I am 39 year old.

For a long I thought I was a ->-bleeped-<- because I was a nylon stockings fetichist and because the DSM was telling me that I could not be trans because of that.  I also didn't think that I WAS a woman (as for me woman meant female) but just wanted to be a woman.

Over the last 2 years, little by little, I realized these things =

1) the DSM was crappy and knew nothing about trans

2) I was not a simple man jerking off in stockings but that were was something more. That I did not dress only for sexual plays. That I was expressing an identity that was not masculine. That I did not have a man's identification but rather between man and woman, a mix.

3) The queer theory explains the difference between sex and gender so I understood that I could be a woman with a penis or a mix.

About 1 year ago I want out of the closet as a transgender, a male feeling more woman than man. So I told people I was meeting about that feeling.

About 6 months ago I stared posted pics of me online without hiding my face at all.

2 month ago I even walked more than 1 hour in the street by night and took a public night bus for 40 min to go home after having spent the evening in a trans party (I had been outside before but never as far from my house and never took any public transport before).

5 years ago I started sex with men despite I never felt attracted to men. I wanted to act like a woman and be seen as a woman by men to make my dream more realistic. I didn't like it for a long time as I was always disappointed. I prefered playing alone with a dildo (since I was a teenager) in my room. I never kissed a man.

Now I enjoy sex with men, I even dream about kissing a man when having sex. By having sex with men I realized that I never loved sex with girls but just was attracted because I wanted to be them.

I hope to date a man very soon and see how it feels to be with a man as a girl out of sex like a normal woman.

I was in therapy for a long time. Individual ( 1 year and 4 years) and group (2 years), thinking that I was borderline or cyclothymic.

I stopped the individual 1 year ago and have been fired from the group 2 weeks ago. The shrink who is the chief of the service told me that I was not really ill. I told him about my gender dysphoria. He did not even know what it was and told me that in the hospital there was a gender specialist who could help me.

Soon I will see the gender specialist. And I think that I will tell him that I would like to test hormones as I am sure that I have gender dysphoria and that sooner or later I will kill myself because of this dysphoria.

I now wonder if I am not a transsexual who was hiding his feelings because being trans was too scary.

I am not into the theory of the woman I to a man's body. But I think that I would be 10 times happier if I was a real woman and probably happier if I could be openly trans and live as trans woman (at least part time).

The question is always the same for any trans = Can I pass ? I don't care about telling that I am trans. I know that I will remain male so I will be trans (woman) and not female.

But being harassed by people because they see you are a male in a woman's role can spoil all the pleasure to be myself and out of the closet.

I am lost.

Is anyone in the same situation ?

Can taking hormones help me to know if I am really trans knowing that it will kill the male libido and normally make me want to stop if I am not trans ?

Could I become a good looking woman (after laser and hormones of course) or will I always look like a drag so with transphobia above my head ?

Thanks for help

Here is who I am

https://www.dropbox.com/s/y5ecusva18rmru6/2013-11-01%2005.54.36.jpg

https://www.dropbox.com/s/sqzzm8om4s6csw6/2013-11-01%2005.45.07-1.jpg


https://www.dropbox.com/s/oivcvs3apgy06me/2013-11-01%2004.54.31.jpg

The hair is my natural hair. No hormones. No surgery. No photoshop. Just not expert make up.

Hi Sasha,

I'm not really in your situation.. I won't be then such a good adviser..
But what I would suggest you, is to defenitly go see more specialist, differents ones.
Get different point of views and stck with the one that you think fits the best with you.
I was lucky that on the first try, I felt on a really ''adviser'' in a social Queer center.

As for the mix between Fantasm, and Identity.. well as I said I'm not an expert..
But I remember I once read, that sometimes thoses fantases are so strong due the the Testosterone Drive !
But befor you start HRT, I would sggest that you see someone more ''empatic and knowledgefull''

As for boys dating, well I would say, if you like it and enjoys it, than there is no problem.
But you shouldn't force yourself to do this if it's just a matter of fealling more feminin.
There is plenty of girls out there fealling as a women, and still being attracted to women ( me for exemple ).

You look also very beautiful, without HRT etc.. you already can pass fsarely well.
Maybe the Hair could be a giveaway. but Give it time !
It's very nioce and courageous that you went out like that and took the Bus!
This is one big step !
..... I havn't made it yet ....   

What helps me to understand myself, is to write tings down.
àThe look back at it a week or two later.
Make a journal, if you don't have one yet.

Also what my therapist said to me, that I found pretty good.
'' you are surching and searching.. but what if you are already there ? ''
Having that In mind could relativize many thought.

Also: Take note of when you feel Happy, why, what makes you happy?
And same for sad feallings.

Well ... I hope you will find some of my thought helpfull !

Keep on Keeping on !!

Sacha, the mind is an interesting thing, no? 

