I'm told I can't have a job while I'm at school. Without a job, I don't have money. Without money, I can't finance the start beginning transition. When I can't begin transition, my depression worsens. When my depression worsens I start to do poorly academically. When I do poorly academically, I get depressed all over again and fail out of school. I Don't want to do that. Getting a job solves all that but dad doesn't understand. He can't understand yet. How should I tell him? Should I go behind his back and get a job anyways? I'm so lost and confused.

Trying so hard to keep it together for everyone, pretending I'm ok, when really I feel like I'm going to fall apart at any moment.

Quote from: Joe. on November 10, 2013, 04:51:19 PM
Trying so hard to keep it together for everyone, pretending I'm ok, when really I feel like I'm going to fall apart at any moment.

I know how that is. *HUGS*

Quote from: Joe. on November 10, 2013, 04:51:19 PMTrying so hard to keep it together for everyone, pretending I'm ok, when really I feel like I'm going to fall apart at any moment.

The past 4 years of my life, and a good amount of everyone on here's lives.

Quote from: spacerace on November 10, 2013, 05:11:14 PM
I haven't gone 24 hours without consuming MJ in over 6 months. Every morning I wake up and say 'none today' and yet once again I failed to stop myself. It's not physically addicting, yet it is affecting my life, and I always find a reason why one more day is okay. I am so unhappy with myself.

I'm trying to google MJ, and you are either eating the remains of Michael Jackson, or Pot Brownies...


It's well past bed time and I haven't washed my extension. Since I've been at least two days without using it holed up at home, I think it should last one more day before cleaning it...

6 breakfasts made,18 rooms bedding & towels cleared from rooms,4 rooms cleaned started 09 10 finally sat down for first meal of day at 18 30.My sciatica,cellulitis & knee cartilage is killing me.

Quote from: Apple Sprout on November 10, 2013, 05:23:51 PM

I'm trying to google MJ, and you are either eating the remains of Michael Jackson, or Pot Brownies...

Lol the first thing I thought was "Michael Jackson" too.

Quote from: caleb. on November 10, 2013, 05:48:46 PM
Lol the first thing I thought was "Michael Jackson" too.

I'd say Mary Jane (Watson)... but she's a euphemism too!

I'm thinking of just giving up on everything. I don't appear at all what I am inside. On the inside, I am creative, warm, loving, emotional, delicate, motherly, and exquisite. On the outside, I am intimidating, rude, vile, rigid, and repulsive. Even if I change my appearance to female, my bad feelings still follow. Like I'm expected to be all those bad things.
Everything is so frustrating, it feels like I can't get anything right and will never be deserving of anything nice. Sometimes I feel hallucinational, like I am yelling "MAKE IT STOP!" to myself even though I can change nothing.

I don't even know where I'm going with this.

Quote from: kabit on November 10, 2013, 05:54:37 PM
I'd say Mary Jane (Watson)... but she's a euphemism too!

I'd take her every day for 6 months.

Quote from: Willow on November 10, 2013, 06:05:53 PM
I'm thinking of just giving up on everything. I don't appear at all what I am inside. On the inside, I am creative, warm, loving, emotional, delicate, motherly, and exquisite. On the outside, I am intimidating, rude, vile, rigid, and repulsive. Even if I change my appearance to female, my bad feelings still follow. Like I'm expected to be all those bad things.
Everything is so frustrating, it feels like I can't get anything right and will never be deserving of anything nice. Sometimes I feel hallucinational, like I am yelling "MAKE IT STOP!" to myself even though I can change nothing.

I don't even know where I'm going with this.

I can tell you one thing Willow. The more progress I make in my transition, the better I generally feel. Most of my negative traits like anger, depression, being socially inept and probably a few other, went away. Now all of my positive traits come out and I don't have the same problems that I did before.

I know part of your problem is that you can't afford to transition right now but if you hang in there, one day you can and Willow will come out in all of her glory and leave "him" behind her.

