Thanks Bethany and Izzy!
It won't be till maybe early next month when I tell my parents. I don't dread doing it no where near as much but I still have a lot of work to do with the therapist.
She was great, I went in there and sat on the couch then she closed the office door, sat down across from me and asked what I was here to see her about. Big gulp! Then I said I'm transgender. Talk about feeling relief, my gaaaawwwwwwwdddddddd talk about relief oh it was so nice to say that and to hear her say everything is ok. Then we talked about my history asking the typical questions. When did you feel this way, what made you not be able to tell someone..ect Then skimmed over my coming out letter and started asking me questions as she was reading it. She said she was going to re read it in full and digest everything I said in it, I think she could see that I have a very hard to expressing myself to another person but can get out just about every word possible when it comes to putting it down on paper. She did mention that a lot of my letter seemed to be centered around my mom which is true as I think my Dad will be fine with everything but my mom has many issues of her own that's she's dealt with for years and I feel really bad as I think I'm just going to add more crap onto her plate. I've been stuck in my bubble for so long it's hard for me to open up to another human in person. She did tell me about all of her other patients that came out to their family that all but one had positive reactions and weren't rejected by their family. Very calming and comforting words for me to hear.
She asked about my work and my fears about coming out. I told her a story about a trans woman from work and the issues she faced that eventually got her fired. Was very hard to talk about that about how it just reinforced all of my current fears to the core but she was happy that I did learn something from it. That when I do get that far I don't need to get hung up on pronouns and where or not I'm called by my name or my real name. Then she started talking about her process for people who are transgender, it will be a little while before I can start HRT which is ok as I still have some BIG issues to work out and in about a week and a half I go back in for a 2 hour long session with lots of paperwork to get more history on me and to lay out a path to where we are going. As much as I want to start HRT NOW! I know it's for the better and I actually did agree with her on that aspect as there's no reason to rush things right now. Next time I see her I think i'll ask about getting on Testosterone blockers at least just to put my body on "hold" for the moment.
She even asked me about having any suicidal thoughts, thankfully even though all the pain I've been in for years I've never had thoughts like that but I did tell here that if I was ever in a situation where some kind of accident happened like a car crash and say my arm was cut off and I was bleeding out that I think I would just let myself go into the light and would not fight to stay alive. I hope nothing like that ever happens to me as it was terrible to say as I should never feel like I don't want to live but it was the truth and I want to be 100% honest with her through all of this.
Then we see each other weekly for one hour for one month and gave me a daily log for exercise, medicine usage, mood, sleep, irritability, comments to show her at the beginning of each session. The best part was when she began telling me about her history and how screwed up backwards this bible belt state was when she first came here 10 years ago and how much things have changed. I didn't realize it until after I got home that she was trying to reassure me that things aren't NOWHERE near as bad as I think they are here in my mind. She didn't give me a figure but she did say that about 25% of her patients are trans and hinted that it's a lot of people and that I didn't have to feel alone here. She also went on a little bit of a tirade about how other doctors in the area charge extra for LGBT issue patients and how she strongly dislikes that as she treats everyone equally. Did I say I like her already? She's awesome!
Then we talked about finances as it's an important discussion to have. She didn't want me being in a bad position to start my transition with a rocky foundation as she knows what can happen in those cases. I told her my plans are to take it easyish but I had no plans on detouring from my path. Time to play the budget shuffle in excel!
She did tell me to never use the word normal again when I talk about how I want to feel. Congruent with my real gender is the way I should express it, and hey that makes sense as what is the REAL definition of being normal? Nothing can really be called normal. As we finished up she looked at my one page paper work and said I see you put Megan down as your preferred name to be called. With a smile I said yep then I got up and asked her if I could hug her as I really wanted one badly. She gave me a nice tight warm one and I almost lost it but kept my composure while thanking her for being there because I really needed this moment to happen. I really did mean it as she was the only therapist in my general area that actually listed LGBT issues & resources on her profile after spending hours and hours searching. Every other one I saw didn't mention it or said that they will not deal with those issues. She could tell as I know I was shaking at that point and she reminded to breath deep when my anxiety and emotions started getting too strong for me to handle.
I left her office feeling absolutely amazing, all the anxiety & fear were difficult to handle but I finally made that first step!
I forgot to mention they have a men's, women's & family bathroom so when I do start presenting out in public I can go there and not feel uncomfortable by having to use either bathroom or cause any troubles by doing so.