I have heard many stories like yours in my time here at Susan's, and in my own circles of physical existence.  You are on the right path; a gender therapist is most likely the person to go to in order to help you determine the right path for you.  As to what you are:  You are human.  You are *not* a monster or a failure for how you feel.  There are many here who are outright transgendered, there are also a number of ae-gendered or bi-gendered people here. 

Parts of my story may echo yours and be of some help to you:  I came out to myself and the world as gender-fluid when I finally embraced the feminine parts of me, rather than fighting them, denying them, and trying to box myself in a CIS-male box that didn't fit.  It wasn't until I gave myself permission to explore and found that people *could* accept the female me that I realized what I had been suppressing and rejecting all my life, that I am a woman.  At that point, the road ahead became a lot more clear and I found myself seeing an actual future for myself, rather than a hazy fog of day-to-day existence.

That might not be your path.  Perhaps you only wish to be seen/treated as a woman part of the time, but you enjoy having a male body.  Perhaps it's the other way, and you will wish to transition to living as a woman who occasionally expresses herself as male... there are so many options, and so much to work with as you build your future.

But that's the thing, isn't it?  Taking charge of your life, realizing your happiness is important, and taking steps to achieve that happiness.  And you're taking those steps... congratulations!

I wish you luck, traveler. 

*hug*

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 11:43:30 AM
I was a nylon stockings fetichist

I know some women who are nylon stocking fetishists.

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 11:43:30 AM3) The queer theory explains the difference between sex and gender so I understood that I could be a woman with a penis or a mix.

Yep. It's up to the person (and their situation of course).

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 11:43:30 AMAbout 1 year ago I want out of the closet as a transgender, a male feeling more woman than man. So I told people I was meeting about that feeling.

Congratulations.

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 11:43:30 AMSoon I will see the gender specialist. And I think that I will tell him that I would like to test hormones as I am sure that I have gender dysphoria and that sooner or later I will kill myself because of this dysphoria.

Good luck.

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 11:43:30 AMI now wonder if I am not a transsexual who was hiding his feelings because being trans was too scary.

You'll figure that out. You don't need to take any steps you don't want and you don't need to rush to a decision.

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 11:43:30 AMI am not into the theory of the woman I to a man's body. But I think that I would be 10 times happier if I was a real woman and probably happier if I could be openly trans and live as trans woman (at least part time).

You are not alone.

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 11:43:30 AMThe question is always the same for any trans = Can I pass ? I don't care about telling that I am trans. I know that I will remain male so I will be trans (woman) and not female.

From the pictures, I'd say you pass. Your face is a nice shape. (Sorry I am bad with words.)

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 11:43:30 AMIs anyone in the same situation?

Yes and I'm sure they will also reply.

Ohh !!!

Sorry for saying something about the Hair !!
I had not read that last line... oups!
Maybe I thought the haircut was in a sense a little classic, I used to work in a funky hairdressing salon and I might be ... picky on hair... With a flat Iron (you can still make them curly with a flat iron) and some hair silk, you could get rid of the unwanted messy hair going in many directions, and get a very soft silky flow.
That is often the problem of wigs since the are to dry.
That is maybe why I previously said that..

anyway.... 

But you shouldn't be so afraid about passing, you are already very beautiful. 

I am so jealous of Your face and hair

Sacha, first off let me tell you that after looking at your photos you are very beautiful, and lucky that you haven't taken HRT to achieve that. I agree with Inazuma that you pass fairly well, but why be worried about finding a label for yourself. Just enjoy who you are and what you are able to do.  If you're able to finder agender specialist, sit down and talk with him/her and lay your cards on the table and really tell them about your inner feelings about how you feel towards having sex with men as opposed to having sex with woman.

We should eliminate the barriers that separate us. Male all clothing acceptable for everybody. Eliminate sex-separate public facilities (restrooms, locker rooms, showers, etc.), sports teams, etc. Treat everybody equally without regard to their genitals and other body features.

Quote from: Inazuma on November 11, 2013, 12:17:12 PM
Ohh !!!

Sorry for saying something about the Hair !!
I had not read that last line... oups!
Maybe I thought the haircut was in a sense a little classic, I used to work in a funky hairdressing salon and I might be ... picky on hair... With a flat Iron (you can still make them curly with a flat iron) and some hair silk, you could get rid of the unwanted messy hair going in many directions, and get a very soft silky flow.
That is often the problem of wigs since the are to dry.
That is maybe why I previously said that..

anyway.... 

But you shouldn't be so afraid about passing, you are already very beautiful. 

.

You criticized my hair ? Shocking ! I thought you were telling that as they were long it may be a proof that I really wanted to be a woman.

I cut my hair alone. I just died them to hide grey hair. First time in my life.

Of course with a proper hairdo and good color I would look better.

I know my hair look like a wig...I may the only trans having a fake wig ?

