and that will be all.

Honestly, if it wasn't for the feeling of "I have some unfinished business to take care of so I should stick around" and the fact that we've already had one death in the family this week, plus one other member is getting married. I would just go buy what I need and off myself tonight.

But I'm not doing that to my family...I can't do that.

But then again....I know if I go through with this plan after New Years, it's still going to blindside everyone. I can see it all playing out in my mind as I am typing it.

Me laying there in the coffin with my plushes around me as per my request. My mom a total freakin' wreck. (As if she doesn't have enough to deal with.) Them boxing up my things as they empty out my apartment.

It's depressing as hell.

But, on the other hand....I feel like I'm screwed if I don't go through with this and stick around solely for the benefit of everyone else. It's really all I have been doing since age 10: sticking around for the benefit of everyone else.

I really wish I had just been born in the right body to start with.

I don't know...maybe it's my fault for being such a chicken and not coming out with it that time I was around 10 or 11 and my Mom asked me about all of this: If I wanted to live as a girl.

If I hadn't been so damn scared of being disowned OR my mom letting me do it and then causing problems with my dad and breaking up the family because of that....maybe things would have been better off for them if I had died as an infant. Then I wouldn't have been such a burden on them psychologically and financially. I know in my heart they never saw me that way but when I look back on it, that is how I see myself.

Sometimes (during times like these) I think to myself: "What was the point? What was the point of me surviving even though the doctors all told my parents that I wouldn't reach the age of 18? That there may have been a chance that I would died after leaving the hospital after living in an incubator for months...what was it all for, anyway?

So, I could spend the rest of my life feeling like a friggin' outcast, constantly being treated like dirt as a kid/teen and having virtually no self esteem due to all of that?

Ending up resorting to drinking and doing drugs even though I was against it until I was a teen, simply because I couldn't frickin' cope with the damn GID?

For now I am just going to exist, but I don't really see much point in sticking around in the long term.

Miss Bungle,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  May I ask, what do you think would make you happy?  What would prevent you from feeling this way?  Is the misgendering what's getting to you?  Or is it something else?  Sorry for the questions, but the answers may lead you to some solutions.

Here's the thing about planning out the funeral with your favourite things surrounding you.

I know someone whose wishes, if she passed, were that her Chihuahua be put down, cremated, and placed in the coffin with her. They were inseparable. Her partner agreed. Then she had a coronary and died. No one went through with euthanizing the bright-eyed dog. What seemed poignant and noble when it was just words became glaringly stupid when it came time to do it.

There's no glory in death, put your efforts into making life better. Hugs, Devlyn

Oh Miss Bungle please don't go there.  I still want to meet you and see your collection and know more about you.  Of course I'm selfish, I want you to continue making me smile, laugh and being a champion for reclaiming our lost girlhood.  I want to stand with you and knock down stereotypes and hug my dollies too.

You have value and worth beyond what you can possibly know and you touch more lives with your written words right here.  Please take a break and know too that it is right that you want and need to feel release from the friggin hard ass world around us.  But please let it be a temporary release so that you can wake up and smell the coffee and feel the love--- later on.

Love and hugs

Funny thing is when you are dead, you are just that dead and the rest of your family will live a very sad life. Wow what a nice thing to leave others.

I do not know why today 2013 that anyone is even thinking of this. WTH are us who have finished our transitions not doing to prove that all the crap is just ->-bleeped-<-. Nothing more nothing less.


Oh welllllll... As someone told me it is my life and i will do what i want. Yes it is, yes it is. SO SAD...

Izzy

When you get misgendered, it is by people who don't matter. Anyone who doesn't treat you as a member of the gender you clearly present as is not someone whose opinion should carry a lot of weight.

Is there a way you can keep from having these people live rent free in your head?

Have you seen your physician about possible medicines that might help?  Sometimes, when the chemistry in the brain is a little off, the world can seem much, much worse.  I have been there.  I have been in depression so deep that nothing, *nothing* could touch me.  For years at a time.

A large part of it was caused by the situation I was in... (this is pre-coming-out-to-myself).  I was in a bad relationship, a marriage that had turned abusive.  I made steps, I got therapy, eventually I got myself out of that situation... and then I was still alternating between "meh, nothing matters, who cares" and starting into the Abyss.  Meds helped stabilize me a little bit.

Now that I'm a few years down the road (and have finally admitted my trans status), I'm seriously thinking about asking for antidepressants again... or at least a small prescription for some anti-anxiety stuff.  It's because sometimes I look in the mirror and want to break, to hide, to go away.  And sometimes, too, going out I find myself miss-gendered and everything just seems so ->-bleeped-<-ing hopeless, useless.  I feel sometimes like I'm never going to be a woman. 

The trick is, I also recognize those feelings because I've already been through them.  Before I was thinking "leaving her will mean I have failed".  "Think of what you're doing to the children".  "You will destroy your family and your relationship with your children".  "You would be breaking your vow".  "You don't deserve happiness, you should sacrifice *everything* to your family".  Around and around it would go.  I didn't give in, in large part thanks to the help of my therapist and in some part due to some medication that helped me get some distance and perspective in my own head.

