Cindy, that sounds awful. Of course I'd try just about anything when I'm properly drunk and all, but... 

Dalex, I agree with Kai, very manly. Hope it all went well out there. Can't wait to find out.

Just got home!!!! And I felt awesome today! Even came out to six people! Well, almost six, came out half way with my younger sister this morning. One person did not understand it at all, but I did not let that ruin my mood!!! One of the people I came out to has actually been my friend since I was about nine. When she saw me today, the first thing she said was "Looks like Devon is back."
That almost got my to cry... For three years, when I was not at home or at school, I would dress in baggy jeans and a hoody and call myself Devon. That stopped since on my thirteenth birthday I was given mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, powder, a skirt and a very girly top for my birthday and I was told that I had to become a girl. One of the worst days of my life...
But!!!! A gay guy checked me out today, up until someone that knew me called me buy my name. Then the look turned into a more, really? Sort of a look x3 That gave me a slight boost as well, I never did suspect I could fool anyone today, but it looked like I did
And! To top it all off, I got a new drawing tablet today!!!!!

*does a super happy dance*

Way to go!  Acceptance can be so liberating, no? 

You're going places, young man!

Quote from: robinmack on October 25, 2013, 09:34:53 AM
Way to go!  Acceptance can be so liberating, no? 

You're going places, young man!

It is! It really is!

It really means a lot for me to hear that! I feel like I could tackle the world right now and win it at least three times.

Duuuude, that's AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    I applaud your bravery, my friend!!!  Six, people WOW!  You're bustin' out of your shell like confetti poppers on steroids!!! XD  Just look at how far you've come in just a few days!  That's amazing!  You are an inspiration, man, I mean it.  I can't tell you how excited I am for you!  It must have felt so relieving to come out and talk about it openly with people you know.  I've still gotta work myself up to it.  Mind if I borrow a little bit of that courage?  You seem to have plenty to spare! XD  And yay for new drawing tablet! * does the super happy dance with you!*

I played with taking some pictures last night and, idk.  I think I'm just not satisfied because I feel like I still look too much like a girl, but maybe I'll muster up the courage to post a couple later.  I actually woke up this morning feeling really blah for some reason.  I don't know why, I think part of my mind just got kinda freaked out and for a minute I just wanted to forget all about the past couple weeks and about being trans.  But... you know what?  Forget that!  I have been feeling better than I have in years since I came here.  I am done letting fear and uncertainty push me into the ground. Momentary relapse, I assure you.  Momentary relapse.  Besides... no way I could abandon my friends!!!

Also!  I might as well mention I tried binding for the first time the other day.  O.O  I wrote a post about it here if you wanna read: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,151358.0/topicseen.html

Dalex! 

You're amazing! So very proud of you, little brother! *joins in super happy dance and adds even more happy*

Kai, I had a little freak out last night. Apparently it happens. You're not alone, mister.

-maggie

Quote from: Magdalena on October 25, 2013, 07:41:50 PM
Kai, I had a little freak out last night. Apparently it happens. You're not alone, mister.

Ah, ok.  I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Ok, people.  I'm gonna get a little gushy on you all again.  Brace yourselves.  A friend of mine showed me this song yesterday and it made me think of my wonderful new family here, so I wanted to share it with you all.  Actually made me tear up a little bit, lol.  I donno what the songs ACTUALLY about *looks at title and shrugs* Err, but forget that.  Put the lyrics in another context and I think you'll know what I mean. 

Except for one thing, I think our little city is the prettiest one of all. 

I love you guys!! Thank you all for being so amazing!

Kai, you don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with I was actually at that stage myself, of feeling really really blah. I just laid there in my room, and everything was running through my head, and this dark pit in my stomach started to form when I thought that I needed to get myself ready to head out. In the last few years I have tried so hard, too hard, to dress and act like someone I'm not. And I just could not think of doing it another day. Get up, get dressed, brush the long hair an of course, the make up... Since I was just supposed to be a girl.

And as for your link Kai, I just actually left a comment there as a matter of fact xD

*Showers Kai with some of my courage, throwing some confetti, sprinkles, chocolate, flowers and maybe even a hint of puppy's... Don't ask...*

And! I might even be brave enough to tell my dad if he comes over, which he might this weekend!

What actually gave me that extra step was the fact that just right before, a friend of mine told me she had just been diagnosed with cancer. She is the strongest person I know, so I know she will take that cancer and make it her bitch. But, I also realized that life is too short. In less then a year, I myself had to undergo twice a cancer check up since I am one of those who will very likely get it as well. I came out clean, but I have already showed the symptoms twice.