Quote from: Willow on November 10, 2013, 06:05:53 PM
I'm thinking of just giving up on everything. I don't appear at all what I am inside. On the inside, I am creative, warm, loving, emotional, delicate, motherly, and exquisite. On the outside, I am intimidating, rude, vile, rigid, and repulsive. Even if I change my appearance to female, my bad feelings still follow. Like I'm expected to be all those bad things.
Everything is so frustrating, it feels like I can't get anything right and will never be deserving of anything nice. Sometimes I feel hallucinational, like I am yelling "MAKE IT STOP!" to myself even though I can change nothing.

I don't even know where I'm going with this.

Relax, take a deep breath, it's going to get better hon and you're going to be ok.

Quote from: Amelia Pond on November 10, 2013, 06:11:10 PMI can tell you one thing Willow. The more progress I make in my transition, the better I generally feel. Most of my negative traits like anger, depression, being socially inept and probably a few other, went away. Now all of my positive traits come out and I don't have the same problems that I did before.
I know part of your problem is that you can't afford to transition right now but if you hang in there, one day you can and Willow will come out in all of her glory and leave "him" behind her.

I know my anger comes from testosterone. depression and social ineptitude from dysphoria. I already fixed my balance by just walking normally instead of trying to fake a "masculine" walk.
I can't even afford to start. With dad saying that I can't have a job (and even if my family is accepting they likely won't give me any money for it) and a quickly diminishing number in my checking account, I won't even be able to afford food during Thanksgiving break. Hanging in there is so hard to do, especially when it causes depression and my grades to suffer, my mind and body with them.

Quote from: Shantel on November 10, 2013, 06:17:51 PMRelax, take a deep breath, it's going to get better hon and you're going to be ok.

But when? The sooner the better, lest I destroy myself through destructive processes because I'm to that point where I just can't handle it anymore.

Quote from: Willow on November 10, 2013, 06:19:52 PM
I know my anger comes from testosterone. depression and social ineptitude from dysphoria. I already fixed my balance by just walking normally instead of trying to fake a "masculine" walk.
I can't even afford to start. With dad saying that I can't have a job (and even if my family is accepting they likely won't give me any money for it) and a quickly diminishing number in my checking account, I won't even be able to afford food during Thanksgiving break. Hanging in there is so hard to do, especially when it causes depression and my grades to suffer, my mind and body with them.But when? The sooner the better, lest I destroy myself through destructive processes because I'm to that point where I just can't handle it anymore.

I've found that these things are just life's tests, the crucible in which we are refined to get better at what we aspire to become. There are those who refuse to endure this phase and check out, it's unfortunate and makes the rest of us miserable for a short while, but we continue on because "We are the champion"s like Freddy Mercury sings. You have everything it takes to be a champion and a winner, set your resolve to get through it and change the tape that's currently running in your head. We're here for you Willow! Feel free to pm me anytime.

Quote from: Shantel on November 10, 2013, 06:32:08 PMI've found that these things are just life's tests, the crucible in which we are refined to get better at what we aspire to become. There are those who refuse to endure this phase and check out, it's unfortunate and makes the rest of us miserable for a short while, but we continue on because "We are the champion"s like Freddy Mercury sings. You have everything it takes to be a champion and a winner, set your resolve to get through it and change the tape that's currently running in your head. We're here for you Willow! Feel free to pm me anytime.

I'm trying to push through so hard, but I feel emotionally overwhelmed. Just ready to shut down and let it pass. But that doesn't work. I need something, just that boost to get me over, and I'm afraid I'll choose the wrong one and spiral down.
I'm not saying all this about transition, I'm also saying this about life; I need the former to properly function in the latter.

Quote from: Willow on November 10, 2013, 06:45:01 PM
I'm trying to push through so hard, but I feel emotionally overwhelmed. Just ready to shut down and let it pass. But that doesn't work. I need something, just that boost to get me over, and I'm afraid I'll choose the wrong one and spiral down.
I'm not saying all this about transition, I'm also saying this about life; I need the former to properly function in the latter.

If you are coming under familial pressure perhaps you need to put a little of this burning passion that we all have on the back burner for a short while so that you can complete your eduction and become upwardly mobile and out on your own and pick up where you left off. You will either have to be pragmatic about this or suffer the consequences like so many here who live off a government dole and will never realize the fullness of their dreams. The choice is yours honey.

