Hello everyone. This is a little story about me, my past, my present, and my possible future. A 24 year old "guy", 5'7, small frame, 130, who tries to live every day as if everything is okay. I try to pretend it's all fine and that I can be content enough just being like this. Just existing. Just being a so called guy. Going day by day doing nothing too important, not much at least. Sometimes I may meet someone special, sometimes a good friend, sometimes not, sometimes I wont feel like doing much of anything at all really.
So how was I back then? In the good old days? I grew up not really fitting in with too many people. There were times when I had a lot of friends, but then periods of not having any friends at all.
I remember when I was 11 it was so fun in the summer time. My strong social anxiety, nervousness, thoughts of self perception and how people would view me would for a while be in the back of my mind as I finally made some friends. How was this possible? Well because I got a new haircut of course. I got a new one from the one I always had as a child and all of a sudden people liked me more. Girls would talk to me, guys would talk to me, I would make friends. It was amazing what a good haircut did for my social life and self confidence. My appearance improved so much. I would still be incredibly shy around girls though and never knew how to talk to them but not around guys. I didnt have much to say to girls. I'd be way too shy so female friends would be few and far between. I adored these girls but my mind would turn blank if I ever thought of talking to them. So I got along better with the guys since they were just ''guys'' and I didn't have crushes on them. Prior to my new haircut I looked pretty average I guess and I never cared how I looked like until then. I didn't care too much about myself until then. I didn't really have any friends up til that point and spent a lot of time alone. I didn't care about most sports the way a lot of the guys did but I did participate in some.
With my new cute haircut (something like a mushroom cut back then) I suddenly felt like I was on top of the world at times or at least on top of the neighborhood
. I'd be soo cute and I'd stare at myself in the mirror. People would be so much friendlier and I'd go outside since we had this huge park surrounding our two buildings. We'd play baseball, ride our bikes, go swimming and whatever else. I was actually having fun for once. Real fun and with people who I enjoyed spending time with. I had 3 friends who I liked the most and they would spend the most time with me. One was one year younger than me and was like a brother to me kind of. The other two were italian brothers with slightly dark skin, they were 10 and 12. They were both very much into soccer. The older one we can call him... Frank would start hitting on me. Although I didn't even know it at the time. I didn't know what to think of it. He would say stuff casually like ''hey give me your number and we can go out some time'' while pucking his lips sending me kisses through the air. He would laugh and I would give a tiny smile. I wouldn't know what to say and I thought he was just joking around. It turned out he really liked me though and he would hit on me in various ways and start saying ''I love you'' when he would see me and I would just give a shy smile. His little brother would do it too. It was pretty cute.
I started to think about them one night and expecially Frank the older one. I knew that I was attracted to them too but I guess I just didn't want to accept it or just didn't think about it. I had too much anxiety about them joking around and if I showed that I liked them too maybe someone would insult me. I'm not sure but I know many things were going through my mind. I began to really appreciate them and realize just how beautiful they were. They were so damn cute and at that age so many of us were so effeminine anyway. It was easy to be attracted to them but I never felt confused. I knew that I loved girls but I felt these guys were so cute regardless. I never felt that I might be gay or even bi. When I saw older women on tv I found them gorgeous and sexually attractive but men... never. I thought men were gross. I was in a fun time of my life though. I could fantasize about these boys and I knew it was just an age thing. Many of us were cute during that age anyway regardless of gender. Expecially the europeans
.
I started to be a bit more bold and finally say "I love you'' back to these pretty boys. Frank with his longgg shiny brown hair expecially had my attention. We would say ''I love you'' in public even in front of our other friends and even hug eachother. It all felt so natural too. No one would say anything eighter. We were all so free back then. In our own little summer time paradise. Free from hate, intolerance, prejudice and just about anything associated with mainstream conservatism. We were free to do whatever we wanted and that feeling was just priceless. There was no gay, there was no bi, there was no straight, it was just our little summer time. I was so happy that summer. It is one that I hope to never forget.