And Maggie! Thank you! *smooches Maggie's cheek when she joins in on the happy dance* MUAH!

*Gives Kai a smooch on the cheek too*

If the two of you ever feel bleh, need someone to talk to, or just talk to an idiot who likes to make people laugh, then don't ever be afraid to talk to me ^^

And Kai? That song is great! I could hear right away.... I had the same thing when I was listening to a song with a band called Placebo. Here are some of the lyrics I could relate to sooooo much.

"And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh..."

I know what you mean, Dalex.  That's how I feel too.  I just can't stand to pretend anymore.  The thought of dressing up and going out as a girl one more time makes me feel sick to my stomach.  I actually (almost subconsciously) went through my closet today and took out nearly all my feminine clothes and packed them up in a box.  I just couldn't stand seeing them hanging there anymore.  They just don't belong in there. 

Good luck when you come out to your dad!  I hope it goes well!

You're right, life is short.  That must be scary.   Cancer freaks me out.  I try to exorcise and get plenty of fruits and veggies in my diet and be as healthy as I can, although sometimes I can get pretty lazy, lol I also smoke, which sucks.  I hate myself for starting.  Thought I was smarter than that.    I keep trying to quit but its soooooo so hard.    Have you heard of the Gerson Therapy or Dr. Burzynski?  If not you should look into them.  I'll give you the links.  From what I understand they've got some very effective techniques they don't typically offer in general health facilities. 

http://gerson.org/gerpress/the-gerson-therapy/

http://www.burzynskiclinic.com/

I can recommend some good documentaries on them as well if you're interested.  They have some great ones on Netflix if you have it. (I'm kind of a documentary nerd XP)

Yay!!!  Confetti!!! Chocolate!!!  Puppies...?  o.O  Only a hint?  Why not the whole caboodle!  Oh, and a smooch too?  Well... thank you!

And same to you, buddy.  Ever need someone to talk to, I'm here!  That goes for you too, Maggie.  And anyone else reading this.  I'm always ready to open my ear to a brother or sister in need.

Also, I'm glad you liked the song!   Running Up That Hill is a great song too.  Placebo is awesome.

I hope it goes well as well xD We will see how it goes !

And cancer freaks me out as well. Both my mom and grandma passed away due to cancer, and then having had to have gone through that check up... Was not very much fun... But, I still smoke xD I enjoy smoking too much ._.  But! I save money rolling my own cigarettes x3

The Gerson Therapy or Dr. Burzynski? Nope, but I'll have a look at the links you sent :3 And Netflix doesn't work in the country I live in, so that will have to wait

I have never tried that but I've heard rolled cigs are better for you because its pure tobacco and doesn't have all the other junk in it, but just as long as you use filters.  I used to know a guy who rolled his own cigs and never used filters and he had the worst tobacco stains on his teeth and hands I had ever seen.

No Netflix there, eh?  That sucks.  Well, I found a few of the docs on youtube.  Here's the links of you feel like checking them out.  Hopefully these will work in your country.

The Gerson Miracle: youtube.com/movie?feature=relmfu&v=sbIixJI_oa4

Dying To Have Known: youtube.com/watch?v=DoUl7F7dWdE&feature=relmfu

The Beautiful Truth: youtube.com/watch?v=wvzDHGLEUyw&feature=relmfu

Burzynski: youtube.com/watch?v=rBUGVkmmwbk

Also, guys.  On another note, I tried playing around with pictures again and I got some I was satisfied with.  I was actually kinda shocked when I took this picture because this is kinda how I always pictured myself looking in my head.  I looked at it and saw... ME.  O_O  I'm still in shock.  I can't stop looking at it.  It's the first time I've ever taken a picture of myself and didn't feel like I was looking at someone else.  It's a strange feeling. A good kinda strange though. lol

Well, here goes nothing!  Say hello to the real Kai-san! X3  I think I still pretty much look like a girl, but you think could I pull it off?  Let me know what you guys think.



I must say I think I make a pretty good lookin' fella. XP lol

I roll mostly because it is cheaper, though I also do like the taste of a certain tobacco I buy. I also roll with filters, else I just end up with a mouthful of tobacco xD Though, I do sometimes let myself buy ether Camel or Winston reds x3

And I shall have a look through those vids later tonight when I got the time Thanks.

And dude! You look awesome! I know what you mean though. When I took those pictures myself, I felt like I was beginning to look a bit closer to how I actually felt. And, you are also rocking those glasses! I had to leave mine out, due to two reasons! First, I seem to have miss placed them and can't find them. Second... They are sort of a pinkish purple :/ Got the frame on sale.... So... x3

I also came out to my dad last night...  He took it amazingly well. He just said he would be supportive, and if it came down to it, he said he had always wanted a son. He also told me that he had suspected it, ever since I came out and told him I was bisexual, that it had been in the back of his head.

