Yes believe it or not, I wish it was my only problem.

I sit here today, exhausted, both completely mentally and phsyically. I want to just collapse into a crying mess.

And it isn't because I have a pecker and not a vagina, and it isn't because I have no breasts to put into a nice dress or top.

Those are annoying of course and ever present hassles, but then so isn't being unemployed.

I am juuuuust about on my 20th year of suffering from crushing depression and none of it gender specific. I am disabled, and frankly, I'd rather ditch the fybromyalgia. Without it, I could open a business, and pay for the damned surgery tomorrow. I'd be able to afford the outfits and I could drive to Toronto and torment single men on the dance floor if I felt like it.

So many days, I sit on the edge of a nervous collapse all because of the unrelenting drain on everything, my psyche, my energy levels, my mental state. There is no 'cure' no magic fix. They mention this pill and that pill and foods to avoid and in the end, you get a laundry list of 'some side effects may be' and a miserable life not eating anything any damned fun at all. Fate worth than death in some cases.

Pride? heck I haven't had pride in 20 years. I am soooo long past worrying what someone thinks of me wearing a dress. Whatever buddy, have you looked in a mirror recently? I wouldn't do you at gun point. I have forgotten what it even feels like to earn a damned cent. I listen to my friends lament working conditions or seeking work. I wish I could say something, but what do I say? Just gotta look a bit harder mac. Yeah easy for me to say.

I so wanted the house and the lawn and the home full of kids. I think that will bother me till I die. I had my son partly as an act of defiance. Go to hell life, I am having at least 1 child. I don't think I could even manage a house if it was given to me. I have a friend claims he'd like to buy me one. It would be nice. I have a major hell trying to look after my apartment though, and I am juuuust about old enough to start pondering a retirement location. I think that boat has sailed, I missed the home owner years.

Every time I get out the power tools, all I am really doing is punishing myself. I suppose the whole dancing dream is best left in their too. Oh like I am going to get up on a dance floor and get away with dancing like I was 25. I can see it now, 2 hours dancing, and a week in pain in bed. I barely make it home some days just from slowly walking to the mall. My ordinarily 1 hour trip takes me 3. 1 and a bit there, half an hour resting, and an hour and a bit to get home.

It will be a challenge to sort out hormone therapy. It's a challenge though but really nothing more than a challenge.
The surgery will be a challenge. Heck it will take more effort though to get a new set of teeth (had a stupid inattentive youth).
Clothing, it's just clothing. I am simply not the sort of person that will have troubles trying on dresses in a woman's department. Aside from lacking knowledge of HOW to shop, the actual shopping doesn't scare me. Heck when I think of some of the bold rash outright daring things I have done in my life, buying a dress doesn't even rate.

But being TG, discovering all that I have discovered, it comes to a person (me) that is already massively short changed on energy for anything.
I have trouble some days just wanting to get something to eat. I sit some days unable to just do something like work on a model, or watch some TV.

My heart goes out to those of you so troubled by being TG, but, I can tell you, life is not afraid to make your being TG seem like a minor thing.
Today you might get hit by a car in an accident, and poof you are stuck in a wheel chair for life. I am sure that will have more effect on your life, than what's between your legs.

Life would be a great deal less hassle, if all I was dealing with, was the hassle of how to achieve a realistic looking bust line.
I'd much rather be stuck trying to keep my hands looking nice, while also being a wood worker.

I think people with mulityply dignose and problems can relate, and really hate why we couldn't only have 1 problem who would be the only one for us, it dosen't seam fair.

I also has several issues, and its annoying who I couldnt only had 1 things to worry about. it would be easy if we all only had this game where we only would had 1 bad card on our hands and the rest are good but thats not how it goes.

I do belive some of us are more unlucky than other but I also belive in what dosent kill us makes us stronger, or at least, more knowlegde. I think theres no people without problem only people who knows how to deal with them in perfect ways.
Do you have a comunity of people who understand you with the illness you have?
--

Thank you for your post Lesley Roberta, it certainly helps provide some heart felt perspective on our daily trans gender struggles. I was thinking a similar thing the other day, about the poor people stuck in dysfunctional and war torn countries, how being trans* would be the least of someone's daily struggle. Hard to feel to worry about not being able to wear a dress or start HRT when bombs and machine guns are going off, food is hard to find, penicillin and painkillers  are luxuries, and you're lucky to have some torn bit of dirty cloth to cover your body with. Realising that made me feel so fortunate to only have being trans* to deal with. Your post likewise, hon.

