Hello, my name is Aeron and i'm a trans woman, i'm also a writer and am writing a book and the main character is a trans man.
As a trans woman I only really understand my own experience and really wanted to sort of reach out to young trans men or even older trans men about their experiences growing up.. early childhood memories and how they felt and began to realize they weren't girls as they were assigned.
Could you help me with this?
If possible, could you tell me what it was like growing up?
Anything that you'd like to share i appreciate.
If you want to help me out but don't want to share here my email is: torn1990@hotmail.com
It will be very much appreciated!
Anything you share will be inspiring to me in some way or another.

Personally for myself,
I was very resistant towards masculine ways my parents dressed me, informed my behavior, and the toys i was suppose to play with and how i was told to look.. I mostly developed typical female desires when I realized I was being divided upon gender-wise away from the girls. (i had a sister, and girls as my friends) I used to have screaming fits when my mom wanted to cut my nails short, or when I was told i couldn't wear dresses anymore.. .
(apparently it was only cute for a little bit until I started wanting to wear them as my clothes)
I started to repress a lot of myself, developing gender dysphoria as i got older.
^something like that would be appreciated.. even maybe one memory that sticks out would be seriously amazing.  Anything shared will be valuable to me as inspiration.
Much love,
Aeron.

Personally, I didn't have tons of obvious moments as a kid. But there's a few.

I hated pink. So much.
My elementary school told girls they could only wear pants/shorts during the winter, but I didn't listen.

This story I don't remember, but my dad loved telling it: When I was about 4 I wanted to be a doctor. When my pre-school teacher asked us all what we wanted to be when we grew up, she told me that I couldn't be a doctor because it was a man's job. When my dad picked me up that day, I cried to him about it and then he told me that I could anything a man could do with one exception- peeing standing up. So I proved to my dad that he was in fact wrong and I COULD pee standing up. I don't remember how I did this, I wish I did, but it always makes me laugh to think about.

I really was fine being my birth gender until puberty because to me, there really wasn't a big difference between boys and girls until then. Before that, I think I didn't exactly notice a huge distinction if that makes sense. But once puberty hit... At first I was excited because I was growing up, but when I got my first period, everything went downhill. I had no idea what was happening- I knew what periods were but I didn't know that this was one. My friends started talking about their periods and how you'd 'just know' when yours came. It made me feel so awkward that I was unsure, and since I hadn't known what it was I didn't have any pads or anything, but their conversation made me realise that's what it was. To make it even better, I was at a friend's house for a sleepover so I couldn't ask my mom what to do.
I don't think I've ever had a moment hit me as hard with 'This isn't right' than when I got that first period. But it took me quite some time to figure out what that feeling was- I think at puberty is when I began to get more depressed and anxious. And I felt that way up until I finally realised that I'm Dean and I am a guy, and I can be a guy.

Also, I think for me the biggest reason I never realised I was a guy when I was a little kid was because I thought that since I had girl parts, I had to be a girl, that it was literally impossible to be a boy. I never thought about it, it was just a deep down assumption I think. But when I began to get frustrated with my sexual identity, I finally learned that transition was a real thing, and that you are whoever you are; guy or girl no matter what parts you have.

I didn't mean for this to get so long XD I just like to say a lot about this because it's not the 'typical' story I've seen on the internet- I find so many stories about guys who knew at 3,4,5 that I feel a need to share that I didn't.

Dean<3<3
Thankyou soooo much! it's perfect!

Sorry but this is the best way to share my memory.

