I came out of the closet to myself on August 5th, 2013. This was, in a major part, a drive to fix my health. I'd been diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure about 9-12 months prior and I was wholly unsuccessful at losing weight. I think I managed to keep 10 lbs off, bringing me to 235.

I've said all this before. My diet plan is heavy on carbs in the morning - cereal and yogurt, and only salads for lunch and dinner (for most meals, at least).

This and last weeks have been difficult for me with very strong dysphoria and stressful family situations. I also started adding intense exercise. The exercise has always been tough for me - it increases my hunger... but I don't think that's the problem I'm having.

I've felt the emotional need to overeat this week. Today I'm actually only about 400 over my goal (and only 200 over my new goal - with exercise I'm trying to eat a bit more than I was)... but today was very high, almost exclusively, carbohydrates and fat. I didn't touch a single lettuce leaf... I snacked... and I had two sausages for dinner, complete with white rolls and french fries.

Right now I feel sedated. I'm somewhat less depressed and dysphoric, things feel muted and tired. I'm sitting here feeling like I did nearly every day in June and July. The dysphoria is still there and stronger than 6 months ago... but I'm still a lot lighter than 6 months ago too (with all the extra T that's supposed to bring).

I've had a second epiphany. I really was doing this to myself. I was truly addicted and truly looking for sedation. More than that, I was absolutely doing this to reduce dysphoria and cope with my gender dissonance.

Never again will I do this to myself! Never again will I be false to who I truly am. I will remain strong and healthy and I will continue down this incredibly important path in my life. ♥

One thing that helps me when I really want to snack is eating black olives - they are way low on calories and not bad for you health wise even. I just keep them in the fridge, and when inevitably I wander into the kitchen and am scrounging, I can end up there and not feel really bad about myself afterwards

I lost my way recently with weight loss too and comfort/boredom snacking, so I understand where you are coming from.

I tried cutting out carbs and after about three weeks I would have murdered someone for a warm dinner roll with melting butter on it.

Quote from: spacerace on November 22, 2013, 01:36:01 PM
One thing that helps me when I really want to snack is eating black olives - they are way low on calories and not bad for you health wise even. I just keep them in the fridge, and when inevitably I wander into the kitchen and am scrounging, I can end up there and not feel really bad about myself afterwards

I lost my way recently with weight loss too and comfort/boredom snacking, so I understand where you are coming from.

I like those string cheese sticks... usually I don't need to snack but I guess I should find better ones. Maybe carrots & hummus!

Quote from: megan2929 on November 23, 2013, 09:07:59 PM
I tried cutting out carbs and after about three weeks I would have murdered someone for a warm dinner roll with melting butter on it.

It has been working so wonderfully for me until recently. I haven't been able to shake off the dysphoria . . . and it just lends itself to eating. Please Ms. Endo... give me some balance

Very insightful and well put Tarah.

I used food as well as booze to help me hide from the demon. At one point in my much younger years I tipped the scales at 250 lbs. After loosing some 100 lbs I had my experiments with transitioning, in the end opting for sort of "Normal". After the excrement hit the air handler a few years ago I again turned to food and also booze. About 6 months later my weight edged uncomfortably close to 200, a territory I vowed never to come close to ever again. Yet I nearly continued on that path if it weren't for the wave of depression that overwhelmed me thinking about all of the fem clothes I own that I will never be able to fit into.

Yep, it was time to take on the trans beast again. This time for real.

During my WTF??? periods I can slip, binge eat and even drink. I think it serves now as a great reminder that those behaviours serve no purpose. The morning hangover made worse by looking at the scale with an extra 5 lbs on it did not change how I feel inside about myself once the immediate effects wore off.

It hasn't been easy for me these past few years. I think I lost about 300 lbs in total, 5-10 at a time. My life is also far better for the efforts I make to continue on this path of self discovery and hopefully some day being able to overcome my fears and in a position to take that fork in the road I've been avoiding

Quote from: JoanneB on November 24, 2013, 07:31:58 AM
Very insightful and well put Tarah.

I used food as well as booze to help me hide from the demon. At one point in my much younger years I tipped the scales at 250 lbs. After loosing some 100 lbs I had my experiments with transitioning, in the end opting for sort of "Normal". After the excrement hit the air handler a few years ago I again turned to food and also booze. About 6 months later my weight edged uncomfortably close to 200, a territory I vowed never to come close to ever again. Yet I nearly continued on that path if it weren't for the wave of depression that overwhelmed me thinking about all of the fem clothes I own that I will never be able to fit into.

