Well, Hello everyone of this Forum. My name's Marcus James, but by birth it's Jillian Leigh. Please, though, call me by my male name. I'm new to the feelings of wanting to be male..
I guess I'll start from the beginning. I remember as a little kid I always felt better around the boys, liked sports and video games(though, there weren't as many video games as there are now.), I never really felt right in my skin. I liked "working out" when I wasn't too lazy (which, nine out of ten times, I WAS too lazy) I would do things that at age 6 or 7 were considered boyish. I wanted to be a superhero like all the heros I watched (my favorite was Batman). However, I did like girly things, too, like the Disney Princesses, barbies (my favorite was Ken), I was interested in make up too.
As I got older, connecting with boys was the easier thing for me to do, though, not a lot of the kids liked me due to being hyper and "too weird". But when I did have friend, they were generally guys. I didn't quite understand a lot of things and feelings I had. Like, I remember one time I was at my friend Jon's and he had this really awesome inground swimming pool and I didn't have a bathingsuit. The way we fixed the problem was his mother gave me a pair of shorts and a shirt to wear. I kept asking to take my shirt off, and she kept saying no. I didn't understand why, I guess because I considered myself a guy back then too, and, well, in his mothers eyes, I wasn't.
Growing up, I felt as if I wasn't "me". I always wanted super short boy length hair when I was little, and my mother never gave it to me. I think the one and only time I've ever been happy with my haircut was when I tried cutting it myself, botched it, and had to get it fixed and got a short hair cut that was no where near my shoulders, minus the side bangs.
I guess when I started really piecing things together, was about a year ago. I met another FTM through my old modeling on Facebook in eighth grade, which was last year between September and November. I started learning about the term Transgender and something inside me kind of "clicked" so to say. I'm not sure what happened, because last years a blurr.
Then, this past, I'd say January to March, my ex boyfriend told me he was a MTF transgender. I loved him regardless and supported him until he told me it was just a phase. But when I was told this, I started questioning my sexual identity. I talked to my brother Nathan about how I felt like a male sometimes, and he told me that I was GenderQueer. I looked into it, and I could relate to some of the terms with in the vast generalization of GenderQueer.
I figured these feelings would pass, but they didn't. I created my own Male name (Marcus James) and over time I felt more and more manly, and boyish, even if I'm really not manly in my honest opinion. I started hating having my feminine curves, and my large chest. I'll admit, I do still like to wear dresses and skirts on occasion, along with my boots and make up.
My feelings of wanting to be male got stronger when I met my MTF girlfriend Aisha. Something about her just made me feel like a man and like I fit and that things were right. The more days that went by, the more I felt a male. She's been the biggest support through this. I know I'm rambling but I figured this place would be my safest place to get all of this out.
That's my story everyone. Umm.. yeah haha.. I dunno what else to say.