She sat there mezmerized by the show on the TV screen. As she watched her favorite characters summon their great dragon and make their single wish a feeling of longing nagged at her. Oh how she wished the dragon were real. She would endure any task to be able to be in his presence and say her wish proudly.
"Oh great dragon all I ask of you is to make me a boy." She would say loud enough for the world to hear her. Unfortunately, she knew that no matter how loud she wished or how hard she prayed she knew that that dragon could not be real and could not grant her wish.
As she went to bed that night she refused to give up and closed her eyes and repeated the same words over and over.
"Please make me a boy. Please make me a boy. Please make me a boy"

I can relate to literally EVERYTHING Dean wrote, so I can't add much in terms of my story growing up.
But if you don't mind, I think I have some little details of the everyday life and feelings I can share. You, as a transwoman, have probably experienced the exact opposite of some of them, so they might sound familiar.
POSTURE: I used to stand and sit with my legs spread, but one day, I might have been 8yo or so, my mom told me young ladies don't sit, walk, stand, move like that. I felt like she just punched me in the stomach. From then on I always tried, and still do, to move in the most feminine way around her, only to avoid her reminding me again that I am not a boy.
BODY: I wanted to have big muscles, when I was a kid I wanted to carry by myself all the heaviest bags and stuff, to show people how strong I was and to bulk up in the meanwhile.
HEROES: one day the teachers asked us kids what famous person we wanted to be, and I answered : Vegeta, or Achilles. I remember the girls gave me strange looks, as they answered Victoria Beckham or Sailor Moon.
DREAMS: I can talk about that now, but this is something that greatly bothered me back then. One day on Christhmas my grandparents asked me: "what do you want to do when you grow up?" and I said "I want to be a successfull surgeon, or a pilot, or maybe a captain. Well, it doesn't matter, the important part is that I will be rich and I will have the most beautiful and intelligent wife and a sport car, and maybe kids". Silence fell in the room, and I still remember the pain I felt when they told me I was a bit confused because that was not going to happen.
PUBERTY: when I had my first period, I was so ashamed and all I could think of was: how can I get these organs out of me? Is there a way?


There are for sure thousands of other little things, but these are the first that came to my mind.

I think I would like to share some of my own experiences as well.

I knew that my mind and body weren't aligned when I was about 4 or so.  Obviously didn't know the term 'transgender' then, but I knew I was supposed to be a boy.  I honestly don't know why I didn't bring it up to my parents that young.  Maybe I was afraid, or didn't think anything could be done; it's hard for me to say at that age.

I think this might be slightly common among some trans guys; I had a short period in my childhood where I would try to pee standing up.  I never got the hang of it though so that stopped probably after about a week.

I always looked up to my dad.  I remember boasting that when I grew up I was going to grow a mustache like him. 

When I was a kid, in elementary school I use to hang out with my two male cousins all the time (they were both a year younger than me).  Our activities generally involved either video games, sports or playing pretend (power rangers, cops n robbers, etc).  I always took on a masculine role in our activities.  I remember one year for Halloween me and my two cousins wanted to be power rangers.  So my grandma made us each costumes... well, she tried to make me the pink ranger's costume and I refused to wear it.  In the end she gave in and used the pink fabric for something else and made me a red ranger costume like I wanted.

I played with boy and girl toys.  I think it partially depended on who I was playing with.  I had a couple female friends from my neighborhood and remember playing barbies with at least one of them.  On my own though I preferred things like transformers, legos and the like.

I started developing in the fourth grade. :/  So I'd say around about fifth grade I stopped being so active.  I couldn't bare to even run when I had these things on my chest.
My first period wasn't so memorable; I think by that point I knew to expect it.  Not much to say about my teen years.  I didn't accomplish anything and kept to myself as much as possible.  I sunk into a deep depression and didn't come out of it until my early twenties. 

im kinda opposite position since I writte a comic and the maincharacter is a transwoman. its also very difficult for me to make her and the secondary character became as much if not even more main characterd than her. However I think beside focusing on the transwoman part it may also be more easy to writte when you give them something personal you both can relate to.
I am a activist so I also made this woman a activist.
you could also take inspiration from one of your male friends.
--
speaking of growing up I lifed a pretty okay life (I dont really remember my early childhood)
I was seen as a tomboy when I where a child, I guess I felt pretty misunderstood in many ways. Some of my behavious like calling myself with a guyname where seen as naugthy behaviour, and I once complained that I felt I had a harsh life where my teacher started suspecting my parrent to sexual having abused me.

