Angie's Intro
The past
As I was growing up I always liked girly things. My parents divorced when I was about 1 hr old. (More on this later) My family tells of stories of how my Aunt (10 yrs older than me) and I would play dress up. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt because she would watch me while my mom went to work. I apparently got real mad when the girls clothes came off and the boy clothes went back on. They also tell me that I would tell them I wanted to be a girl and not a boy. I would play with dolls and when my grandfather would see me he would take the doll away and tell me "You are a boy play with this" and he would give a truck or a screw driver, something more fitting of a young male child. BTW – when he gave me a screwdriver I would go around the house and stick it in light sockets. My mom and her siblings bring this up from time to time at family gatherings and get a big chuckle out of it. To this day it still bothers me.
The pre-teen years
I mentioned previously that I grew up in a single parent household. I do have one younger sister – different father however. What I did not mention that my mom needed desperately to have a "man in her life". She has also been married multiple times – she even married and divorced and remarried a couple of them. Needless to say my sister and I would meet a "new guy" and the next thing we knew we had a house guest. What an effin' circus. During this time I pretty much migrated to being male. Did all the male things, played baseball and football etc. The problem was I was smaller then my male peers. Both in height and weight. But I still gave it my all and I got to be pretty good if I say so. The comment from my coaches "your small but we like your attitude......" Anyway, during this time I had this nagging voice in the back of my head and from time to time I would listen to the voice and find some of my mom's clothes, attempted to put on some makeup etc etc etc. My mom was not around because she was at work and my sister and I were pretty much left up to our own devices. I would only do the mom's clothing and makeup thing when my sister was not around and I knew she would be gone for a while. Truth be told I migrated to my sisters clothing.. They fit better. I did get busted by my sister a couple of times and then the negotiations started. She would say "I am going to tell mom" but if you do the dishes for one month I won't. Needless to say she would hold that over my head and I did a bunch of dishes.
I mentioned earlier that we would have house guests. There was one in particular that was a total creep just plain weird. For the purposes of this narrative I will refer to him as TC (total creep). Anyway, on one of those days when I was in girl mode he busted me. He came home early and there I was... Looking like a young pre-teen girl. Needless to say I was raped/sodomized at the age of 11. During the first occurrence all TC would say is "I will tell your mom I found you in girls clothes with makeup" so I let him do what he wanted to do and he did. Needless to say this went on for about 6 months. It got to the point to where it was expected and I complied out of fear. Then one day she came home early during one of the "occurrences" and TC pretty much disappeared. The creep was just gone. He grabbed some of his stuff and left in a hurry never to be seen again. To this day I am not sure if she called the cops or what happened. The backlash to this was unrelenting.... The blame was left with me. She would say "If you did not have on girls clothes this would have never happened". I think you can fill in the rest. I have gently broached the subject with her a couple times over the years but that is as far as it went. She just gets nervous and changes the subject.
The teen years
I was pretty much in boy mode all through high-school. I did dress from time to time but I was smarter about it and did not get busted by mom or sister. We did not have any houseguests either. I did start dating girls as all high school guys do but for whatever reason I could do the sex thing... Anything beyond first or second base and I would freak out. I was repulsed and I would always come up with excuses. I would purposefully put myself in to situations where I did not need to worry about it. I was concerned about being labeled as gay. That this was not a good thing – it was the latter half of the 70's (I am 50) and being gay was not a good thing. Especially in high school. Anyway during my junior year where I got my first BJ. It actually was kind of nice being on the receiving end vs the giving end (lets not forget about TC). I can still remember having the thought "so, this is what it feels like". Shortly thereafter we broke up as all high schoolers do and I did not date that much afterwards. Hardly ever. But I still liked the more feminine things.
Adult life
I met my wife in 1982 and that is when I lost my virginity at the age of 22. From my high school graduation to this time I did not date much and when I did it was basically to keep the family thinking I was a guy. But when I met my wife I consider myself lucky. She is the most good hearted, compassionate and understanding person I know. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. We have raised two wonderful children and they have gotten married and they are creating lives for themselves. They are leading normal lives. I made it a point that they both would grow up in a "normal household". My wife and kids know some of my history but not all of it. Just as much as I am willing to tell them. I will need to have a discussion with my wife at some point but frankly I just can't do it. Some day it will happen – I think. On a side note she supports my transition to a certain extent. She has already let me know that if it gets to a point where I want GRS we need to have another chat as she calls it. I am at a 90% level for GRS – the 10% is the unknown.
To date I have still dressed – I am just real discreet. Luckily I work from home and I can pretty much do what I want during the day. I am in IT and just sit in front of the computer doing what I do so I can explore clothing, makeup etc. I have done the thing where I look at myself in the mirror and I say to myself "You look like an ugly chick with beard" I get repulsed and then I purge. About a year will go by and that nagging voice in my head goes off and I start dressing again... You probably have guessed that I have done this a few times.
Due to my working situation I have done quite a bit of reading regarding GID, gender dysphoria, tansgenderism. You can put your own label on it. I have done the self medication thing a couple times in a vain attempt to discover who I am... I do not recommend this to anyone just do it right. Take it from someone who knows just do it right! If you don't you are playing with fire and your life!!!! I have not experienced any ill effects from my previous explorations. On a positive note I fit nicely in a A cup.
Current day
The voice went off loud and I started dressing again. I also need to add that this is not sexual in nature I do not get aroused most of the time. I have to admit that sometimes I do but that is because I think I look at good. But that is the end of it - self gratification is not my thing. This time I decided to see a therapist which I have done and I got my letter and I am now on HRT. This time however I am venturing out more while dressed. Nothing to exorbitant. I will generally dress androgynously but feminine and a quick trip most of the time. It is to a fast food place where I don't need to get out of the car. This is not to say I have not gotten out of the car it just depends on how I am dressed. I still have beard shadow and I have this fear of not passing or presenting well. Some nice leggings or nice fitting yoga pants, shoes and a little makeup and I am good to go.
So there you have it. Some of my backstory. I have just started HRT. I am researching getting my facial hair taken care of. Electrolysis and laser are in my future. My current thinking is FFS and GRS will wait for a bit. Once I feel better about my presentation I will start the research and planning. At the end of the day I could not be happier.
Angie
