And here it is. I'm on the precipice of if I should act or if I should not and at the end of it all, my doubts are many and well solicited. The fact of the matter is that no matter how hard I voice train, it'll never sound great, no matter how long I'm on HRT regardless of my age, I'll still never be small, cute, or attractive. Just some guy with feminine features desperately trying to be something he's not. I can fight it all I want to, but people will see me, know the truth, and those who don't understand will laugh, and maybe if I'm lucky, someone will gender me 'correctly' out of sympathy. I'm approaching my 20th birthday and no matter how I see it, I'm not happy now, but I don't know if I'd be happy as a 'woman' either. I'm either stuck feeling like something I wish I had never been to begin with or feeling like something I'm just pretending to be.

No matter how I look at it, people say "Well, you're trans so you ARE a woman.  You have the brain of one." Pfft, I walk like a guy, I talk like a guy, I notice few visual details like a guy, and I look like a guy. I can ask about my 'brain' all I want but what if it's not my brain but me just chasing after some unrealistic dream while I try to fight for a fantasy? Even if I transitioned, I'd never have a period, never be capable of giving birth, never have a family truly see me as a woman, they'd just call me that out of sympathy AT BEST (if they ever came around to begin with). I'd never have a truly supportive shoulder to cry on, landing a job would be nearly impossible, and I'd be looked down upon by most everyone. And to top it off, I can't even cry over any of this. I just feel a small ache in my chest but apparently I don't care enough to cry, or I"m too disassociated from this subject for me to show any emotion to begin with. Maybe I'm just some hyper-sensitive kid with his head in the clouds and wishing for what he can't have, finding out the reality of it all, trying to ignore it, and getting slapped so slightly and realizing something so insignificant can hinder my resolve. I know you're probably tired of hearing my whining, but I feel like I need to be heard. By someone.

I've got so much going for me, why is it that I'm supposed to choose to throw it all away when I can't even be sure that's what I want? Sometimes I wish someone would just come by and beat me around a few times and hard enough to nearly knock me unconscious. Maybe then my mind would be clear enough to think without all this baggage.

Big hug! It's got to start with self acceptance. You don't believe in yourself, it's obvious from your post. Accept yourself, do things your way, and the world follows your lead. Hugs, Devlyn

Have you seen a therapist? Like devlyn said you seem to have a lot of self confidence issues. These need to be worked out with the help of a professional.

Big hugs hun, understanding who you are can be a painful experience.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 18, 2013, 06:46:25 PM
Big hug! It's got to start with self acceptance. You don't believe in yourself, it's obvious from your post. Accept yourself, do things your way, and the world follows your lead. Hugs, Devlyn

I second this! I'm nearly 40, 6'4" tall, bald, have obvious secondary gender characteristics.  It's easy to feel like I'll never get there.  It took me a hell of a long time to realize that I would still be me, still be ok if *no one* thought I was really female.  Sure it would be nice, but *I* know I am me, and I work to ensure I'm putting out big enough hints how I *want* to be seen.  Yeah, I get a lot of "sirs".  It sucks. 

Have you started hormones yet?  I hear they make a huge difference.  And having a good gender therapist helps, too.  It's a long journey, but between all the available options (FFS, HRT, SRS, VFS) there are *lots* of options.  And a good gender therapist can help choose what is right for *you*.

Please understand that there are a lot of people who have worn your shoes and fought through the terrible stuff you're fighting now and have lived to realize their dreams.  You are stronger than you may ever know, just give yourself the chance to prove it! 

Can I presume you're not on HRT yet? I only ask because you are young so I gather if you have been on HRT it hasn't been for long. At any rate HRT can make a big difference in many regards, other areas need physical intervention like electrolysis and the like, other aspects like walking and talking require lots of practice. Sorry, you probably won't ever be a cute little girl, HRT doesn't work overnight miracles, but at the same time you could make a stunning woman if you have faith in yourself and have the right support. I agree with the others that some confidence building and looking honestly at the turmoil in your gender identity would help a lot.

Never give up.  GD does not go away.  Mine went from something I could ignore or suppress and generally live with until I almost lost my mind (heh, maybe the cheese actually did slip off my cracker for a bit) and the booze almost killed me.  I really regret not dealing with this when I was in college and realized I just felt more like "one of the girls".  My life would have been so much easier and pleasant if I hadn't tried to bury it all.  I also would have saved a fortune in hair removal.  Deciding later in life to transition after male pattern baldness sets in also presents you with another challenge.  Mine mostly came back after 9 months, but most transwomen aren't so lucky.  Cheap wigs are a dead giveaway and good wigs are expensive.

