Deep breath - and apologies in advance if I'm posting in the wrong area!
ANY advice absolutely taken on board, given I am seriously uncertain of path ahead!
In short - I'm a 52 year old man.....always considered myself a classic TV. Dressed from an early age, enjoyed it.....managed to hide it, purged, rebought, all the classic signals.
I've been married twice, and have a 12 year old child in my current marriage.
I stopped dressing when my child was born.....my wife knew, I told her when we got engaged 20 years ago, but we never discussed it subsequently. I have never stopped thinking of my situation...my *other self*. Each day. Every day.
A year ago...I was ridiculously depressed. Work was getting me down, the house, everything. My wife discussed everything with me, and out of the blue asked about my dressing. I broke down and told her how I felt incomplete. She took charge, went shopping, bought me everything needed, and I dressed WITH her that weekend.
She has since been supportive and non judgemental.
However.....
I have realised that my dressing is not enough. I sense deeply that I am transsexual.
If I could wake up tomorrow - female ....I would. Without question.
I feel I have wasted my life not confronting the burning issue at my very core.
It saddens me immensely.
I know it will be hard to make the decision to transition - and thats what I am looking to this forum to *help* with. I know everyone has their own views, and experiences, and I will take ALL happily and non critically.
I worry about the effect on my child.....my wife and her life situation (46 and dependant on MY income). My age...... the fact I am 6 feet tall, and always considered a *handsome, masculine man* as opposed to a *pretty boy* etc.
My parents are passed, which was always another consideration.....
All in all.....I simply wanted to reach out and see if anyone could offer their perspectives.
Much appreciated in advance!
Sara.

Hi Sara,
Welcome. I'm glad that you made it here to Susans. You will meet lots of nice people here who can provide support, friendship and a advice. I am guessing from your name that you are from London. I'm in Ireland.
Apart from living on the same side of the world, we have a lot in common. I'm 54 years old, married, two kids (mine are both finished college). I too crossed dressed all my life, went through denial stages but eventually accepted that I am transgender and I am in fact a woman. Every time I say or write those words, my heart skips a beat - I'm actually really happy about it as accepting the girl inside has brought me a lot of happiness.

Unlike you however, my wife does not know anything about my dressing or my femininity. I hate hiding it but I know she could never accept it and it could end the happy life we have had for over 30 years. At our age we have many commitments to family, work and social relationships. Coming out and transitioning would bring pressures on those relationships that for me would carry a high cost. For these reasons I do not plan to come out or transition. However I do have a happy life presenting as a man but knowing I am a woman. Whenever possible I will dress in pretty clothes, put on my hair and makeup and enjoy being in my home (alone) as Ciara. These moments make everything worthwhile......It works for me.

Others here at Susans find that this is not enough for them. I understand why. There are times that I wish I could transition like them. There are times that I envy the wonderful girls here that are transitioning or already have.

Anyway, that is my story. I'm not sure that it helps you in any way but I hope it does. You'll get lots more advice here from others.

Its nice to meet you and I hope to see you around the site.

Ciara

Hi Sara my name is Emily.T and I am from Australia my story is similar to yours in every way except I am only 41 yo, when I came out to my wife of 11 years she also took me shopping but she had alternative motives she taught that I would feel silly and forget about it but I also felt that dressing wasn't enough and I wanted more this is when our relationship started breaking down, we are now seperated and I'm taking my journey on my own but thankfully I found Susan's for support.

Susan's has a great wealth of knowledge and support when you need it, its good to have you here and look forward to reading your posts.

Emily.T xx

Thank you both so much! Just to have a response brought a lift to my heart this afternoon! I know exactly what you mean Ciara, I close my eyes, and tell myself, I am a woman. And it feels *right*.
I have been reading through the various threads, and a lot of what I am asking has been covered. It's all just a mish mash in my brain now, and when I registered, I simply had to get something down on paper. Ask and ask again.
I have spent the past few weeks sitting up til 4 or 5 in the morning, simply analysing and analysing again the pros and cons.
I think ultimately it comes down to *can I live the rest of my time and die - male*?
If only it were simple....if only it wasn't all so cut and dried.
I find myself wincing inside whenever any of the girls at work say "gorgeous man!" or such. (Not meaning physically.....I tend to be easy going and supportive...it's the *man* thing!! 
Anyway....thanks again for your acceptance.
xxx

Sara-

Have you ever considered seeing a gender therapist? They help people sort out these kinds of feelings. It sounds to me that you might be close to that point now.

As you probably know from your reading these feelings tend to get stronger over time. Mine hit me out of the blue at 45, and at 51 I started my transition.

~Eva

Hi Eva Marie.....it has crossed my mind most definitely. I'm not taking this lightly. I know I need to be 100% sure it;s a road I MUST travel, as opposed to want to.
My desire gets stronger daily, and even walking about in my everyday life, I picture myself female. It's a constant. I'm not good company to wife or daughter, irritable, morose, a oain in the ass!
Could I ask about your experience as you decided TO transition?
huge thanks
Sara

My story is also very much like yours.  It has always intrigued me how so many of us from all over the world have similar stories.  In the end we all come to the point where we can no longer deny it.  For some that point comes when they are very young (I envy them) and for others much later in life. 

While we all come to the same place emotionally where we go with it differs immensely.  For those of us that come to the realization later in life it's difficult. We have built a life based on a gender that is all wrong.  What we do effects not just ourselves but all the other people in our life.  Since your wife is supportive with your dressing perhaps you should see how she feels about transition.

