Hey all,
You may refer to me as Particle. (This is gonna be a little long.)
I'm a 38 year-old man* who is trying to come to terms with his life and is staring down the barrel of the gender identity cannon.
I'm currently trying to get myself out of the deep dark depression I've been for most of my adult life, and in so doing, I've cracked open 18 years of slow, partial burial of my TG feelings, and now have to deal with this crap that I thought I was done with.
I am very annoyed by this. It's not even like I'm one of those "I was always a girl inside completely" types. No, I really like a lot of stuff about being a guy, none of which would be completely out of the picture if I were to transition, but wouldn't be as easy. If I could constructively make this go away, I would. In fact, thats kinda what I'm trying to do now. To find a level of femaleness that will make me the most happy.
Here is a brief historical rundown. Probable undiagosed Asperger's kid, never felt like I fit with boys or girls, wound up basicallly, finding peace as a tremendous nerd. Massively fascinated by crossdressing, women's hairstyling and makeup. Did some furtive bathroom crossdressing as a teenager.
Went to college, found the internet... *old man voice* Now this was the real internet. Gopherspace, non-binary usenet (hello alt.transgendered), no web (Literally the year the web went public. Ah... NCSA Mosaic) I found a little corner of IRC (EFnet #crossdress) that spoke about my obsession and I began exploring. Particle- was my nick there, Followed by Wendy-, when I became comfortable with having a femme ID.
I was strongly feeling a pull to transition. It might have been my easily influenced nature or what, but I was really thinking about it.
A few years later, got into a relationship, got married (she was aware of my issues, and was okay as long as I was remaining a guy primarily), and settled into a life slowly bleeding dry of feminity. It basically was a sex thing. I had reached a stable, "just a fetish" stage and thought I was stable. I was also by then locked in a massively uncontrolled depression with violent outbursts. (Property damage only) Got help, meds things got better. I'm unmotivated and depressed but more controlled.
I can't point to exactly when, but in the last 6 months, my gender discomfort shot through the roof, and I'm realizing that I have to figure this out. It's not going away on its own.
Am I a transsexual in denial?
Should I be transitioning?
Can I find a different way to resolve this?
An annoyance is due to financial isssues, I can't afford any supplies or clothing. (I'm kind of ogre sizes, so thrift stores are not an option.) Hell, we are living with my in-lawsx who respect no boundaries and I have no idea how they will react if anything was witnessed.
Anyway, I need somewhere to talk about this, so here I am.
--Particle
*(I am male until I say otherwise, and yes, that is part of the question here. Please respect my use of a masculine term, even though I am mtf in terms of my gender flow pattern.)
