I'm a month into therapy and I feel like my therapist and I may not be fit for one another. But before i make the decision to stop seeing her and attempting to find another therapist I want to get a second opinion from someone here, because I'm at the point now that I really would like to be on hormones soon but I don't want to lose any ground I have and start back at square one
This is going to be long winded so hang on... Anyways this past Monday I met with my therapist. Our session started out slow as it always does do to the trust issues I have and the fact it takes a lot for me to get rolling along. Of the major topics covered were 1# passability and presentation #2 My girlfriend and sexual orientation.
   
To start off I told her my girlfriend and I went shopping for clothing and makeup. And that the past weekend even though she's seen me I female clothes thousands of times it had been the first time I had presented in full female mode to my girlfriend makeup hair mannerisms and all. She very promptly asked what her reaction was and I said "well my girlfriend cried. But she could see how happy I was and told me she was happy I was happy." My therapist quickly responded "AH HA you're already dead to her. And she probably said that to not hurt your feelings"

Along the line of sexual orientation I told her that I am attracted to women and for now did not see it happening for my orientation to change and that well it would be difficult for us at times I can picture a future life with my current significant other. However I stated that was not going to expect my girlfriend to stay throughout my transition into womanhood. To that her answer pretty much was well she isn't so what are you going to do? And stated well I guess start over like I have many times before and find another female soul mate and she said no you cannot make that assumption you don't know your sexual orientation until you've lived life fully as a woman have a vagina and feel things completely and wholly as a woman. You are just a baby you don't know anything about your sexually orientation at this time.  On a further note you're girlfriend sees you dying. You are no longer the man she fell in love with she does not want you to change she will not give you any positive feedback no matter how hard she tries, you need to let her go and surround yourself with women who will give you positive feedback.

So in a nut shell she basically told me A) No matter what there was no possibility my girlfriend and I would be together in the future and said she was a liar. B) I should break up with her and C) I do not know my sexual orientation, no if and's or buts regardless of how I feel.
On the passability side of things I show up in male mode and I basically get a I don't understand how you want to be a female but show up appearing very male in male clothes and not clean shaven (I shaved the night before I get a shadow in no time  ) If you want to be a female you need to be publically more feminine. (She basically does not believe in stealth like at all.) I simply state that I can't just start coming out more feminine openly in public around people I know because I feel that's unsafe, and she's replies "well you have to start somewhere. I'm not asking to present full female in front of them." (Yet im not female enough? Im so confused.)
On a side note I would come in full female mode but she very against being in full female mode in a non safe environment. I don't understand how I am supposed to gradually start presenting myself more and more feminine publically but not really being noticed with people I associate with. My college class consists of 10 individuals I won't just merely go unnoticed, plus I live on one of my classmate's property. Yet if I do everything in my book of tricks and present fully female around people I do not know enroute to my appointment that is considered somewhat foolish and dangerous to her.  WTF Am I supposed to do??

Anyways I showed up in my john deere carhart coat this past appointment and like I stated she was like I don't understand why you're wearing that at some point you're not going to be able to wear those things. (It was ten above and snowing) I told her that it was the warmest thing I had and I didn't want to freeze and that I knew many females that wore coats like mine. "Well those are all females from a farming or ranching background what if you were a business women who had to go to work every day in a skirt and heels in weather like this?" Well I guess I would buy a long dressier wool designer label type coat and probably wear snow boots and change into my heels one I got to work, but I'm not to the stage where I need those things yet, I will address the issue when it arises. "Well I can tell you right now you'll never pass as a female in that. You are not a female yet so until then, if you want to be seen as feminine you need to present as femininely as possible, that means skirts and heels not boots and jeans. So when the time comes you feel ready to present in female mode in front of me you need to wear a skirt nylons and heels, because jeans and boots are male clothes." Then she goes on to contradict her herself by saying but once you become a female though none of that will matter you can wear whatever you want cause people will see you as a woman.