Now I dont think I can speak for everyone on here cause In my country it first around this years that transgender children and youth have started to exist. simple 6 year ago there where no focus on that and the only knew that you could be transgender as an adult and therefore peoples option would mainly be "you are too young to me trans, you must wait to be 18" if they understood there where anything called trans and if I understood so myself.
-
I first realised there where something called trans when I where around 12 and read an article from a magazine who had the topic about gender, manly intersex but also transexuals.
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the years between 12-18 was extremly harsh because as I mention I did not really exist and there where no help.
I came out to my dear friends who started viewing me as a guy even when most viewed me as just a tomboy.
somethimes I couldnt be called my prefered name or pronouce at school cause we where afraid the school teacher would scold us for doing so.

I started to get together with the lgbt, queer and trans comunety when I where around 17 and it was a very big step finally to meet someone like myself. I think specially the FTMs have a close connection to each other its been helping alot both mentally but also in general on where to find the right informations and who is transfriend or not when you exemple look for a doctor.

I heard some mtf belive being ftm is less difficult than being mtf, but I dont agree. I think being ftm is difficult in another way. you are getting the same kind of discrimination but its more been giving behind your back than in your face if you are ftm I belive.
-
I don't think I am that masculine, I kinda androgyne in my way of expression but I did had abit of trouble getting allowed to get short hair. My mom didnt want me to look like a boy, yet I convinced her it was a girl haircut I had seen from a girl character.
I think I had a horrible facion style and my clothing where all XXL to hide my hips and boobs, but now I wear all slim and tight clothing.

I'll try and keep this short, but I'm likely to run off on a tangent like I normally do when talking about things like this.  It's a huge challenge to remember what happened in my childhood due to depression blocking a lot of it out, so when I what I do remember I try and recount for posterities sake in case my brain decides to delete that too.

From the earliest I can remember up until 7 years old I didn't know there was anything wrong at all, I did all the stereotypical boy things, I wore male clothing when I had the choice, and although I can't remember wearing it, there are a few photographs of me in girls' clothing, but at that age there's not much say you get in things like that.  I know I hated the colour pink with vengeance even at that age, just because it was a "girl" colour.  I ran around topless in the summer, and on holidays I never wore anything other than bikini bottoms; I refused to wear the "bra" part, and never had any one-piece costumes that fitted me properly.  Most of my friends were girls because I went to a very small school (think about 25 people in total), where the only other people in my year were two girls.

Things started going downhill when I was 7, which is when I started getting depressed, crying for no reason, and I remember very poignantly refusing to get down from a tree at my friend's 7th birthday party because I couldn't see the point of being on this planet, that there was no purpose of my existence.  I've spent a lot of time trying to work out why it happened at that age, and realised that it was the same time that five people joined my year at school, two girls and three boys.  I started having arguments with my friends because I was torn in half by hanging around with the boys because they did the things I wanted to do, and clicked with them, or keeping my old and first friends happy.  It was the time that I started to realise that there was a big difference between the two genders because we were suddenly put into two categories.  I still spent all my time with my grandfather doing male things like playing with my dad's old toy tanks, soldiers and watching rugby.  Throughout my whole time there I always knew that I would be the first person to leave the group of girls, because I didn't fit in entirely, although I had no idea what made me feel that way.

At some point before I left that school at ten I heard about trans people for the first time, overhearing a conversation between my friend and one of the teachers about her cousin who was a trans man, and I think he was having top surgery.  I remember thinking that trans people were weird and wrong, although it something niggled at me about it being wrong to think that.  Mind that I was mostly brought up by my grandfather who has some very strong bigoted views, which seeped into my thoughts a lot as a child.  I'd been asked a lot whether I was planning to transition when I was older by my peers but I always told them that if I'd had the choice to be born again as male then I would, but I wouldn't transition, simply because I thought it was only "freaks" who did things like that.  It was that misguided viewpoint which kept me in denial for a long time, because I wasn't that sort of "freak".