Nobody said this was easy, but I'd much rather be a transwoman than a dead woman.

I was where you were one time. For me I tried to cope. Alcohol with antihistamines, pot and tobacco. I gained 165 lbs ( 325 total) and knew I was killing myself. I am alcohol and drug free for 15 years and tobacco free for 5 years and 210 ibm. I struggled with suicide and the desire of self mutilation for all but the 1st 5 years of my life. I wear long sleeves at work because of so many scars on my arms. The transgender "thing" just never went away and just continued to get worse and my coping mechanisms failed. 

I am in an ultra male field and married and have a child. I had a choice, be me or die. I am in transition at 51. The next 2 years will be difficult but I look forward to living now.

I wish you the best in whatever choice you make. I hope you can avoid a life of "coping" and I understand your fears, I lived them.

Quote from: Noiro on October 18, 2013, 06:36:26 PM
And here it is. I'm on the precipice of if I should act or if I should not and at the end of it all, my doubts are many and well solicited. The fact of the matter is that no matter how hard I voice train, it'll never sound great, no matter how long I'm on HRT regardless of my age, I'll still never be small, cute, or attractive. Just some guy with feminine features desperately trying to be something he's not. I can fight it all I want to, but people will see me, know the truth, and those who don't understand will laugh, and maybe if I'm lucky, someone will gender me 'correctly' out of sympathy. I'm approaching my 20th birthday and no matter how I see it, I'm not happy now, but I don't know if I'd be happy as a 'woman' either. I'm either stuck feeling like something I wish I had never been to begin with or feeling like something I'm just pretending to be.

No matter how I look at it, people say "Well, you're trans so you ARE a woman.  You have the brain of one." Pfft, I walk like a guy, I talk like a guy, I notice few visual details like a guy, and I look like a guy. I can ask about my 'brain' all I want but what if it's not my brain but me just chasing after some unrealistic dream while I try to fight for a fantasy? Even if I transitioned, I'd never have a period, never be capable of giving birth, never have a family truly see me as a woman, they'd just call me that out of sympathy AT BEST (if they ever came around to begin with). I'd never have a truly supportive shoulder to cry on, landing a job would be nearly impossible, and I'd be looked down upon by most everyone. And to top it off, I can't even cry over any of this. I just feel a small ache in my chest but apparently I don't care enough to cry, or I"m too disassociated from this subject for me to show any emotion to begin with. Maybe I'm just some hyper-sensitive kid with his head in the clouds and wishing for what he can't have, finding out the reality of it all, trying to ignore it, and getting slapped so slightly and realizing something so insignificant can hinder my resolve. I know you're probably tired of hearing my whining, but I feel like I need to be heard. By someone.

I've got so much going for me, why is it that I'm supposed to choose to throw it all away when I can't even be sure that's what I want? Sometimes I wish someone would just come by and beat me around a few times and hard enough to nearly knock me unconscious. Maybe then my mind would be clear enough to think without all this baggage.

I have not read all of your letter however it's OK not to change. No one says that is what you have to do. All of us must consider a multitude of factors & decide for our selves.

We all care either way & it's good to vent & post things.

Be cool girl/boy friend,

Francis

Hi Noiro,
There are a lot of us that stood where you are at rights now.  I will be 41 next week and am just now starting my transition.  I felt the feelings a long time ago and suppressed them by joining the military amd then starting a family.  Speaking for myself and I'm sure a lot of people here, these feelings don't go away with time.  For me they just got stronger as time went on.   I agree with Devlyn, you should try and get some counseling and sort things out.   I wish you all the best amd give you a hug for having the courage to speak about your feelings.

Talking it out with a therapist is the way to go, at least it was with me. Through talking it out, what's going on will be revealed. Try not to keep things bottled up.

Noiro,

Please seriously think about this and seek a gender therapist if you can,or at least purchase and read a book on transitioning; they are easy to find online. I recommend reading "The Transgender Guidebook" by Anne L. Boedecker.