If you can, I think the advice to see a gender therapist is great advice. 

Welcome Sara.  I'm near Oxford, so you are within easier reach of Hammersmith than I am.  http://www.wlmht.nhs.uk/gi/gender-identity-clinic/ is the starting point for most of us around here.

I was diagnosed Asperger when I was 51 and I believe that's when my marriage fell apart.  My first stirrings of self doubt about my gender identity just provided grounds for divorce that our church would accept.  Sad to say, very few marriages survive transition.  You will have to find your own way, but I'm sure many of us can share experiences that are relevant.

Mary

Sara,

We have a lot in common: wife, child (children in my case), the extensive reading, and countless nights awake analyzing the situation. I cringed when my wife called me a gorgeous man . My wife was supportive and interactive when cross dressing, but it was/is hard on her when I told her my feelings were stronger.

I have done a lot of reading on the SO forum and would recommend the same. In my reading, sometimes it simply does not work out between couples, but it reads as if your wife open about addressing gender issues. The other common misstep I have read is not being patient with a SO (guilty here). This will be understandably difficuly for you because it is hurtful to feel stuck in place in trying to address your needs. Your level of acceptance will be different from your spouse, so keep talking to find a pace that is comfortable for both (understanding that the pace will never fully be in step with eachother). A therapist would be of great help in facilitating the discussion. Keep reading the forum becuse there are couples that have developed different ways of finding a workable solution based on your feelings at the time and that of your family.

I needed to change my lifestyle because I could not be a functional spouse/parent with the depression and anxiety. My wife and I are seeing a therapist. She has become more and more accepting, but it took a lot of work to get there. Still along ways to go. I love my family greatly, so my level of transition will be based the pace that is workable with my family.

I hope nothing but the best for you, and please keep us informed.

Julia

Quote from: SaraLondonUK on November 22, 2013, 06:26:26 AM
Thank you both so much! Just to have a response brought a lift to my heart this afternoon!..........

Hi Sara,
Ciara here again.............I'm glad to see that you have already had lots of support from the girls here. When I first came to Susans I was scared, alone and vulnerable. I no longer am. The friends that I have met here have given me the strength and confidence to discover and accept myself. The girls (and guys) here helped me learn to love who I am. I hope that in time you also will learn to love who you are.
Ciara.

Dear Sara...

Welcome to the sisterhood.  It's not every woman who is strong enough to realize who she is and who is willing and able to fight to show herself for who she is.  *hug*  May your transition be smooth and magical! 

Definitely *do* get a gender therapist.  Living in the UK appears to be a blessing and a curse as far as transition goes, given the public health care system.  I know several who have invested their own money in private clinics to avoid a lot of delays, though. 

I understand all too well how you feel about wanting to wake up tomorrow.  It seems Robin kind of hated being cooped up for nearly forty years, and now I'm ready to take on the world. 

*hug*

I'm more than a little in awe of the board already! I feel from my reading, a lot of questions answered and a lot more to ask!! Thank you all SOOOO much, I wish I;d found here earlier!
I'm more than a little terrified of seeing a therapist, even though I know there is a professionalism involved that will prove my fears unfounded. A part of me is terrified they'll say I am NOT transgendered...and an equal part that's terrified they'll confirm what I've known all my life!!!
There seems to have been so much progress made in the field of transition since I remember sweating and reddening in the library of my town, at the age of 14,  looking through a book on April Ashley...worried someone may put two and two together.
I looked through the link Mary, again my thanks.
I feel more positive in not being alone than I ever have!
xxx

Hi all, I just wanted to thank everyone for all the advice and support.
After years of questioning, I have an appointment booked with a therapist for Thursday coming. I'm nervous as can be, but also incredibly positive as to outcome!
xxx

Good way to look at it. The first appointment is more like an interview. They are learning you as you are learning them.

Hiya.....I just wanted to leave an update. In case anyone else has been thinking along the same lines as myself.
I've been quiet simply as so much was happening.
I started to see a counsellor last December. I went through a few on the phone and chose the one I felt was most empathetic.
She has been terrific, and I have talked through all of my issues from start to finish.
As a result, and with the help of my wife, I went along to see Dr Curtis 3 weeks ago..... we had a very productive meeting. I had a blood test done, and my counsellor wrote a referral letter, and I have made a follow up appointment for October.
At that stage....I will most likely start on a hormone regime.
Where it will lead..I have no idea as yet. I am taking one step at a time. My family is all important, and it is a journey that involves a partner as well as myself
All i WILL say, is to any girl who has hit 50 and thinks *too late...too much baggage*...don't!
Whatever the outcome, I am already 100% happier and less stressed than I have been in 20 years.
Believe what your mind tells you, and act upon it.
Much love to all who have helped with advice and general opinion!

Congrats Sara,

Oh I was 58 when I started my transition, it is never too late!

Sara, thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are getting on.  It's great to hear that things seem to be working out - we need these success stories once in a while to help us all forward through this.

I hope you stick around and share your continuing journey. 

Absolutely. I think being in a relationship with a wife who is uncertain, but so supportive, is a useful thing to keep people acquainted with. As I say, first steps, and after hormones I don't know what will happen. Will it be enough? Or will it open Pandora's Box.
It was absolutely joyous reading my counsellors letter to the Doctor...... "....mindset is consistently female".
Happy times.