So this story starts out all nice, I'm sitting in the waiting room, and a nurse comes out and asks for Willow. I look around. It's only me sitting (or rather I laying, feeling the effects of the large dose of clonazepam I had taken that morning to calm my nerves) in the room. I was overjoyed; the medical staff knows my name, and uses it too! So I get in with the doctor and am given a lot of paperwork, and also reassured that bloodwork isn't required to start hormones; it'll be done a week after. But I am told that I need a letter from a mental health professional. I asked about the diagnosis: it isn't enough I'm told. But she would see me as soon as she received a letter. So I go to psychiatry, to see the doctor who helped me most with gender concerns. She's not here, and won't be until my next appointment with her, on the 27th. The on to the counselling centre, to see if the doctor I worked with there can write a letter, with assistance of the transgender specialist (who I cannot get into at school or her private practice, and doesn't accept my insurance off campus anyways,) but refuses to, saying I should talk with my family first, for insurance reasons (which I'll mention later), and that she is not right to make a decision on this because she is not very knowledgeable about my gender issues.. I thought that she had to be kidding me; she was the first person I came out to on campus. So I have to see one of the gender specialists from off campus, doubting they'll take my insurance either, and haven't replied to my calls (where's the secretary? Shouldn't they be able to answer a call?) And what if they want 6 + sessions before writing me a letter? I can't wait any longer, I already broke down Tuesday, it's been a little better, but I can't keep myself together for much longer.
As for insurance, the doctor said she had indeed disguised insurance in the past (eg. labelling HRT as "hormonal imbalance") but with the growing number of insurance companies accepting HRT under insurance, she's stopped doing so, and won't make an exception for me, who may loose insurance coverage due to this. I can't afford out of pocket (only $50-60 a month, the doctor says, for the generics. I have $53) prescriptions or therapy. I can barely afford food over thanksgiving break, when the dining halls are closed from Wednesday afternoon to Sunday night, the only reprieve being a turkey dinner on Thursday. Fortunately I can stock up on combo exchange. I asked my dad for more money, first he didn't believe that the dining halls would close, but when I showed him the email I got stating so, he said "You should have spend your money better." He'd rather me starve than loose $50? I don't have the money to balance between food, transgender related things that make me happy, and other things that make me happy. It looks like I'm going to have to find a loan, because dad says "I don't want you working, I want you studying!" even though I do so for 20+ hours a week.
Now I sit hungry, not wanting to eat, tired, even though I cried myself to sleep over 6 hours ago, and just feeling dead inside, like there's no continuation. I was so close, but the gap just expanded tenfold.
