I've been with my fiancee for a year and a half. She dated someone prior to me for 2 years. During their relationship the person mistreated my fiancee and they broke up. Shortly after, my fiancee got with me. My situation is complicated because my fiancee's ex has recently come out as MTF and was hinting at it during their relationship. Since I've gotten together with my fiancee, we got engaged, I moved 1,000 miles from home and left my friends and family so we can be by her friends and family and so it can be easier on us money-wise and so I can save for surgery. I've made a lot of sacrifices in our relationship.

They didn't talk for a year because her ex wasn't being respectful of our relationship. Then my fiancee gets a text on Saturday out of the blue. They've been texting back and forth all weekend about transition and my fiancee has been asking me advice on transition and on how to find endos and stuff. No big deal, right? The trouble is, my fiancee still has an emotional bond to this person and I'm not 100% comfortable with it. My fiancee literally cries (real tears) that she left and wasn't supportive to her ex prior to her coming out as MTF and says she is grieving the loss of the person she knew when they dated. She says that she misses aspects of their relationship and things that were special. She does swear that it's not romantic and that she feels like it's her duty to help as a friend to her ex, but I'm just not ok with this. I feel like she still has a bond with someone and it's not me. Am I being selfish? I just don't feel comfortable with her having this bond with someone else while having an active relationship with me. It's killing me inside and literally making me depressed and sick. I've sort-of lied and said it was all ok and that it's ok to be supportive and I'm here to help her ex if need be. I've even personally offered to talk to my fiancee's ex and help in any way I can with transition, but I don't like how my fiancee is getting real emotional over this and crying and stuff. It just makes me feel like there is unfinished business and that my feelings are an afterthought. I want to write my fiancee an email (shes at work so I can't talk face to face) and say I'm not comfortable and that it's making me lose my mind. What do you think I should do? Am I being silly and unrealistic? I can give more clarification if need be, but I'm at a loss and I don't know who to talk to about this. I just need other opinions on what to do and how to handle this.

I wouldn't be happy about it either.

The worst part of any infidelity (that might sound like a strong word to use here, but bear with me) is the emotional attachment your partner has to somebody else. Sexual infidelity is bad enough, but emotional infidelity hurts much, much more. You're right: it does sound like she has some unfinished business going on there - possibly wrapped up in some guilt she might feel for not supporting her ex in transitioning.

This line in particular stands out for me:

Quote from: Darrin Scott on November 18, 2013, 07:46:11 AM
They didn't talk for a year because her ex wasn't being respectful of our relationship.

So her ex has disregarded your relationship before, and now your fiancee appears to be playing along to a certain extent. Her behaviour seems disloyal and it's getting in the way of your ability to trust her... and as we all know, trust is essential in any intimate relationship.

Writing to her is probably a good idea, but perhaps not whilst she's at work because she'll react in some way and she probably wouldn't want that to happen in front of her colleagues. Talking face-to-face runs the risk of getting too emotional, but that risk is reduced if you go out for a meal together.

I think you're perfectly justified in telling her how much you love her and how much she means to you, and whilst you're more than willing to help support her ex you need her reassurance that she's there for you first & foremost. You're perfectly entitled to say that you're not comfortable with her getting too attached to a person who has been disrespectful of your relationship in the past.

You said she was abused by her ex so I'm sure that has a lot to do with why she's so emotionally distraught. Victims of abuse often feel that it was their fault for being abused rather than blaming the actual abuser so she's probably still carrying those feelings of guilt. Another problem is that since she's been away from her ex for a while now she's inclined to forget all of the bad things she had to go through and now she's left to reminisce about the good times they had together. This is why abusive relationship are so difficult for people to overcome in the first place. She seems to be recalling the good memories she has of her ex and in retrospect it's making her think that her ex was a good person and it was her fault for all of the negativity in their relationship so now she wants to repair her emotional bond with this person to ease her guilt.

My suggestion is to make it very clear to your fiancé that you don't want her ex in your lives. I wouldn't offer help or anything of the sort because this person will just drive a wedge between the two of you. It's well known that abusers will try to leech onto new relationships so they can continue spreading their toxicity, especially if an ex is involved who they can continue to harm. You could remind her that this person didn't treat her well and let her know that she has no obligation to keep this person in her life much less bring them into yours too. She should cut ties with them completely and you need to be very firm about that. It might be difficult to do these things at first but if just texting her ex has already caused you both this much pain imagine what you'll have to endure if this person actually becomes a more prevalent part of your lives.