I know of fibromyalgia as my mother suffers from it although, by the sounds of it, nowhere near the same extent as you - you have my sincere well wishes, I know how debilitating, frustrating and scary it is. Hug!

Thanks all.

Yeah, every time you walk the street thinking 'that person is staring at me for wearing a dress', keep in mind, I have been walking the streets for 20 years thinking 'that person thinks I am a deadweight on society, a leech, a lazy scum bag, why is that person not at work at this time of day?'.

That sort of thing pounds on a person's self esteem like you never want to feel.

I go to the store, and I want to buy a model, and always it is there in my head, 'I didn't earn this money, I have some nerve buying a model'.

I try and feel positive about everything, and it is not easy thinking positive when I feel undeserving so often.

What I would give, to be in my shop running the business I had prepared, and too damned busy getting covered in sawdust to be fretting over my outfit. To be too busy to even have time for my hobbies. To have stain on my hands often enough that wearing nail polish was likely stupid.
To be unable to wear a wig, as it would get in the way of work.

I sure wish I had a real imcome, so I could sit at my desk thinking 'damn need to get in some more contracts so I can put in another few hundred to get the rest of the laser removal done'. I'd so much like to spend my time landing a great contract so I could then plan the operation to get the parts swapped and not need to beholding to sitting on a list waiting on free surgery.

To me, being TG is simply not the biggest contributor to my depression. Because without my disability, I'd be celebrating my 15th anniversary of being in business, and it would just be just a case of shunting funds around. It would just be me wondering if I had the time to even go out at all in public in any manner of appearance at all.

I mean, my current thing is breast forms, do I need them? I have to wonder how important is it to me.
If I was healthy, well it would be moot. I'd be in my shop all day, and the last thing I would be doing is wearing pretend boobs under work clothing.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on November 05, 2013, 08:24:36 AM
Yeah, every time you walk the street thinking 'that person is staring at me for wearing a dress', keep in mind, I have been walking the streets for 20 years thinking 'that person thinks I am a deadweight on society, a leech, a lazy scum bag, why is that person not at work at this time of day?'.
That sort of thing pounds on a person's self esteem like you never want to feel.
I go to the store, and I want to buy a model, and always it is there in my head, 'I didn't earn this money, I have some nerve buying a model'.

I know the felling, currently I am on student suport money which I like, the atitude is very relaxing not as when I where getting money from the wellfare system. The amount of money is pretty much the same but the atitude is very diffrent, I felt more guilty and I felt like people made me feel guilty of being lazy not having a job and everything. there where a guy who told me that I should not be so harsh because it really wasnt my fault.

I think when it told enough time its easy to belive but people who get there income arnt just lazy people as media and other try to view them as.
I am sure even if you dont have a normal income or job theres still ways where you can do something good to keep yourself motivating.

Actually Lesley, You have no perspective, sorry to burst your bubble but most of the trans-women I know, did strugle, are struggling and will struggle with NUMEROUS mental health issues till they die. Me personally, have to deal with depression, self-perception issues, and what about 50% suicide rate of people AFTER they transitioned? I agree, being transgender on its own is enough on your plate, but having more problems really sucks, but it seems like living as a man for such a long time leaves such a big scar on female identity that you suddenly have a lot to deal with. Anyway, You will be in my prayers, and I hope You find a good therapist, good luck gal!

Quote from: crowcrow223 on November 05, 2013, 01:44:59 PM
Actually Lesley, You have no perspective, sorry to burst your bubble but most of the trans-women I know, did strugle, are struggling and will struggle with NUMEROUS mental health issues till they die. Me personally, have to deal with depression, self-perception issues, and what about 50% suicide rate of people AFTER they transitioned? I agree, being transgender on its own is enough on your plate, but having more problems really sucks, but it seems like living as a man for such a long time leaves such a big scar on female identity that you suddenly have a lot to deal with. Anyway, You will be in my prayers, and I hope You find a good therapist, good luck gal!

