Hi I'm jai. I'm biologically female, but since a young age I can remember hating that. About a year ago I went through an extremely depressive and self destructive time. I came out to my grandma, who I've lived with since birth. That didn't go well at all. She has gotten a little better over the past year, but she's not comfortable with me cutting my hair or wearing mens clothes. I'm 19 btw. I know I can do what ever I want, but she has never let me be free to wear what I want or even allowed me to cut my hair ( I had really long hair growing up) I just feel like the worlds going to end if I go against her wishes, I know that's unrealistic, but I just can't let go of the hold that she has on me. Any way, lately I have been feeling more and more like I can't live like a girl much longer. I don't think that I'm truly ftm, like I don't want a deep voice or beard, but I definitely don't want to be female. Like I hate my chest. Right now i bind but i know someday I want to get top surgery. Oh, this morning I noticed chest hair starting to grow :/ do you know what could cause that? I actually kind of like it, it's just weird, I'm not on t or anything.

Hi Jai, welcome to Susan's!

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Amy

Hi Jai! Welcome to the most special place on the net. You are not a member of a forum now, but a member of the family. I know first hand how it feels to be held back by family, but there comes a day where you have to say with respect that you are a different person than everyone else. It took me a long time to take my own words to heart, but once I did my whole world opened up and I felt 15 years younger. Everything about my life opened up and became more clear and enjoyable. Well, another welcome and look forward to hearing more about you on the site. Feel free to ask questions, rant, cry or share the good news. BIG HUG!! 

Hi Jai,

Welcome to our little family. Over 8108 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.


Janet  )O(

Hi Jai! 

Welcome to Susan's!
Like Jessica (who is my all time favorite sister and BFF) said, you're a member of a very large family of very carrying people that will take care of you  with any kind of information that you need and love. 

Quote from: Jai1993 on October 22, 2013, 11:38:55 AM
Oh, this morning I noticed chest hair starting to grow :/ do you know what could cause that? I actually kind of like it, it's just weird, I'm not on t or anything.

Hi Jai,
Welcome!
It's actually quite common for biological women to grow hairs on their chest/breasts. It might be caused by hormone imbalance but usually it is normal, just rarely talked about!

Hi, Jai.  I'm Kai.  Welcome to MIB headquarters.    (Sorry, I couldn't help myself XD hahahaha)  *rolls around on floor in amusement*

*Ahem* Ah, yes, anyways. I'm 27, also female, but never been too happy about it.  I've only recently started thinking about transitioning.  Although like you I donno how I feel about having to shave my face for the rest of my life, lol. 

That must be rough having to deal with your grandma. I can imagine how it must be.  I haven't actually come out to anyone in my family yet.  I am scared to.   Most of my family is pretty open minded and I think would understand, but my dad and grandparents are very religious and VERY homophobic and if I were to come out and tell them that their "normal" straight daughter/granddaughter has decided to live the rest of her life as a gay man, well, that wouldn't go over well at all. *cringe* And honestly it's not something I really wanna deal with.  But it sucks, because if I do decide I want to transition, I will have a really hard choice to make.  Whether to bite the bullet and tell them and risk being scorned and disowned by them or try to just live as both until they kick the bucket (which is sad to think about, but that's life I guess).

But I would say, since she already knows, and since you sound like you have very strong feelings about it, just do what you wanna do.  You're an adult and I know it can be hard to pull away from the influence family can have on you, but trust me, you don't want to waste time trying to make everyone else happy.  That's impossible.   In the end, being happy with who you are is a lot more important than not making someone uncomfortable.  Hopefully she will come to accept it more as time goes by.  In the meantime, just give yourself some space to figure things out and try not to stress, and know there are kindred spirits here who are ready to offer you their support.

Also, (TMI WARNING!) I started growing weird random hairs around my nipples when I was around your age.  It's actually not that uncommon, I hear. lol.

Thank you all so much.
Kai, I hope your family is supportive if you decide to come out have you come out to any friends yet? Sometimes that can help, but I feel kind of embarrased to talk to some of my friends about this.

Hi Jai!

Welcome! 

According to the movies you only need to shave every few days so you have that rugged I've-been-working-so-hard-there's-no-time-to-shave look. I hear all the chicas dig it. After I get on the hormones (and they do their thing) I'll let you know if it's true. 

You've got a lot of support here, just fantastic people.

-maggie

Welcome to Susan's Jai!

I'm on a very similar boat as yourself, though I have not really come fully out. But I am getting there! You should be very proud of yourself for telling your grandmother.

Everyone here is absolutely wonderful, I am sure you will love it here

Quote from: Jai1993 on October 24, 2013, 08:24:52 PM
Thank you all so much.
Kai, I hope your family is supportive if you decide to come out have you come out to any friends yet? Sometimes that can help, but I feel kind of embarrased to talk to some of my friends about this.

Thanks, Jai.   I hope so too.  I haven't actually come out to anyone I know in person yet.  And honestly, I don't really have a lot of friends to come out to. It's scary to think about because I don't know how people will react.  Even the family members who I think will understand I am worried they will just think I'm full of sh*t (pardon my french).  But I know it's something we all have to go through sooner or later, so I'm trying to figure out how to go about it. 

I have realized now though, looking back, that I have voiced my gender concerns to some extent, but always in the form of a joke.  For example, when my brother and I are together we act pretty much how you'd expect two brothers to be, always making vulgar jokes and bustin' each others balls (so to speak) XD  He always makes fun of me for how unfeminine I am.  I take it as a compliment.    Then we'd joke about how I should have been born a boy and if I had he'd have a gay brother. lol XP

Yeah, I totally get how your afraid no one will take you seriously, I'm afraid of that too. My grandma didn't believe me, and since I sort of let it go and quit trying, she now thinks it was a phase.
Lol, that's funny about your brother though so he seems like he'd be ok with it, don't you think?

Quote from: Jai1993 on October 25, 2013, 09:32:33 PM
Yeah, I totally get how your afraid no one will take you seriously, I'm afraid of that too. My grandma didn't believe me, and since I sort of let it go and quit trying, she now thinks it was a phase.
Lol, that's funny about your brother though so he seems like he'd be ok with it, don't you think?

I hope so.  He would probably be totally weirded out at first, but I think he'd get used to it after a while.  Although part of me thinks he would't be all that surprised, lol.