Am I missing something here?  I come from a very solid ranching/farming background I'm a country girl to the core. Don't get me wrong I love to wear skirts and heels but as country folk we usually reserve those for special occasions. I've got jeans and outfits that aren't skirts or dresses that a guy wouldn't be caught dead in but make any girl get all warm and fuzzy inside (Yay! for Miss Me's an oober pretty shirts  ) And there is nothing more male about me when I wear them versus a skirt and heels. So why can't I be who I am? A country girl? Why should it matter? I don't think not wearing a skirt all the time is going to make me any less passable than I may already not be. Well wearing a skirt and heels is not the same as wearing jeans and boots I don't think it makes me any less of a girl yes it feels different and you walk different and your more exposed but your still a girl. Or am I wrong?

The very last thing at the end of the session before I left she retouched base on how I was dying as a male to my girlfriend and will be to my family when I came out to them and how we must continue working upon "killing" the old male me to allow the rebirth of the female me and how she is here to midwife my birth out of the womb and into the world of womanhood if that's what I wanted. I was rather disturbed by that statement because I felt it was rather vulgar. I don't see it as me dying or killing myself. I see it as transforming into who I really am. Yes the end result is that I want to portray a female image and be female but I don't see that as killing myself, because in the end my past is still part of me how I care about and treat people is still me the hobbies I enjoy are still me my sense of courage pride and humor and respect is still me. It's just me in the form I'm supposed to be. A woman.

So I guess am I over reacting am I taking my counselor's words out of context? Am I being irrational? Am I letting my fear get in the way of my transition? I want to be girl more than anything, but It just seems to me that my counselors beliefs and tactics are not ones I believe in myself and just seem kind of odd. She is a well known gender counselor in the area I live in but it just seems off to me. Do I just need to get tough or am I actually not being unreasonable.
Please any opinions and guidance you have are appreciated.
Sorry for the vent
Cali

Heres the assumption i got from what you said and even tho i cant give any real understand to the female aspect,i will try to help the best i can

1) i get the feeling that she is *trying* to cause confusion.On this note,any mis-step on your part would be bluntly placed on you and would further hold you back.Most therapists do not do this kind of thing when it comes to a patient presenting to them.As a matter of fact,far from it.
2) i get the feeling that she herself,is very confused on alot of society based points.*A woman MUST wear this/be that/do this* and its true that *some* things are reserved to a woman but i dont feel that its right to say *a woman must cross her legs at the knee and not the ankle* both do the same thing and a personal thing.Not something to be changed on someone elses will.Its all on what makes you feel comfortable as the woman YOU are.
3) It seems she is confusing *again* sexuality with gender.Its true that hormones do enhance certain parts of the brain but it doesnt *change* your orientation.You just feel stronger on one or both areas,it doesnt go away.
4) therapy is made for two reasons.1) to release inner pressure or 2) discover inner pressure.It is not made to turn and twist said pressure in order to get the outcome the therapist *wants*.That being said,you have to ask yourself *do I feel this is helping me? or is it putting MORE pressure on me?*

And 5) Her opinions and views on your partner should quickly be dismissed.Its true that people hurt when we transition and its even true that they feel that person is *dying* but its not true that ALL feel the same,that your relationship will end or that your partner is a *liar* this tells me that your therapist is very quick with personal life opinions and unless you disclose those things,she has no place there.

With those,i feel that you can see a clear path and whats best for you and your transition.Good luck and i wish you a good outcome

Thanks Chaos for your opinion and support. I don't know about you but i find it ironic that i feel like things are in chaos and someone with the name Chaos replies lol

Hi Cali! In my humble opinion she is trying to enforce HER views about what a woman should look like instead of yours. It does not appear with the information you gave that she will ever OK HRT until you look and act like she expects. I think it would be wise to consider looking for another therapist who is more in tune with what YOUR expectations and aspirations are. One month is not a lot to lose in my mind to get a more sympathetic therapist who will not tell you to dump your significant other and let you and your SO make that decision on your own. I do not think overall your current therapist is all that friendly or accepting of gender dysphoria and the pain it actually causes. This is only my opinion.

Quote from: MT22TG on November 01, 2013, 02:43:11 PM
Thanks Chaos for your opinion and support. I don't know about you but i find it ironic that i feel like things are in chaos and someone with the name Chaos replies lol

Haha one reason i love this name,explains my life in one word lol and your very welcome.