Yep, it was time to take on the trans beast again. This time for real.

During my WTF??? periods I can slip, binge eat and even drink. I think it serves now as a great reminder that those behaviours serve no purpose. The morning hangover made worse by looking at the scale with an extra 5 lbs on it did not change how I feel inside about myself once the immediate effects wore off.

It hasn't been easy for me these past few years. I think I lost about 300 lbs in total, 5-10 at a time. My life is also far better for the efforts I make to continue on this path of self discovery and hopefully some day being able to overcome my fears and in a position to take that fork in the road I've been avoiding

The path to get where we're going makes us stronger!! ♥

I'm thankful to not have a drinking problem... though my worst there was all of last year. I travelled once a month for work, and finding new beers and having too many too often was where I ended up by the end of the year... it does sneak up on you, but I was able to curtail it pretty easily. It was also one of my fears for not transitioning (something I barely considered, but was requested to consider often by my family, right after coming out). I know I'd turn to something... it would probably be food again... and it would probably include alcohol.

Those of us who aren't strictly alcoholics also have to realize that, while the occasional drink or binge might be OK, we can easily slip into needing such things for coping. I think I'm down to one drink a week... which is actually much lower than at the height of my weight loss (approx 1 a day). I can't see my carb eating habits from the past week or so as anything but an attempt to cope. I only have a month left... and I'm having a hard time finding the strength to keep losing weight until I get there!!!! (And after, too).

I couldn't possibly put who I am back in her prison... she may be skinnier now, but she's still way too big for any hiding places I might have left.

carbs are very addictive, especially if you have grown up eating them often (most western diets include a lot of carbs)

they get processed by the body into its most simplest form...sugar. and during that process release a high burst dose of seretonin (which is why people often feel good/happy after eating them)

that being said. i completely understand the need for reaching for a carb hit on a depressed or dysphoric day. I use to be a massive carb eater...pasta, bread, rice, processed foods.. you name it, id have it. even when i was diagnosed with celiac disease 3 years ago didnt stop me from still sneaking in a hamburger on the really bad/emotional days (even if i would get severe allergic reactions and be sick for days).

when i FINALLY learnt/discovered/researched what transgender and could finally understand why i was the way i was, there was huge relief..and i promised myself i would get fit and eat healthy to give my body a chance for great things on hrt.

i still have bad days, but even then i dont slip back into old habits and reach for the crappy foods (but god is it bloody hard not to), i make small changes to see big results (healthy doesnt need to mean boring)

Quote from: Laurenza on November 24, 2013, 11:56:02 PM
carbs are very addictive, especially if you have grown up eating them often (most western diets include a lot of carbs)

they get processed by the body into its most simplest form...sugar. and during that process release a high burst dose of seretonin (which is why people often feel good/happy after eating them)

that being said. i completely understand the need for reaching for a carb hit on a depressed or dysphoric day. I use to be a massive carb eater...pasta, bread, rice, processed foods.. you name it, id have it. even when i was diagnosed with celiac disease 3 years ago didnt stop me from still sneaking in a hamburger on the really bad/emotional days (even if i would get severe allergic reactions and be sick for days).

when i FINALLY learnt/discovered/researched what transgender and could finally understand why i was the way i was, there was huge relief..and i promised myself i would get fit and eat healthy to give my body a chance for great things on hrt.

i still have bad days, but even then i dont slip back into old habits and reach for the crappy foods (but god is it bloody hard not to), i make small changes to see big results (healthy doesnt need to mean boring)

Thanks Laurenza!!

I have to admit.... I've been having some pretty strong hamburger dysphoria . Every time I visit Wendy's for their Apple Pecan Chicken Blue Cheese Salad . . . I see a sign for some portobello mushroom burger.... Mmmmmmmm.... I might have to give in for a (TOTALLY PLANNED) cheat.

Still... it's definitely the dysphoria and depression that's doing it. Yeah... I'll admit some depression is in there, but I don't want to medicate and I do want to go on HRT (in a month) before even thinking of medication... really... depression is bad, but the dysphoria is more common and worse. The depression comes from changing factors... the dysphoria is constant.

The depression will pass.

The dysphoria does and always has required medication.

well fingers crossed the depression goes when the dysphoria is fixed <3

depression is just evil

Quote from: Laurenza on November 25, 2013, 12:11:20 AM
well fingers crossed the depression goes when the dysphoria is fixed <3

depression is just evil

me too! I think it will be helped, at least.

The depression is entirely family related. It feels like there are zero on my side most times.
♥ you guys here, but I need real life friends and real life supporters too.