And I am French so I my English is lame. Sorry.

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 11, 2013, 12:21:25 PM
I am so jealous of Your face and hair

My fake wig ?!

Buy a real wig you will have the same effect...

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 01:38:18 PM
I know my hair look like a wig...I may the only trans having a fake wig ?

And I am French so I my English is lame. Sorry.

*heh*  I have a number of wigs, too... I'm still looking for a really good one.

Et moi, ma francaise est tres mauvais, aussi. 

*hugs*

Quote from: Gina Taylor on November 11, 2013, 12:32:10 PM
Sacha, first off let me tell you that after looking at your photos you are very beautiful, and lucky that you haven't taken HRT to achieve that. I agree with Inazuma that you pass fairly well, but why be worried about finding a label for yourself. Just enjoy who you are and what you are able to do.  If you're able to finder agender specialist, sit down and talk with him/her and lay your cards on the table and really tell them about your inner feelings about how you feel towards having sex with men as opposed to having sex with woman.

The therapist will be free for me so I could talk and talk...

I am not worried so much about label but rather about how I should live.

For the moment I do not really live.  I am some sort of no life. 15 hours per day online. No job for 11 years. Still living with parents. Totally not functional as a man, incapable to take any responsibility, like a kid. As if I never went trough puberty because I did not want to be a man (but a woman?).

Though I went to university for 5 years and graduated in finance, I never smoked, never drunk, or took any drug. So I am not so borderline that I may think I was.

I do not feel lame, freak, monster. I rather feel special and interesting.

But I think more and more often about suicide. I do not ask anymore if I will kill myself one day. Now I only ask when. Not if.

And this suicidal ideas are always linked to gender/sexual situations.

I was a virgin till 22, never even kissed anyone before 22. I stayed 5 years with my forts girlfriend. 5 years with the second. I even lived 1 year in the house of a third. But I never enjoyed sex with women. I always felt depressed and angry and irritating after sex. Now I would tell dysphoric as I learnt online about what was dysphoria.

It sounds like the asexual side that many trans are supposed to have. 22 years. While I was rather sexy as I look better as a man than as a woman.

To be honest, if I was living alone I would spend much time as a woman and go outside often. I may even be in couple with a man.

I do not really care about what other people think about me. I just would like to avoid being killed and harassed. Hence my will to pass.

My mother knows that I dress. She tells that I am a perv and that I should stop. She told she would kill me if she sees me I drag. So if I want to kill myself...it is easy !  Though she told me she wanted a daughter....

I do not care being a perv. This is a moral judgement that has no sense for me as I have no religion and no taboo.

I just want to know how to live to feel less dysphoric.

Quote from: Robin Mack on November 11, 2013, 01:52:06 PM
*heh*  I have a number of wigs, too... I'm still looking for a really good one.

Et moi, ma francaise est tres mauvais, aussi. 

*hugs*

It is not a wig but only looks like a wig.

I would not wear a wig. I want to be myself. Not a social clone following female social norms to the point of wearing fake hair.

Quote from: Inazuma on November 11, 2013, 12:17:12 PM
Ohh !!!

Sorry for saying something about the Hair !!
I had not read that last line... oups!
Maybe I thought the haircut was in a sense a little classic, I used to work in a funky hairdressing salon and I might be ... picky on hair... With a flat Iron (you can still make them curly with a flat iron) and some hair silk, you could get rid of the unwanted messy hair going in many directions, and get a very soft silky flow.
That is often the problem of wigs since the are to dry.
That is maybe why I previously said that..

anyway.... 

But you shouldn't be so afraid about passing, you are already very beautiful. 

Thanks for idea.

I did not catch that women used flat iron to make the hair slick. I tend to idealize women...

Do you have an iron to suggest ?

And hairdo I could do by myself ?

Quote
That might not be your path.  Perhaps you only wish to be seen/treated as a woman part of the time, but you enjoy having a male body.  Perhaps it's the other way, and you will wish to transition to living as a woman who occasionally expresses herself as male... there are so many options, and so much to work with as you build your future.

I do not hate my male body but I do not enjoy it either. I do not hate my penis but would trade it for pussy any time without hesitation. I do not like penetrating. It is physically irritating and psychologically depressing. I like to masturbate while thinking I am a woman. I have very sensitive nipples and like receptive anal sex.

When I am a man with a woman I do not like to be touched on the arms, legs or stomach or even to be naked. So I may have a problem with my body. In the role of woman with a man I like to be touched and do not care to undress.

To be happy I bed I need to be a woman. But more and more I think about to be a woman out of bed, like when I took the bus. And this is what makes me think that hormones could be a good move.

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 02:22:58 PM

When I am a man with a woman I do not like to be touched on the arms, legs or stomach or even to be naked. So I may have a problem with my body. In the role of woman with a man I like to be touched and do not care to undress.