I'm confused?

Do you actually see what I am saying?

I am not just dealing with additional mental and emotional issues, I am PHYSICALLY disabled. And it CAUSES the depression which is just additional not the root cause. I have not been overly plagued with depression from being TG simply because depression is nothing new in my life. It's old news, I had to master it 20 years ago. Self esteem issues nothing new there. Everything that generally comes along with being TG, it's old territory for me. Different source, but the same skill set required.

Without all of the non TG problems in my life, being TG would be a nuisance at best to me. Maybe that is just me, but it is a reflection of my character as well. I'm not used to taking crap from people, never have been. So me walking down the street in a dress, well good luck to the unwise thinking I am the next headline victim.

Sure the problems of friends and family and work potentially all ditching me might have caused some serious heart ache.
Not sure how I would cope without my wife regardless of how healthy I was.

But my physical disability trumps my TG problems. I can fix my TG situation, it can be expensive, but there ARE solutions.
I get to suffer from fybromyalgia till I die, regardless of what clothing I am wearing when they bury me.

I've known at least two disabled trans-women, and their attitude was completely opposite, they had more of a 'look-how-brave-i-am' type of attitude, since they did not struggle merely with tg but the first one was mentally disabled, she was retarded (I'm not saying that in an offensive way), and the other one struggled with physical disability, and she was also not the most passable I've seen. but it all however depends on the attitude and experience. Can You tell me what external symptoms of the sickness you have? sorry, I've never known anyone with it, have a good weekend!

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on November 02, 2013, 11:53:59 AM
But being TG, discovering all that I have discovered, it comes to a person (me) that is already massively short changed on energy for anything.
I have trouble some days just wanting to get something to eat. I sit some days unable to just do something like work on a model, or watch some TV.

Was hard reading this post, while I sit here not having eaten or gotten dressed or anything at 3:00. I burnt all my energy yesterday and the day before yesterday and today I am just completely out of spoons (do you know about spoon theory? http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/).

I developed a chronic pain condition when I was 16 that succeeded in mostly derailing my life at the time (regular migraines that have the exciting side effect of totally messing up my muscles and leaving me in continuous pain). Dropped out of school, blah, blah. But I do seem to be quite a bit better off than you. On average I get 5-6 days a week with a good 10-12 hours that I can do things at around 80% effectiveness. Which was enough to graduate from university, though it took 6 years to do my BA. And I can work, as long as it is not too intensive or physical.

I'd also make that same deal. Of the two, I'd ditch the pain condition in a heartbeat. Hell, without the pain, I'd have transitioned back when I was 18 anyway.

But I will offer this: I was horribly depressed before transitioning and I'm not now. I mean, the pain isn't any easier, but I guess I feel like... I can do things? I can accomplish meaningful things that make my life a lot more comfortable. And that's pretty powerful. I have... hope now. That life can be good, despite whatever. So, I guess I hope the same might be true for you. That once you start your transition, once you feel like you are reclaiming a bit of control over your body and your life, you might start to feel a little better, in yourself.

When one has multiple problems it is hard to tell which one is the worst, or if that really matters...

I have some chronic knee problems, crossing my legs like a woman seems to make them worse...

I in all honesty have a bit of an alcohol problem, but my knees don't hurt if I drink enough...

Of course I'm here because of my minor transgender issues, they wouldn't matter at all if I didn't have a drinking problem or bad knees...

Yeah...

For those unfamiliar with fybromyalgia....

Got it in the early 90s. Interesting, it has been labelled the condition of the 90s, which is ironic as all through the 90s I was told my paperwork would need to be filled out as depression as the medical community was still learning that fybromyalgia wasn't just some sort of crock notion.

