I came out to my best friend the other day, sort of. She's known about my gender questioning for a while now, and has even helped me try out names, so I knew I could trust her but it was still nerve wracking! But she took it in stride and switched from "they" to "he" immediately. It made me feel so great! I never realized how weighed down I felt by all this, talking about it has helped me a lot...though coming out to her and a few others has made me realize even more how I just can't stand living this way.

I was hoping to go to college as a fresh new start, as me, but I can't do that if I don't tell my parents so I can start transitioning, I want testosterone and top surgery, though I'm still researching bottom surgery, but I'm so scared of the possibility of them reacting negatively... I don't think they would physically attack me if I told them, but I'm sure they would verbally and emotionally if they felt like it. They're in such a denial about my sexuality even though I've been out about that for years, and I can't talk about it around anyone in my family sans one cousin who I haven't seen in years without feeling like a fragile child standing by himself before a harsh jury.

The only one I have hopes of accepting me is one of my older sisters, who is bisexual like me - I've even sent anonymous question to her blog asking about her opinion on trans people. Do you think it would be better to tell her first? And get her opinion on what to do? My relationship with my parents is rocky at best - I only communicate seriously with my mom through letters, I haven't seen and have no desire to see my biological dad since I was five, and I ignore my stepdad as much as possible. I doubt this would help strengthen our relationships at all, but I can't continue living a lie like this.

You can play the scenarios over and over in your head, but it's not like dipping your toes in the water at the edge of the pool. It's more like standing on the 10M board, eyes closed, going over the moves in your head. When you finally arch your back, bend the knees and spring off committing yourself to the dive does it become real. That's when the fear starts to set in. it's either worked out really well, or things have gone terribly wrong. Either way, it's over. Done with. There's nothing you can really do at that point except move forward. It's an enormous load off of your mind. Almost, if not in fact empowering. You are the same person today as you will be tomorrow.

Yeah...
I did come out to one of my sisters though, and she took it well. She offered support and prodded me towards telling our parents, though I haven't done that yet. I've been writing countless letters in my mind about it and running over varying terrifying scenarios, but you're right - I'm standing too far from the diving board psyching myself out of going through with jumping. I'm going to work on actually writing a letter and getting all my thoughts and feelings down, and try to prod my mom's thoughts in that direction so it hopefully doesn't seem too out of the blue to her (though she thinks everything that doesn't go according to her plan is "out of the blue", ugh).