Ok what i'm going to write isn't going to be all that popular judging from the responses thus far. But presumably you posted your experience to get an outside appraisal of her therapy.

1. She wants you to dress feminine so that other people see you as a female or that you are at least trying to present as a woman and want to be treated as such. I strongly, strongly disagreed with this at the start of my transition, i mean how could someone be forced to endure people potentially treating them as a crossdresser right? But it helps to prepare you and make sure that transitioning is something you absolutely want to do. It may turn out that after presenting as female and being treated as a woman that it may not be something that you want to do, i'm not saying this is the case, but it's a possibility right?

2. Regarding your gf, she has no right to say with absolute certainty what she said. However, i would have to agree with her in so far as to say that you have to be prepared to potentially lose your gf. Of course no one but your gf can really answer this for you. Sexuality CAN change with HRT, nothing is concrete, i mean i at least feel that my perception of the opposite sex has changed since HRT and i never really looked at guys before. Not saying i'll date men, but i'm certainly going to keep an open mind about it

3. In a way transition is like a rebirth. No matter how much i saw it differently, as in i didn't believe i have changed all that much, for some very close to me, they feel that they have lost a son/brother and are coming to terms with a daughter/sister. How she puts it is a little strong, but in a way she is trying to help that process by making that distinction clear and that the sooner they see who you are, the sooner they can start to navigate through the subsequent adjustment period.

I hope it works out babe, I guess the best way to approach this is by simply putting it out there with your therapist. x

Wow. I agree with everyone else, she's imposing her own opinions regardless of the facts. For some reason, she *wants* you to break up with your girlfriend...

I went to my therapist and said I wanted to stay married and was sure I would stay interested in women - and she encouraged me. And it turns out that four years later, we're still happily married and I'm still attracted to women. Which is one example, but really, encouraging you to believe your relationship is GUARANTEED to be over is unreasonable.

As for the fashion stuff, jeez, she's stuck in the 1950s or something. That's ridiculous, stereotypical, and seems like an abuse of the professional relationship.

Overall, she seems unprofessional, biased, and a bad fit for you to boot. Unfortunately.

Thank you everyone for the support and responses. I am definitely going to postpone going to therapy for a week or two, and  do my best to get things sorted out. It will be tough to try and find a different therapist due to the lack of professional help for trans people in my area.
Bardoux- Your 1st  point has some merit that is something to take into consideration. However touching on sexual orientation, When i mentioned to her that i knew HRT could have some effect on orientation she told me that was false that " no matter how much estrogen you have in your system it has no effect upon whether you like males or females." So im not sure if that changes your response any.
Jenna- I'd say she is stuck in the 1950's seen as the would be about the time she was in her early teens. An did i mention she has to be the most male like female i've met. Wranglers hiking boots and super short hair i don't care if that what she likes, good for her. I just feel like its unfair that she can wear whatever but i cant. Glad you're still married, i pray that's what will happen to me cause my girlfriend is a sweetheart an i would love to keep her in my life.
Jessica- I will do my best to see what other options i have but gender therapists are rare where i come from if you have any ideas let me know.

Thanks all,
Cali

Your therapist has preconceived ideas about who you are, your gender, and who you should be. I would find a different therapist, if possible, but you already knew that.

You could go the online skype therapist route. Some people have done that and you can get your letter that way. If you do, check out the person you choose to use carefully.

It sounds like she isn't a good therapist. They are suppose to help us. Mine constantly stays in the neutral zone. She doesn't force me to do anything nor does she try to persuade/shame me for whom I am. She reienforces my feelings and gives me a healthy dose of reality when I need it. She also let's me present how ever I want to and even had a family bathroom installed so her clients could comfortably use a restroom. I would look into finding a new therapist in person or through Skype.

It never ceases to amaze me the sheer number of trans folks that not only feel they need therapy for their gender issues but perpetuate this obligation amongst the trans community.

Now mind you that having worked with a load of GLBT people I can say that I could tell that a lot of them needed therapy but it was not for being gay or trans. It was for other things that any person might have.