Moving into the next school made things feel worse for me, with an almost even mixture of genders there.  I found that boys didn't want me to hang around with them because I was a "girl", and the girls were starting to get into things I didn't understand at all, or want to understand.  I had no interest in make-up, no interest in anything in their girly magazines, and they were losing interest in playing bulldog, or climbing trees and getting dirty.  This was the point where I first started to go through puberty, and was made to stop going topless everywhere (which was probably a good thing because my nipples got very sore on holiday where I was constantly climbing in and out of a swimming pool shirtless).  I refused to start wearing a bra even though peers started noticing and telling me that I should do, and I started the monthly thing, but refused to believe it until it got too bad to just ignore.  I couldn't bring myself to tell my parents that it was happening, and I remember crying over it a lot.  I was unlucky in that situation as well as I was extremely heavy and almost constant.

I changed schools again at 12 and was bullied about not shaving my legs until the school got in contact with my parents and my mother made me start doing it.  She'd also made me wear a bra when I started there.  From the moment I found out I had to wear a skirt to the moment I left five years later I was arguing that it wasn't fair and that we should have the option, even though I didn't know why I wanted to wear the trousers at this point.  I was also trying to convince them to let me wear a proper shirt and tie, instead of just a blouse, but they never agreed to that either.  I got into a lot of trouble that year by thinking that I had to prove I was just as good, or better, than the boys to get them to accept me as one of them, and ended up getting into a lot of fights.  That's a mentality which still affects me now, and I'm trying not to do the same thing again in my new workplace/college.

I didn't work everything out until I was three days shy of fifteen, after spending a year thinking I was a lesbian.  I was watching The L Word and the character of Max sparked something in me.  I still didn't think that I was trans, but I wanted all the changes that testosterone causes, and thought that was just a normal thing to want to be stronger, hairier, more masculine.  Not long after I finally got myself to realise that it was okay to be trans, and that that was what I was.  It wasn't until this point that I realised that trans people were as normal as me.  Coming on this site as part of my discovery helped me to realise that as well.

Sorry this has gotten so long, I hope it helped in some way.  If you want to know anything else, feel free to ask me.

I can't wait to read all of this I am so happy right now thank you so much guys this is going to help a lot!
i'm going to barnes and noble momentarily after i scarf down this bagel and i'll begin reading through this and doing my own writing.
Seriously excited!!!
much love
Aeron.

As a kid I only had male role models and wanted to be just like them. I tried to copy them and my dad so I was rather boyish. I wanted to be a boy, but knew that I couldn't be so I just pushed it away tried not to think about it. Other than that I was quite happy and didn't think about gender inutil I was around 10 years old.

When I understood what I felt wasn't accepted I denied it and overcompensated. I tried to be a girl so hard. I wore dresses and makeup. Grew out my hair. I walked and sat like a guy from the start but trained myself to sit with my legs crossed an walk like a girl. I even tried to speak with a higher voice so nobody would take me for a transsexual woman, I was really afraid someone would think of me as not a woman. I was ashamed about the fact that i was taller than my friends and had wide shoulders. Everytime I looked in the mirror, I saw like.. an unwilling male to female crossdresser. I never understood why I looked like a dragqueen.
When I look back I was really stupid for never thinking I might be transgender lol.

Anyways, I have always felt like even if my body is female, it shows in my eyes that I am male, and was really afraid that someone else would see it. If anyone said I looked strong, butch, manly, lesbian I got super upset. I basicly trained myself like a circus animal to be what society wanted me to be.
After some years of acting I got severely depressed, suicidal and didn't want to walk outside my bedroom because I was ashamed to show myself. I got diagnosen with social anxiety dissorder, but therapy never helped, only finaly dressing and acting like I wanted did.

Sorry for my grammar, not that good at english.

Sometimes, I question if I really had a childhood, or if I was just simply a child that was got older.