During that age I would be surprised at how many guys liked me in ''that'' sort of way. I am sure girls did too as they would come up and talk to me but I would be too damn shy to say much. Ugh I felt like such a baffoon at times because I adored these girls and I wanted a gf. Expecially one of those gorgeous Italian girls but it was the guys who hit on me the most and it even ruined one of my friendships because he was making me really uncomfortable. This guy wasn't from my neighborhood but was a school friend and was a good friend for the most part but when he started coming on to me too much I said something rude about him to someone else which got relayed back to him. Since then he would turn against me but also turn some of my other friends against me. For a moment I felt really alone for a period of time but things were still better than grades 1 through 6 where I had very few friends if any.
When Highschool began things were different. I chose to go to a difficult catholic highschool in a good neighborhood compared to a low class trashy easy public highschool in a bad neighborhood. Most of my friends all attended different schools but 3 of my remaining friends would go to the public school. So the catholic school was like starting over. I felt if I went to the trashy school I would have to deal a lot with bullies and what not since I had to deal with that a bit in my earlier years. The school was also known for a lot of crime and drug use etc but in the end I would regret my decision so much since I didn't make any new friends at this Catholic school. Also I looked like an idiot in the stupid uniform they had us wear. I was kind of thin back then, I always had a small frame and the stupid uniform accentuated that fact. So I looked like a little dork. My beautiful sexy hair? It was a bit damaged from using gel during winter time. Silly me but no one would tell me those kinds of things and my mom refused to let me use her blowdryer. So my hair was not as beautiful as it once was. At least for a while. So there I was an ordinary thin small kind of guy with no friends. I had high hopes which diminished. I hated that stupid uniform and my social anxiety would come back in a tremendous way. I always had it but now it was fierce. My selfconcious thoughts came more frequently, I would get nervous in social situations, I would be extra shy, it was that kind of hell all over again. Certian people insulting me for being a loner or a ''loser'' or whatever the hell it was they called me didn't make matters any easier.
The school was rediculously hard with a really stupid system. Instead of having 4 courses for one semester we would have 8 courses throughout the entire year. One day we go to these 4 classes and the next day we go to these OTHER 4 classes. It was annoying and it meant extra studying as now you had to memorize all this stupid crap for not only 4 subjects but actually for 8. With the heavy load of homework and my dissatisfaction about myself I felt very unmotivated and decided early on that I would have to change schools. I passed maybe 5 out of 8 courses that year. Most of which in 50's to low 60's.
For that one school year I lived with my dad who is divorced from my mom. It was near the school so I felt why not at least it will be more convenient. It was incredibly boring there though and my dad wasn't the nicest person to be around. He wouldn't buy much food eighter so I had to eat any kind of junk I found in the fridge or often just not eat which didn't do good for my appearance. I was skinny enough as it is.
I moved back with my mom who now lived in a new neighborhood than North York. A rich jewish neighborhood which also had a lot of asians and persians. It was a beautiful condominium in _______. Being a small town I felt it would be too quiet in this sort of neighborhood as I love big cities such as Toronto.
****
This new public highschool was so much better than that hideous rediculous place I had attended before. People were a lot friendlier too. Perhaps friendlier isn't the right word but people were less likely to be arrogant or rude. There weren't many school fights or big drug problems that you might hear about in certian schools. We had a no tolerance policy where little things could get you suspended and because of it almost no one ever did. It was a bit boring though. I found most of the students to have very little personality and what passed for humor I found to be pretty juvenille.
This was a point in my life where I had to really start thinking about my future and I didn't really know where I would be 5 or 10 years down the line. Dreams? Aspirations? What did I even enjoy? I had a passion for movies, photography, film making, and most importantly feminine girls. I wanted to get to know girls at this school but I felt everyone was just so f------ immature at this age and of course my social anxiety was still strong. The girls who I had most respect for were lesbian girls anyway. Or girls who were at least bi and willing to be with other girls. I saw a lot of this in my previous catholic highschool where there would be at least 7 incredibly beautiful girls in each classroom (europeans). The girls would have these sexy kilts with pantyhose and an elegant white top. It was difficult for most of these girls to somehow not look beautiful. So girls kissing girls or fooling around with eachother was very common and normal. I would envy them so much as I felt they were so privileged to be beautiful women and be able to appreciate such beauty in other women as well. They would flaunt their sexuality and kiss in the hallways and they didn't give a damn what anyone thought. It was beautiful. "What the hell are you starring at Andy??". I would say nothing as I passed them by.