I also suffer migraines by the way. Nothing like the severe pain of your mind malfunctioning, and sending all the wrong information. Light becomes too intense, sound too loud, your ability to eat falters, some get extreme nausea. Your muscles turn off and on. Your sense of touch can't be relied on. You even experience trouble maintaining a thought so much that finishing a sentence can end up in a loop. You have not experienced something as frustrating as being trapped in a mind that is skipping till you have had a migraine. Oh there are lots of reasons I won't do drugs, I have enough troubles already

But the thing with fybromyalgia, is it is neurological in a way, and it involves your entire body. Nope, it is not just your legs or your back or your wrists. Some days it can be your entire body. I once caught a cold and it triggered a response from my condition and I went 72 non stop hours not a second of rest, not a minute of relief, from sweating profusely to freezing chills. I could sit in water most couldn't bear and still be cold and sweat was pouring off my other moments in bed meanwhile the windows were open to the dead of winter, and no effect. I had myself hospitalized eventually and told my wife it was either that, or I broke from the pain and tried to end it all. I said they either end the pain chemically or I would physically. Only experienced that once. Once was enough. If I had been alone, I likely would be dead right now. The mind has limits.

My normal day, hmm I am not really sure I know what 'no pain' even feels like now. Been too long fighting it off. Minor pain, like a 1,2 or 3, might just be background noise to me now the same way people regard tinnitus noise in their ears. Eventually you stop hearing it. But generally speaking fybromyalgia is pain derived from sensation. Most can't wear clothes much in bed. Most likely wear little in the way of anything on their limbs. Almost all of us sufferers will tell you they have been reduced to 50-60% of original energy levels permanently. My call a good day being able to do something for 20 mimutes without tiring. That means eating, sitting, standing, walking unaided, attention spans, even sex is something that has a price. 30 minutes of play means 4 hours of rest or feeling totally spent. I routinely spend 10-20 minutes making a model, but need to get up and walk around a few minutes or everything starts to seize up. The thing is, walking more than a block and I just slow down to a crawl. My cane is not a support, it's a means to push me forward. I take about an hour to walk a 15 minute distance (10 if you are a typical teen though).

And of course, having fybromyalgia doesn't get you a pass from other hassles. I have lateral sheer stress in my feet muscles (whatever that means, that is how the doctor said it). Essentially they experience double the effort. So when I say I walked 4 miles to Tim Horton's, my feet consider it 8 miles. So my average day is about 20 miles. And uses up about half the day, all to get a hot chocolate.
And I do this, all so I can be a total wreck and not suffer the emotional pain of feeling like a lazy slob for doing nothing all day.
And all because to look at me, there is no sign there is anything wrong with me.
But hey, look at your computer. If you just stare at it, can you see what is wrong with it by just looking at it if it was full of problems?

I of course don't feel the same as an amputee. I don't feel the same as a person that is blind.
Different people, different hells.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on November 08, 2013, 08:05:12 AM
Different people, different hells.

I'm really glad I don't have fybromyalgia, Lesley_Roberta. My other medical problems seem minor compared to my transgender condition, it's not really fair to assume that of everyone. I feel bad for making that assumption earlier.

Fybromyalgia is about the same as being TG in that people look at you, and don't really 'see' what is there.

My condition is as invisible as my true gender.

I will take my cane on short walks, just because if I don't, the next time people think the cane is an affectation the same way if you wear a dress one day, and don't the next, they think you were just cross dressing the other day.

I don't wish either aspect on anyone. It's hell having a problem which no one can see and thus fail to notice or acknowledge.

I personally think the homosexual crowd have an easier time than us. They are clearly what they are. We are not.

I'm pretty sure your sexual orientation is just as invisible as your gender...

Quote from: <3 on November 10, 2013, 12:18:14 PM
I'm pretty sure your sexual orientation is just as invisible as your gender...

Weeeeeeeeeell I suppose some wear it on their sleeves a bit But I live in a town of 21k and to be honest I've never met a homosexual in town. I doubt there are none here though.

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on November 10, 2013, 07:42:00 AM
I personally think the homosexual crowd have an easier time than us. They are clearly what they are. We are not.

I have wished I was a homosexual, people have often made that assumption of me, if it were true I could just have gay pride and not care what they say. I have a feeling someday, trans* people will be able to to do the same thing, just not next week, or next year, or even next decade, but someday...

I don't know if you've been keeping up on this, but there have been some recent breakthroughs in terms of understanding the cause of fibromyalgia. I know it's not a cure or anything, but who knows, maybe someday sooner than you think...

Have read some of that Miyuki. Looking to be potentially more connection to tissue than nervous system (I think that is the short form).

As with everything, we have nothing right up till when we have something.

It would be nice to get some relief from it.