I remember I used to hate wearing dresses ever since I was a little child.  When my mother made me wear a dress in the first grade, I was embarrased, even more so since it was gym day that day.  I remember liking a certain girl then too and wanting to play with GI Joes and Army men and all other types of boy toys.  I remember when my mom gave me barbie dolls for Christmas, I tossed them aside and she got so sad that she locked herself in her room and then I was seen as the bad person.

I started to realize that I wasn't a female when I was about 9 years old in the third grade.  I remember when at my school, the girls were taken to one classroom and the boys were taken to another and the girls were taught about puberty and what was going to happen to our bodies....developing breasts, wider hips, getting a period etc.  I was horrified because I knew that stuff wasn't supposed to happen to me.  It was right then that I KNEW that I was supposed to be with the boys.  The lady talked about how girls were supposed to wash their bodies and my mom throughout my childhood told me the same thing, but I didn't want to wash my body like a girl.  I wanted to wash my body like a boy.  It was after that class where I believe my depression started.  I tried to fight having breasts but they still came.  I tried to fight wearing training bras, but the time came where I had to.  I remember going to my parents and telling them how I hated them for making me a girl.  I told my mom that I wanted to be a boy and she wrote me off and said "well, you're a girl".  My father was laying on his bed reading his newspaper and confronted him about him making me a girl and he ignored/wrote me basically.  I remember wanting to stand to pee like my brother and father so I took a rubber fish toy, sucked it up with water, put it in my pants and pretend like I was peeing standing up.  I tried to show everyone, especially my father, but they ignored me.  I can even remember telling my sister I wanted to get an operation to make me a boy (before I knew what it was) but she didn't take that too well....

In high school, I went into the NJROTC program and I tried to overcompensate by being bold.  When we would go to rappelling events,  there would be boys that would chicken out and cry so I would try to set the example and climbed up that pole without fear and when I lost my footing and hit my head on the wood and fell, I brushed it off and wanted to immediately go again.  I can remember one of the guys saying if (insert last name) can do it so can you.    That was a little insulting, but I still took it as a compliment (though I think the real reasoning for that came from me being so morbidly obese than  being a female). 
It eventually got to a point where I started to overcompensate more by trying to feel like I'm invincible to pain.  I acted like a Mr. Tough Guy and challenged my peers to inflict pain on me in various ways.  I was even called "the devil" by one of them because of my strong resistance.  I was trying to appear tough to the world while attempting to suppress the feelings of knowing this is how I wasn't supposed to be inside.....that and among other issues.

I didn't know what transgender was until I watched The L Word in high school where there was a transgender guy on there.  He described almost exactly like how I was feeling, but with how they portrayed him with his transition (rage from hormones, sticking myself with a needle etc.), I was terrified to go through that so I suppressed it for a while before coming to realize that this was what I needed.

I think the big thing through my childhood was feeling older than I should.  I felt old even though I was young, because I wasn't able to be happy and enjoy myself like other kids.  I wouldn't doubt if I have physically aged faster because of this.  I had thought about killing myself so I could come back as a boy.  I grew distant from the world and hated everyone in it.  I became very misanthropic.  The only good thing that came out of feeling different was having a mind for creativity.  As a child and teen, I didn't talk much at school because I was always thinking and daydreaming, trying to escape reality just for a little while.  Even to this day, I still have that, even more so now.
Sorry if that was too long but I hope it helped, even If a little bit.

Quote from: Malachite on November 14, 2013, 08:36:59 PM
Sometimes, I question if I really had a childhood, or if I was just simply a child that was got older.

I remember I used to hate wearing dresses ever since I was a little child.  When my mother made me wear a dress in the first grade, I was embarrased, even more so since it was gym day that day.  I remember liking a certain girl then too and wanting to play with GI Joes and Army men and all other types of boy toys.  I remember when my mom gave me barbie dolls for Christmas, I tossed them aside and she got so sad that she locked herself in her room and then I was seen as the bad person.