Any trans person that has done their homework has read the DSM. In there you will discover that it says that some people don't need therapy (don't believe me then read it).

I have some advice when your amongst the trans community and you hear one of them say that therapy is imperative.... ask yourself this. Has this person had any outwards signs of their transition progress? Or is this one of the people that talks a lot but has little to no actions to show.

If they are the latter then it should be apparent to you (assuming you are dead set on transition) that that person is not giving you the best advice. Don't ever forget misery loves company.

Katie

QuoteMine constantly stays in the neutral zone. She doesn't force me to do anything nor does she try to persuade/shame me for whom I am.

This is what good therapists do. They may have many opinions about your life, but they should never, ever comment on it in the way your therapist did. She does not know your girlfriend and already concludes you are dead to her? And to put the cherry on top, she advices you to break up with her? Red flags right there. And the comment about how you should dress to become a woman? Ridiculous. Clothes don't make the woman, you do. What about all those lesbians who dress up in jeans and baggy shirts? Are they no women? Honestly, her comments are silly on a stick. I would suggest finding a different therapist because it sounds like she bought her license online. 

I hear stories about therapists like her and I'm scared. What are we supposed to do? Prance into her office and act and dress like Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot? We're supposed to please the therapist and be the perfect babe for them? LOL. But it's not funny. I don't need a therapist to tell me who I am. I know myself well. On the other hand, there are girls who are very confused and don't know who they are. They can fall prey to that kind of therapist.

Quote from: Katie on November 04, 2013, 07:52:33 AM
It never ceases to amaze me the sheer number of trans folks that not only feel they need therapy for their gender issues but perpetuate this obligation amongst the trans community.

Now mind you that having worked with a load of GLBT people I can say that I could tell that a lot of them needed therapy but it was not for being gay or trans. It was for other things that any person might have.

Any trans person that has done their homework has read the DSM. In there you will discover that it says that some people don't need therapy (don't believe me then read it).

I have some advice when your amongst the trans community and you hear one of them say that therapy is imperative.... ask yourself this. Has this person had any outwards signs of their transition progress? Or is this one of the people that talks a lot but has little to no actions to show.

If they are the latter then it should be apparent to you (assuming you are dead set on transition) that that person is not giving you the best advice. Don't ever forget misery loves company.

Katie

I think it depends what kind of therapy you're talking about. In terms of straightforward psychotherapy, I think there are all sorts of ways in which a transsexual can benefit. Certainly it took me years to untangle the various issues I was coping with and realise the way in which my unacknowledged, suppressed dysphoria was actually the root cause of my depression and anger.

Then there's a different kind of therapy, which is what the OP is talking about here, which is a more practical, advice-based discussion about coping with being transgendered and moving from the male to female state, in terms of ones presentation, legal status, relationships, etc. I think it can really help to get advice, but you have to be working with someone who really knows what they're talking about, has a great deal of experience with transition-related issues and is sensitive to your needs, and the particular issues you face.

In my case, my therapist is often pretty blunt with me about what I can reasonably expect to gain and lose from transition. She's very encouraging about my potential as a woman, but equally very realistic about the problems, issues, limitations etc that i will face ... and that includes my marriage and my relationships with my children.

That said, she would never lay down the law to me in the way this therapist seems to be doing. The whole point of any counselling is to help a person come to their own decisions, and their own understanding, not to force anything on them.

I suspect there may be issues of age and status here, too. I'm a VERY late transitioner, in my 50s. I'm professionally quite successful and I know my own mind, so there's no point a therapist trying to boss me about because it's not going to work. In my teens or early 20s I was MUCH more vulnerable. i was told a lot of harmful nonsense about myself and because it came from 'experts' I believed it and that affected my whole life, not to mention the lives of my wife and later children.

So what I would say to MT22TG is, yes, it's good to have a therapist. But s/he has to be the right person. And if you're coming out of sessions feeling worse about yourself, feeling insecure and unhappy because of what that p[erson has said to you, then that is the wrong person and you should do everything you can to find someone better.

