Some of have you probably seen by now that Lesley Roberta my so has a wig.  Tomorrow is my families Thanksgiving get together.  I phoned my sister to give her the heads up that my so will probably want to wear her wig and I knew what was coming.  She said that she would prefer if my so didn't wear it.  Her and her family are religious and I know that they are will not go over well with all of you.  She said she was sorry for the position she was putting me in.  I'm really torn apart as they are my family and I have to respect their wishes in their homes.  I think my so is pleased with the wig and how she looks as she has not taken it off since going to the hair dressers to have it modified.  This has really put me in a bad position.  I can only imagine your responses and what you must think of me for not immediately jumping to my so side.  My family is very important to me.  I will speak to my so tomorrow but I already know her response and so I will probably end up going to my families dinner without her.  She is probably going to be very angry and say the hell with my family.  Does anyone out there have any similiar situations that they've dealt with or any advice?

Big hug! I'm sorry, hon, I don't have advice, just well wishes. Sometimes tough times are better for us in the long run, they shape us. And bless you, having moderated Lesley, I have an idea what you put up with!   

Hugs, Devlyn

i don't feel qualified to give advice. i understand where you're coming from on the importance of family. hearing your story reminded me of a story my dad told me. of course it doesn't' involve family, but does include exclusion.

back in the 60's the private pool nearby wouldn't let my dad's (african american) friends in. he was a kid at the time, he stopped going there.

i know they are your family and you must respect their wishes to be in their own home. but... i would feel like i was caving into exclusionists/haters and backing out on my so.

have you considered not going yourself? if you wouldn't be comfortable being direct about it, u could always come up with an excuse preventing you from going.

i know it's harder to say that than to do it, but i hope that is what i would do.

No one can tell you what you SHOULD do - or think badly of you for weighing it up, because ultimately we have to live with our own decisions and therefore you have to feel comfortable with whatever you decide.

Here however is what I, as a trainee clinician would do, when confronted with two patients both needing my attention.

I would respond to the the needs of the most vulnerable patient first, because they are the one most likely to suffer serious harm from any delay or lack of response. The other patient may deteriorate a little, but as their condition is not as pressing I am hoping to be able to repair any damage done by the delay when my first patient is properly stablilised.

Now apply that principle to this situation. Here is my analysis, yours may be different and that's ok.

I would say that your most vulnerable person is your SO - who is going through a process that I have seen unhinging many many people. The frightening statistic about trans suicide becomes even more telling when you realise that many of the suicides are not those who are repressed and still in original gender, but those who are transitioning and being treated. It comes about as the inevitable consequence of being abandoned and cast out by loved ones, and treated by pretty much everyone daily as objects of scorn, freaks and pariahs.

Unless I am very mistaken about the situation your SO desperately needs your unequivocal support just now - which under this circumstance, if no accommodation can be reached, probably means not going on this occasion, and later explaining to your family, that while you love them, they do have each other for support. Your SO potentially doesn't have that support and thus needs you more than they do at this very vulnerable and important moment in life. Your family will be sad if you don't go, but they will still have a good time. Your SO will not have a good time if forced to go and forced to hide who they are becoming. It will be just another little chip at the boulder, which might eventually even crack.

Later I might also ask them what they think their Lord would have done in this situation. Would he have befriended and welcomed the outcast, or would he, like the religious people of his day (pharisees) have turned them away from his table? I would try to explain the pressures a little and ask them how they would feel if your SO had felt abandoned, cracked and became one of those statistics? I'm sure the answer is that they would be mortified, but unfortunately most people don't see that possibility until it is too late.

I feel very sorry for you. I'm sure your family are good people, but unfortunately they probably don't understand what is happening and in their enthusiasm to uphold what they perceive to be the rules of their faith they have, like so many, perhaps lost sight of the compassion which is supposed to be its most important principle. Sadly it is falling to you to be the pastor, educator and guide.

I am so glad you are thinking this through and I wish you a positive outcome.

Quote from: Doctorwho? on October 13, 2013, 03:24:31 AM
Later I might also ask them what they think their Lord would have done in this situation. Would he have befriended and welcomed the outcast, or would he, like the religious people of his day (pharisees) have turned them away from his table? I would try to explain the pressures a little and ask them how they would feel if your SO had felt abandoned, cracked and became one of those statistics? I'm sure the answer is that they would be mortified, but unfortunately most people don't see that possibility until it is too late.

Yes I completely agree with all of the above! No one can decide what's best for you and how you should maintain your relationships. Also we Christians can often be the ones most guilty of not abiding by His will. My family can be like that sometimes. They "Love thy neighbor" only so long as that neighbor isn't rocking a great new wig!  

I wish you the best in resolving this situation. ::hugs::

It appears your family has made a simple request. If you don't want to abide by it, or your SO does not, then simply do not attend. Since it is their home they have a right to ask whatever they wish. You also have a right not to attend.

Next year, you can host and set the terms.

Try not to look at this as having to pick between your family or your spouse. They set the conditions, you are merely abiding why it whether you go or do not go. The only wrong answer here is to ignore their wishes and have your spouse go in the wig.