From my experience, I can say transition is emotionally and financially draining. I've lost my wife, the respect of my two adolescent children, my younger brother (whom used to look up to me), and all but 4 of my friends. The 4 friends I do have are all touch and go, no real support from them. My ex-wife is only kind to me when she wants money or needs help, my older son has taken a real liking to her new boyfriend and does not want to spend much time with me now.

Life will get hard, lonely and painful...

On the brighter side...

Like many others, I am in my late 30's and fought my urges all through childhood ~ adolescence ~ military ~ marriage and made the tough choice with a gender therapist without regret. I am very, very happy now and its exciting to be myself everyday.

((Hugs)) 

Quote from: Breanne Nicole on October 18, 2013, 11:54:53 PM
Noiro,

Please seriously think about this and seek a gender therapist if you can,or at least purchase and read a book on transitioning; they are easy to find online. I recommend reading "The Transgender Guidebook" by Anne L. Boedecker.

From my experience, I can say transition is emotionally and financially draining. I've lost my wife, the respect of my two adolescent children, my younger brother (whom used to look up to me), and all but 4 of my friends. The 4 friends I do have are all touch and go, no real support from them. My ex-wife is only kind to me when she wants money or needs help, my older son has taken a real liking to her new boyfriend and does not want to spend much time with me now.

Life will get hard, lonely and painful...

On the brighter side...

Like many others, I am in my late 30's and fought my urges all through childhood ~ adolescence ~ military ~ marriage and made the tough choice with a gender therapist without regret. I am very, very happy now and its exciting to be myself everyday.

((Hugs)) 

Poor thing, such stress. You must be a strong girl inside. Maybe your family will come back one day.

Theres always voice surgery if training doesn't work, i will probably never sound like a girl without it and it works better then training for some, look into the diffrent types avalible, it may be hard but at least it's possable girl.

There are tall girls, some taller then men are.

I would love to know just how far you have taken transition. How much of a chance have you given yourself? Something tells me you have only opened the door, seen the inside of the freezer box, and got scared that you would freeze to death before going in and getting the goodies.

But I'll assume the worst.

So you'll never pass? Big deal, be yourself.

You walk, talk, act, think male? Well then be yourself.

All you can do is put aside everything you want to be, what you wish you could be, and just be who you are. If you're somebody you're not, then you're always going to stick out in a bad way. Most people think it's more attractive for a manly woman to be manly than it is for a manly woman to be a wannabe feminine woman.

I have lots of friends - trans and cis gender. Some of those friends are transsexuals that try to be girly when they're not. I really don't like being around them. They're so phony and it seems they try so hard to be something they're not, that they really have no room to have a personality.

Meanwhile, one of my best friends is a pretty masculine transsexual (loves guns and knives, and just about everything manly, sits with legs spread... etc). But you know what? She has friends that support her and don't look the other way either. Yes, people know she's trans before she even gets within 100 feet, but that doesn't matter. She's nice to be around and has friends. Why? Because she has a personality that she doesn't mask. Being yourself is attractive.

Stop worrying about who you want to be and just be who you are. Being transsexual sucks and there's no way around it whatsoever. I personally hate it because I've missed out on 20+ years where I could've been myself and had the girl life that I should've had. But you know what? I'm happy. I made steps to be myself and it's a lot better now than being the pathetic person that tried too hard to be someone I'm not.

To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.

Quote from: Noiro on October 18, 2013, 06:36:26 PM
And here it is. I'm on the precipice of if I should act or if I should not and at the end of it all, my doubts are many and well solicited. The fact of the matter is that no matter how hard I voice train, it'll never sound great, no matter how long I'm on HRT regardless of my age, I'll still never be small, cute, or attractive. Just some guy with feminine features desperately trying to be something he's not. I can fight it all I want to, but people will see me, know the truth, and those who don't understand will laugh, and maybe if I'm lucky, someone will gender me 'correctly' out of sympathy. I'm approaching my 20th birthday and no matter how I see it, I'm not happy now, but I don't know if I'd be happy as a 'woman' either. I'm either stuck feeling like something I wish I had never been to begin with or feeling like something I'm just pretending to be.

20? Really? I wish I'd transitioned at 20.. Instead, I wasted 20+ years of my life trying to be something I wasn't.. I'm not small, cute or (IMHO) particularly attractive, but that's OK by me, most women aren't,,  I expect that people will look at me and see the 'truth'.. The fact is, they look at me and see a woman.. Not a trans woman, just a woman..