To be happy I bed I need to be a woman. But more and more I think about to be a woman out of bed, like when I took the bus. And this is what makes me think that hormones could be a good move.

It certainly sounds that way.  I definitely recommend you get in touch with a gender therapist (as earlier posters and myself have said).  If they agree with you (which is quite likely), they can help move the process along and get you a referral to an endocrinologist (a doctor who deals with hormones).

They can also give a lot of practical help and support throughout your transition.

*hug*

Good luck!

Quote from: Inazuma on November 11, 2013, 12:07:53 PM
Hi Sasha,

I'm not really in your situation.. I won't be then such a good adviser..
But what I would suggest you, is to defenitly go see more specialist, differents ones.
Get different point of views and stck with the one that you think fits the best with you.
I was lucky that on the first try, I felt on a really ''adviser'' in a social Queer center.

As for the mix between Fantasm, and Identity.. well as I said I'm not an expert..
But I remember I once read, that sometimes thoses fantases are so strong due the the Testosterone Drive !
But befor you start HRT, I would sggest that you see someone more ''empatic and knowledgefull''

As for boys dating, well I would say, if you like it and enjoys it, than there is no problem.
But you shouldn't force yourself to do this if it's just a matter of fealling more feminin.
There is plenty of girls out there fealling as a women, and still being attracted to women ( me for exemple ).

You look also very beautiful, without HRT etc.. you already can pass fsarely well.
Maybe the Hair could be a giveaway. but Give it time !
It's very nioce and courageous that you went out like that and took the Bus!
This is one big step !
..... I havn't made it yet ....   

What helps me to understand myself, is to write tings down.
àThe look back at it a week or two later.
Make a journal, if you don't have one yet.

Also what my therapist said to me, that I found pretty good.
'' you are surching and searching.. but what if you are already there ? ''
Having that In mind could relativize many thought.

Also: Take note of when you feel Happy, why, what makes you happy?
And same for sad feallings.

Well ... I hope you will find some of my thought helpfull !

Keep on Keeping on !!

To feel really woman I bed I need a hairy manly man. Because otherwise I know my body looks more male than his and I breaks my illusion of being a woman. So with a feminine body in my bed I will not feel feminine but manly.

It is like a mirror game between me feminine and my lover masculine.

Actually the man is the ice on the cake in my fantasy. My stockings count more than the guy. My libido is on me as a woman and not on him. I like how he makes me feel and what he does to me and not his body. I only like the penis and hair. The rest is useless ! So rather auto erotic.

But with time I feel more attracted than before. And probably could flirt and date if seen as a woman.

Is my hair better here ?


https://www.dropbox.com/s/ojulno8jwn9pvqz/2013-11-01%2004.59.57.jpg

What does "surching" mean ?

Quote from: Sacha on November 11, 2013, 02:03:06 PM
The therapist will be free for me so I could talk and talk...

I am not worried so much about label but rather about how I should live.

For the moment I do not really live.  I am some sort of no life. 15 hours per day online. No job for 11 years. Still living with parents. Totally not functional as a man, incapable to take any responsibility, like a kid. As if I never went trough puberty because I did not want to be a man (but a woman?).

Though I went to university for 5 years and graduated in finance, I never smoked, never drunk, or took any drug. So I am not so borderline that I may think I was.

I do not feel lame, freak, monster. I rather feel special and interesting.

But I think more and more often about suicide. I do not ask anymore if I will kill myself one day. Now I only ask when. Not if.

And this suicidal ideas are always linked to gender/sexual situations.

I was a virgin till 22, never even kissed anyone before 22. I stayed 5 years with my forts girlfriend. 5 years with the second. I even lived 1 year in the house of a third. But I never enjoyed sex with women. I always felt depressed and angry and irritating after sex. Now I would tell dysphoric as I learnt online about what was dysphoria.

It sounds like the asexual side that many trans are supposed to have. 22 years. While I was rather sexy as I look better as a man than as a woman.

To be honest, if I was living alone I would spend much time as a woman and go outside often. I may even be in couple with a man.

I do not really care about what other people think about me. I just would like to avoid being killed and harassed. Hence my will to pass.

My mother knows that I dress. She tells that I am a perv and that I should stop. She told she would kill me if she sees me I drag. So if I want to kill myself...it is easy !  Though she told me she wanted a daughter....

I do not care being a perv. This is a moral judgement that has no sense for me as I have no religion and no taboo.

I just want to know how to live to feel less dysphoric.

Sacha, I didn't mean to come down on you, but I was just stating some things. But it is interesting though on how much your life reflects my life. Due to circumstances I have been unemployed for the past 3 years, I spend most of my time in front of the computer. I'm a grade 12 graduate. Never been suicidal. Was a virgin till I was 20 and I never had a girlfriend till I was 22, and for most of my life I've lived with my parents.