I would feel that what on earth would these girls need men for? Men are a--holes. Men are pigs. Men are scum. Men are violent. Men are angry. Men commit crimes. Men start wars. Men occupy 97% of the prison population. I experienced throughout my life many times of men or boys being cruel. They would do things that girls wouldn't do. It wasn't a woman who stole my bike.... it was men. It wasn't a girl who would call me names in the hallway... it would be some guy. It wasn't a woman who hit my mom it was my dad.
I didn't feel I was sexist I felt I was rational and that women being as wonderful as they are would be too tolerant of these pigs as it would be their nature to be so forgiving. The way the guys would talk about women and want to ''->-bleeped-<- them and drop them'' was just disgusting. I felt frustration and even anger towards men who would treat women improperly. They should be happy to have these women put up with them but instead they just would treat them like some piece of meat and take them for granted. Growing up I witnessed far too many examples of men/boys being vulgar, decietful, hateful, arrogant, violent, that it just repulsed me but at the same time it would also allow me to appreciate myself since I knew I was nothing like them.
I felt at least when I have a girl who I love I will show her the way she deserves to be treated. I would cherish her in a way that no other man ever could. On the inside I would feel very passionate, emotional, sensitive, caring, nurturing, and in some ways even feminine (but I wouldn't think of it that way at the time). I felt I was very different from anyone else and I wondered if I would ever meet a girl who I could relate to, if I'd ever meet someone who was like me or just trully appreciated me for who I was. I didn't feel like a typical guy. Girls would often be attracted to the athletic strong arrogant type and the other girls who actually did like me I felt like I didn't know what to say. I felt so akward about myself. I didn't want to be masculine but that is how everyone expected me to be. Once I wore some really sexy metrosexual shirts and some people started calling me a ->-bleeped-<-. Or if I did my eyebrows too nicely I'd be called a ->-bleeped-<- by somebody as well. I had no interest in any guys in this damn school but people would judge me on my appearance. Oh do I look too pretty? Let's call me a ->-bleeped-<-. Whatever. I wanted to be good looking in the only way I knew how. I wanted to be beautiful but I was a f------ guy. Not a beautiful lesbian girl whom would never have to deal with these ''men''.
I didn't have hardly any friends at this school for the most part. During my final year I felt more open, less shy, more bold, more talkative, more social which was such a shame that this came out of me so late. I started to dress in my sexy clothes and I didn't give a ->-bleeped-<- what some ->-bleeped-<- called me. At least I tried to tell myself that but it would always bother me in the back of my mind. Regardless I would start making a few friends and not be the ''mysterious quiet'' type anymore. Some classes maybe but in others I would talk, I would be social, and I would develop some self confidence. In parenting class I felt if I told some girls I had ''experiences'' with guys it would make a bridge towards some possible friendships. These girls would then talk to me more as they felt I guess in a way that I was ''like them'' somehow. I didn't know how to explain it so I would say "I'm straight but I dont mind certian pretty boys" lol. After them learning this about me all of sudden they would talk to me a lot more (even though I didn't find any guys in that school attractive to me). I felt bold enough to mention this about myself and it didn't matter to me that maybe 10 people heard it or more. No one there insulted me for it and it felt comfortable in that room full of girls and few guys. Not because I was telling anyone I wanted to be a girl but because I was able to reveal something so private about myself for once and be confident enough in myself to say it. Something that brought me closer to these girls. In a way I guess it made me feel slightly like I was one of them. "Yeah guys are scum tell me about it, lol".
I hated the ''male'' gender but for the most part I tried not to think about it. I knew there must be some nice decent guys out there who dont treat women like garbage... I mean all men cant be worthless pigs right? Sexism against men didn't cross my mind a lot. I wasn't consumed by it but it was something that was a part of me. Is it sexism? Or is it just reality? Most men are pigs I felt and still do feel that is how they are.
