Hi All!

Well here I am - after much prodding from my therapist to interact with others around my gender journey. And, as is likely the case with many of us, what a journey...

I am a middle aged person who has for most of my life struggled with the whole notion of gender. I appear male-bodied, but this just doesn't fit my experience. So I am female - right? Well, while this feels much closer to the mark than male, still there is something off in this descriptor too. End result? A whole lot of head scratching!

A couple years ago, this situation became near intolerable. I was beginning to recover from long term sex addiction, beginning to heal from a childhood of abuse, and instead of easy street, I found myself face to face with a host of very familiar gender questions that were now wanting their attention! Anxiety. Confusion. Depression.

With a lot of work and help, the above triad of emotion has now become workable. Days can still be tough, but they can also be okay. In this environment, I am beginning to explore in ways I haven't before - talking to a (very) few people, shifting how I present to the world, allowing myself to experience a little of my body as it actually feels to me, and coming here.

I am hoping to become a little bit more familiar with, comfortable in, and open about my skin. What actually is my experience? How can I relax with this? What is the best/most appropriate way to share this with others? Looking through posts, this seems a good (i.e.: safe and accepting) place to do this. So fingers crossed!

I look forward to meeting all of you.     

Welcome, Tanya.  You have found a *wonderful* place to explore and express yourself, in answer to your last paragraph.  The forums here are well moderated, the people supportive and really really knowledgeable. 

I know what it is like to deal with some issues and then suddenly have your true gender come up... I had to get through a *lot* of stuff in therapy before I was even ready to admit my trans status to *myself*... but acceptance of it and learning to talk about it have been very helpful, things I have learned from my time at Susan's.  My therapist doesn't spend nearly as much time with me as the people here have.

*hug* 

Welcome.  May you find yourself a home here, as so many others have.

Hi Tanya,

Welcome to our little family. Over 8163 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Janet  )O(

Hello Tanya, Thank you for saving me from being the newest newbie. Welcome. I can sure identify with most of the feelings you are going through. Hug. Joann

Welcome, Tanya!

I have yet to find a place safer or my accepting than this one right here. The people are beyond amazing. You are at home. Take your time, explore your questions. We're here to help. I promise 

::hugs::

-maggie

Quote from: Magdalena on October 25, 2013, 06:54:56 PM

The people are beyond amazing. You are at home. Take your time, explore your questions. We're here to help. I promise 

What an amazing series of word choices - 'home', 'time', 'explore', help', 'promise'. How frequently have these been authentically offered me? Well, more than I realize or admit, to be honest. Still it is WONDERFUL to receive them here. Many thanks. Perhaps with time and practice, being here will help me both realize and admit that the outer world is not quite as bad as I make it out to be...

With appreciations,

Hi, Tanya! 

You sound like a very intelligent and insightful individual.  It's good to ask yourselves those questions and really take a good look at who you are on the inside.  I am new here, and have had to ask myself those questions too lately.  Although, at first the question for me was just "WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME?!"

But there's nothing wrong with any of us.  This is just how we are.  The human experience is a complicated one, eh?

Make yourself at home Tanya.  Everyone is wonderful here.   This is a great place to just relax, learn, make friends and just be yourself while figuring everything out.   Welcome!

Quote from: ~Kai on October 26, 2013, 12:33:51 AM
at first the question for me was just "WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME?!"

Thanks for the welcome, Kai. This question has been a struggle for me too. It's shown up in any number of ways: confusion, self-doubt, anger, self-hatred, depression. Mostly, though, I know it through a one step removed feeling I have had with the rest of the world since forever. This is the feeling that has me standing on the edge of most crowds I have been part of, looking at the others (the 'men' and the 'women'), and wondering 'What the #@&^#!?'

So it feels good to be here where, already, that oh so familiar sense of fringe dwelling is dissolving a bit.

I can relate, Tanya. I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in, and never able to understand why I don't quite fit. So much self-hatred. Never did a day go by that I didn't say, "I hate myself" either aloud or just in my head. I could envision a way of killing myself at any time and often. It wasn't like making a plan, I could just rotate the situation (walking the dog, dinner with family, driving to work, etc.) a little and I'd finally be dead and out of my misery. Now I'm middle-aged and felt so alone despite family around the corner and several good friends.

Then I arrived here. It really was like coming home. It was, for the first time ever, really okay to be me, I didn't have to hide even from me. I rode the adrenaline high of that all week. Amazing stuff.

So, welcome home, sister.

::hugs::

-maggie

Hi Tanya! Welcome to the family baby. I was so glad to find a family where I could be myself as Maggie said. This family and the great information, caring, sharing and fun gave me the courage to start the process of transition. I am two months into HRT and nothing is stopping me from becoming who I should have been. A word of warning though....This place is so addictive and the friends real that I hardly ever leave this site. There is so much to do and learn time just rockets by!! So dig in, hang on and enjoy your new family. 

Hey Tanya! Welcome to the family! Everyone here is absolutely wonderful and take in everyone with open arms. And many of the people here have given me so much courage in such a short time

And as for your questions, everyone here I am sure will do their best to find the answers with you that you seek

What you guys said about "fringe dwelling" and being on the outside looking in, I can so relate to.  I would sometimes feel like I'm an alien.  I would feel so far removed from everyone else I wouldn't even feel human.  And I never got it, life.  It always kind of seemed to me that everyone else knew some kind of fundamental secrets about life that I wasn't aware of.  Everyone else seemed to know who they are, what they wanted, how to act, where they wanted to go in life and how to do it, and made it seem so easy and natural.  Sometimes I would wonder if there's some kind of crazy conspiracy against me and they've got me trapped in a constructed world where everyone's an actor, like the Truman show, and everyone watching to see when I'll crack. (yeah, I watch too many movies XP)

But anyway, yeah, you will find very quickly that those thoughts and feelings you once thought you were the only one who had are shared by many many people here.  Isn't wonderful to know you're not alone?

Hi and welcome to Susan's! 

I'm sure you'll find excellent information and excellent friends to talk to here.

You haven't just joined a site, but you have joined a family.

Tanya - I've seen many of your other posts, but missed your intro.

So ... HI!   

Hi Tanya, welcome to Susan's Place!  I missed your intro somehow, too. Must have been the night of the latest Staff party! See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn