Yes. I became much more in touch with my emotions.

Quote from: JordanBlue on November 23, 2013, 01:16:38 PM
Not even like 1mg a day? Just to see if it makes me feel better?

I'd really advise against it. It might seem harmless but it's a hormone that will tweak a lot of your body chemistry and could cause adverse reactions even at low doses. It's always a good idea having a doctor to back you up and regular blood tests to make sure it's working like it should. Besides, therapy will help you too. I went in all gung-ho knowing exactly what I wanted, who I was, etc. and I think he was a bit intimidated lol, but also impressed. But even so, he helped me think about some things I hadn't considered, so I think it was more useful than simply trying to get my letter.

Yea therapist are inportant

There are people who actually do not need therapy. Now... who is important - it is the endo or GP, who can supervise the hormonal levels. And btw, dysphoria gets worse with the age and it just does not go away. There was that article - I will see if I can find the link - it gets often reposted here - one of the most famous gender experts explains the transgender timeline and how GD manifests during different times of life and that it is never too late to find solutions - whatever the age or situation might be!

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 23, 2013, 04:24:02 PM
There are people who actually do not need therapy.

Well, I didn't need therapy. So I have to agree with that. But I did benefit from it anyway. I suppose you could just go find an endo that doesn't need a letter, but.. I just think seeing a therapist should be the first course of action. I've known some desperate and impulsive girls who just went for the meds right away and started self-medicating. Some of them didn't even know what doses were appropriate and didn't care 'as long as they work'. >.< I think it's disgusting and dangerous behaviour, and if you're going to take risks like that then I don't see why you couldn't benefit from therapy. Anyway, I guess even finding an endo that doesn't need a letter would certainly be much better than no endo at all.

Quote from: Ashey on November 23, 2013, 04:43:00 PM
Well, I didn't need therapy. So I have to agree with that. But I did benefit from it anyway. I suppose you could just go find an endo that doesn't need a letter, but.. I just think seeing a therapist should be the first course of action. I've known some desperate and impulsive girls who just went for the meds right away and started self-medicating. Some of them didn't even know what doses were appropriate and didn't care 'as long as they work'. >.< I think it's disgusting and dangerous behavior, and if you're going to take risks like that then I don't see why you couldn't benefit from therapy. Anyway, I guess even finding an endo that doesn't need a letter would certainly be much better than no endo at all.

I tried therapy a few years ago.  It wasn't a gender specialist because they don't exist anywhere near me.  It didn't work out well and I ended up leaving more frustrated and confused than when I went in.  I've got the patent on doing disgusting and dangerous things.  So much of what I read here describes my state of mind, I'm just curious if estrogen would help. 

I really don't know how to answer this. I think I have changed in a way, but I'm still the same.

Perhaps I am allowing me to be more spontaneous, because I find myself giggling a lot more than before and I end with very feminine giggles that make people stare at me (I have not transitioned yet).

I noticed that I am paying much more attention to how people looks. Before HRT I usually could watch a movie and never really noticed or was interested about their look...but now I need to comment all the time about "this actress have strange eyebrows" or "this actor is looking good with this beard" or "nice clothes" and so on.

I pass a lot more time staring myself at the mirror. It is starting to bother me, because I can't leave my house without checking if everything is in order, if my hair is looking good, if my clothes are good, if my skin is looking good...and I freak out when I am out and comes a wind and blows all my hair...I can't fix it without a mirror, actually I think that now I can't live without a mirror!

But, on the other hand, the way I see things in general did not change at all. I still like to drive at high speeds when I can do so, I still like science-fiction, I am still a perfectionist, I still cry when watching movies, I still cry when I remember bad things about my life (I was always a crying baby), I still feel very anxious all the time, I still love to play videogames, I am still a very shy person, I still feel insecure and I still walk with my head down and looking at my feet, I still sit and close my arms and legs as a shell, I still feel I am the weird strange unwanted person every place I go and so on :/

Quote from: JordanBlue on November 23, 2013, 04:59:51 PM
I tried therapy a few years ago.  It wasn't a gender specialist because they don't exist anywhere near me.  It didn't work out well and I ended up leaving more frustrated and confused than when I went in.  I've got the patent on doing disgusting and dangerous things.  So much of what I read here describes my state of mind, I'm just curious if estrogen would help.

There are good and bad therapists. There are also some good ones that you just won't feel comfortable with for whatever reason. The key is finding the right one for you. That's why consultations are so useful.

I saw a therapist I didn't like or trust, and quit on him after just a few sessions. Then I found another and talked to her for a year and a half, but I never felt comfortable opening up to her. It was a waste of time and money. I could never bring myself to tell her the one thing that was always on the tip of my tongue. I just couldn't get it out. Finally I stopped seeing her and went into a very bad place for a long time.

About ten years later I crawled out of my hole and searched for a new therapist. This time I got lucky and found someone very compassionate and easy to talk to. I chose to give him a chance for two reasons. His credentials were excellent, and he had a very kind look to him. Just something in his eyes told me he might be one of the good ones. And sure enough he was. Still, it took me almost two years of beating around the bush, but I finally just came out and said it. Since then we've been talking a lot about my gender issues and experiences related to it, transitioning, etc. and I've started seeing a gender therapist as well who has turned out to be a very cool woman who has so much respect for trans people.

In short, once I found the right people to talk to therapy turned out to be a very good thing for me. And this coming from someone who called her psychiatrist a drug dealer. To his face. I needed help but I had a low opinion of therapists in general. My opinion has changed now that I have a couple of good ones helping me through this.

I was lucky, my therapist was really nice and eager to help. But I managed to find him through the local LGBT center, so if anyone is looking for a good therapist, I would suggest starting there if you have one nearby. He technically specialized in LGBT related issues but hadn't had that much experience with the transgendered, so in a way I helped him too. But having that speciality, I felt almost instantly at ease with telling him about my issues and what I wanted.

However, he was also only 5 years older than me, tall, fit, and not bad looking on top of being nice and compassionate, sooo.. lil awkward for me at times lol. Made me a bit more dysphoric in a way because I wasn't always sure if he saw what I saw. Regardless, it was nice talking to someone who was both a professional and willing to listen.

Quote from: Ashey on November 23, 2013, 06:08:49 PM
However, he was also only 5 years older than me, tall, fit, and not bad looking on top of being nice and compassionate, sooo.. lil awkward for me at times lol. Made me a bit more dysphoric in a way because I wasn't always sure if he saw what I saw. Regardless, it was nice talking to someone who was both a professional and willing to listen.

Aaaand...? Is there another part of that story, which You would wish to tell us about?

It's correct that not every transsexual NEEDS therapy, but honestly I can't imagine anyone going through this sort of major life-change and not benefiting from some form of therapy. I'm a pretty well-adjusted, stable, sane, intelligent person who did all her research for years before deciding to transition and I didn't NEED a therapist to approve my HRT, but I did it anyway and I don't regret it. I still see my therapist once in awhile and we usually just talk about how great everything is in my life since transitioning but I still find the relationship beneficial. It's just nice to have someone to talk to about all the changes that are happening to you, and they can often advise you on things like how to deal with difficult family members, or "how do I tell the person I'm dating that I'm trans?" and that sort of thing. Plus you'll need their recommendation letter eventually if you want SRS so it's good to establish some history with one that you like and trust.

I agree. Therapy can come with a stigma that something must be wrong with you. It can be hard for people to get past that stigma even if they do have mental issues.

Therapy really is an outlet. Kind of like a journal but a journal does not listen or ask questions. A counselor is the type of person who can discuss the stuff that most friends and loved ones would consider TMI. "Hey Mom, my ejaculate is clear!"

Many do not NEED therapy. In more and more parts of the world, it is not required in order to start transition, which is awesome. If you know you are trans, you do not need confirmation. If you are unsure, nobody else can decide for you. Still, it is worth looking into if you have the proper health coverage or money. Not every counselor is right for every person. You may need to try several to find one who works for/with you. The right pairing can develop into a relationship and/or friendship. I promise there are countless professionals who will be interested in you and your well being. The trick is to find one. This may prove to be difficult in rural areas but not so much in populated ones.

But I digress...