I would also think about how so many wonderful girls there must be who choose not to attempt relationships with other women due to society and general upbringing. Friends, family, co-workers who wouldn't approve. There is so much hate, ignorance, intolerance, directed towards gays/lesbians/bisexuals in general thanks to the christian culture of hate towards anyone who is different. It's not just bad christians who cause this but ignorant people in general. So many of these people are born into that way of thinking. Hateful intolerant individuals often raise similar kinds of hatemongers. We live in a world where so many do not know the simple fact that people are born the way they are and that sexuality is not a choice. They dont even teach that in schools! Certianly not in any that I have attended. I remember my 9th grade gym teacher telling us that homosexuality is about someone having ''a certian sexual preferance''. What the hell is that supposed to mean? We grow up being taught by these kinds of people. There are so many important things they could teach us about humanity, acceptance, tolerance, simple facts of life but instead we learn about things most of us will never use or even remember.
One of the most beautiful moments I recall from my highschool years was when I saw two girls holding eachother and kissing in the hallway. They weren't the most attractive girls, typical guys would call them ''ugly" but there they were. Standing near the middle of the hall embracing eachother in a wonderful, beautiful, tender moment. It's like they were in their own little world where everything was just beautiful and nothing would stop them. This wasn't just some kiss it was bold, it was something that trully put me in awe. I could see the happiness on their faces as I walked by. Some jerks would laugh but I focused on these girls as I turned around. I was so proud of them and so happy for them. They didn't care who saw them. They just simply loved eachother. It made me think how beautiful they would be in eachother's eyes. When you love someone dont they appear more beautiful? For me that has been the case. It was wonderful how these girls cherished one another. Just from their expressions I could tell this wasn't just some kiss. It was part of being alive.
In general I just felt happy whenever I saw two women together opposed to when I saw a girl with a guy. I would begin to trully wish that I was that girl. Some pretty girl smiling at another after a soft kiss. They would hold eachother's hand. How happy they must be I thought, to know that they dont need men. Then I thought they are probably enjoying eachother's company too much to even think of such things.
Now we are reaching the present. Not yet but we are getting there. The only time I have ever trully been happy being a guy was when I was in love with a romanian girl named Dana. We met on some online chatroom and as we started talking about life, love, and anything in general we realized how similar we really were. I was only 18 back then. She was 21. We were worlds apart but we were able to share so much with eachother and she really accepted me for me. I could be as feminine as I wanted to with her and she loved me for it. She loved that about me. She adored how I would be so romantic, compassionate, emotional, loving, caring, nurturing, and the silly cute things I would tell her. She said I was unlike any guy she ever met. We shared many of the same thoughts and views about everything in general. We would talk so much and within one day we told eachother "I love you". She said she was so happy to have met me and we would have our little tears of joy together. She said how she was so horribly depressed before and even wanted to kill herself and that I made her feel better than she ever has in her life. I loved her so much even that early on. I felt trully happy for once in my life. I felt so alive. I was her girly boy or something
. I wish I could remember everything about that first day but I can't. I have it all saved on a disk but it's difficult to look at any of it.
She eventually would come to Canada to visit me after many months. She had an aunt there that she was able to stay with and we would finally meet in person. It makes me cry to think of how incredible it was when I first saw her in front of my eyes. I never felt I would meet anyone as perfect as her. Looking back at her photos now she wasn't incredibly beautiful but I was so in love that for me she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was a goddess. People say how there is no such thing as a perfect relationship to that I say bull----. We would spend so much time together. Almost every waking moment. We were inseperable. She was my world, she was my life and the greatest joy for me was seeing her happy. She seemed to feel the exact same way. For those days it was perfect and never during that time or the entire year prior did we ever get into an arguement over anything. I mean if you completely trully love someone how could you ever get angry at them? How could you ever hurt the one whom you love so much? It was the best days of my life. We did everything together. Anything from going to the park to doing grocery shopping for her aunt. Every moment no matter how simple was priceless. She made me feel for once that it was fine that I was a guy because I was hers. I was her guy, I was her ''man''. She knew I wanted to be a girl but with her I didn't even think about it too much. We talked about marriage a long time ago. Long before we met in person. During the days of internet chatting and phone conversations we told eachother we wanted to get married. She would tell me so many times how happy she was to be marrying me and we would even talk about it more when she was here visiting. We would fantasize about our perfect beautiful little ceramony by the beach among other possible locations as we held eachother. This fantasy though would not last.