Please, PLEASE, exhaust all other options before choosing permanent pain for your family and community.  I want to see *YOUR* posts of encouragement years from now, after beating this, saving lives and restoring hope.  We're all on a difficult path... I'm sure I will need help down the road.  Please do your best to be there for me and others?

We're here for you, please stay here for us, too, down the road.

Much love and respect,

Robin

Miss Bungle,

Why do you believe people are misgendering you?  Is it actually verified or in your head?  If not, maybe it is more of a self image issue than a misgnedering issue? If it is verified, why do you think they are reaching to the conclusion that your are a "guy"? 

Quote from: Miss Bungle on October 11, 2013, 02:40:29 PM
The problem is this: I have been losing weight for health reasons. I think that the losing of the weight is what has been causing the problems so I have basically three options as of right now: 1. Keep on the path I am going on and lose more weight, while it may make me healthier, it will cause other problems as far as my passing is concerned. 2. Say the hell with the weight loss and stay overweight so that it doesn't affect my ability to pass. 3. Just run out the clock and off myself after New Years's like I was thinking about yesterday.

Honestly, I think all of these options suck.

I have no choice but to accept the fact that I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. It's never going to work out in the long term even though I have tried and tried to do everything that was possible for me to pull off my transition. Things like GRS and especially FFS are off the table because I can't afford it and it isn't going to change anything for me anyway, even if I won a million bucks tomorrow.

I was screwed at birth and that is all there is to it. It sucks. I hate it. I want to change it so bad and I have tried so hard to do it and I've found that despite my best efforts, I can't pull it off.

Weight loss really shouldn't effect whether you pass or not.  Is it possible that some of this is a fear that you have built up in your head?  I'm not knocking you for it because I do this all the time to myself.  I just have a hard time understanding why someone would see a slender woman and think man.  If it is about breast size, don't worry about that.  There are many woman that have smaller breasts.

Quote from: Miss Bungle on October 11, 2013, 02:29:08 PM
I am already on seroquel and alprazolam due to anxiety issues. I had some non trans related medical stuff come up and I was worried about dying in my sleep (ironic isn't it?) so I would go two and three days with no sleep because of this. I was also eating virtually nothing because I was scared of everything. Every time I felt a little pain I thought it was a pre cursor to a stroke or a heart attack and I would end up getting checked out at the hospital and everything would be fine. Now that I am on these medications I can sleep and I THOUGHT that I had my life back because I THOUGHT I had beaten the gender issues once and for all. I had talked about this somewhere on the forum. (Around May of last year I think it was.) but as it turns out..that was only a small break and it never really went away and it's never going away. No matter what I do, say, think or feel I'm screwed.

How related are these thoughts to the gender dysphoria?  Sometimes these things can get muddled together and it can be hard for us to find the source of what plagues us. 

Quote from: Miss Bungle on October 11, 2013, 12:15:14 PM
Well, I've always held the opinion that there are a lot of people out in the world that suck and are totally worthless. People that act like that are right in that batch of losers. I'm feeling a little better today. But as I've said before, this stuff is rare when it happens so when it does occur, it really screws me up.

The thing with this is...is that it's not so much what is said and the people that say it. It's more about the IDEA that I am trans and I'm always going to be trans and 99% of the time I can deal with it and it just is what it is.

But when rare things like this happen, it burrows into my brain and totally wrecks everything for me. Then I start thinking about death and suicide and I get depressed as hell. It's one of the many reasons I would never, ever own a gun. (The main reason is I just don't like them.) But if I did own one it would be far too easy to just pull the trigger and it would be over.

You feel depressed and sad for the fact that you are seen as trans and not as a genetic women even if it is that rare chance. In the back of your mind, do you feel that people suspect your trans and keep quiet too and that makes you very sad. I feel in the back of my mind, would I be percieved as a normal women. Now I know  some people act nasty even if it is for nontrans things  towards me or other people. I think they are a lot of people who put other people down just for the sack of leveling themselves up. It is very hard to not let people like that make you feel  miserable and sad.

Quote from: Miss Bungle on October 11, 2013, 02:29:08 PM
I am already on seroquel and alprazolam due to anxiety issues. I had some non trans related medical stuff come up and I was worried about dying in my sleep (ironic isn't it?) so I would go two and three days with no sleep because of this. I was also eating virtually nothing because I was scared of everything. Every time I felt a little pain I thought it was a pre cursor to a stroke or a heart attack and I would end up getting checked out at the hospital and everything would be fine. Now that I am on these medications I can sleep and I THOUGHT that I had my life back because I THOUGHT I had beaten the gender issues once and for all. I had talked about this somewhere on the forum. (Around May of last year I think it was.) but as it turns out..that was only a small break and it never really went away and it's never going away. No matter what I do, say, think or feel I'm screwed.

