I'm 51 rapidly headed for 52 and dang even becoming 50 is rapidly losing it's shine.

And I am sitting here sad, because of all the things I simply missed out on. You can't turn back the clock, you can't casually just acquire a life time of experiences in a week or month or year.

I will probably be still able to pee standing for a few years if the process of the waiting list is what I am told it is. And part of me is not really panicking as it likely will take me that long to actually be ready to be anatomically correctly female and in a position to quite definitely object to changing in front of men.

Right now, regardless of my outfit, the moment I take the clothes off, I still have nothing to hide, nothing to suddenly worry about. I'd be just another male looking human.

I have not grown up wearing dresses. I have no old dresses no too small dresses or too big dresses, or too worn, or no longer the in fashion. There's no skirts, no bras no panties as yet. And yeah sure, I could walk into Pennington's and tell the staff I need an outfit, and plan to walk out the door with what I walked in with all in a bag, and put it on the plastic. Well I could do it once. But eventually you need to put things in the laundry.

My wife's half of the closet, it has a lot of things she never wears. I have a lot of things I hardly wear too. We all have lots of things that are just there. And it takes time for that effect. I have more pairs of socks than I can recall, I have plenty of underwear. Not one pair of panties.
I don't care how many bras my wife considers 'acceptable', in my case none is a bit rough.

Make up, my sister likely has favourite colours. Me, I have noooooo idea what the right colours would be. I look at the Avon catalogues, and I just skim past make up. How the heck do you shop for something you have never used before? I can buy jewellery, as you either like it or you don't. So I actually have a collection now, where I can sit and wonder, 'what do I want to wear today?'.

Shoes. My winter shoes, well the soles, same crappy only good for a season based soles. Holes in them, as they make the damned things hollow. I suppose some call that comfortable. I'd rather have the solid shoes of my youth that took 5 years to even make look worn. I don't want to buy more men's shoes. I don't want to buy more men's pants. I wish all of this had been something that was done so long ago.

But you can't turn back the clock.

I know the young here are all about panicking about not wanting to wait, about impatience. Hey, you have time.
Enjoy the process, you have your whole life.
I sure wish mine had been spent acquiring all the trappings though.
My wife feels like a new top, it's just a new top. If the price is too high, no biggie, she just decides to wait for a sale.
I won't get anywhere being too fussy, too picky.

There is more to transition than the cost of HRT and SRT.

All those years, and I never saw the clues. Catch up in your 50s sucks. I'm surrounded by all the wrong junk.

Honey,

I went at 59, I'm now 61. Oh I wish I was 50.

You are feeling blue over the past. You have a rational brain, the past has gone, as we know the future is what we have.

Embrace it.

Hugs

C

This is something that has crossed my mind as well. I suppose I fall in the 'young' category in that I'm almost 33. But even still, I won't be starting HRT until at least May/June as I'm trying to patiently wait for my wife to catch up with me. I suppose the effects of HRT when you're in your 30s aren't going to be lessened all that much by 6 months of waiting. But as I wait, I have time to think.

I had a very close lesbian friend from high school who killed herself when Hawaii didn't pass equal marriage laws in the 90s. She was the only person I really mentioned how I feel about being assigned to the male gender, and while neither of us understood what Transgender was (the fraise lgbT wasn't something I actually heard until some time in the early 2000s), and simply took the stance, "Wow. that sucks that you're stuck like this", she did respect me for who I was. We where even starting to date since she accepted me as a woman even though we didn't realize transition was a reality. One night she just told me flat out, "they're never going to let us be who we are." That's the last thing I heard from her. That's been on my mind since hearing that Hawaii finally passed equal marriage laws a few days ago.

Over the years, It's crossed my mind more than anything else, that I just can't picture her old. She'll always be young in my mind no matter how old I live to be. I miss her so much.

I on the other hand, have the opposite problem. Due to tragedy after tragedy from birth until I moved out on my own, and on top of that not knowing how to deal with being transgender until very recently and living with what I can only describe as pure stress, anger, and frustration with myself until coming to terms with it, it has crossed my mind that I will go through life having never been young.

What do I mean by that?

When I was born, I was born premature by 3 months due to my mother using crack. I wound up being lucky to walk away from that half blind and chronically sick until I was 10, nearly dying a few times from pneumonia . My parents got divorced. My mother re-married. I was abused in every possible way for years after trying to explain I was a girl when I was very young (4, but possibly younger). My mother left him, then committed suicide leaving her body in the bathroom for me to find after school. And that's all just until I was 7. By the time I was 14, things had started to calm down, but I was understandably a nervous wreck requiring 4 years of psychological therapy, all of it given to me by military psychiatrists since my dad and step mom (who is who I'm usually referring to when I talk about mom) where military. Part of why it's taken me so long to come to terms with being transgender is because of the advice I was given by my first psychiatrist when I tried explaining that I felt like I should have been born a girl, which was in a nut shell, "Don't think about it and you'll be fine".

