Hey,

Someone in another forum told me about this forum some time ago,  but I have been reluctant to check it out as in my current state of mind, anything female or transgender is tantamount to showing a starving person pictures of food that they cannot eat.

I am 38 years old, I only truly came out a few months ago,  but I am stuck in limbo.  I am 6'5 tall, I feel that I am too tall, too ugly and too old to ever go through with this. 

But I am miserable, desperate and unsure of what to do next.  My marriage broke up because my ex wife found out I was trans.  I am still living with her solely for financial reasons and while she is OK with me being myself at home, she isn't comfortable with me doing what's important, which is being female outside of the confines of my apartment (I'm not a crossdresser and that does nada for me).

I have told family and friends.   There are no obstacles in that regard.  The obstacles are:

1) I have major social anxiety.  I suffer from dread, paranoia and panic attacks even going out in my male shell.  I cannot bear the thought of people looking at me.

2) I am 6'5 and despite being quite unmanly in many regards (little facial/body hair skinny build. no visible Adam's Apple, narrow shoulders) I am afraid that my height and ugliness will prevent me from ever being accepted out in the real world.

3) Finances.  I have no health insurance and thanks to my ex-wife's spending habits, I am hopelessly in debt.  Transitioning costs money.  I want laser treatment to rid me of facial hair, surgery on my chest and teeth, then of course I want that "thing" removed.  It's not going to happen on my budget.

4) Age.  If I'd been honest and admitted that I did not want to be male at 15 or even 25, I would still have a life to look forward to.  Now I am 38 and youth is behind me.  I do not have years to "wait" until my financial and living situations are better to allow me to transition.  It was "now or never" several years ago.  The ship sailed long ago.

I'll be honest...I am depressed and suicidal.  Since coming out, wearing this man-shell has become all the more burdensome.  I hate myself and my appearance every day and I feel that the outside world will never allow me to change.  Every day I wake up just wanting to be dead.  I have lost all hope and I am merely existing as a robot at this stage.  I have a therapist that I found through a charity program, but I feel that therapy is useless as it will always focus on my "other" problems (being alone, debt, stuck with ex wife) than the true problem, which is that I am a female desperately trying to shed this man-shell.  I have too much anxiety to transition and I don't feel that I can put a convincing enough argument enough to get any kind of prescription for hormones.  I am just a tall, ugly freak. 

Screw this.  I hope at least a few people read this and can relate.

You poor thing 🙁
Don't worry though, I can't think of a single transgendered person who has never been in your situation. It's something that we all go through one time or another. Just know that there is hope, and you're not the only one.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, a bag to punch, or just need to let it all spill out, everyone here is willing to take it if it helps you. We're here to help.
It's not the end of the world, no matter how terminal it feels. A little smile can go a long way, and it'll boost your feelings. Pull your cheeks up a little but, and think, what do you truly want from life? In there, deep down, you'll then find the courage to go with what you truly desire.

Hi hon, welcome to Susan's Place! You're among friends, but you're going to have to lose the self medication discussion, that simply isn't allowed here. Sorry, I retired as a moderator yesterday, it's still in my blood!

No killing youself, either, we need you around for the long-term. You don't know it, but you're going to save somebody. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 13, 2013, 07:51:28 PM
Hi hon, welcome to Susan's Place! You're among friends, but you're going to have to lose the self medication discussion, that simply isn't allowed here. Sorry, I retired as a moderator yesterday, it's still in my blood!

No killing youself, either, we need you around for the long-term. You don't know it, but you're going to save somebody. See you around, hugs, Devlyn

Edited.  Granted, I don't need to admit that on here and I would not advocate other girls do the same.

Quote from: Willow on October 13, 2013, 07:49:49 PM
You poor thing 🙁
Don't worry though, I can't think of a single transgendered person who has never been in your situation. It's something that we all go through one time or another. Just know that there is hope, and you're not the only one.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, a bag to punch, or just need to let it all spill out, everyone here is willing to take it if it helps you. We're here to help.
It's not the end of the world, no matter how terminal it feels. A little smile can go a long way, and it'll boost your feelings. Pull your cheeks up a little but, and think, what do you truly want from life? In there, deep down, you'll then find the courage to go with what you truly desire.

I've met other transwomen.  None of them were as tall as me, they all had amazing confidence and seemed to find it weird that I simply couldn't put myself out there as they did.  I wish I could.  I want to go to groups and meet other people like me, but I will never fit in because of my appearance and age, plus I don't and most likely will never have their confidence and "not give a ->-bleeped-<-" attitude to what the rest of the world thinks.  I dealt with so much bullying and abuse during my childhood/teens.  I don't think I could relive that again.

Quote from: trapped_angel on October 13, 2013, 08:04:00 PMI've met other transwomen.  None of them were as tall as me, they all had amazing confidence and seemed to find it weird that I simply couldn't put myself out there as they did.  I wish I could.  I want to go to groups and meet other people like me, but I will never fit in because of my appearance and age, plus I don't and most likely will never have their confidence and "not give a ->-bleeped-<-" attitude to what the rest of the world thinks.  I dealt with so much bullying and abuse during my childhood/teens.  I don't think I could relive that again.