Self Medication:

Here is the problem; there are a number of different forms and delivery systems for the hormone of interest.  A person needs to get the right one for the optimum effect.  However, hormones do things other than just make us the right sex.  A person really should have blood tests that monitor the function of the body.  How about sodium levels? Screw them up and nerve conduction can get messed up which means the muscles or even the brain doesn't work correctly.    How about liver function tests.... No liver function, no life.  Want to live?

Here is the other part of the problem: finding a competent people to work with.  There are some real stupid medical professionals and there are some excellent ones.  We, the patients, need to know enough to discern which ones are idiots and which ones are good.  We need the ability to discuss HRT to the point we can effectively discern idiots from geniuses beyond "We like them". 

I don't know how to do that. 

JordanBlue wants to feel human.  I want to help her.  (You're in denial Jordan - Hug)  She needs a couple hours with a competent therapist and one visit to a competent endo.  Could we start a doctor review list?  Jordan could go to it, she could look at her location and see a qualified phsyc and an endo who would know something?  I know the LGBT hotline has something like that.  Why can't we???

Sorry to rant. 

Puzzled,

Jen

Yes. Everything changes, especially sense of smell!

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 23, 2013, 06:38:25 PM
Aaaand...? Is there another part of that story, which You would wish to tell us about?

..No!

Quote from: Tori on November 23, 2013, 09:15:43 PM
A counselor is the type of person who can discuss the stuff that most friends and loved ones would consider TMI. "Hey Mom, my ejaculate is clear!"

xD I've been testing my mom lately. She likes to know how I'm doing with the pills, so I told her they're having an effect on me.

Mom: "Oh? What kind?"
Me: "The mental kind.."
Mom: (look of horror) "It isn't..depression, is it?" D;
Me: (lol) "No nothing like that. But, well.. my libido has dropped a lot.."
Mom: o_o "Oh.."

But it didn't get super awkward lol. In fact it lead to a nice lil conversation where we discussed men, womanhood, protecting myself, and all that fun stuff. Mother/daughter bonding. <3 

Quote from: JLT1 on November 23, 2013, 09:35:03 PM
JordanBlue wants to feel human.  I want to help her.  (You're in denial Jordan - Hug)  She needs a couple hours with a competent therapist and one visit to a competent endo.  Could we start a doctor review list?  Jordan could go to it, she could look at her location and see a qualified phsyc and an endo who would know something?  I know the LGBT hotline has something like that.  Why can't we???
Sorry to rant. 
Puzzled, Jen

Thanks Jen, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness.  The thing is, after reading what Jill F had to say in this thread, well...let me just say the light bulb came on.  It really hit home with me.  I'm thinking this is exactly how I feel...maybe this is what I need to investigate?  I feel like I'm past the point of completely transitioning.  Not just age wise, but a lot that would take too long to explain right now. Please understand that I'm not trying to just make up excuses.  It just seems like an unattainable vision. But the chance to feel like my life isn't the dark negative muddle that it always feels like? Absolutely, I'll jump on that bandwagon right now.  But I get it.  Self medication isn't wise. I'm not even sure I would have the courage to do it.   

I was never able to tell much difference thought wise. However my endocrinologist did a slow ramp up and my initial dose was quite low. Anymore I have a robust HT regimen that will likely be scaled back when post-op. I have never been off HT so I can't tell what effects it might have, and frankly I never intend to be off HT (my surgeon doesn't advocate stopping HT for that period.)
My general interpretation is that if there is an effect it's like any other drug, it doesn't add or change what is already in a persons mind, but it might effect the way you perceive and act on what was already there.

Quote from: Ashey on November 24, 2013, 12:01:12 AM
But it didn't get super awkward lol. In fact it lead to a nice lil conversation where we discussed men, womanhood, protecting myself, and all that fun stuff. Mother/daughter bonding. <3

Nice isn't it?   And so so important.

Come to think of it I probably didn't change much at all. Probably just seemed that way in the midst of the hysterical frenzy of transition.

I really haven't change much except that I'm a whole lot more positive about my present and future. I'm doing what I wanted to do all my life and its letting me feel so beautiful inside. I was a very unhappy camper for a very long time and I just feel good now This self is if free to express herself. It's such a heavy burden to finally cast off.