Next stop! Find a binder and see if they ship to Iceland xD

Looking handsome, Kai.

Can I offer a couple of things? First, face the camera directly. Guys don't do angle shots so much. And square up your shoulders to the photo, you want to provide as large and tough a presence as possible. Second, look through the glasses, not over. They're your glasses, so what, wanna fight about it? 

That said I don't see why you couldn't pass, you look more than a bit like a guy I used to work with. Maybe go out in something unisex and see if anyone sees the real you?

You and Dalex, a pair of heartbreakers. 

love,
-maggie

Thanks so much, you two!!!    I have a small confession to make.  CONFESSION!  ...I don't actually wear glasses. XP  Well, I'm SUPPOSED to have glasses, reading glasses, but I haven't had them in years since I lost my last pair and I can't really afford to get new ones.  D:  Those are actually a pair of my moms old glasses. I just kept them because I thought they looked cool.   And hey!  They've come in handy!  Truth is though I can't actually see a foot in front of me if I look through the lenses and it hurts my eyes if I try to. XD So that's why I'm looking over them instead.  But yeah, I like glasses. XP  I WISH I had my own pair to rock, but these have some aesthetic value even if they are otherwise useless. X3

Thanks for the advice though, Maggie.   I will keep it in mind!  Like you said, the real test is going out and seeing how people react to me.  I'm still working myself up to that.   

Dalex, Camel good, Winston bad!  XD  lol, my mom used to smoke Winstons.  I couldn't stand those things.  For me its either Camel or Marlboro.  Camel Turkish Silver are the best though. X3

And that's awesome about your dad!  I'm glad he took it so well and he's being supportive!    I think that's really nice what he said to you, about always wanting a son.  I would be so happy if my dad said that to me when I come out.  Although since my dad is unbelievably closed-minded and horrifically homophobic that will probably never happen.

I saw this binder recommended on the FTM Gear forum the other day: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,147009.0.html
Seems like some good things were said about it and its pretty darn cheap!  That's the one I'm probably gonna try first since I don't got much  money to spare.  And I hope they ship over there too, Mr. Out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere! 

Also, Maggie, I was experimenting with a more masculine look the other day, but it didn't work out so good, lol.  I thought I looked ridiculous.  I think I much better pull off the little dorky dweeb look than the big tough macho guy look.  XP  But here, I'll show you one just for kicks, and because I think its funny. XD 

Is this any better? XD

Kai,

Uh... sort of... 

Were you trying to hulk out?

It's kind of a silly picture, but very manly. I don't see any girl in that one. A dorky guy, sure, but a guy nonetheless. 

-maggie

Kai, on that picture you remind me of a guy I used to go to school with x3 He was a goof ball, and fun to be around.

And thanks Kai, it did take a while to finally spill my guts and tell him xD Took me a bit back on how easy he took it, and he has actually been interested in listening to me and asking me questions about where I would buy a binder and such x3

Well, I mostly picked up on Winstons since my sister smokes them xD But I prefer Camel myself, it is the first cigarettes I started smoking proper.

Maggie is right! A dorky guy, but a guy non the less But who does not like dorks? XP

XD  Yes, yes, definitely hulking it out.  Like I said, macho didn't work out so well, so I just started goofing off and... dork moment emerges! XP  lol Thanks, guys.  I like that I remind you both of guys you know.  That makes me happeh.

So, I'm thinking about coming out to my friend and cousin, but I have no idea how.  I'm kinda freaking out about it.  >_<  I think I am letting my anxiety get to me too much.  I just can't figure out what to say.  I wish I were as brave as you are Dalex.  I'm such a chicken. lol >.<

Kai, I'm going to tell my therapist in the morning. I'm freaking out, too. We can be freakout-buddies. (It's kinda like thunder-buddies but we don't have a song... yet.) I'm going to just try to get it all out as soon as I get in there. Maybe work a little story starting from my dark thoughts to how great accepting this has finally made me feel. I think that might help. Let your cousin know it was horrible but now you have hope, positivity. Friends like friends to be happy. Then give him time to process, don't demand a response immediately as much as you want immediate acceptance... That's my advice anyway, for what it's worth.

::hugs:: and much luck to you, little brother.

Also, if it helps, imagine Dalex is right there cheering you along, I'm sure he will be in spirit. I know I will be.

My name is Kayla and I'm a transgender girl.

Kayla, feels kind of good to write it down, doesn't it?