Since this pretty much relates to my start in this section,i figured this was the best place to put it.If anyone feels it belongs elsewhere then please move it accordingly.
The reason i placed (Possible Trigger Warning) is because of the content in this topic and i wanted to be very clear there.I want everyone to be comfortable and know that i also have my triggers,so i understand.
First i want to start off by saying that it has been alittle over a year since i found the information that changed my life.Finding information on being Trans*,i found many things and one of those things was this site/forum.When i first found this place,i was still somewhat ignorant *lacking knowledge but not on purpose* and i spent a good week or so just reading everyones topics,experiences and so
on.So i was pretty much a lurker before i officially joined.During my membership here,i have went through alot of stages and alot of soul searching.Some good and some bad.I used to be an optimist and lived most my life on this and even during the hardest of times/pain.I found myself taken advantage of the most during this time because regardless of what was done/said,i would still look on *the bright side* and of course,im glad to see people who are an
optimist.It was at this point in my life that i gained the extreme case of anxiety and rage.Mainly because i seen it as *so with my high hopes,people have no problem crushing them and me then have no remorse?* so over time i evolved into a pessimist.All those hopes,dreams and good outcomes,just flew out the window.And this out look revolved around everything and not just transition.Its true that finding out who i really am had lifted the major depressive disorder but the pessimist in me didnt want to let go of the bad.There were times that i was on the forum and trigger *wasnt due to anything here* and my blog happened to be my target for that trigger.Every peice of logic went out the window along with my mind and even though i regret breaking a rule and have found a way to make sure that doesnt happen anymore *dealing with those triggers better* i was in a way happy that i did trigger on said blog.I didnt mentally target a person but self and general *bad people* from my past,and projected that onto my fingers and not my
fists.So im kind of happy that i let that psychotic rage burn with letters and not toward someone that could really be hurt from it.That being said,after many triggers and having to realize my weakness and my inability to control it,i became a realist.With the more information i had got as well regarding being transgender,my weakness mentally and my entire life,i was able to accept the bad-remember the good-and focus on what i CAN do and not what i cant.There was never any doubt of who i was once i finally learned but i did doubt many other things and the journey to acceptance wasnt easy or a two step process.Ill get to the point of this topic but i wanted to put myself out there so that people could understand what kind of person i am when i post or talk to them.Its true im an realist but and its true that i do trigger with any form of confrontation/violence or anything i feel is in a harming way *words or actions,doesnt matter* but i am very big on respect and feel that all deserve it and i am also big on honesty.I want to be the person who *respectfully* tells someone the honest truth,and let people know that they can always depend on me to give them what they deserve as human beings.Many are so used to being lied to and for many of the sillest reasons *im saving your feelings,well i didnt want you to think bad* and many more that i have heard.But i KNOW the truth only burns while a lie leaves a scar that will never heal *towards that person anyway* and i refuse to let anyone think that i cant be trusted or depended on.But i also dont give honesty with cruelity.I feel that anyone who uses *honesty* as a means to purposely hurt people while coming off as bad ***,is not being honest but being just that--cruel.Also like the whole *im going to mask my bad side with something good and i will never have to worry about back lash*.To me this is just another form of emotional abuse (but thats me and a convo for another time)
So the point behind this topic is to say that I am thankful for the effort of those who have been supportive and offered their shoulder,even if i havent taken up that offer *YET* but mine is always open and encourage anyone to use it.Just keep in mind that the things i post on here are in NO way mean,cruel or disrespectful even if it stings.I am just a very different person and many of my long time friends have even told me and i agree *you are hard to know,hard to handle but easy to love once we do/can* and its very true.I have seen more then *most* 90 year olds,been through the grinder and back and also have the mental state of a monkey on drugs.Then again lol i have the learning ability of a 3rd grader *due to my birth defect* but the one thing i would never change about being me is the ability to love unconditionally,even with my wrecked mental state.
And also if i have ever offended anyone,then please know that,that was never my intent but to be very honest in a respectful way (i am used to disrespect,and many other negative things) .I want to say thank you to susans and everyone on it for putting up with my trigger,allowing me to grow and learn.And no matter the future,i can take the things i have learned here with me.Hugs to you all and i wish you ALL the best things that life has to offer!
