When I first came out as transgender I was really happy, it felt like a huge relief.  But now as I further along my transition it feels more like a burden. Sometimes I pass fairly easily and sometimes I don't. It's hard to correct people because I don't want to explain to people why I'm doing it, and because I'm still insecure about it. It's hard though because even when I do pass I hate myself because I'm still a girl. I can't afford surgery right  now but I'm slowly moving my way forward towards starting T. It's kinda effecting my life and my self-esteem obviously because I rather isolate myself than go out and socialize with people and when I do socialize with people I never feel like I'm being myself and then I hate myself.
~Kye

I feel your pain, it's almost like I morph into some kind of alien that's been dropped here from another planet when I venture outside. I can't say I'm a girl 'cause I would be lying, I can't say I'm a guy 'cause I haven't been socialized as one, and I look and sound like a fifteen year old no matter what I do so how am I even supposed to articulate myself in the first place? Sometimes, even intrinsic actions as simple as greeting someone seem like they're not even my own because of my old habits, which brings my behavior at odds with my identity. I wish I didn't have to worry about social cues and mannerisms so much, IDing as trans is a lot easier on the internet because text is the only thing people have to judge me by. I had a heck of a time discussing everything with my counselor the other day because of that uncertainty; I know what I'm not but I have no idea what I am, or I'm not yet comfortable outwardly identifying that way yet, which in turn makes my thoughts and feelings seem... illegitimate, I guess. I know that kind of thinking is bullcrap, but it's still lurking there in the back of my mind.

So yeah, you're not alone and don't be too hard on yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but I doubt either of us chose to be in this predicament. When I think about it, I never really went through puberty-not the proper one, at least, so maybe I really am fifteen (in a metaphorical sense) and my identity is just something I'll have to grow into and get used to as I move further along. While I can't really offer any advice, I can wish you luck on your journey toward transition and self acceptance.

Kye and Zambie, it's good to know I'm not alone in these confusing feelings. I still have no idea what I am or even what I want to be, and that can be horribly frustrating and disheartening.

One thing I would suggest is to try and take things one step at a time, and focus on the things that you can control. Worrying about things you can do nothing about will only cause undue stress and pain.

In regards to socializing, see if there are any LGBTQ groups in your area. I think you will find people there that are very open and understanding, and will allow you to express and discover yourself. Who knows, you may even find someone who is in a similar situation to you! 

thnx guys.....ya when i first told people i think it was a bit of a shock but i was just having a discussion about srs today with my family and they seemed pretty open to it. ya it's a lot different outside family/social circles to be open about trans identity but i guess its something eventually you have to do. I don't think i'm quite there yet. I find it especially hard at work and school the most because I have to use my "real" name, and I don't feel comfortable being known as the trans person at work/school. 
~Kye