I started to realize that I wasn't a female when I was about 9 years old in the third grade.  I remember when at my school, the girls were taken to one classroom and the boys were taken to another and the girls were taught about puberty and what was going to happen to our bodies....developing breasts, wider hips, getting a period etc.  I was horrified because I knew that stuff wasn't supposed to happen to me.  It was right then that I KNEW that I was supposed to be with the boys.  The lady talked about how girls were supposed to wash their bodies and my mom throughout my childhood told me the same thing, but I didn't want to wash my body like a girl.  I wanted to wash my body like a boy.  It was after that class where I believe my depression started.  I tried to fight having breasts but they still came.  I tried to fight wearing training bras, but the time came where I had to.  I remember going to my parents and telling them how I hated them for making me a girl.  I told my mom that I wanted to be a boy and she wrote me off and said "well, you're a girl".  My father was laying on his bed reading his newspaper and confronted him about him making me a girl and he ignored/wrote me basically.  I remember wanting to stand to pee like my brother and father so I took a rubber fish toy, sucked it up with water, put it in my pants and pretend like I was peeing standing up.  I tried to show everyone, especially my father, but they ignored me.  I can even remember telling my sister I wanted to get an operation to make me a boy (before I knew what it was) but she didn't take that too well....

In high school, I went into the NJROTC program and I tried to overcompensate by being bold.  When we would go to rappelling events,  there would be boys that would chicken out and cry so I would try to set the example and climbed up that pole without fear and when I lost my footing and hit my head on the wood and fell, I brushed it off and wanted to immediately go again.  I can remember one of the guys saying if (insert last name) can do it so can you.    That was a little insulting, but I still took it as a compliment (though I think the real reasoning for that came from me being so morbidly obese than  being a female). 
It eventually got to a point where I started to overcompensate more by trying to feel like I'm invincible to pain.  I acted like a Mr. Tough Guy and challenged my peers to inflict pain on me in various ways.  I was even called "the devil" by one of them because of my strong resistance.  I was trying to appear tough to the world while attempting to suppress the feelings of knowing this is how I wasn't supposed to be inside.....that and among other issues.

I didn't know what transgender was until I watched The L Word in high school where there was a transgender guy on there.  He described almost exactly like how I was feeling, but with how they portrayed him with his transition (rage from hormones, sticking myself with a needle etc.), I was terrified to go through that so I suppressed it for a while before coming to realize that this was what I needed.

I think the big thing through my childhood was feeling older than I should.  I felt old even though I was young, because I wasn't able to be happy and enjoy myself like other kids.  I wouldn't doubt if I have physically aged faster because of this.  I had thought about killing myself so I could come back as a boy.  I grew distant from the world and hated everyone in it.  I became very misanthropic.  The only good thing that came out of feeling different was having a mind for creativity.  As a child and teen, I didn't talk much at school because I was always thinking and daydreaming, trying to escape reality just for a little while.  Even to this day, I still have that, even more so now.
Sorry if that was too long but I hope it helped, even If a little bit.

"The only good thing that came out of feeling different was having a mind for creativity.  As a child and teen, I didn't talk much at school because I was always thinking and daydreaming, trying to escape reality just for a little while.  Even to this day, I still have that, even more so now."

^
Malachite! that line describes my character to a T. much love, thankyou for this.

Quote from: CursedFireDean on November 13, 2013, 07:25:19 PM
Personally, I didn't have tons of obvious moments as a kid. But there's a few.

I hated pink. So much.
My elementary school told girls they could only wear pants/shorts during the winter, but I didn't listen.

This story I don't remember, but my dad loved telling it: When I was about 4 I wanted to be a doctor. When my pre-school teacher asked us all what we wanted to be when we grew up, she told me that I couldn't be a doctor because it was a man's job. When my dad picked me up that day, I cried to him about it and then he told me that I could anything a man could do with one exception- peeing standing up. So I proved to my dad that he was in fact wrong and I COULD pee standing up. I don't remember how I did this, I wish I did, but it always makes me laugh to think about.