This beautiful dream came to an end. The first part of it was when she revealed to me that she was already married and how she couldn't abandon him. I was so shocked and my heart would be pounding. We would talk about it and eventually she would say something like ''I will leave him. I have to leave him. I will deffinetly leave him. I love you with all my heart.". She would then tell me horrible things about him and what he had done to her. He was a disgusting man. A typical worthless pig who did disgusting things that I cannot repeat. We got through that day and we would try not to talk about him too much. We would talk about us and our future. She told me she would spend the rest of her life with me.
Fast forward a bit and we get to the end of this dream. Which was perfect up until then. The most difficult part for me to remember is how it all ended. I was in an accident and was recovering at the hospital. This was a time when she had already gone back to Romania. She said she would come back after she dealt with her husband and got a divorce then she would become a canadian citizen and we would get married. When I got out of the hospital I would check my email. One of the last things she wrote to me was how she was taking some kind of medication for a condition she had and how she wasn't feeling like herself. She sounded so sad and said she been crying so much. I was really worried. There was another letter after that and it was a more happy letter. One of her more usual love letters. I was glad to see that she was doing better. I tried to find her online in our chat program that we always used, Mirc. I could not find her online so I just called her. The number was out of service. I called her aunt and she told me nothing of where dana was. She and her aunt never got along well so I tried not to think much of it. I tried to remain optimistic but after a week of dana not being online and not sending me any emails after I sent her countless ones... I began to really worry. Did something happen to her? Did she decide to leave me? Has her husband successfully manipulated her into staying with him? Did that medication cause something awful to happen to her? I did research on the medication she told me she took and it turns out that the medication was known to be toxic and was taken off the market in various countries. I didn't know what to think. Her aunt never told me anything and would tell me she doesnt know where dana was.
I began to accept that she left me and the emotional pain was tremendous. I would cry for weeks if not months. Perhaps a few months later (not sure exactly) I managed to find another number. One that she gave me long ago. I found it as I was going through our old chat logs. I began to get excited and delusional. I tried to convince myself that there had to be some positive explanation for all this. So I called and someone would answer. I could have sworn it was her voice. The person would hang up. And this would always be the case. Hang up. Over and over. I tried calling on different days because I wanted closure. Why did she leave? I wanted a reason but I also wanted her. I felt I couldn't let her go and I just loved her so much. How could she do this to me? Without even saying anything? Without even saying goodbye or a reason why? Why couldn't we still be friends? Just to have her in my life in some way? Eventually she accepted one of my calls and told me that ''It hurts to much to talk''. I dont even know if she said ''sorry''. I can't remember. She sounded so lifeless. She didn't sound anything like she did before. I asked her to please tell me why, that I loved her no matter what, and she just wouldn't tell me anything. Those last words were so few and I was still hoping that she would be with me.
****Present Time****
Now lets fast forward some years and we reach the present. Since my accident I have not been the same. I used to be full of hopes and dreams but I have just been tired of myself. Unsatisfied with me. I dont even think I look too attractive anymore. Depends on the angle I guess! Sometimes when I feel more positive I feel I am very attractive but other times not as much. It is hard for me to tell. I am not attracted to guys (except a very select few effeminine types) so it hard for me to judge my appearance.
Do I look handsome? Do I look sexy? Am I cute? Am I appealing? Am I pretty? Do I look too young? Do I look gay? Damned if I trully knew. I do know that gay people like me a lot. They always hit on me and I seem to attract young guys for some reason. I do look very young for my age and I certianly do not look masculine. At least I usually do not. So this creates complex. Most women like Masculine looking guys. They dont want a ''boy'' and me I look very young. I am 5'7, 130, small frame, boyish face, who the hell would I attract? Most women my age don't want me but I hate lying. I am sick of pretending I am 20 or something and trying to meet 20 year old girls. I wonder sometimes what girl would want me? What girl would find me attractive? Gay guys love me and teen boys want to ->-bleeped-<- me but I am so sick of that. I only find a select few of those young guys attractive (no ''men'') and that is on a rare occasion. I want a woman and how can I have a woman to love if I cannot trully be myself and if most women dont want a girly kind of guy?
I guess the internet is good for those of us who do not fit into the usual norm. I can speak to anyone any way I like and I can try to be myself but the reality is that I do not enjoy being a guy. I often outright completely hate it.