All I can say is just because you have meds doesn't mean they are the right meds or dosages... it takes work, and it's a real pain, but they really can be life altering.  I'm sorry if I sound glib... I'm just worried.  I love reading your posts and I can't imagine not seeing you around.

*hug*

I know how this is and how this feels, I once caught myself in a fit about my transition, a few of the mods stepped in and set me straight.  It didn't help any at the time, but a few days later and I felt fine, because I realized that no matter what people saw, what they thought, or what masculinity I had.  I would never change.  People still love me for who I am, just because I was born a boy doesn't mean I wasn't a girl.  Transsexual? What is that to you?  Some people love being labelled trans. Do you? I don't. It's a sickness. It's something I'm having to work through right now, it's something I was effected with since birth.  What the heck is a trans woman?  Get real, you're a woman.  Face the facts and live your best. 

You deserve your life, don't let what other people say change that.

Laura,

Please get the help you need and visit this thread and talk to someone. Life is worth living, it's just hard to realize that when you're in this bad of a place.

I know we've had our differences but if you need to talk, please send me a PM, I'm here for you.

*BIG HUGS*

Amy

Laura you are obviously feeling very painful and hurtful messages.  So wish we could wish it away for you.  Please do reach out a little more, we want you here as family.

"sickness" is something you can get over, you've done it before big time.

Hang in there Honey

Quote from: Miss Bungle on October 10, 2013, 09:18:53 PM
The misgendering is what does it because it is so rare when it does happen. It completely screws me up and then I get more and more depressed. Plus, I know that no matter what I do, I can't change the fact that I was born like this.

On the other hand, if I had not been born as trans, and I had been born as a genetic female, my life would still have certain medical issues. I'm not going into that right now because I don't feel like going through typing about it. But, if the GID wasn't there things would still be messed up. BUT, these are problems I accepted a long time ago and have learned to deal with.

I did have another batch of non-trans related medical issues pop up and now that I am on medication for that, things are better now as far as THOSE issues are concerned. This was back when I THOUGHT I had the trans stuff licked and yeah, I was thinking about suicide when this other stuff started as well because I couldn't find a way to fix it. Running back and forth to the friggin hospitals and having tons of tests done sucked. Plus, I felt like I was losing my independence and that just made me more depressed and that just made death seem like a better idea at the time. Yeah, THAT situation did improve, but this trans issue....I don't know.

Well, for one: I don't have any pets so that isn't an issue.

Second: I don't really see it as being stupid at all.

Third: I would find no "glory" in death. It would be about finding relief from my screwed up life.

You know,i can understand the pain and the road im sure is a very hard one but NEVER dismiss someones effort to make you see how much they care.Its true i know nothing about most of what people deal with on a daily bases here.No my partner didnt care if i lived or died,more or less if i transitioned.No i lost my family so i dont constantly have to deal with the put downs or remarks that crush peoples souls.Its true that i dont have the means to even get an inch to where half of the people here have walked a mile but i know who i am and with or without help,i will get to my goal and if it wasnt for the people who did care for me,i wouldnt have even took that half a step.Now to be very honest.I would be more then grateful for these people who are all commenting and trying to encourage you and would even kill for it.Never let your sorrow crush the very people who help lift you up.With a thousand voices around you,if you still cant hear them and only hear the one negative one which is in your head,then this battle is yours alone and if you are strong enough to take someones hand and stand up,then you will find even more confidence and strength but if not,then all you will find is weakness.

Quote from: Chaos on October 14, 2013, 03:45:54 PM
...
Now to be very honest.I would be more then grateful for these people who are all commenting and trying to encourage you and would even kill for it.

And you have it, in this spot on the internet, free for the asking!  PM me if you ever need a sympathetic ear, Chaos, and/or Miss Bungle!  (Well, and anybody else for that matter).

Quote from: Chaos on October 14, 2013, 03:45:54 PM
...
With a thousand voices around you,if you still cant hear them and only hear the one negative one which is in your head,then this battle is yours alone and if you are strong enough to take someones hand and stand up,then you will find even more confidence and strength but if not,then all you will find is weakness.

While this may seem harsh, it is true.  When the blackest of depression is on you, it can be impossible to see the helping hands stretched out around you, or any hope of help.   But it is there.  I've been there.  Sometimes it is all a person can do to reach out for one of those hands.  Hope can hurt, and it takes a bit of hope to reach out.  You've reached out to this board, though, Miss Bungle, so your hope is not yet gone.  Remember some of the things that made you happy in childhood, before gender reared its head.  Remember the simpler times, and know you can return there, if only for a moment, when you need to.

*hug*

Quote from: robinmack on October 14, 2013, 03:58:48 PM
And you have it, in this spot on the internet, free for the asking!  PM me if you ever need a sympathetic ear, Chaos, and/or Miss Bungle!  (Well, and anybody else for that matter).

Thank you and im sure i will take you up on that