QuoteNo matter how I look at it, people say "Well, you're trans so you ARE a woman.  You have the brain of one." Pfft, I walk like a guy, I talk like a guy, I notice few visual details like a guy, and I look like a guy. I can ask about my 'brain' all I want but what if it's not my brain but me just chasing after some unrealistic dream while I try to fight for a fantasy? Even if I transitioned, I'd never have a period, never be capable of giving birth, never have a family truly see me as a woman, they'd just call me that out of sympathy AT BEST (if they ever came around to begin with). I'd never have a truly supportive shoulder to cry on, landing a job would be nearly impossible, and I'd be looked down upon by most everyone. And to top it off, I can't even cry over any of this. I just feel a small ache in my chest but apparently I don't care enough to cry, or I"m too disassociated from this subject for me to show any emotion to begin with. Maybe I'm just some hyper-sensitive kid with his head in the clouds and wishing for what he can't have, finding out the reality of it all, trying to ignore it, and getting slapped so slightly and realizing something so insignificant can hinder my resolve. I know you're probably tired of hearing my whining, but I feel like I need to be heard. By someone.

Here's a surprise, women come in all shapes, sizes, colours, likes, dislikes etc etc.. I was Mother of the Bride at a wedding back in July and thought I'd scored a perfect pass.. Nope, apparently at some point I was standing with my legs slightly spread, much like a man - and I was spotted doing it.. The person who spotted it mentioned it to the bride (my adopted daughter) who looked at her and said, 'Probably sore feet, mum's not used to heels.'

Some women don't have periods and some can't carry a child, it doesn't make them less of a woman - nor does it make me less of a woman. Family can surprise you, mine did. As did the friends I've known for years..  The only sympathy I've gotten is for waiting so long... Oh and when my GF died earlier this year. 

QuoteI've got so much going for me, why is it that I'm supposed to choose to throw it all away when I can't even be sure that's what I want? Sometimes I wish someone would just come by and beat me around a few times and hard enough to nearly knock me unconscious. Maybe then my mind would be clear enough to think without all this baggage.

You certainly seem to have some self acceptance issues, as has been mentioned by others. I'd suggest some time with a gender therapist, mine has been some of the best money I've spent - not that transition has been horrendously expensive for me.. Hormones do also give a little perspective..

I don't have much in the way of baggage any more - I made it my therapists problem.

Hey Noiro I have a very important detail for you in addition to agreeing with most of the above.

Ok, you are worried about the voice, the appearances and the mannerisms and all of the usual stuff that cis women 'get for free'.

What is it you expect to get if you had all of that though?

The reason I ask, is, because I have the same self doubts, but we all do, but more importantly, my sister (who I have mentioned before) she's oh so female alright, she is A. blonde (and all the stupid stigma that came with it) and B. drop dead gorgeous (I have SEEN guys drool looking at her when she was young, actually drool, it is not impossible eh).

My sister, she could be said to have it all. She great looking, in great health and she is a VERY smart woman. What she doesn't know about insurance is not worth knowing. She's worked in this line of work for decades. She's almost 50 and nope, no Mr Right even though she's meant plenty of Mr Wrongs and Mr Didn't-work-outs.

You don't get anything magical with a great female body.

You are approaching 20, hell your life hasn't even begun and you are thinking of discarding it?

Here is another truth a lot of us have to come to grips with in time. Time, it makes all of us eventually old wrinkled less than ideal looking
I can assure you you look just fine.
I can also assure you you don't really know what you would look like as a female as most of us simply have no real skill at it without practice.
But I have seen before and after images of friends that went from male to female, and it is rather shocking actually.
They don't even look remotely like the same person when they actually put some effort into the process.

And it WILL take effort. None of this is going to be easy. Yer 20, I bet you thought high school was long and hard Hah a few measly years
It will likely take me 4 years just to unscrew up my wardrobe.

I'm not even going to waste time on my voice. Hey I don't think it is that important. I like to listen to my songs on my mp3 player while out walking and I mouth the words as if it is me singing, but nope, I will never sound like Celine Dion even when she has a bad cold hehe.

