...I've been having lots of thoughts recently - rather dark thoughts - about the sheer unluckiness of all of this.  I mean, I had a 50% chance of being born female and I ended up being born male, and instead of having a normal life where gender was never an issue, I'm left living a life where gender is at the forefront of my mind constantly, a problem that will never be corrected or solved, something that will have stained and ruined my whole life no matter what I try to do.

Yesterday, I couldn't even look at a woman without thinking, "I would give anything to be you."

It's like my life was bet on a flip of a coin, and it came up tails when I called heads.  And for the rest of my life, I'll be living with the consequences of that 50/50 gamble.  You know that feeling of regret and hopelessness you get when you realize something has happened that will affect you for the rest of your life?  I have that feeling, multiplied by 1000 right now.

I know being born was nothing I had any control over, and there are people out there living with far worse problems than this (poverty, illness, disability, death etc.)  And I know that I should be making lemonade out of this situation like many of you are, but some days it's like I can't stop holding my own eyes open and squeezing the raw lemon juice into my eyeballs.

Just venting.  One of those really depressing days.

It is OK Michele! This is the place to bring your concerns. I have had thought just like yours, we all have. This dysphoria is a terrible thing that no one understands. I look at other women all the time and wish I was them, but I am not and never will be. The transition process is really helping me a lot though. The HRT makes me feel 90% better inside than I used to. PM me if you ever need a private place to cry, vent, rant or share good news. We ARE family and I want to be here for you my sister. Here is a "BIG HUG" to get you through today. Keep your head up baby and know someone is thinking of you. 

Big hug! I wish you were having a better day, hon. We all have the bad ones though, so we understand.  We're here for you.  Hugs, Devlyn

And then you made the choice to come here. 

So, there are good things happening along with the bad. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Don't forget that you're not alone. ::hugs::

love,
-maggie

I totally get how you are feeling and I have to admit that I have days like that too, where everything seems to mock me and point out that i'm trans, and that other people got the complete deal while I only got 1/2 of it.

But I know that better days will eventually roll around like they always do, and I have to remember to count all of my blessings and dwell on what's possible and not what's impossible and move forward. I have to remember that it's up to me to make the best of my own life; it's precious and I don't want to waste too much of it thinking about negative stuff.

Are there things that you like to do that will help change your mood or your thoughts? Perhaps some quiet time spent listening to music or enjoying sunsets or walking in the park? Doing stuff like that always helps me to take my mind off of my own problems.

I hope that your funk lifts soon Michele.

*hug*

What these gals said.

And, well...

*hug*

Quote from: Michele on October 30, 2013, 07:05:37 AM
...I've been having lots of thoughts recently - rather dark thoughts - about the sheer unluckiness of all of this.  I mean, I had a 50% chance of being born female and I ended up being born male, and instead of having a normal life where gender was never an issue, I'm left living a life where gender is at the forefront of my mind constantly, a problem that will never be corrected or solved, something that will have stained and ruined my whole life no matter what I try to do.

Yesterday, I couldn't even look at a woman without thinking, "I would give anything to be you."

It's like my life was bet on a flip of a coin, and it came up tails when I called heads.  And for the rest of my life, I'll be living with the consequences of that 50/50 gamble.  You know that feeling of regret and hopelessness you get when you realize something has happened that will affect you for the rest of your life?  I have that feeling, multiplied by 1000 right now.

I know being born was nothing I had any control over, and there are people out there living with far worse problems than this (poverty, illness, disability, death etc.)  And I know that I should be making lemonade out of this situation like many of you are, but some days it's like I can't stop holding my own eyes open and squeezing the raw lemon juice into my eyeballs.

Just venting.  One of those really depressing days.

Michele,
Reading your post you worded it exactly how I felt yesterday.. I mean exactly the same feeling I have.  My wife caught me crying in my office yesterday..so I know exactly how you feel.. I feel a little better today.. and just want to be happy somehow..
I have researched and read everything I can...but no reading or study can change who I am and who I have been all my life.
I to would like to make lemonade out of lemons.
If you get anything out of my post realize you are not alone.. I feel exactly the same. Hope you feel better today.
Carrie

Hi Michele,
I'm so sorry to see that you are having a bad time. I know all those feelings so well. There isn't a day goes by that I don't look at a woman and wish I could be her. You are right, there was a 50/50 chance that we could have been born female and if fate had taken a different turn then we would not be opening our hearts to each other......but, at least we all have each other to help us through the bad days.
I hope you will feel better soon.
Love,
Ciara.

Quote from: Michele on October 30, 2013, 07:05:37 AMYesterday, I couldn't even look at a woman without thinking, "I would give anything to be you."

This is me everyday now.
You're not alone, but what a terrible feeling it is.

Yeah, just one of those really crappy days I guess.     And just as I was starting to feel really good about things, even having made myself a new avatar that isn't so sad-looking.  I guess that goes back on the shelf for now...

Thanks for all the support.  Without you all, it would be ten times worse.  I appreciate it.  Just knowing that I'm not the only one feeling these things is helpful.

I think about these things every day, sometimes all day.  Some days, I can be rational about it, tell myself that I'm healthy, doing ok, and that it's just a feeling and I can ignore it and go about my business.  And other days, like today, it's just a crushing weight, a feeling that nothing else matters because something so fundamental is wrong and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Quote from: Michele on October 30, 2013, 02:12:57 PM
I think about these things every day, sometimes all day.  Some days, I can be rational about it, tell myself that I'm healthy, doing ok, and that it's just a feeling and I can ignore it and go about my business.  And other days, like today, it's just a crushing weight, a feeling that nothing else matters because something so fundamental is wrong and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

This could be a great song lyric for those of us with Gender Dysphoria. I think every one here can be the author of this quote every day. You nailed it Michele and you ARE NOT alone. This is why we have each other to talk to. No one else will ever understand except those dealing with it. Another BIG HUG for you baby!!

You mean like this: http://transgirldiaries.com/?p=1182 - gambling can be a bitch.

Thanks anjaq, that made me smile!