I've been doing a lot of thinking, lately and I think I"m beginning to realize that I was missing one of the most important aspects of all. It's not the signs I had as a kid or ways I can twist my past experiences to fit what I think I may be. It's how I feel I am, and that is what horrifies me. In terms of gender, that innate feeling everyone is talking about, I don't know. Nothing definite points one way or the other. I feel as if something's off and the idea of being a woman sounds nice, but in reality, what's the cost? And is that really who I am? I can't figure that part out. My insides return no decisive answers and I swing constantly from "I know who I am, I've got this" to "You're being stupid and delusional and making up things. What actual proof do you have?" How can I introspection to confirm within myself if any of this is real? Right now, something's off and all I've got is that gender is involved and there's a giant question mark floating in the air.

Noiro, now is the perfect time to talk to a gender therapist.  They're not *just* for referrals and letters.  They are there to help you through these issues and help you work out for yourself who you are.

Navigating these waters alone can be very dangerous.  The mind is very changeable and is extremely good about hiding motivations from itself.  Give yourself time, too... it seems like the people who *need* to transition discover that about themselves, eventually.  For me, it was like the woman I have always been has exploded after too long being cooped up behind a male facade.  The same has happened for many others. 

Sure it is *nice* if you can start earlier in life, with more time to be young and pretty and find your way and the career that makes the *real* you happy.  That would be optimal.  But there are women who finally found there way in their 70's and beyond.  There are men who deluded themselves for that long, too.  And there are also people who transitioned for the wrong reasons or before they had dealt with other issues who regretted it later... you are questioning, which is great.  You may never transition, you may not need to... but at least you will understand a part of what trans people go through better than many CIS people ever will.  And perhaps you will transition.  Either way, know that Susan's is a good, supportive spot for you to learn and explore, and there are hundreds of good, caring people online every day.

*hug*

I get what you mean, Robin. I'm in no position to seek therapy due to costs, though I know a Informed Consent place near me and I could forgo that cost, likely. I realize that time is probably the best solver of this puzzle, it's just so aggravating sometimes. By nature, when I've got a problem, a puzzle, or something I can't figure it out, I just dedicate all my time to it and eventually, I'll have it solved. Not to mention, most silly puzzles weren't at the cost of having really low days just to remind me that I haven't figured it out yet. Getting to a breaking point certainly would provide the proof I'm looking for, but I just wish there were a better way I could do it.

The fact these feelings exist in the first place should provide some merit, but part of me wants to push and see how far my emotions are really dedicated to this. If time proves that I have no choice, the costs/risks won't matter. But the suffering in the mean-time sucks. I'm in a constant limbo between, "Naaah, I'm fine, that was just a phase" to "Crap, it's back and I've gotta to something" to "But am I really sure?". The cycle just goes on and on...

Quote from: Noiro on November 21, 2013, 03:59:00 PM
The fact these feelings exist in the first place should provide some merit, but part of me wants to push and see how far my emotions are really dedicated to this. If time proves that I have no choice, the costs/risks won't matter. But the suffering in the mean-time sucks. I'm in a constant limbo between, "Naaah, I'm fine, that was just a phase" to "Crap, it's back and I've gotta to something" to "But am I really sure?". The cycle just goes on and on...

I wish I could say this stops and goes away and peace descends and angels sing upon resolving this issue, but I can tell you that even now I have doubts.  I had hopeless desire to be female, yearning to be accepted into women's circles, depression about puberty, and many, many other warning signs and clues that I managed to bury and hide from myself until August this last year.  It was at that point that I finally took a long, hard look at myself.  It was at that point that I realized that the prospect of transitioning was actually open to me.  Once I realized I even *had* a choice, the memories started to flood back.  I had been calling myself gender queer by then for a couple of years... thinking that acknowledging what I thought was the "female side" of me that I could at last have peace.

Letting her out to play, though, changed everything.  She didn't want to go back in her little box.  It took me a while to realize it, but "she" wasn't separate from me at all... She was me.  That's when it hit me; I had always lived my life as if the future didn't matter, blundering from place to place, being surprised at where life took me, and resigned to never really being happy.  Where it got me, eventually, was to being 39 years old, with two grown step-daughters and an 11-year old biological daughter, a divorce, and no clear purpose in my life.

It was then that I realized that I had no vision of myself as an old man.  I simply could not imagine it, beyond the mental equivalent of a stick drawing.  But I could see myself as an old woman, playing with her grandkids and great-grandkids.  I had a future.  My male shell did not.  I wasn't a man who wanted to be a woman; I was a woman who had been forced to live life as a man, her body continually betraying her by refusing to match her soul.

So all this, and some therapy, and I still find myself questioning from time to time.  Not so much whether I want to go through with transition, but rather whether it would be worth it.  90% of the time the answer is "of course!  My being happy with myself *is* important, showing the world the real me is *vital* to my happiness".  10% of the time, though, it feels hopeless.

This isn't an easy road.  Please look around for a therapist who works on a sliding scale.  HRT isn't free either, but you seem to be willing to consider that expense.  A good gender therapist can help give you something more precious than anything, though... peace of mind that at least one medical professional agrees you are on the right path, and helpful tips for dealing with the dark times.  If you have a local LGBT center, contact them; there may be free services available.

Oh, and even if paying for a few months of therapy delays the hormones by several months, I would certainly suggest that it might be worth it.

*hug*

Remember, Noiro... you aren't alone.  We have a lot of brothers and sisters here ready to help.