I really was fine being my birth gender until puberty because to me, there really wasn't a big difference between boys and girls until then. Before that, I think I didn't exactly notice a huge distinction if that makes sense. But once puberty hit... At first I was excited because I was growing up, but when I got my first period, everything went downhill. I had no idea what was happening- I knew what periods were but I didn't know that this was one. My friends started talking about their periods and how you'd 'just know' when yours came. It made me feel so awkward that I was unsure, and since I hadn't known what it was I didn't have any pads or anything, but their conversation made me realise that's what it was. To make it even better, I was at a friend's house for a sleepover so I couldn't ask my mom what to do.
I don't think I've ever had a moment hit me as hard with 'This isn't right' than when I got that first period. But it took me quite some time to figure out what that feeling was- I think at puberty is when I began to get more depressed and anxious. And I felt that way up until I finally realised that I'm Dean and I am a guy, and I can be a guy.

Also, I think for me the biggest reason I never realised I was a guy when I was a little kid was because I thought that since I had girl parts, I had to be a girl, that it was literally impossible to be a boy. I never thought about it, it was just a deep down assumption I think. But when I began to get frustrated with my sexual identity, I finally learned that transition was a real thing, and that you are whoever you are; guy or girl no matter what parts you have.

I didn't mean for this to get so long XD I just like to say a lot about this because it's not the 'typical' story I've seen on the internet- I find so many stories about guys who knew at 3,4,5 that I feel a need to share that I didn't.

My story about matches yours. Except I was at my 12th birthday party at build-a-bear and I was miserable the whole time.

Quote from: Torn1990 on November 16, 2013, 12:05:45 PM


"The only good thing that came out of feeling different was having a mind for creativity.  As a child and teen, I didn't talk much at school because I was always thinking and daydreaming, trying to escape reality just for a little while.  Even to this day, I still have that, even more so now."

^
Malachite! that line describes my character to a T. much love, thankyou for this.

No problem!

I've sen't you an email, cause what I wrote out ended up being a bit long.
-Alex

I know my story is a bit different but I wanted to share because I notice that a lot of people have had really hard childhoods but I know from my own experience that it isn't like that for everyone.

I was really lucky in growing up that my parents never tried too hard to make me act like a girl. I hated dresses so they didn't make me wear them. I hated my long hair so they let me get it chopped into a bob. I always preferred hanging out with boys and so they would take me round to my guy friends places without comment that I should be hanging out with the girls. They bought me chemistry sets, puzzle games and sports gear. Mum taught me to sew and cook, Dad taught me to use a saw and a soldering iron.  I think that because of this I never really had a problem with being a girl as a child. I was more like a boy with a girl's name anyway.

There were times of course when I could feel the weight of culture on my back and I would start to feel bad about this, like I wasn't being a proper girl or something. I went through phases of getting mum to buy me super girly clothes and braiding my hair etc like I thought I was supposed to but I always went back to a more gender neutral presentation in the end.

For some reason I decided to go to an all girls school (my own free choice) and it was around then that I began to really want to be a boy for the first time I can remember. I had real trouble fitting in and making friends, though I did eventually find a small group of quirky people who I could get along with. No matter how hard I tried I just could not connect with most of the other girls. Even amongst my friends I would get teased because I didn't want to shave my legs or wear make up or pluck my eyebrows.

I'm a nerd with a biology degree so genetics is a recurring theme for me when I think about gender. One moment which really resonates from early high school is when I was watching an episode of some kind of crime/medical show and one character was this guy who had been born with two x chromosomes but had developed into a male due to some kind of hormonal condition. I remember thinking like 'Oh my god, I bet it's the same for me but the other way around. That would explain everything.' I firmly believed that if I were to get a karyotype (genetic test where they line up and number your chromosomes) done, that I would come out as genetic XY. I also had fantasies about finding out that I was a chimera and that the cells which made up my body were female but the ones that formed my brain were male.