And in the meantime, talk to the gals here in Susan's. We may disagree with one another from time to time ... but we're on your side.

For someone who already *knows* they ARE Trans*,this kind of therapist is NOT the one they need.If your speaking of someone who is just conflicted or confused,who needs this kind as well? We go to make sense of it all,not to have more confusion and conflicts *Am i not dressing right? is this wrong? why do i feel so bad?* As far as *gender therapists* or those helping you with transition,they are to *slowly* encourage you to walk up the ladder,not throw you onto it and yell *CLIMB!!* i would feel not only overwhelmed but nearly broken from everything else.What make up im *supposed to wear* *how a girl *really* dresses* ? In my opinion thats not creating individuality but manufacturing a fake image.If someone were to fall into that,i would hate to know how they will feel once they get into society and find that,they still wont be accepted-not because they arent *fitting the part* but because they ARE fake.Like creating a barbie doll,with clothes and all then placing her somewhere for society to see.I feel thats just as worse then transition its self,almost like going back to that old *Fake* stage of hiding who one is,trying to let it go away and suffering for it.Ones life should teach us that,being true to self is what makes us the happiest.

Wow! I would have never expected this to receive so many responses and heat up to almost a debate at times. I am well aware that i do not need a therapist for HRT I have perused the standards and gleaned some info. That being stated i do not know how to go about properly obtaining hormones without going through therapy. So Katie please feel free to enlighten me because i am openly ready to listen. Its not like im enjoying throwing money away cause that's what i kinda feel like i am doing right now. However, I chose to see a therapist for the reason of obtaining hormones and to help someone guide me through the stepping stones of transition. I know who i am i know i have problems but i am seeing a therapist cause i want help navigating to my goal. I know what i want in the end. A year ago i was unsure but now i know what i want. I just don't know how to express my feelings to others and get to my goal safely. I have transitioned to a very very small point. I am female in the privacy of my own home clothes hair makeup completely shaven from face to toe painted nails. I dont wear boy underwear at all anymore. (have to wear it for the first time in over year this weekend. I think i might die.) My female wardrobe is steadily growing and im pretty much boycotting trying to buy any boy clothes cause i know soon they will be no longer used. In fact when i woke up this morning i could just feel it i finally felt ready to go out in public as the real me, so this evening i got all dressed up and went out on the town shopping and running some errands for an hour or so. One of the best and most amazing feelings i have ever experienced. I was scared at first, and I think this one old extremely grumpy lady may have clocked me but by the end of the night i didn't want to go home i wanted to go everywhere as me just a country girl rocking her jeans and boots, but i knew it was just too risky cause i would have to talk to someone at some point and it would all be pretty apparent then i wasn't a girl.  So i don't need some one to push me i or say i deemed fit for public i just want some guidance and a piece of paper that says i can start hrt. I was so excited but extremely scared for my first session, but things have only gotten worse after sessions. After every one i just feel like i failed to express my feelings and that im not going to be successful both in transition and my life because of the things my therapist says and asks. I didn't go tonight to my session instead i stayed home and got myself ready for my first adventure... All that said yes i probably don't need a therapist but i just feel having a guide is a good idea and i didn't know who to turn to besides a therapist.

Some photos before the adventure. Quality is rather crappy.
http://i1017.photobucket.com/albums/af297/MT_SunRise1016/Snapshot_20131104_2_zpsf2a6c094.jpg
http://i1017.photobucket.com/albums/af297/MT_SunRise1016/Snapshot_20131104_7_zps924cc879.jpg

Your off to a really, really good start already MT22TG!

she's a quack!!! stop seeing her she's obviously not trained! You could find better mis-information on the internet.

My best therapist out of the four I have had was a clinical social worker unfamiliar with trans issues, it didn't hurt that I just started FT and she basically viewed me as another female.

At first many of the issues (problems) will be trans related...as you move on further in transition the issues that you may want to talk to someone about are related more to what all people suffer from (depression, children issues, anxiety, loneliness), and even more from what women are concerned with (equality, dating, children issues, image, assertiveness,) My therapist helped me with many of these things.....she moved away about 3 months ago...I miss her soooo much!!