I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow, I am tired of living a lie and want to be the woman that I truly am. Unfortunately the destruction that will come from this decision is very real and I am not sure what to do? I am a pastor of a church and I have young children at home and a wife who is detaching from me for her on protection. I am scared that if I allow myself to become the woman I truly am the fallout will be more than I can stand. I am grateful for this page so I can verbalize, at least my fears to those who have been in similar situation .

It may be difficult for you, but perhaps you can use this to raise awareness of trans* issues in your church community. Most of the time I'd see many followers of a religion follow the leager of their church, and if they know this is something you're going through, then it must be OK for others to go through.
Use it to your, and humanity's advantage. And, most of all, do what you feel is right. That's all that really matters.

It sounds like you may be going through a crisis of faith, as well.  Have you preached tolerance to your congregation?  Have you taught them to love their brother (or sister) as themselves?

I taught my daughters to do this, long before I was able to admit to myself I was transgendered.  I taught them about GLBTQ issues, the problems faced in society... I taught them to be compassionate, because we are all humans, when it comes down to it.  We are in this life together, for better or for worse, and it's our job as people to make the world better and more accepting for those who come after us.  When I came out to them, they had no issues with it, despite my agonizing over their potential rejection of me.

I would be lying to you if I told you I was a Christian, but I was raised as a Christian.  I'm not certain your church is a Christian church or a Muslim church or what... but for the sake of argument I will default to Christian.  If I came to you and told you that I had a burden that was too big for me to bear, that I feared would break me, what would you do?

There is a wonderful verse that is very applicable to your situation that comes to mind... I can't give you the book or the chapter, and it's probably misquoted since it has been a long time since I memorized it, but it goes like this, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding".

If you interpret it like I do, it is a very powerful verse.  "Have faith that you are the way you are for a reason and don't second guess the plan for your life" would be the generic way I would translate it into a more generic (non-specifically religious) way.  You are who you are because you were created this way.  There is a plan for you.  Do what you must, follow the path before you, and have faith that there is a good reason for it.

*hug*

I suspect you will find a lot of the intolerance you fear will turn out to be much stronger in your mind than in real life.

This might sound too simplistic, but  this is a great time to see help from God Also a professional  therapist would greatly help.

You will die inside and maybe out if you hold back from this.   I let myself get to that point,  if I hadn't found susans and come out and started a transition, I would be dead from suicide.  Sometimes you have to forget everyone else and do what you have to do.

Thank you to all for the support not getting any on the home front. My wife is praying the therapist cure me. I may be lonely but at least now I am not alone! Thank you!

yea I found Susan's is a good place to get direction

Quote from: kellizgirl on November 21, 2013, 12:34:12 PM
Thank you to all for the support not getting any on the home front. My wife is praying the therapist cure me. I may be lonely but at least now I am not alone! Thank you!

The therapist will help... but the endocrinologist will cure you if you decide that is necessary to be complete (as I have in my personal journey).

I can understand how this must be very difficult for you. If your denomination is adamantly against LGBT+ issues you will have a much more difficult path than otherwise. I believe god made you this way and offers it as a challenge of faith for you, your wife, and your church.



For reference, I am agnostic, raised Catholic. I believe in something, but I feel that all religion holds equal merit. Above all, I believe that all people should be accepted for who they are by the church and that only secular law has the right to rule ethically - god and self dictate morality.

We are all here for you <3 the thing you need the can often be the hardest to get but the most worth it.

The therapist will help... but the endocrinologist will cure you if you decide that is necessary to be complete (as I have in my personal journey).





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I do want to be a total woman externally as well as I am internally. I am always wearing as much women's clothing as I can while not giving anything away just yet. I am always tucked and taped and want the day when I can go out fully me.
I have a girlfriend from my past that I have recently got back in contact with and she has allowed me to confess to her all the real me and is very excited for me. She wants me to come visit and allow me to be fully Kelli and take me out on a girls night. I look forward to this but with three kids at home and still a pastor of a very conservative denomination this will have to be a long term plan.

Quote from: kellizgirl on November 21, 2013, 10:32:52 AM
I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow, I am tired of living a lie and want to be the woman that I truly am. Unfortunately the destruction that will come from this decision is very real and I am not sure what to do? I am a pastor of a church and I have young children at home and a wife who is detaching from me for her own protection. I am scared that if I allow myself to become the woman I truly am the fallout will be more than I can stand. I am grateful for this page so I can verbalize, at least my fears to those who have been in similar situation .

Well, this is some pretty heavy stuff.  I guess it somewhat depends if your church is non-denom or what denom it is, as to whether or not you would be totally ostracized.  I was part of a high profile Christian TV ministry for 10 years and kept my gender stuff fully concealed.  Thank God, I finally "saw the light" and left that situation two years ago. 
It's a very tough predicament to be in, especially with a wife and kids, and really I hope you can work things out.