So over all my childhood was fine. It didn't get hard until I became a teenager and suddenly everyone seemed to care what I did and how I looked.

So I got done typing this and realized that most of it can already be found in my intro post, which is also pretty long. Guess I coulda just linked that, but I suppose I'll post what I wrote here as well. Doesn't help that I have to leave for an LGBT support group in ten minutes so I have zero time to edit this behemoth down. Without further ado, here's my origin story:

I honestly don't remember very much from my childhood. I know in kindergarten I went in the boy's bathroom once and got punished for it. That was more because, at that age, I didn't really know what gender was yet. I did play with the boys a lot before third grade, but eventually we all got separated into pink and blue boxes and the fun was over. I had my hair cut short and actually disliked it, not because I didn't like how it looked, but because of how badly the other kids made fun of me for it. That was my first indoctrination into a life of internalized transphobia.

I first knew I was different when I was ten or eleven years old, in sex ed class, when they sat us down and told us all the deep, dark secrets of our anatomies. I decided from that day forward that I would not have sex or children, and when ever we had sex ed in the future (they teach us in both elementary and high school over here to make sure everyone's on the same page by graduation) I would sit in the corner disdainfully, mourning the fact that I was incapable of arousal or enjoyment, that my body was so alienating to me. I honestly can't remember a time where I was truly happy after puberty, happy the way I was when I was a child. Maybe it's psychological, or maybe the hormones in my system are acting as a depressant. When I was thirteen or so I saw a documentary on David Reimer, and ever since then I was convinced I was the victim of some kind of botched circumcision or a cruel psychological experiment on behalf of my parents. To this day I wonder if I was, or sometimes wish I had been so I would have some explanation for why my brain is wired this way. The talk shows didn't help; I remember one with a trans guy describing his struggles and aspirations, how hard it had been dealing with a body constantly at odds with his identity, and most importantly, how much he loved his kind and supporting family. How nice, I thought, how nice it must be to really be trans, and not a delusional science experiment.

At that time I thought transition was only for adults. My half sister had transitioned, but she was in her thirties and hundreds of miles away. I was just a kid, a weird kid at that, just going through a phase as my parents would say (the transphobic bullcrap that came from my best friend's mother didn't help with that). I began to withdraw; I stopped speaking and smiling in the hopes that someone, a parent, teacher, anyone, would notice something wrong; ever since then my lips have taken on a permanent downward curvature. I still don't talk to my parents very much. I don't think they've figured it out yet. Then my old friend from elementary school came out. Fifteen years old. Binding, packing, taking T. Posting on Facebook. It was a whole new world to me. Here was this guy, still a kid, not going through a phase, not delusional, living the dream. But I still clung onto the hollow thing that was my supposedly female identity. After all, I had never been able to picture that kid living as a woman even before he came out to me; he played with he-man figures and wore baseball caps and liked sports, which to my teenage mind qualified him as 'really trans'. I liked hotwheels and action figures too of course, but I did it all while wearing a flowery pink dress, which voided whatever other feelings I may have had towards my body at the time.

Maybe I was 'genderqueer'. Maybe I could transition partially you know, compromise so my friends and family wouldn't be as disgusted with me as the rest of the world was with my old friend. But when I finally mustered up the courage to start reading about the subject, and when I really sat down and took a look at myself, I knew it was a lie. 'Being a girl' was a job description, it was empty, held no meaning. But offline, it's still very hard to accept that, because having been mistaken for a girl for the past two decades of my life, I've seen masculinity at its worst. I couldn't live with myself if I was expected to behave that way on a regular basis. So here I am now: a five-foot-six, one-hundred-and-nothing-pounds bespectacled college aged nerd with two child sized hands and a voice that twitters like a flock of canaries when caught off guard. I know I don't pass since I don't have much to work with yet, but at least now I'm no longer confining myself to a body and identity that doesn't work for me. What I need now, more than ever, is to give myself the room to be myself, which is unfortunately harder than it looks.

...and that's about it. Hope this is helpful somehow.