So, by the time I was 18, I'd come to terms with some of the stuff I'd been through. Then when my friend jumped off a building ... I just packed up and moved to the other side of the country and tried to live life as best I could. And that's my childhood, and that's the abridged Disney version.

I've never felt young. It's just never been in the cards for me.

I'll have to settle for eventually just feeling normal, and it's going to have to be enough.

Not pleasant at all Amy, I suppose you don't miss those years at all.

Me, I had a cliche childhood raised in an cliche Leave it to Beaver home. I skipped out on the teens though, in my own way. I was too into books to notice what teens called teenage life. I jumped from being an army cadet into being a soldier at 17. By the time the army dream was allowed to be considered a not going to happen truth, I was in my 20s and too late to be a teenager.

As such, I just can't relate to teens at all. Dating? I have no idea what dating is. I met my wife as a dare (challenged a female drinking friend to set me up). We hit it off immediately, so while I can say we 'dated' I made it known early on I wanted a relationship, so I was essentially engaged soon enough that she was my girlfriend only briefly, and my fiance for only as long as we had to wait on getting married.

But I look back now, and I am often depressed just thinking on how much of my life, percentage wise, has been suffering from the damned depression (ie the disability). I haven't worked since 94, so I have no idea what it is like to be TG at work, I can't even relate to being an employee any more.

I won't be getting the old age pension for another 14 years, couldn't care less. I'm a senior now though is any other way that counts.
It does tend to get a bit annoying that while shopping with my mother, we tend to like the same clothing. Ie I am basically going to be shopping for an old woman

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on November 10, 2013, 09:54:43 AM
Not pleasant at all Amy, I suppose you don't miss those years at all.
It does tend to get a bit annoying that while shopping with my mother, we tend to like the same clothing. Ie I am basically going to be shopping for an old woman

Sounds depressing ..

With estrogen + surgery + chemical peels + healthy eating + exercise ... you can look like you are in your thirties probably, and live a good female adult life.

Love, hugs, Best Wishes

Quote from: genderhell on November 10, 2013, 12:22:13 PM
Sounds depressing ..

With estrogen + surgery + chemical peels + healthy eating + exercise ... you can look like you are in your thirties probably, and live a good female adult life.

Love, hugs, Best Wishes

It's depressing. And (...to keep my post on topic!) there just are days when I really wish I had the chance to be young because I really only feel I've truly started to live in the last few months. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there are some really bad days where I sit down and wonder to myself just exactly at what point is it socially acceptable to just admit the world really is out to get me and give up.

It's not all bad though. I'm a lot happier these days since admitting to myself that I'm a transgender woman and starting therapy.

Working on the weight loss now. Down 40 pounds! I hope to lose another 70 more to get back down to the weight I was when I got married and am trying to lose as much of it as I can before I start HRT. Also working on growing my hair out, and buying a few small accessories to wear just around the house when I'm alone or with my wife, trying out some things like women's deodorant and light makeup to figure out what I'm allergic to (I have very sensitive skin) and what I do and don't like. Also starting voice therapy, and once I find some free time when their office is open I also have about 2 and a half thousand dollars set aside specifically to start laser hair removal.

I'm also still working toward my degree to become an art teacher. My daughter is healthy and happy. My wife is looking for a job in a bigger city that we would both be happier in (we want to move, and not just because of me being trans). While I haven't told everyone, the people I have told that I'm transgender have all been supportive even if there is occasionally some understandable confusion. I feel more and more optimistic about the future all the time. Even ENDA has passed in the senate (even if it most likely won't see a vote in the house) and it's just a matter of time now before it does eventually get passed. The future is looking brighter every day, even if it is going to be a bit of a walk.

...But yeah. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I wish I had the chance to be truly young.

I'm young at heart, but, my cane tends to make me seem like a senior.

I mean darn, I have been asked if I need help across the street 4 times in the last two years!
I was asked if I needed help crossing in the parking lot!

I was mistaken for my mother's husband once (she thought it was funny grrrr).

My new hair look seems to have reduced my appearance of age some have told me.

Bu the only thing that makes me 'feel' young are my hobbies being typically assumed to be 'kids choices'. I own a Nintendo DSiXL, I play role games, I build models. I have been told that's for kids. Mainly though by people that forgot how to be young.