Your therapist will help immensely as you will undoubtedly find.  But that being said, I'll go on with my recent (good) experience involving transgender women and churches.  I've already posted about the bad stuff.

While in Michigan I was a guest at an Evangelical Lutheran Church where I listened to a local transgender woman speak of her life, transition and faith.   After the speech she spent a short time answering questions about the support she found in her faith, and the joy from helping hands extended by the congregation of her own church.  All those who attended were enthusiastic about the Q&A session, and it was a grand expression of their heart felt desire to learn.  The two pastors of the church holding the discussion (husband and wife), and the attending congregation were surprisingly open to the woman who spoke, as well as being genuinely friendly to me.  And since I was baptized in a Missouri Synod Lutheran church, and not affiliated with a church in Michigan I was overwhelmed by invitations to join their congregation.   I declined for reasons I won't discuss.

My point is, there are churches and congregations that are accepting and open to transgender members, even in very conservative areas of Michigan's Upper Peninsula.  I also made a google search and quickly found two examples of churches here in California that opened their doors to transgender pastors.  And I'm positive I've heard of more.  I see that your wife is already distancing herself from you, but I hope you find a way to stay close to your children as you fulfill your calling to guide the members of your church.

Please take care, and keep us updated. 
Hugs.  K

I've learned one great lesson over the past several years with my struggle and that is that there is no right way of doing things, no road map, no got to's. Being transgendered covers a spectrum of expressions as well as a spectrum of how to deal with it.

If you've been like me, bottling up all the shame and especially the guilt, there is a lot of baggage that needs shedding. It is amazing how the world looks totally different through a pair of eyes attached to a spirit that has reached some level of self acceptance, rather than self hatred.

In times of despair we often lock onto one solution as the way out rather than keeping our eyes and minds open to all possibilities. As you already noted, transitioning can mean a tremendous cost to you as well to others that you love. Only you can decide that the cost is worth the gains. I always approached it, still do, as the gains are basically unknown. In some ways it requires a leap of faith. Yet there is an infinite graduations of grey between the black/white male female thinking in which you may find just the right balance.

Well I did it I had my first appointment with my therapist. I was scared as hell but she was wonderful! I told her that I am a woman and I am the most me when I can be completely Kelli. She asked if that meant changing my body as well? I told her that if I could wake up tomorrow as a woman I would be very, very happy. Then she told me there was nothing wrong with me and it is OK to be a woman, and most importantly God was OK with that as well! I was without words at this point! I had never had a fellow Christian tell me this! A peace came over me that I had never known. I didn't have to be afraid anymore for if God is OK with me I honestly will not give others authority over that!

My therapist wants to meet Kelli at some point in the future, she told me not to change anything externally yet but to keep doing what I am doing and we are going to work on the internal stuff. (I have a bunch) Thank God for my therapist!!!!

Quote from: kellizgirl on November 23, 2013, 06:21:44 AM
Well I did it I had my first appointment with my therapist. I was scared as hell but she was wonderful! I told her that I am a woman and I am the most me when I can be completely Kelli. She asked if that meant changing my body as well? I told her that if I could wake up tomorrow as a woman I would be very, very happy. Then she told me there was nothing wrong with me and it is OK to be a woman, and most importantly God was OK with that as well! I was without words at this point! I had never had a fellow Christian tell me this! A peace came over me that I had never known. I didn't have to be afraid anymore for if God is OK with me I honestly will not give others authority over that!

My therapist wants to meet Kelli at some point in the future, she told me not to change anything externally yet but to keep doing what I am doing and we are going to work on the internal stuff. (I have a bunch) Thank God for my therapist!!!!

I'm so happy for you!

*hug*  Congratulations.  I hope that you will find the other things you fear about transition melt away just as easily!

I have found a little more peace with the reality I am Kelli. I even wore hose to church yesterday and shaved my legs this morning. I have started keeping a journal, begrudgingly, and I have already realized how much I have hurt myself over the years trying to live the lie. I am asking Kelli to forgive me and working on ways of allowing her to come out. I have no idea how long this will take butI have started the journey and I am not going back to the dark!   

good luck time fly's

Quote from: kellizgirl on November 25, 2013, 09:08:58 AM
I have found a little more peace with the reality I am Kelli. I even wore hose to church yesterday and shaved my legs this morning. I have started keeping a journal, begrudgingly, and I have already realized how much I have hurt myself over the years trying to live the lie. I am asking Kelli to forgive me and working on ways of allowing her to come out. I have no idea how long this will take butI have started the journey and I am not going back to the dark!   

*hug*  Feels great, doesn't it?  Sure it's scary sometimes (no worthwhile change comes without some fear), but Kelli, *you* have been denied for too long.  Welcome, sister.