I finally get my letter Thursday.. as I sat at my desk and told my wife I think I will just forget the whole thing tears started rolling down my cheeks..
I told her I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
The only reason I am so healthy now is I thought I would be getting on HRT one day.. I have now lost 35lbs and no longer take Blood pressure meds.. I feel great physically.
She, my wife thinks I should do HRT.. low dose and see how it goes.. she hopes I can just do that and have some body changes and live as a guy but feel enough girl to make it.. we have such a good marriage and are so close we really don't want things to change..
Since she said I should made me feel better.. If I can body build on HRT and have a more feminine body but live as a guy I think I can tolerate it.. so to the outside world I will be male.  Only risk is chest growth but I am willing to take that risk..

Its really a two edged sword... one that cuts both ways.
I know if I don't get relief It will be only a matter of time and I will find a way to get off this planet..seriously.
Through this process, I now remember my childhood.. which I had hidden away for so long.  This realization of everything when I was very young has brought me to a mental place I was back then..
Its an amazing thing to understand why you are the way you are by knowing the way you were...I remember it all now.. and the pain as a trans kid.
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 28, 2013, 12:20:09 PM
I told her I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Made me laugh. 

What if The YOU before HRT is not the YOU afterwards ?

Quote from: genderhell on October 28, 2013, 12:47:32 PM
Made me laugh. 

One possible snag in your plan. The YOU before HRT might not be the YOU after a while on HRT.

That is the risk but better than the alternative... She knows I will change.. will not be on a full transition dose.. but I do want some changes .. would like them all but want to do this dance very slowly..
I was a body builder.. so I know how to sculpt the body.. will continue strict diet but one on HRT will work out minimum two hours a day to tone.. I expect to have the body of a female body builder.. not my old 18 inch arms.... which are down to 14.5 now just by diet and riding bike..
Right now dont lift because I build muscle so easy...
My diet plan was done by Chris Tina Bruce.. she is a M2F body builder and an inspiration to me to keep fit ...
Carrie
Carrie

*hug*  Whatever you do, please don't make rash decisions at this point.  You are poised on the brink of a definite step, to which you have been building.  It is natural to balk a little when you see the road ahead.

Ultimately, this is about *you* and your happiness.  If after reflection you decide you're not ready for it now, get the letter, keep it, store it in your important documents...  there is a very good chance you will be one day.  Even years down the line, if your letter isn't accepted because it is out of date, it should save considerable time with a therapist.

And I would suggest you listen to your wife; she obviously loves you and wants you to be happy.  She knows (from your post/past posts) that there will be changes.  With a low dose, hopefully these changes will be slow enough to allow you to transition together.

Whichever way you know, know that we support you and will do our best to help you in your transition, whether it be delayed or not.  You're still family... I'd venture to guess we've all been in similar situations.

*hug*

Oh, and feel free to PM me if you'd like!

Quote from: robinmack on October 28, 2013, 02:48:54 PM
*hug*  Whatever you do, please don't make rash decisions at this point.  You are poised on the brink of a definite step, to which you have been building.  It is natural to balk a little when you see the road ahead.

Ultimately, this is about *you* and your happiness.  If after reflection you decide you're not ready for it now, get the letter, keep it, store it in your important documents...  there is a very good chance you will be one day.  Even years down the line, if your letter isn't accepted because it is out of date, it should save considerable time with a therapist.

And I would suggest you listen to your wife; she obviously loves you and wants you to be happy.  She knows (from your post/past posts) that there will be changes.  With a low dose, hopefully these changes will be slow enough to allow you to transition together.

Whichever way you know, know that we support you and will do our best to help you in your transition, whether it be delayed or not.  You're still family... I'd venture to guess we've all been in similar situations.

*hug*

Oh, and feel free to PM me if you'd like!

Thanks Robin,
With all the support my wife is giving me after 30 years of marriage I love her even more.. if that is possible.  She is also a babe.. and could walk out and find someone else easily but she does not want anyone else... Its a good and bad place to be in.. I know she hurts but is putting me ahead of herself.. which is the way she is.
Thanks so much for the support... we are special humans ... in my opinion.. and also I think the most misunderstood..

Carrie

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on October 28, 2013, 02:58:51 PM
carrie, You are not damned, because for that You need other people. Are You sure they are not loving You? Are they really damning You? Will they damn You if... or if...?
Please, just follow Your heart and what it tells You... keep Your mind away at this moment.
When I was in this exact phase - I had my blood work done, I had sorted out papers with GP (though I had to lie to him), I had everything sorted out with my endo and I could not tell my partner at that very moment, because I knew that she would not accept that. So I gave that a thought (not very long one - about two days), and instead of taking estrogen, I took all the Xanax I had and strong spirits (because I googled that Xanax by itself would not work...). It was very stupid, though it had some very unexpected consequences and friendships as a result, but anyway - I remember my state then. And You are standing at the very same crossroads and making the choice. No, You are not making the choice, because You already know what Your choice is... You are taking the next step and I am proud of You . Something totally new is ahead of You and I wish You to be safe in Your journey And... good speed .

Hey Emily,
Well I wish I had some Xanax..I thought about trying to get it but was not sure what to tell my general practitioner.. also if I take any antidepressants.. they can jerk my pilots certificate.
At least at this point I want to live..  I am ready to do the E... I have waited a long time... I have a friend that has been on HRT for three years and can still pass as a guy.. so I may go the same route... or I may go all the way with it... time will tell. I am going to be flexible at this point..
At first for me it was all or nothing.. now I see there are other ways to cope...and have a future.
The one thing I have realized is that this is not going away.. ever...
Carrie

Hugs,

Please take this comment as intended, supportive.

HRT has been a life saver along with therapy and a lot of hard work and growing, for me. Only you can make the decision; I hope you can find some relief.

You deserve your identity. 

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on October 28, 2013, 06:01:16 PM
Hugs,

Please take this comment as intended, supportive.

HRT has been a life saver along with therapy and a lot of hard work and growing, for me. Only you can make the decision; I hope you can find some relief.

You deserve your identity.

Thanks Cynthia,
I think HRT is worth a try. If I do not try when will I do it.. in five years.. .. for me the question is not if but when at this point..  If I don't try and see how I do I will always regret it.. If I do try and its not for me then I know.. and can move on for good...
Even tonight there have been moments where I just say screw it .. man on up dud ... but that does not seem to last long.
One thing for sure..life does not get boring around me....
Carrie