After a stressy day at work - nothing to do with transition or gender, just work stuff - I'm in a bit of a mood and feel like sharing this not so happy story about the time I outed myself to a girlfriend. It might be "triggery" I don't know, read cautiously!
I didn't have my first regular girlfriend until I was 32. Sure, I knew plenty of young women at uni, got along well with many and some of them were very close platonic friends - but with one exception I never dated them. The exception was a young woman who I had a super massive crush on and totally tore myself apart about her, one night we saw a movie together and had dinner but I'm pretty sure it was a pity date, we stayed friends but it never went anywhere. And then I had a tilt at transition, etc, etc... not much chance of a date during those years! So yeah, long story short... first girlfriend at age 32. Let's call her Amanda.
I met Amanda after she responded to a personal ad I'd placed in the newspaper (this was slightly before internet dating sites). The thing is, I really hated trying to put out, pick up, hit on women. Still do. Makes me feel phony and stupid. I'm a deeply loving and caring person but I found that never seemed to be enough to make the initial romantic connection so I figured an ad might at least short circuit part of the process. From the moment I met Amanda I felt we really clicked, even though I didn't find her very physically attractive I found it easy to talk and our first date over lunch went for about three hours. She wanted to take it easy, I wasn't in any rush - sure she wasn't a beauty but I was surprised to feel a sexual attraction to her. We saw each other about three more times before ending up in bed... an awkward experience that wasn't all that fulfilling for either of us I'd imagine... even so, she stayed the night!
Although I'd experimented sexually with a few women it had never gone the whole way for various mutual reasons - tagged out somewhere between third and home I guess you could say. So yes, Amanda was my first... at 32. Sad I know but given my gender issues no surprise. Can't say I thought all that much of the experience but she had a healthy appetite for sex and to my utter surprise liked me. We stayed together and as I got to know her body I enjoyed pleasuring her with kisses, strokes and caresses rather than intercourse - but she was a hetro girl and even when I did bring her to orgasm through "foreplay" the deal wasn't sealed unless we had intercourse. I was trying to prove to myself that I was a man as much as anything so would oblige, even though... "meh". Apologies if that's TMI!
During our first six months together I didn't tell her about my trans history. I'd found that whenever I'd told women about my first attempt they changed how they interacted with me... certainly I was no longer potential boyfriend material, most hetro women after all want a hetro guy who isn't going to start wearing their clothes. Or so I figured. So I decided not to tell Amanda figuring I'd wait until we got to know each other better first and then "of course she'll be OK with it"... yeah, no.
After six months, despite a few bumps here and there, I was feeling that she and I might have a future together but figured I had to tell her I had a trans past - so many people knew about it I was worried she'd hear from someone else eventually and that would be worse. One morning we were in bed and she was cuddling so I figured it was then or never. As I recounted my story from about eight years earlier I could feel her drawing away, by the end of it she had totally recoiled and was crying - and not because she was sad for what I'd gone through either. To say she didn't take it well would be an understatement, our six months together was almost over on the spot. It was very hurtful but I kept my cool and talked her around to staying for the day and she was feeling more OK about it. To be honest I think she was worried what people would think of her if her friends found out. "What if you decide to do it again?" she asked, I told there was no way it would... guess I was wrong!
Things continued for a few more months but even though we had some nice times she couldn't move past her problems with me having been trans*. She even mentioned that as one of the reasons for wanting to break up. Well, whatever. I was upset but got over the break up fairly well even if I still retained some anger for her closed minded attitude. Happy to be rid of her really.
And that's that. Kind of put me off wanting to tell future girlfriends and in fact is one of the reasons I don't even bother dating these days. Don't know why I wanted to share but it helped me calm down about work today. So thanks for reading!
