Colour me stupid dumb clueless oblivious and certainly not smart.

I clearly see a phony world, one I have conned myself into believing. It's no wonder I have never actually seen a homosexual, or a working girl or a dope deal. I'm severely naive.

Nothing seems worth anything any more. I have found out, all the things I thought were the case, are not.

All I thought I knew, well it has not been how I knew it.

Years of textbooks and I know nothing of life. I bought the wrong life it seems. I have simply done the got the wrong degree mistake several times. No one seems to need anything I know.

And I've been rambling on about things I believed in, all while just not getting it. I feel like a total idiot.

I couldn't care less if I see tomorrow. No suicidal thoughts here, no need for panic. I just don't know if I have anything to care about right now though. I'd be happy if I were to be run over by a truck though.

I just don't know how to care about life any more. I want to just curl up into a ball and wait to expire.

I understand where you're coming from (or I think I may anyways). It often seems like a lot of life is just an illusion. You think one thing and find out it's another, and then find out that new thing you discovered is not true as well. I find the best way (for me) is to just not think too much about it. There's a mirage in place and that's just the way it is.

I don't think you're an idiot at all, you always came across as very intelligent to me.

Massively educated yes. I have a body of knowledge most will discount out of hand, and I couldn't care less.

Intelligent though? no, intelligent means smart, not required to mean education, merely not stupid. I know a great deal more than most, but it doesn't make me necessarily smart. I do tend to have the answer in a lot of cases, but, factoids are like possessions, they are just things you carry around.

I have found myself, for all my vast store of knowledge, to all the same be unable to just not do stupid things, to not just be clueless with the mundane.

There are a few things connected to my lot in life, that I have considered to be true. I have found out they are not as I had thought them. Various portions of my life, have evidently not been accurate. I have found out some details, things I have been rambling on about, and I find out, oh that was not the case. It tends to make you feel like a complete schmuck too.

No I have not lost any friends recently. No I have not lost and family recently. But, it appears I might have been regarding some of the professionals in my life incorrectly. And in some cases, I have simply not being hearing, and in some cases simply have not been told, a few details, that sure would have been nice to have been told sooner.

I find myself wondering, ok I can't zig, and I can't zag, and there isn't a third option, so what the hell do I do?
Damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I have spent all day just going through the motions now basically wondering, what is the point, I am not sure I have a point any more now.

It is hard to do anything at all, when there in no joy in anything at all.

I am not sure what's going on, but I hope you sort things out. I really like your posts, and I like how you always seem confident and unafraid to say your opinion even if you know it won't be popular. I know you're smart, and you'll find a way to make things work again. There's zig, and zag, but there's also just free-styling.

QuoteThere are a few things connected to my lot in life, that I have considered to be true. I have found out they are not as I had thought them. Various portions of my life, have evidently not been accurate. I have found out some details, things I have been rambling on about, and I find out, oh that was not the case. It tends to make you feel like a complete schmuck too.

I've had a similar experience, and I felt like a complete moron when I discovered the truth and also just how easily I could've known about the truth long ago. I feel so stupid about it that I don't even like telling people what it was that I discovered. It's like, damn, I am such a sucker. 

Hey girl, what's going on???

You have me concerned.  PM me if you like. 

I have been there; hit by the bus that was on a road I didn't even see.  Generally, that happened because I was looking elsewhere and not hearing the horn. It happens to the best of us, the smartest of us and even the most careful.  If we are lucky, we pick ourselves up, duct tape the cuts shut and maybe wrap a bone or two and then go on.  You are strong.  We are here to help.... 

Hugs,

Jen

I've been there to my whole life but in my case I didn't finish high school no tertiary study no university I have gone through my life not knowing who or what I am I have been miserable all my life I have really have felt I have had nothing to give the world it wasn't until I accepted who I really was and embraced it then I found happiness in my life .

I really hope that you can find a solution to your problem and find happiness too.

Emily.T xx

I will mention, I have been a bit vague. I don't feel like specifics.

Last night was a major meltdown too, complete nervous collapse, and migraine like conditions. I am still not feeling too good.

I was essentially unable to think enough to speak in basic conversation I was so traumatized feeling.

I have still been more or less hiding today. Have not gone out, not in a hurry to go out.

Part of me wants to just disappear from sight.

No zig, no zag.

Two choices and neither of them leads to happiness.

Everything I do, it seems to have stopped bringing me joy.

My head hurts so much. I can barely take the stress.

I have found myself unable to speak coherently now. Maybe a mental block. I am about as verbose as a human can be. So me being unable to communicate means something is very wrong.

I have been making my models. It's about all I can do to make me do that too. I just want to never come out of my apartment right now.

We are here when/if you ever want to talk about it.

Hugs,

Jen

It is enough just that you are here.

I have no school to got to, no work to be at. I have 1 family member I see in town. I have local friends I can see in person, but thankfully I can say hello on Facebook too. Aside from groceries, I only tend to leave the house to buy models.

It would be nice if there were more meaningful places to go in town, but, at the same time, it is handy, that I CAN run almost all of my life without ever needing to leave my home. I might start settling for going for walks intentionally at night, or parts of the day everyone is at home or just that moment when the businesses have either just opened or are about to close.

There isn't much need to care about my appearance, if there is almost no one to see it.

No this isn't an 'I am ugly' rant, it's me realizing, I don't need to care about clothes, until I actually require them. And I can get by in a wretched shirt I use to make models in while at home and it not mean anything. I don't need to be male or female if it's just a grubby shirt I don't care if gets paint on. I don't need to worry about what I look like, if it's just mean playing a game.

Sometimes lonely isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person.

Managed to go out today, didn't want to go out today, but went out today anyway.

Went out as always went to where I always go. Dropped by moms, had a bowl of cereal while dropping off her groceries. Went back downtown to bank scored funds for a set of knives she wanted. Dropped by the hobby store, scored some great kits, had lunch next door at Smitty's and grabbed the knife set at Canadian Tire on way back to mom's. Intercepted wife as she was leaving mom's (she was doing her an errand), retained her till after I dropped off knife set then went past bakery on the way home.

Sounds like a cliche day. But, I am still feeling utterly unsure about anything.

Glad to be home, not in a hurry to go out again. Got my hobby fix, no need to go anywhere tomorrow.
Mom has a urge to go out Friday.
But I find myself looking forward to just not going out unless there is substantial gain for me, otherwise I'd rather stay home.

My desire to go out just for the sake of going out is currently in tatters.

Hey, hope you're doing a little better since your last post.

I can say I've had a few of those days, where nothing seems to go right maybe? I admit since my coming out, I have felt the way you do a few times. Not suicidal, nothing bad happening, no problem thoughts or anything, just the day doesn't feel right. My mom likes to refer to it as "a funk." lol. It'll pass. Luckily for me, they only last a day or two.

Keep strong. Don't forget about all your support on here. PM anyone (me included) if you need to talk. I have google+ if you want to chat. Just remember that if things are bad, they usually get better, not worse. (Most of the time)

I'm hoping it was a very bad storm and nothing else.

It's in my nature, I don't dwell on things long.

I have had a few good things happen recently, well when I say good I am not talking anything special. New model came in, the thing is awesome. I also got a seriously incredible new wargame.

Part of me wants to go and get lost in them. Part of me is still waiting for something bad to happen.