Its been a while since I posted here, and quite a lot has happened over the last few months. I've been seeing a gender therapist for the last 3 months, and that has been a huge help for me. After I made the decision to figure out this gender thing once and for all, instead of just kicking the can further down the road, I was finally able to give myself permission to explore various aspects of my gender. When I started this process about 3 to 4 months ago, I thought that there was no way that I would ever transition, not because it wasn't something I was interested in, but because I didn't think my parents would be able to handle it. Everything was about what others thought, and nothing about what I needed. I still recall during my first therapy session that when my therapist asked me what I was hoping to get out of working with her, I said that I was hoping that she would tell me that I wasn't trans, but that I had a feeling that that was not going to be the case. My gender identity is still not super solid to me, the only solid thing that I really feel is that I do not feel male. There are days where I am fairly confident that I am female, and others where I'm just not sure which way is up, but never that I feel confidently male. All I really know is that I'm either female or something non-binary, but I'm going with female since that seems to make more sense to me at this point. Once I really started to openly question my gender, and explore all that that entails, my dysphoria got worse. I think the majority of that was that I was now able to recognize it much more easily throughout the day. I've also gotten to the point where I'm having much more difficultly with getting things done at work. I also have a side job doing software development (start up of sorts), and absolutely nothing has gotten done because of the gender issues. Within the last couple of weeks, I've noticed that my day job was starting to become effected by this as well, so I decided that something had to give. What gave was my projected timeline for transitioning. My original goal was to wait till after the holiday season and to be below 200 pounds. I was hoping to start HRT around Dec / Jan. During my therapy session today, I mentioned this to my therapist, that I was having a harder time focusing at work, and she agreed that my dysphoria was getting worse. She asked if I was thinking about moving up my timeline for starting HRT, and I said that I was. We discussed it a bit, and then she asked me if I wanted a letter to start HRT, which I replied yes. She gave me contact info for an Endocrinologist that she refers a lot of her clients to, and told me to make an appointment, and she would get a letter to me by then. This is so exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I was told to expect about a 2 to 3 week wait to get in to see the endo, which should give me some time to take care of sperm banking. Part of me doesn't want to bother with it, but I feel like I shouldn't take the risk of not doing it and then later wishing that I had. Well, thats where I'm at today, excited and terrified, standing on the edge of a whole new world.