Don't worry, I'm 6'3", both of us freakishly tall for a woman. I've also had the same experience with some transwomen, that coming to terms was the hardest part and the going about getting it done and keeping your motivation up was the easy part. What a lie. But what difference a smile can make for me. Wednesday, I smiled, and thought to myself, I am a strong, confident woman. I can do this. I can truly be a woman. I don't remember what gave me the attitude, but I'll share it with you first thing when I remember.
Just know that we love you, and don't want to see you go. We want to see you through, see you cross that finish line, happy. I've tried it myself, I know I'm not happy as a man, and know I never will be. Chances are, you are the exact same. You have to keep going if you want to be happy. I know it's hard, but you just gotta keep at it 🙂

hi trap angel,
I am 55 and am just coming out, i just started my hrt this week, I could not fight this any longer. I only wish I would have had the strength to start 20 years ago, through therapy, group, here, my gp doctor, i was able to break out of that boy shell (or at least start) the courage grows every day as I confront new challenges, it did not come first. I made my first public outing yesterday, not 100% positive but i made it past one more hurdle by facing it and from that my strength grew a bit more. keep with the group meetings and try to find a therapist that will work within your means, that really helps define who you are and how to move forward. My therapist is setting goals for me every week to move towards full time presentation. HR at work is set for me to come out at work just after the holidays also very supportive. By being open and honest with the people who need to know I have been able to avoid most of the bullies. the bottom line is that this for me is so much better than I was a few months ago and way better than any other option. lots of small steps for me as with my age I will have many problems, but I wouldnt have it any other way.

take some time to decide your next move and get some advice from your group and therapist
Jerri

Hello Angel.

Few facts for ya.

I know of MANY tall transgender females, your 6'5 is not really a disaster.
I know of many older transgender females I am 51 and I am not one of the old ones 🙂 38 you have lots of time.
Debt load, ok I won't say that is nothing, but I have severe financial issues, I am disabled. But even that has not made things impossible.
You have social anxiety, me I suffer from pessimism which is basically as bad, just different source. We both have to fight it.
Ex wife and you still live together? Hmm ok the financial angle is no issue, but she is an EX wife, stop listening to her. I mean what is she going to do divorce you? Odds are she needs you as much for financial angle. I sure hope you are not STILL giving her money though. She's an EX wife. Start putting the money in YOUR pocket.

It sounds like you still have family and friends, excellent. Let them keep up your spirits.

Ugly? hehehehehe oh come on now, I thought I was too, and yesterday I found out I wasn't really that bad. Stop beating yourself up for goodness sake. Truth be told, the most ugly women I know, are all cis female too. And I know some really good looking transwomen, and I have seen them at the start of their journey and just a year later, they don't even look like the same people at all.

I know depression, serious hard core depression. And most of us here have felt it too. You are so not alone with your worries.
Try not to gulp though while here, there might be a lot to take in here at Susan's place. It's like giving water to a dehydrated person, not too much too fast.

But I think you will find what you need here, give us the chance to show you.

Hello Angel, and welcome to Susan's.


First, call a hotline and get help. I, too, have been suicidal at various points in my transition (I'm about 2.5 years in at this point, and I'm older than you). Please, call a number in the following thread.

Suicide Hotlines--Numbers You Can Call

1) See a therapist. Really, they can help with these things. One of main reasons I'm actually here to make this post is my therapist. Two other reasons are a Zen priest and one of my pastors.

2) I'm 6 feet tall myself and just over 200 pounds. I haven't had any procedures other than 2 years' worth of laser on my face and neck (that started when I was about 40), and about 2 year of HRT. I still shave my arms, legs, chest and back on a regular basis. I still shave my face too, but much less effort is required now to rid the shadow. If you want, my photobucket account has a library showing my progress. Remember: I started at age 41. I'm 44 now.

http😕/s1088.photobucket.com/user/cam94080/library/?sort=3&page=1

Don't let age or size discourage you.

3) Money is a tricky part. American Laser let me make payments after a deposit. To this issue, I'm afraid I don't have much guidance there. My employer's health insurance expressly excludes transgender services from the benefit. My only hope would be to save and maybe by the time I'm 50 I can afford GCS, or I could try a medical loan.

4) I started transitioning at age 41. Two years of HRT have only given me almost A-cup breasts. But I'm going forward anyway. I'm calling myself pre-op, even though I have to accept the possibility that I could be non-op. That's an option I'd rather not have to consider, because it seems like the end of hope. But that's just uncertain for now.

Hold on, Angel. Hang in there. You're not alone, and we're here for you.

Well i was 6' now 5-11" Went full time at age 45 had my SRS at age 52. i guess i am to old.

See how silly your comment you are to old. Never to old to be happy.

Why does your X have any control over what you do in your life for you to be happy.

Just a word or two of advice. You need to stop the cycle of fears. Fears are the number one thing that drives everyone in there early transitions into such deep sadness. Funny thing is 99% of all fears are just false.

There is not one rule for transition. Height, weight, age etc. Its all confidence, and that comes from looking inward and seeing the women trying to look back and let here out.

Its about you and you only. Just remember that each and every day.

Wish you a safe passage on your path in life.
Izzy