Heya

Im gonna be moving into a new flat next month to a place with more accepting housemates, so that i can live full time at home as Zoe . I have told the two flatmates that i am transexual! they are both fine with it. I think i am slightly worried that i may be moving too fast! I mean living as a woman full time at home is totally what my heart is telling me to do, however im terrified that im not gonna be ready for this massive step in my life!
I suppose a big part of my fear is that i know that the more i spend a Zoe, the more closer i am to having to tell my parents, and the more closer i am to starting hormones!

I feel asthough im on a runaway train, and although there is a part of me telling me to stop and reconsider what i am doing, there is a massive part of me that just wont let me stop! And whenever i start taking these big steps forward i worry that i may be making a massive mistake and that that i want too jump off the runaway train! But for some reason i just keep going and i feel my male identity is being left behind day by day! its quite terrifying and i feel asthough my life is abit out of control!

I know however that it is fear telling me to stop, as i dont know what is ahead! But im so so scared!!! :/ i just cannot go back, I feel asthough the only way for me is forward but it such a scary route!!!

Did any of you ever feel like this?

Zoe
X

Quote from: Zoe Louise Taylor on November 01, 2013, 11:30:43 AM
Did any of you ever feel like this?

Fear can be a powerful force keeping you from where you need to be. Or it can protect you from harm.

How can you tell the difference?

For me it was thinking through the various scenarios. What would I do if my wife left me? What would I do if I ran into problems at work? What would I do if my children rejected me? By facing the things I was afraid of and by having a plan, I was able to put fear in its place - as a warning not an impediment.

Transition is scary. It's the first time in my life where I felt I wasn't making decisions. The decisions were being made by my gender identity that couldn't be reasoned with and couldn't be ignored.

The best I can tell you Zoe, is that despite the fact that I was scared I was moving too fast, I have been thrilled with the results. It's been better than i possibly could have imagined.

I wish that for you. Good luck.

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 01, 2013, 11:59:06 AM


Transition is scary. It's the first time in my life where I felt I wasn't making decisions. The decisions were being made by my gender identity that couldn't be reasoned with and couldn't be ignored.

This is totally why i'm finding it all so difficult and scary!!! Its feels like i'm not 100% making the decisions, and i'm absolutely terrified about this!!! Although i know that this is what i need to do, as there is no other path for me! I also feel as though everything is forced upon me by my Gender identity, and i have no other choice!!! I cannot stop and i suppose i really don't want to stop!

The good thing is however, looking at the results of some of the girls on here, i can see that this path will have a great reward at the end! Its just really daunting at the moment!! :/

Xx

Your situation sounds like mine in early 1990,I lived in role at nights and weekends I would go out to a gay club.I was scared at first then came to enjoy it and after a few weeks realised I was going to go full time one day

Well, you need to start somewhere! I gather you haven't started HRT yet? Transition can be a long process, even if you try to short circuit it by being full time or even selective (at home) full time. There's still the physical changes to come plus body hair/beard to deal with, wardrobe/shoes/accessories to acquire, new social skills to learn... these things take a fair bit of time and can be very frustrating (and cost lots of $$$). As you may have read in other threads, having to grow stubble while dealing with beard removal is very frustrating and hard on self-image and morale, even more so I'd imagine if presenting as female in some full time capacity. I'd suggest you do as much as you feel you can cope with, ease into it and enjoy yor transition without forcing anything or painting yourself into a corner.

Zoe Louise Taylor!! You are a gorgeous and very intelligent woman. Put those doubts in a box and give it a good toss. You know deep in your heart this is the right thing to do so get busy living instead of worrying and suffering. Only when you are living like you should will you feel any freedom from the past. It is scary I know baby, but you have the strength to do this. You also have a family of over 8,000 supporting you with all of this including ME. If you ever need to talk in a private, protected way with some one who will not tell others, PM me any time. My confidence came from my career. It taught me many valuable lessons about confidence, esteem, etc. and it taught me that life was VERY short so live like there is no tomorrow. You can do this baby! BIG HUG!!!

You are not alone, Zoe.  For me, it's because Robin has been hidden all her life and is demanding to get out and take part in the world.  Apparently I resent having hidden for nearly forty years.  It's discouraging sometimes; currently I'm full time at home (even when dressed male, my fiancee and her kids call me Robin and use feminine pronouns, even when I'm not feeling feminine at all.  They're wonderful, really. )  I do work in an extremely conservative place, though, as a software developer.  I am out to my immediate supervisor (coincidentally the guy who cuts my checks), but as a contractor (who can be fired at-will) I have to work in guy-mode. 

I'm pre-HRT, only had my first electro appointment yesterday, but I'm going out on the town and out to nearly everyone, including my mother.  This is all in a period of about two months since I finally came out to myself.  Granted, I had been calling myself gender-queer before as I eased my way out of denial, so that gave me a *bit* of a head start.

Anyway, all this is to say that I understand where you are coming from.  Sometimes I want to scream in fear at the whirlwind of change, and others I want to scream in hurt and anger about ever having to present myself in "boy mode".  It's a wild ride, believe me.  *hug*

It sounds like you're taking sane steps.  As others have said, wardrobe takes time and money to put together, as do your makeup kit and accessories.  And I can pretty much guarantee there will be down days where you don't want to dress at all and just hide out in your room.  Sometimes when you ride an intense ride at the amusement park, you need a break before you get back on... be sure to allow yourself some breaks, some time for reflection when you feel you need them.

*hug*

I'm excited for you! 

Moving to a different place is the perfect time to go full time. It is very difficult for people to re program their minds but the old saying you never get a second chance to make a first impression is what this is. I hope you understand what I am saying. Finally if you do decide to go full time then I would suggest you do it 100% of the time. If you flip flop then people are going to think you missing marbles in your head.

Katie

I told everyone before I started dressing.  Made things way easier.   Get some unisex clothes.  When you gotta grow hair out those will help a ton.  I wear bdus/sweatpants all the time.  T h this wouldn't at all be out of the norm either for any of my female friends.   Must cis women aren't always super fem or done up.