I have a neck size that is totally hell on my looks. Likely will never solve that. I'm at least short for cliche though. I'm condemned to wear a wig, but I recently found out how dramatically better I can look with one on. You never know till you try some things.
I found out I look like granny in a night gown. Old overweight and not sexy Some things are just not going to cooperate

It's sad we can never experience menstrual cycles, and I can assure you cis females would thing our being sad about it makes us insane
I know what it feels like to have trouble crying, you have simply focused on the grief too long. I know first hand about that.
You need to let it go. And no it won't be easy, it isn't for me.

There are people here though that can get you through all of this stuff that is bugging you.
You WANT the rest of your life eh.

There is something you can do that's easy too.
Find a coffee shop, and watch all the females coming and going. Now be harsh, and give them all ratings of 1 through 10 for attractiveness. You will be surprised, that when you really acknowledge it, most women will hate how they look too. Most cis females are no happier with their bodies than any of us are.

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading about "giving up" and all of the positive comments all of you have made.  As I stated in an earlier post, I am 57 years old and just started HRT a year ago.  Like many of you, I would guess, I have known something was "a little fishy" about my sexuality since I was 4.  I suppressed it through 30 years of marriage and 2 children.  My wife and I have been separated for almost 5 years and are working toward finally getting a divorce.  I am still working and living mostly in boy mode. I should mention, and this is important, that a sex change is not in the offing and never will be.  In August, my 24 year old daughter's phone broke, and while a new one was on the way, I let her use one of my old ones.  How was I to know that my current emails would be sent to both my current phone AND the one she was using!  Anyway, she found out about me, and to make a long and sad story short, she was NOT pleased.  She, of course told my wife (who already knew) and it has been miserable to be around them both since.

Here are my issues:  1. I have a 16 year old son, whom if I tell, will be devastated.  I actually made an effort to tell him and when I go to the point of telling him my big secret, he said he didn't want to know.  My feeling is that he thinks I am gay, and these days gay is "in".  Transsexualism is definitely not "in".  My therapist told me that I have to respect his wishes not to know.  This is a quandary to be sure.  Has anyone had anything similar happen with older teens?                Issue 2.  For some reason lately, I have been thinking of my own mortality.  With no one in my life, no real friends, kids who will forsake me, what happens if I end up needing care?  What if I end up in a nursing home?  My driver's license lists me as "F", I have fairly pronounced breasts, and I look, quite politely, like a freak.  I know how it is at these places and the type of "care" one receives.  My particular case would be difficult at best in a situation like this.  Do any of you ever think really, really long term?  I'd love to know.   Michele

Separated 5 years? I consider that the same as divorced but without the document.

I would not worry overly long about the son, and I am just guessing the boy is just being a cliche teen and doesn't want any more hassle than being a teen already is. Gay or not gay TG or not TG, I doubt it would improve his school life.

The daughter likely simply doesn't know what it is to be you. Also likely doesn't know enough about the situation with the defacto ex.

Me personally, I think it is time you pulled yourself out of a lost situation. The wife is gone, the daughter is an adult, the son is going to get over it and you sound like you are already transitioned, you just haven't claimed it.

I would stop worrying about elderly care though. Lousy paces treat all the people there lousy, so plan to have a plan in place eh. And start making those plans based on the defacto ex being gone the daughter might get her head together as she matures and hopefully the son escapes the teen years like most eventually do.

The world is full of people who will want you, there is little point forsaking people that WILL accept you for staying with people who won't.

And yes, I think in long term. I have raised my son to be a great kid, because some day I might need him. My mother has nothing to fear from her advanced years, as she raised 3 kids that won't allow her to feel alone.

We all eventually have to deal with our choices.

Quote from: Megan on October 18, 2013, 07:12:17 PM
Have you seen a therapist? Like devlyn said you seem to have a lot of self confidence issues. These need to be worked out with the help of a professional.

+1 on this

You need to see a therapist. They'll help you find out what the truth is behind what you want. As for the rest? Go read the "What does it mean to be a girl?" thread.

I understand the whole I just wanna give up and keep on keep on, I've even taken time away from these forums just to give me some time to think. A friend of mine suggested that I just take a month off and not worry about if I am transgendered or not and if they feelings are still there then try to move forward with it.

So maybe just take some time for "yourself" do things you enjoy, and try to just relax, and if you find those feelings are still nagging then go see a Therapist as people said. I know I need it! 

Good luck!