One of the happiest moments for me in these recent years is fantasizing about me being a lesbian girl. A sweet, kind, beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, tender, loving girl. I would lay in bed thinking about the latest The L Word episode and just imagine myself as some new girl in the group and how happy I would be. I would be Julie and I would be so sweet and lovable and full of love. I would be so free and I would have this group of friends who would be like a family of these wonderful girls who loved me, appreciated me and I was so grateful. So incredibly grateful that I was this girl and that I was surrounded by these women who loved me as much as I loved them. I would create my own little life in this world. Every night when I went to sleep and I would have such a big smile on my face until I trully became too tired and drifted away.
***
There is so much more to say but it is so hard to think of the words. I forget a lot sometimes about all the reasons why I want to be a girl. I often try to bury it away in the back of my mind and just focus on what is in front of me and enjoy what I have in my life. Try to just be content or happy enough like this usually. I want to be a girl so much but I'd wonder how real would transitioning be for me? I dont want to be a girl with a dick. I dont want to be a transexual. I just want to be a real f------ girl. I couldnt care less if I have a dick. I dont care about reaching orgasm with a penis. I would want to just be a girl. A real girl. Perhaps at my age of 24 it may be too late if I even did choose to undergo hormones. The most natural transitions are of people from a young age. Some of those girls who transitioned early on look so natural and incredible. Trully a sight to behold. You cant even tell those girls are transexuals. Me? I dont know. I dont have a lot of money to fully change my life at this point. I have a lousy online job with not much pay and currently live with a few members of my family. I have lived away from my family before but they provide a certian amount of security even though I dont get along too well with them at times. They would probably disown me if I wanted to transition so they would be out of my life and I often dont really have anyone else that I can trully rely on. These days I have more friends than say 4 years ago so I wouldn't be entirely alone if certian people chose to never speak to me again but I dont want to live with uncertianty. Remaining just the way I am at least provides me with some security. Transitioning just seems like such a tremendously difficult process. I dont know if I can handle all that and just changing my entire life... losing my family, losing friends, starting all over... it's like climbing the highest mountain.
I want to be a real girl, not a transexual. I know a lot of tgirls do escorting to help pay for it but I dont think I could ever bring myself to do that. I hate men enough as it is. At my age of 24 I am very worried that maybe I would not be completely passable and what about my voice? It just seems like so much stress to go through and thinking about it stresses me enough. I dont want to be one of those tgirls who looks ''different'' and guys want her because they know she may have a dick. I just want to be a real girl but I seen those vaginas of post-op transexuals. I seen them on some websites. To me they dont look real so I just dont know. When I would be having sex with another girl it may be easy for her to notice that something would be wrong with my ''vagina''. Too much uncertianty. To be a real girl for me might be just a fantasy perhaps. Like that beautiful world that I used to imagine before going to bed each night.
Among the new people who I have met this year one girl expecially has inspired me to write all this. She is a sweet girl who means a lot to me. She is an MTF and we have much in common in regards to what we have experienced in our lives. When I see her smile or laugh it is such a beautiful sight. To see her finally living her life and being the girl that she has always wanted to be is wonderful. She has her doubts but dont we all? I am very proud of her and I know that one day she will be just as proud of herself.
In general everyone who we meet shapes us in one way or another. Sometimes in very subtle ways and sometimes not. I am very glad to have met her. Regardless of what decision I make it is good that I will never be alone. Most things we do in life are best done with someone by our side, otherwize it would be all the more difficult.
Perhaps my strong desire to be a woman wont matter much if I am swept off my feet by that certian special girl. I have been living in this body for so long perhaps I might as well make the best of it and see how it goes. I dont want to be male but transitioning may not cure everything expecially for me. If society was more educated it would be so much easier for so many of us wouldn't it? Perhaps then I wouldn't lose my family. Sometimes I want to transition, but other times it just seems unbearable. Regardless of what happens in my so called reality and the choices I make... I am who I am and if someone doesn't like it they can kiss my jolly cute ass
. I know I am a good person and at least I can be that guy who treats women the way they deserve to be treated. At least I could the one to trully make her feel special. Perhaps. We shall see.