Quote from: Willow on November 10, 2013, 06:45:01 PM
I'm trying to push through so hard, but I feel emotionally overwhelmed. Just ready to shut down and let it pass. But that doesn't work. I need something, just that boost to get me over, and I'm afraid I'll choose the wrong one and spiral down.
I'm not saying all this about transition, I'm also saying this about life; I need the former to properly function in the latter.

I can't offer any specific things you can do. I totally feel for what you're going through - it sounds like the problem I've got (though  worse?). I somehow learned to cope for years, and now that's gone.

I can say that, if you can bide, cope as much as possible, and get through the tough times... what follows will be absolutely amazing. You'll look back on these times and be proud of your strength and your accomplishments. Take each day on its own and make your way to that point you need to get to.

Until then... why not look for a job for that Friday off? The worst that can happen is that you'll get one!

Stay strong!! ♥ ♥

Quote from: Shantel on November 10, 2013, 06:53:30 PMIf you are coming under familial pressure perhaps you need to put a little of this burning passion that we all have on the back burner for a short while so that you can complete your eduction and become upwardly mobile and out on your own and pick up where you left off. You will either have to be pragmatic about this or suffer the consequences like so many here who live off a government dole and will never realize the fullness of their dreams. The choice is yours honey.

Sooner is better, because my grades will suffer until this gets fixed.
I don't even know how to tell my family. So that's really the next step. I had an idea, but lost it. When I visit the LGBT resource centre at school there may be some sort of resource to help out.

Quote from: kabit on November 10, 2013, 06:58:51 PMI can't offer any specific things you can do. I totally feel for what you're going through - it sounds like the problem I've got (though  worse?). I somehow learned to cope for years, and now that's gone.
I can say that, if you can bide, cope as much as possible, and get through the tough times... what follows will be absolutely amazing. You'll look back on these times and be proud of your strength and your accomplishments. Take each day on its own and make your way to that point you need to get to.
Until then... why not look for a job for that Friday off? The worst that can happen is that you'll get one!
Stay strong!! ♥ ♥

I've been trying to cope for 4 years. I can't go much longer. I just feel like I want to make some headway in transition, an it'll help immensly. Would I be correct in thinking that?
Accomplishments are not much at this time. My scores are at an all time low. I think I've realized something about myself and it's let everything unwind, in the most negative way possible.
And my dad gets angry at me for getting a job that's "taking up study time"

Quote from: spacerace on November 10, 2013, 07:12:10 PM
MJ means marijuana...

as in...for the last 6 months, if I am awake, there is a 85% chance I am high.

By posting about this, I want to publicly shame myself into getting over this incredibly silly problem of being unable to make myself stop smoking marijuana. It is not addictive, yet it is negatively impacting my life. Marijuana is less harmful than alcohol - I'm just really lame.(and bipolar) but I need to fix this asap before my therapist makes me do something that will cost money to try and stop smoking it. I don't think I could live that down to myself if I have to get help for a marijuana addiction issue.

I've never taken it... but that sounds like an addiction to me. It's not always the substance itself that's addictive. Alcohol is not addictive yet there are plenty of addicts. Bad food is not addictive, but obesity is an epidemic.

If you can't kick it yourself... get some help!!

Quote from: Willow on November 10, 2013, 07:17:18 PM
Sooner is better, because my grades will suffer until this gets fixed.
I don't even know how to tell my family. So that's really the next step. I had an idea, but lost it. When I visit the LGBT resource centre at school there may be some sort of resource to help out.

I've been trying to cope for 4 years. I can't go much longer. I just feel like I want to make some headway in transition, an it'll help immensly. Would I be correct in thinking that?
Accomplishments are not much at this time. My scores are at an all time low. I think I've realized something about myself and it's let everything unwind, in the most negative way possible.
And my dad gets angry at me for getting a job that's "taking up study time"

I don't like to give specific advice, but it sounds like you know what you need to do! You need help with therapy and HRT and either you tell your family or, if you don't think that will work out well, you need to get that help on your own. The LGBT center must have those resources?